A/N I know we've had a lot of Angel POV chaps lately. You'll get a Buffy
one soon I promise. The words to the spell came from a transcript of
Orpheus (Ats S5) I chose to use the Romanian words because we know by this
time Willow is a pretty advanced witch. Thanks to Buffyworld.com for the
transcripts!
Chapter 10-Waiting
-Angel-
She's lying on my bed in the mansion. I sit in a chair next to her my fist is stuffed in my mouth to keep the high keening noise I can't stop making from echoing off the walls. What have I done? I left her so she could live her life in the light but now I've condemned her to an eternity of darkness. She wanted me to save her, she begged me in my dreams. It was the only thing I could have done. What was I supposed to do, let her die in my arms? My soul screams YES. At least I would have had the honor of being there when she died.
I wipe at my face. It is wet with tears. I don't know how long I've been sitting here crying, but I've got to get things together. Willow will be here in a little while with things to do the ensouling spell, if Giles, Xander and her don't stake me first.
I start a fire in the hearth. The mansion tends to be drafty and I don't want Buffy to be cold when she wakes up. I can smell Willow before she gets to the front door. She's alone. She walks in. I'm standing next to the fireplace. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying. She doesn't say anything at first, just begins to take the items out of the paper bag she's carrying and places them on the sidebar.
"Tara is on her way. I had her stop by the butcher and get some blood." Willow finally says. Her voice is tight and quiet.
"Thank you. I didn't exactly plan for this."
"What did you plan for, Angel?" Willow turns. She looks at me hard and accusingly.
"I don't know, Willow. I don't know. I've been having dreams. She showed me where to go. She asked me to save her. What else was I supposed to do? Let her die in my arms when she'd begged me to save her in a dream not 24 hours ago?"
"Yes! I talked to Dawnie. Buffy was ready to go. She knew what she had to do and she knew it would kill her. I don't like the thought of a world without Buffy anymore then you do, but you really think she's going to wake up and thank you for turning her into a monster?" She turns angrily back to the spell ingredients, sorting them. "This is her worse nightmare. When the Master made everyone live their worst fears, this was Buffy's, being a vampire."
My knees buckle and I catch myself on the mantle. "She-she never told me."
"What was she going to do, Angel? One night when you two are out in the graveyard and she's sitting in the arms of her vampire lover she's going to turn to him and say You know, Sweetie, my worst nightmare is being like you."
She's right. I can't help it. I collapse in front of the fireplace. I curl up in a fetal position and lay there hoping a portal to hell will open up and swallow me whole. I cover my ears to shut out the high pitched noise before I realize that I am making the high pitched noise.
A blast of energy hits me and I am thrown up against the wall. Willow is there in front of me. Her eyes have gone completely black.
"Get it together. You did this to her and you are going to be there for her as long as she wants you to be there. If you even think about leaving her, I will rip you to shreds." She lowers her hand and I slide down the wall and fall with a thump.
I shake my head and get up slowly. I'm not sure what she did to me, but everything hurts. I notice a quiet, pretty blond has just walked in.
"I-I'm Tara. Wh-where do you want this?" She holds up a brown paper bag from the butcher's.
"I'll take it. Thank you for picking it up." I take the bag in the kitchen and put it the blood in the refrigerator. I can tell sunset is coming. We've only got a couple of hours left. I walk back into the main room where the witches are setting things up.
Tara looks over to where Buffy is lying. "Sh-shouldn't she b-be chained up? In case sh-she wakes up?"
I shake my head. "No. I'm not going to have her wake up in chains. If she does wake up before the spell is done, I can restrain her." At least I hope I can. There is no record of a slayer ever being turned. I don't know how strong she'll be.
"Are you sure this will work on a vampire that hasn't risen?" Willow asks me.
"No, but I think it will. Do you have another orb of Thessulah if we have to repeat it?" I don't even want to think of the horror of having her wake up as a demon wearing Buffy's face.
"Yeah, I like for Giles to keep some on hand in case An-in case we need them. We're ready to start."
