A/N: This chapter is written around and through the episode Forever. A lot
of the action and dialogue in forever I have embellished with my version of
Buffy's thoughts and feelings. The things that I took directly from the
episode I have marked with ~'s. Thanks to Buffyworld.com for such clear
transcripts. Marti Noxon wrote the beautiful dialogue in this episode.
Chapter 7- Forever
-Buffy-
I don't know why I'm still standing here. I don't have anywhere to go and if I leave now I have to face life without her. I don't know how to do that. How do I go on doing the daily things in life? I don't even know what the daily things in life are. Mom always took care of the mundane. All I had to worry about was slaying and school. Now there's so much more, and I don't think I can do it.
~ "I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner"~
I nod. Tears threaten to overtake me. If I start crying now I don't think I'll ever stop. I slip my hand in his. His cool touch is comforting. It gives me strength, just like it always has.
"It means a lot that you came." My voice sounds cold, foreign to me. I sound exactly the way I did when I told the cousins from Indiana that it meant a lot that they came. Only I mean it with Angel. It means the world that he came. It means that we're not as far apart as I was afraid. It means that maybe one day there will be a place in the world for me and him.
"How did you know?" I ask. Willow must have called him. She's the only one that would think to call him.
"I didn't. I didn't know that your Mom had died. I'm sorry. I just knew you needed me." He says.
"Thank you." I sway on my feet as I say it. Angel steadies me with a hand on my hip.
"Why don't we sit down?" he gently guides me over to a tree near Mom's grave.
We sit and I lean back against his broad chest. His arms wrap around me and rest on my stomach. This feels right, it feels like it used to. I sigh just basking in the security being in his arms gives me. He kisses the top of my head.
"I know it's hard." He says somberly. I'm grateful he didn't ask how I was doing. Everyone else asks that and I want to scream, how do you think I'm doing? How can you think I'd be capable of doing anything but existing right now?
~"The funeral was-it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about."~ I say in answer.
~ "What's tomorrow?" ~ He asks. I can feel his breath in my ear as he speaks and somehow it's comforting.
~ "That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I- I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom." ~
~ "Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes." ~ He says.
~ "And everyone expects me to know how to do it, because I'm so strong." ~ My tone is sarcastic and bitter. I know it but I can't help it.
~ "You just need some time. I'm sure everyone understands that." ~ He tries to reassure me.
~ "Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires but Mom was always the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better-just what to say." ~
~ "Yeah-you'll find your way. I mean not all at once but-"~
I shake my head, interrupting him. ~ "I don't know. I keep thinking about it-when I found her. If I'd just gotten there ten minutes earlier-" ~
~ "Doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different." ~ He assures me.
I sigh. ~ "I didn't even start CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown up." ~
~"Buffy,"~
I could drown in the way he says my name. I don't have time for drowning or any thing else. I can't pretend to be just a girl anymore with childish worries and ambitions. I'm no one's little girl anymore. That hits me like a ton of bricks and I push through it and over it because I don't want to dissolve into tears right here in his arms.
~ "And it'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn- " ~
~ "Look, its okay. I know you don't feel like it right now but you are strong, Buffy. You're going to figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone." ~
But I don't have you, I want to scream. 'You're here now but you're going to leave me again and do you know it kills me a little more every time you leave.' I can't though. I can't pile that guilt on him because it wouldn't be worth it if he stayed just because of guilt.
~ "It's gonna be light soon." ~ I say looking up at the sky.
~ "I can stay in town for as long as you want me." ~ His voice is soft and filled with wanting things we can't have.
~ "How's forever? Does forever work for you?"~ I look up at him and sigh. I sit up and turn to look at him. ~ "That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now." ~ As if I'm not always needy when it comes to him. I can never get enough of needing him.
~ "Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it." ~ He looks intently at me and I can see complete love in his eyes. The way he looks at me hasn't changed, not since the day I met him in a back alley near the Bronze.
I lean in and kiss him. The world just fades away. There is nothing but me and Angel and this kiss, this moment. He tastes just the way I remember and I wonder how I've lived without this. His lips explode every nerve ending in my body and the only thoughts I can process are want and need. I know he feels it too, because he pulls away the same moment I do. I can't catch my breath.
~ "I told you. You better go."~ My voice is filled with regret and longing. A part of me hopes he'll protest and say No I'm staying, for the rest of your life.
~ "I'm sorry."~ His voice is filled with regret also.
~ "No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night." ~
~ "Well, we still have a few more minutes before I have to go."~ He looks up at the sky.
~ "Good."~ I lay back against him. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and no matter what has happened or what will happen, this is good. This is right. ~ "Good."~
We sit quietly, not saying anything and that's okay. I just want to hold onto this moment. I know it will have to last me a long time, maybe for the rest of my life.
