A/N This was a really hard chapter because I know canon Buffy would not want to be vamped. I personally like to make the characters act very much the way they do in the shows. So I hope I did justice to a canon Buffy with this chapter. Btw, rating on this chapter is still PG 13, but are a couple of words.

Chapter 11-Awakening

-Buffy-

I'm waking up by degrees. I feel strong, really strong and somehow that doesn't seem right. I remember jumping into the portal. It hurt, a lot. The white hot light seared the skin from muscles and pulled the blood from my veins. It burned my bones to ash, or at least that's what it felt like. It also felt like release. It felt like I was done. It felt like I could rest now.
I smell Angel. He's everywhere and I smell blood. For the first time, I consider where that portal might have taken me. Maybe I didn't die; maybe I'm in a hell dimension, Glory's dimension.

"Dawn!" I sit straight up, my eyes snapping open. I didn't mean to scream her name out loud like that. It echoes off the walls.

"Its okay, Buffy. She's okay. She's with Giles." Angel's voice is like cool water over hot skin.

"Glory?" I ask. I look around. I'm in the mansion, Angel's mansion and he's sitting next to me as if he's been waiting for me to wake up. I wonder briefly if everything that's happened since he left was a dream. Maybe it is. Maybe there was never Glory, or Adam or Riley. Maybe Mom is alive. Maybe it's the night after Graduation and I've slept over at Angel's house. I'm just waking up and he never left me.

"She's gone. You killed her." He says. That clears it up, not a dream I guess.

Angel is holding my hand. He must have just drunk a warm glass of blood. He doesn't feel cold to me. "Why are you here? And why am I not dead? The portal, it was supposed to take my blood. It is closed, right?"

"It's closed." He says softly. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. Angel sounds horrible, like he lost his last friend.

"Then why am I here? Why are you here?" I can hear panic raise the pitch and color the tone of my voice.

"I had some dreams. I guess they were prophecy. I've never had them before. You asked me to save you. You showed me where to go, where you would be." There's something in his voice I've only heard once before on a Christmas morning when it snowed. It's hopelessness.

"Angel, stop with the cryptic. You're scaring me. Tell me what's happening." I place my hand on his cheek and turn his face to look at me. His eyes avoid mine. There is infinite sadness and mourning there. I've never seen him look so lost, even when the First had him. "Who died?"

"Buffy, I was too late. I should have never left you the night of your Mom's funeral, but I didn't know. I didn't realize what you were facing. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I got there too late. You had already jumped. I caught you, when you fell. I couldn't do anything else; you're pulse-"he trails off.

Oh God

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God

OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod

It made sense now. I knew. I felt so strong, too strong, the smell of blood. He wasn't warm, I was cold. The mansion tilts sideways. I think I'm going to faint but I don't. And then it happens, rage, fury like I have never known comes over me.

"So, what? You decide to turn me into a monster?" I scream at him. "How dare you!" I punch him in the face. I can't stop. I hit him over and over and over. "I wanted to die. It was time for me to go! I wanted to rest. I just wanted to let go but you couldn't let me. You are so fucking self righteous that you think I would rather be a monster then be dead!" I hear the crunch of his nose as it breaks. I feel his skin split under my knuckles. Blood runs down his face. I hit him until there's nothing recognizable about him. He lets me. He doesn't put up an arm to defend himself. He doesn't curl up and try to protect himself and he never attempts to strike back or stop me. The smell of the blood is intoxicating. I fight the urge to lick it from my knuckles and I am repulsed by myself. I stop hitting and look at the bloody pulp I have made of Angel. A monster, I'm a monster. I turn and run.

*=====================================================*

-Angel-

She's been gone for three days. During the day I scavenge the tunnels and sewers looking for her. At night I check every above ground structure she could be in. She's disappeared. It's the dawn of the fourth day. I trudge back to the mansion. I can smell people in there before I open the door.

