Disclaimer: I don't own the song. It belongs to Course of Nature and is called "Caught in the Sun"

Chapter 6-Brooding

-Angel-

I sit in the dark of my basement. This is where I should be, under the ground hiding from the light. I am brooding, about blondes. If it's not one it's the other. I understand why I can't get Darla out of my mind. I had her. She wanted to be saved. She had a clean slate, a brand new start. Then they got her. She didn't want it, this disease called immortality. She couldn't resist though. You think you can, you think you're strong enough, but you aren't, no one is.

It's her birthday today, not Darla's, the other blond. I wonder what she's doing to celebrate. I hope her birthdays have gotten better since I left. That was my reason for leaving of course, so she could have a better life. I look down at my sketch and am not surprised to find I have drawn her, sitting beside my fireplace in the mansion, bent over her homework. My chest contracts, it still hurts after so much time. Everyone says it fades, but it doesn't. You just learn how to look away from the pain, most of the time.

I consider calling her, just to hear her voice, to know she's doing okay. I can't forget the sound of that woman crying on the phone the other night. My heart tells me it was Buffy, my head tells me that's impossible. I left Buffy so she could have a better life, not so she could call me in the middle of the night crying.

My first thought is that Solider Boy hurt her. The urge to hunt him down like a fox and tear him to pieces with my teeth is almost uncontrollable. If he has hurt her, I hope he has the good sense to flee the country and stay there, for the rest of his natural life. I don't know why she'd call me crying instead of talking to Willow, or her Mom or Giles or even Xander. I'm not a part of her life anymore, just like she's not a part of mine. Yeah, right. I crumble up the sketch of her and throw it across the room.

*

I saved the world tonight, or at least LA. After all this time living among humans, it still shocks me the lengths they will go to in the name of love. This guy was going to suspend the woman he supposedly loved in time, so that he would never lose her. I wanted to strangle him, slowly. I let go of the only thing in my unnaturally long life I have ever loved, so that she could have a happier life. Gene didn't care if the woman he supposedly loved would happy in her suspended animation. He just wanted to make sure she never left him. That's not love, or at least that's not what I feel for Buffy. Sometimes I think what I feel for her is more then love, if there is such a thing. It is my fondest wish that I get my shanshu, I will be human and I can go to Buffy, marry her, and give her children and picnics at the beach. But she deserves to have those things always, even if I am not the one giving them to her.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm trying to keep myself from getting in my car and driving to Sunnydale as fast I can. If I just keep it up until sunrise I'll be okay. The battle will start all over again when the sun goes down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I go to her again. She needs me. I some how know this inside. The Bronze is deserted, except for the band playing on stage. Everything is dusty, as if no one has been here in a very long time. She is standing in the middle of the deserted dance floor crying. I do the only thing I know how to do; I wrap her up inside of me.

You're my disentranced destination of choice
I'd give anything just to hear your voice
I couldn't pass you on the street
Without saying hello
Most times I missed the voice
That goes unheard

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
To never be enough

People everywhere how could I be sure
Is it you that I have been looking for
What would it take for me to be comfortable
With you, with me, you're the chosen one.

She sobs into my chest and I ache. When she hurts she uses her entire being. Her pain is a tangible thing. She has never known how to do anything half way that includes hurt. I want to take her away from this, away from whatever is making her cry, but I know I can't leave this place with her.

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
To never be enough

You are there for me, this I hope and pray
You will wait for me, I won't be too late

What if I missed you
You got caught in the sun
What if I did something
To never be enough

She looks up at me and touches my face. She tiptoes and kisses me firmly on the mouth. She tastes salty from crying and her pain is palatable. She places a finger over my lips to seal the kiss. The air around me whispers,

"Forever, that's the whole point."

She bursts into ash before me.

Will you wait for me
Or will I be to late this time
You are there for me, this I hope and pray

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up with a start. I am still sitting in my chair. The sketch before me is of Buffy, standing forlorn in an empty Bronze.