*
He left when the sun rose. I didn't ask where he was going to spend the day, probably the mansion. If I go there it will only mean we'll have to say goodbye again and I really can't handle that right now. I'm still in a seriously needy frame of mind. I lay down on the bed. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life. Maybe if I go to sleep now, Angel will wake me with a kiss and tell me he's here to take me away on his white horse, just like Sleeping Beauty. I drift off to sleep trying to hold that image in my mind.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The moon above me is full. I'm sitting next to her grave. I don't know why I came back here. I guess I'm hoping to avoid life in general. I don't want her to be alone either. I don't want anyone to be alone. I don't want me to be alone. And then I'm not. He's there. His fingers wrap around mine and I smile at him.
"Neat how that works. I wish for you, and here you are."
He looks at me with such sadness my heart jumps into my throat. I need him so much I need him to reaffirm my life, my love. I need him to reaffirm me. Someone is playing a radio somewhere and I lean back into him and let him fill me up completely.
This world don't give you nothing it can't take away
Everybody holding onto something
Nobody wants to fade away
No forgiveness in this town
I left my patience at the traffic light
There's no denying I almost lost it
Threw in the towel, to tired to fight
Tonight I need you
More then yesterday
Tonight I need you
I kiss him softly, breathing him in. I try not to demand, not to want more. I try to let this kiss just be. I don't fill it with hope or longing of things I can't have because then it's going to hurt when he leaves. I'm tired of hurting.
Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life
These days I'd trade sight for feeling
There are days my feelings gone
Can't figure out whose life I'm living
I don't know right from wrong
When I lost my faith
You found it and gave it back to me
There's a new light on your halo; it took blind eyes to see
That I need you
More then yesterday
Yeah, I need you.
He pulls me close, breathing in my scent and I sigh with bliss. I close my eyes and lean into him. I just need to rest for a little while and he is my shelter in the storm. He picks me up, cradling me like a child. I close my eyes and listen to his silent chest. I don't care where he takes me, as long as it isn't here.
Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life.
Take me, touch me , hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life
Love me back to life
Love me back to life
He lays me down on something soft. He looks at me with infinite sadness in his eyes. Tears gather there. He kisses my forehead gently and steps away. I smile at him, watching him. I don't even see the coffin lid, until it closes.
Love me back to life
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake myself up screaming. It's dark outside. I must have been asleep for hours. Angel is gone by now, back to LA. Its time to resume the stuff of everyday living, which means going downstairs and making sure Dawn has something to eat for dinner.
Chapter 7- Forever
-Buffy-
I don't know why I'm still standing here. I don't have anywhere to go and if I leave now I have to face life without her. I don't know how to do that. How do I go on doing the daily things in life? I don't even know what the daily things in life are. Mom always took care of the mundane. All I had to worry about was slaying and school. Now there's so much more, and I don't think I can do it.
~ "I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner"~
I nod. Tears threaten to overtake me. If I start crying now I don't think I'll ever stop. I slip my hand in his. His cool touch is comforting. It gives me strength, just like it always has.
"It means a lot that you came." My voice sounds cold, foreign to me. I sound exactly the way I did when I told the cousins from Indiana that it meant a lot that they came. Only I mean it with Angel. It means the world that he came. It means that we're not as far apart as I was afraid. It means that maybe one day there will be a place in the world for me and him.
"How did you know?" I ask. Willow must have called him. She's the only one that would think to call him.
"I didn't. I didn't know that your Mom had died. I'm sorry. I just knew you needed me." He says.
"Thank you." I sway on my feet as I say it. Angel steadies me with a hand on my hip.
"Why don't we sit down?" he gently guides me over to a tree near Mom's grave.
We sit and I lean back against his broad chest. His arms wrap around me and rest on my stomach. This feels right, it feels like it used to. I sigh just basking in the security being in his arms gives me. He kisses the top of my head.
"I know it's hard." He says somberly. I'm grateful he didn't ask how I was doing. Everyone else asks that and I want to scream, how do you think I'm doing? How can you think I'd be capable of doing anything but existing right now?
~"The funeral was-it was brutal, but it's tomorrow that I'm worried about."~ I say in answer.
~ "What's tomorrow?" ~ He asks. I can feel his breath in my ear as he speaks and somehow it's comforting.
~ "That's exactly what I don't know. Up until now, I- I've had a road map. Things to do every minute, having to do with Mom." ~
~ "Tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes." ~ He says.
~ "And everyone expects me to know how to do it, because I'm so strong." ~ My tone is sarcastic and bitter. I know it but I can't help it.
~ "You just need some time. I'm sure everyone understands that." ~ He tries to reassure me.
~ "Time's not the issue. I can stick wood in vampires but Mom was always the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better-just what to say." ~
~ "Yeah-you'll find your way. I mean not all at once but-"~
I shake my head, interrupting him. ~ "I don't know. I keep thinking about it-when I found her. If I'd just gotten there ten minutes earlier-" ~
~ "Doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different." ~ He assures me.