I walk over and sit in the chair beside Buffy. I take her cold little hand in mine and fight total breakdown. Her hands will never be hot against my skin again. I close my eyes and listen to the silence. There's no soft thump-thump, thump-thump of her heart, no whisper of breath as she sleeps. I swallow the tears that gather in the back of my throat. Willow is right. I did this to her. I have to be strong for her now.
I can smell the herbs Willow has begin to burn. Her words echo throughout the house.
"Quod perditum est invenietur"
"Nisi mort. Nisi al finitei. Te invoc, spirit al trecerii"
"Te implor doamne. Nu ignora accasta rugaminte lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta sufletul la el."
"Este scris aceasta putere este dreptul poporuil meu de a conduce."
"Asa sa fie, acum"
Buffy's eyes glow golden even behind her closed lids. Her body arches off the bed and then she goes limp once again.
"Do you think it worked?" Willow asks.
"I think so. I'll let you know, when I know." I stand up and walk over to Willow. My hands are in my pockets. I don't know what to say to her. "I'm sorry, Willow. I didn't want this. I just, I couldn't let her die."
"She made that decision on her own. You should have let her. Buffy knew what she was doing." Willow's words are hard and they cut.
I look at Tara and back at Willow. "If she was dying and you could stop it, wouldn't you?"
"But you didn't stop her from dying, Angel. She's dead. Look at her! She's not breathing. She doesn't have a heartbeat. She's dead! Letting a demon walk and talk with her body doesn't make her less dead! I know Buffy always wanted to think of you as a person, but you're not, you never will be. The person you were. Liam died along time ago. Getting your soul back doesn't make you a person again; it just makes you a demon with a soul."
I choke back the urge to be ill. Willow is right of course. It's just easier to think of myself as a person then a monster.
"Call us, if it doesn't work." Willow turns to leave.
"She'll want to know when she wakes up. How's Dawn?" I manage to ask before they get out the door.
Willow turns to look at me. "Dawn is ok, as ok as she can be. She's with Giles."
I walk into the kitchen and heat up a large glass of blood. I take it back to the bedroom and sit down beside the bed again. When Buffy wakes she'll be hungry but she won't want to drink. It'll be easier if the blood comes from me, provided she doesn't stake me.
There's nothing left to do but sit and wait. It won't be long now.
Chapter 10-Waiting
-Angel-
She's lying on my bed in the mansion. I sit in a chair next to her my fist is stuffed in my mouth to keep the high keening noise I can't stop making from echoing off the walls. What have I done? I left her so she could live her life in the light but now I've condemned her to an eternity of darkness. She wanted me to save her, she begged me in my dreams. It was the only thing I could have done. What was I supposed to do, let her die in my arms? My soul screams YES. At least I would have had the honor of being there when she died.
I wipe at my face. It is wet with tears. I don't know how long I've been sitting here crying, but I've got to get things together. Willow will be here in a little while with things to do the ensouling spell, if Giles, Xander and her don't stake me first.
I start a fire in the hearth. The mansion tends to be drafty and I don't want Buffy to be cold when she wakes up. I can smell Willow before she gets to the front door. She's alone. She walks in. I'm standing next to the fireplace. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying. She doesn't say anything at first, just begins to take the items out of the paper bag she's carrying and places them on the sidebar.
"Tara is on her way. I had her stop by the butcher and get some blood." Willow finally says. Her voice is tight and quiet.
"Thank you. I didn't exactly plan for this."
"What did you plan for, Angel?" Willow turns. She looks at me hard and accusingly.
"I don't know, Willow. I don't know. I've been having dreams. She showed me where to go. She asked me to save her. What else was I supposed to do? Let her die in my arms when she'd begged me to save her in a dream not 24 hours ago?"
"Yes! I talked to Dawnie. Buffy was ready to go. She knew what she had to do and she knew it would kill her. I don't like the thought of a world without Buffy anymore then you do, but you really think she's going to wake up and thank you for turning her into a monster?" She turns angrily back to the spell ingredients, sorting them. "This is her worse nightmare. When the Master made everyone live their worst fears, this was Buffy's, being a vampire."
My knees buckle and I catch myself on the mantle. "She-she never told me."