Willow, Xander and Giles are standing in the main room. They stop whispering when I walk in. Willow and Giles have been trying to help. Willow because no matter what she's still Buffy's best friend and Giles, because he loves her like a daughter. He can't let go of her as long as there is still hope. They know the ensouling spell worked. I'm surprised to see Xander. He hasn't spoken to me, for understandable reasons, since I showed up in Sunnydale.

"Nothing?" Giles asks.

I shake my head.

"Looks like you finally did, Dead Boy. You got her away from all of us and you made her just like you."

I don't say anything. There's nothing I can say.

"You Bastard! You couldn't stand it! She was finally making a life without you! She was finally getting over you." Xander screams in my face. I don't flinch. I don't even respond. He's not making sense. Buffy would be dead now, really dead, not making a life of any kind, with or without me. He lifts a stake and I look into his eyes. He can kill me if he wants to, but he's going to have to look at me when he does it.

"Xander, stop." Willow says in a calm, weary voice. "When we find her, she's going to need him."

"We're not going to find her. She's dead, Will. And because of him we don't even have a body to bury!" Xander holds my gaze and I'm surprised. I guess I shouldn't be. He was always Buffy's white knight.

"She's not dead." I say in a flat voice.

"You've found signs of her?" Giles asks. His voice is hopeful and it feels like another spike driving into me.

"No, but if she were dead I would know it. Just like I would know if Drusilla or Spike were dead."

"Just like you knew she needed help, but couldn't be bothered in your brand new life in LA." Xander says.

"I know because I sired her. I can feel her, more then before, because of my blood." I don't really want to be having this discussion with them.

Giles clears his throat. "Ah, yes. I've read there is an extraordinary bond between Sire and child." He is trying to sound more like a watcher and less like a father. I guess it's easier that way to face the horrors.

"Ho-how long can she go without bl-without feeding." Willow asks. She can't bring herself to say blood.

I shake my head. I don't want to tell them the ugly parts about what's happening to Buffy. "Infinitely. She won't die without it, but she won't be able to control it. The longer she goes the worse the bloodlust gets, the less Buffy has control and the more the demon does."

"Then we better find her soon. Angel, go back to the sewers. Xander and I will look above ground." Willow says.

I take a deep unnecessary breath. I don't want to tell them this, but it might help them find her. "Check alleys, abandoned buildings, anything that has rats. If Buffy is in control at all, she's not going to want to hurt a person."

Willow grows very pale and Xander looks as if he is fighting complete breakdown.

Giles nods, ever in control. "Very well then. I'll check on Dawn and then join Xander and Willow."

"Get the ingredients for a sleep spell. She might- she's very hungry. Putting her to sleep might be the only way to control her." I avoid looking at them. I try to push the thought of Buffy attacking her friends out of my mind. She would never, but we don't know if we're going to be dealing with Buffy when we find her or not.

*

I open the sewer access into the old high school basement. It is still a burned out shell. A fence has been put up around it with big no trespassing signs. I don't know why they didn't raze it along time ago. There's nothing salvageable here. I begin to climb the stairs up to what is left of the building and I smell her. I feel her. She's here somewhere.

She's in the library, or what's left of it, tucked in a corner underneath a shelter made from the second floor falling in. I don't know if the Hellmouth drew her here or the memories, possibly both. I'm careful to avoid the patches of sunlight that come through the places with no roof. I crouch down to get into her hiding spot. She wearing her vamp face and I can't help the rush of tears that come to my eyes. She growls at me and snaps her teeth. She's wild, feral. I am reminded of myself when I returned from Hell. Only she's just beginning her own ascent into Hell, because of me.

I hold my hand out to her. She shrinks further into the corner and growls again. "Its okay, Buffy. I'm going to take care of you. I won't hurt you." I creep closer. She seems to recognize me. "I know you're scared. I was too but you are not alone. I'm going to stay with you." I'm close enough to touch her now. I reach out a hand and lay it on her upper arm. She looks at it and then at me, but she doesn't move.

"Are you hungry? You must be. Come here." I fold her into my arms and guide her mouth to my neck. Instinct takes over and she sinks her teeth into my veins.