I sigh. ~ "I didn't even start CPR until they told me. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown up." ~
~"Buffy,"~
I could drown in the way he says my name. I don't have time for drowning or any thing else. I can't pretend to be just a girl anymore with childish worries and ambitions. I'm no one's little girl anymore. That hits me like a ton of bricks and I push through it and over it because I don't want to dissolve into tears right here in his arms.
~ "And it'd be okay if it was just me I had to worry about. But Dawn- " ~
~ "Look, its okay. I know you don't feel like it right now but you are strong, Buffy. You're going to figure this out. And you have people to help you. You don't have to do this alone." ~
But I don't have you, I want to scream. 'You're here now but you're going to leave me again and do you know it kills me a little more every time you leave.' I can't though. I can't pile that guilt on him because it wouldn't be worth it if he stayed just because of guilt.
~ "It's gonna be light soon." ~ I say looking up at the sky.
~ "I can stay in town for as long as you want me." ~ His voice is soft and filled with wanting things we can't have.
~ "How's forever? Does forever work for you?"~ I look up at him and sigh. I sit up and turn to look at him. ~ "That's a bad idea. I'm seriously needy right now." ~ As if I'm not always needy when it comes to him. I can never get enough of needing him.
~ "Let me worry about the neediness. I can handle it." ~ He looks intently at me and I can see complete love in his eyes. The way he looks at me hasn't changed, not since the day I met him in a back alley near the Bronze.
I lean in and kiss him. The world just fades away. There is nothing but me and Angel and this kiss, this moment. He tastes just the way I remember and I wonder how I've lived without this. His lips explode every nerve ending in my body and the only thoughts I can process are want and need. I know he feels it too, because he pulls away the same moment I do. I can't catch my breath.
~ "I told you. You better go."~ My voice is filled with regret and longing. A part of me hopes he'll protest and say No I'm staying, for the rest of your life.
~ "I'm sorry."~ His voice is filled with regret also.
~ "No. I'm so grateful that you came, Angel. I didn't think I was gonna be able to make it through the night." ~
~ "Well, we still have a few more minutes before I have to go."~ He looks up at the sky.
~ "Good."~ I lay back against him. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and no matter what has happened or what will happen, this is good. This is right. ~ "Good."~
We sit quietly, not saying anything and that's okay. I just want to hold onto this moment. I know it will have to last me a long time, maybe for the rest of my life.
*
He left when the sun rose. I didn't ask where he was going to spend the day, probably the mansion. If I go there it will only mean we'll have to say goodbye again and I really can't handle that right now. I'm still in a seriously needy frame of mind. I lay down on the bed. I just want to sleep for the rest of my life. Maybe if I go to sleep now, Angel will wake me with a kiss and tell me he's here to take me away on his white horse, just like Sleeping Beauty. I drift off to sleep trying to hold that image in my mind.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The moon above me is full. I'm sitting next to her grave. I don't know why I came back here. I guess I'm hoping to avoid life in general. I don't want her to be alone either. I don't want anyone to be alone. I don't want me to be alone. And then I'm not. He's there. His fingers wrap around mine and I smile at him.
"Neat how that works. I wish for you, and here you are."
He looks at me with such sadness my heart jumps into my throat. I need him so much I need him to reaffirm my life, my love. I need him to reaffirm me. Someone is playing a radio somewhere and I lean back into him and let him fill me up completely.
This world don't give you nothing it can't take away
Everybody holding onto something
Nobody wants to fade away
No forgiveness in this town
I left my patience at the traffic light
There's no denying I almost lost it
Threw in the towel, to tired to fight
Tonight I need you
More then yesterday
Tonight I need you
I kiss him softly, breathing him in. I try not to demand, not to want more. I try to let this kiss just be. I don't fill it with hope or longing of things I can't have because then it's going to hurt when he leaves. I'm tired of hurting.
Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life
These days I'd trade sight for feeling
There are days my feelings gone
Can't figure out whose life I'm living
I don't know right from wrong
When I lost my faith
You found it and gave it back to me
There's a new light on your halo; it took blind eyes to see
That I need you
More then yesterday
Yeah, I need you.
He pulls me close, breathing in my scent and I sigh with bliss. I close my eyes and lean into him. I just need to rest for a little while and he is my shelter in the storm. He picks me up, cradling me like a child. I close my eyes and listen to his silent chest. I don't care where he takes me, as long as it isn't here.
Take me, touch me, hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life.
Take me, touch me , hold me like you mean it
Make me come alive
Hurt me, heal me, come and make me feel it
Rescue me tonight
Love me back to life
Love me back to life
Love me back to life
He lays me down on something soft. He looks at me with infinite sadness in his eyes. Tears gather there. He kisses my forehead gently and steps away. I smile at him, watching him. I don't even see the coffin lid, until it closes.
Love me back to life
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake myself up screaming. It's dark outside. I must have been asleep for hours. Angel is gone by now, back to LA. Its time to resume the stuff of everyday living, which means going downstairs and making sure Dawn has something to eat for dinner.