"What was she going to do, Angel? One night when you two are out in the graveyard and she's sitting in the arms of her vampire lover she's going to turn to him and say You know, Sweetie, my worst nightmare is being like you."
She's right. I can't help it. I collapse in front of the fireplace. I curl up in a fetal position and lay there hoping a portal to hell will open up and swallow me whole. I cover my ears to shut out the high pitched noise before I realize that I am making the high pitched noise.
A blast of energy hits me and I am thrown up against the wall. Willow is there in front of me. Her eyes have gone completely black.
"Get it together. You did this to her and you are going to be there for her as long as she wants you to be there. If you even think about leaving her, I will rip you to shreds." She lowers her hand and I slide down the wall and fall with a thump.
I shake my head and get up slowly. I'm not sure what she did to me, but everything hurts. I notice a quiet, pretty blond has just walked in.
"I-I'm Tara. Wh-where do you want this?" She holds up a brown paper bag from the butcher's.
"I'll take it. Thank you for picking it up." I take the bag in the kitchen and put it the blood in the refrigerator. I can tell sunset is coming. We've only got a couple of hours left. I walk back into the main room where the witches are setting things up.
Tara looks over to where Buffy is lying. "Sh-shouldn't she b-be chained up? In case sh-she wakes up?"
I shake my head. "No. I'm not going to have her wake up in chains. If she does wake up before the spell is done, I can restrain her." At least I hope I can. There is no record of a slayer ever being turned. I don't know how strong she'll be.
"Are you sure this will work on a vampire that hasn't risen?" Willow asks me.
"No, but I think it will. Do you have another orb of Thessulah if we have to repeat it?" I don't even want to think of the horror of having her wake up as a demon wearing Buffy's face.
"Yeah, I like for Giles to keep some on hand in case An-in case we need them. We're ready to start."
I walk over and sit in the chair beside Buffy. I take her cold little hand in mine and fight total breakdown. Her hands will never be hot against my skin again. I close my eyes and listen to the silence. There's no soft thump-thump, thump-thump of her heart, no whisper of breath as she sleeps. I swallow the tears that gather in the back of my throat. Willow is right. I did this to her. I have to be strong for her now.
I can smell the herbs Willow has begin to burn. Her words echo throughout the house.
"Quod perditum est invenietur"
"Nisi mort. Nisi al finitei. Te invoc, spirit al trecerii"
"Te implor doamne. Nu ignora accasta rugaminte lasa orbita sa fie vasul care-i va transporta sufletul la el."
"Este scris aceasta putere este dreptul poporuil meu de a conduce."
"Asa sa fie, acum"
Buffy's eyes glow golden even behind her closed lids. Her body arches off the bed and then she goes limp once again.
"Do you think it worked?" Willow asks.
"I think so. I'll let you know, when I know." I stand up and walk over to Willow. My hands are in my pockets. I don't know what to say to her. "I'm sorry, Willow. I didn't want this. I just, I couldn't let her die."
"She made that decision on her own. You should have let her. Buffy knew what she was doing." Willow's words are hard and they cut.
I look at Tara and back at Willow. "If she was dying and you could stop it, wouldn't you?"
"But you didn't stop her from dying, Angel. She's dead. Look at her! She's not breathing. She doesn't have a heartbeat. She's dead! Letting a demon walk and talk with her body doesn't make her less dead! I know Buffy always wanted to think of you as a person, but you're not, you never will be. The person you were. Liam died along time ago. Getting your soul back doesn't make you a person again; it just makes you a demon with a soul."
I choke back the urge to be ill. Willow is right of course. It's just easier to think of myself as a person then a monster.
"Call us, if it doesn't work." Willow turns to leave.
"She'll want to know when she wakes up. How's Dawn?" I manage to ask before they get out the door.
Willow turns to look at me. "Dawn is ok, as ok as she can be. She's with Giles."
I walk into the kitchen and heat up a large glass of blood. I take it back to the bedroom and sit down beside the bed again. When Buffy wakes she'll be hungry but she won't want to drink. It'll be easier if the blood comes from me, provided she doesn't stake me.
There's nothing left to do but sit and wait. It won't be long now.
