Chapter 12- So much Change
-Angel-
I call Giles when I get her back to the mansion.
"I found her. I've got her back at the mansion." I say
"Is she-" he stops, realizing how foolish it seems asking if she's okay.
"Let me talk to her before you come see her. She's sleeping but she's pretty overwhelmed right now." I try to fill in the awkwardness, answer questions he might have before he asks.
"But she's Buffy. She has her soul." The desperation in his voice has texture, even over the phone line.
"She's Buffy."
I hang up the phone and go to her. She's sleeping restlessly in the bed. She twitches and whimpers. She looks for all the world like a little girl and the heart I don't have breaks. How could I have done this to her? I fight back tears. I don't want her to wake up and know I've been crying. I bite through my lip and taste blood.
*
She sleeps most of the day. I'm not surprised. There's no way to know if she slept at all during the time she was missing. I make sure I eat while she's sleeping. She's seen me eat before but drinking blood out of a bag or a glass is a harsh reality she's not ready for yet. When the sun sets I slip into the courtyard and cut a bouquet of night blooming jasmine. I put it in a vase and set the vase beside the bed, where she'll see it when she wakes up. Its my fault there will be so much ugliness and darkness in her life now, I'm going to make sure it's also my fault that she has beauty in her life.
I'm sitting next to the bed when she wakes up. She has always been a wonder to watch wake. She stretches first, like a cat and she wrinkles her nose like she's not ready to leave her dream world. She opens her eyes slowly. She smiles when she sees me. Her sleepy smile is my favorite one, but then I say that about all her smiles.
"Angel,"
God, I love the way she says my name. It's always in that breathy little voice and it breaks down any defenses I thought I had. I smile at her. "Morning."
Her eyes fall on the flowers. She lights up like a little kid at Christmas. "For me?"
I nod. "I got them out of the courtyard."
"I forgot this grew there."
Her eyes mist over and I can see the memory of the last few days creep into her eyes. She reaches out and touches me. She pulls back and tears fill her eyes. "It's real, isn't it?"
I nod. She sits quietly on the bed, absorbing it all. She puts her hand to her chest, over her heart and tears trickle down her cheeks. I want to scream. How do I make this better? How do I fix this?
"Buffy, do you want me to go? If you tell me you never want to see me again, I'll leave now."
"Please, don't." Her words are plaintive and pitiful.
"Do you want to hit me again?" I'd let her beat me senseless every day for the rest of forever if it would take that look out of her eyes.
"No. It just made me feel like a monster last time. That's what I am, isn't it?" She looks up at me.
I don't know what to tell her. Most of the world would say yes, she is
a monster. "You're like me. Willow did the spell. You have a soul,
Buffy, your soul." I sit down on the bed beside her and wipe a tear
away with my thumb.
"I didn't-I didn't hurt anyone before she did it, did I?" She trembles under my touch.
"No, Buffy. I had Willow do the spell before you ever woke up."
She nods.
"Come here. You need to f-eat. You have to keep your strength up." I curse myself for the almost slip.
"I can't, drink a glass. Not like you do, not yet."
"You don't have to, Buffy." I open the vein on my wrist so she doesn't have to vamp out and hold it up to her mouth.
*
I call Giles back while she's in the shower.
"It's Angel. She wants to see Dawn."
"Uhm, well, let me ask Dawn." Giles covers the phone with his hand. I can make out what they are saying.
"Dawn, Buffy would like to see you. Is it alright, if she comes here?"
There is a slight pause and I can make out Dawn's voice just barely.
"It's Buffy, right? I mean it's not like when Angel lost his soul."
"Yes, it's Buffy. She has a soul. She might act a bit different. What she's going though, it's difficult. She is still very much your sister, Dawn." Giles struggles to try and explain to the young girl.
"Okay then." Dawn responds.
Giles puts the phone back to his ear and speaks. "When shall we expect you?"
"Buffy is in the shower now. It could take a little while. There's not a mirror-it's hard to get used to getting ready without a reflection." I stumble over myself.
"I can imagine. We'll be waiting then." Giles handles it with his traditional aplomb.
"Giles, when we get there, make sure to invite her in as soon as you open the door. It's humbling to have to wait for an invitation. It reminds you of what you are, and she doesn't need anymore reminders right now."
"Of course, thank you for bringing it to my attention. I might have forgotten that she-that she can't come in."
I hang up the phone and go knock on the bathroom door. She's been in there a good while. "Buffy, are you decent?"
"Yeah, come in" She sounds frustrated.
I open the bathroom door, steam rolls out and for a moment I can't see her. When the steam clears, she's wearing her black pants and white sweater. She is standing in front of the sink holding a brush like she doesn't know what to do with it. I take it from her.
"Here, let me." I carefully untangle the long damp strands of her hair. I brush until it is smooth and silky, hanging in a damp golden cascade down her back.
I lay the brush on the countertop.
"Thank you," she says.
"Your welcome. I called Giles. We can stop by and see Dawn anytime you want."
"She knows, right?" She looks up at me with fear in her eyes.
"She does. Giles asked her and she wants to see you."
"Do I-I mean-do I look okay?" I know what she's asking. She's worried she looks different.
"You look beautiful, Buffy." And she does. Her skin is pale, like mine now but it only makes her startling green eyes stand out.
We stand in front of Giles' door. She stops me before I knock. "I can't do this, Angel. What if she pulls away from me? What if she acts like- I don't know, like I'm-" Tears are gathering in her eyes again.
I take both of her hands in mine. "Buffy, she watched you die to save her life. She might act a little different, at first. Give her a chance to get used to this."
Buffy nods. I knock on the door. It opens almost immediately.
-Angel-
I call Giles when I get her back to the mansion.
"I found her. I've got her back at the mansion." I say
"Is she-" he stops, realizing how foolish it seems asking if she's okay.
"Let me talk to her before you come see her. She's sleeping but she's pretty overwhelmed right now." I try to fill in the awkwardness, answer questions he might have before he asks.
"But she's Buffy. She has her soul." The desperation in his voice has texture, even over the phone line.
"She's Buffy."
I hang up the phone and go to her. She's sleeping restlessly in the bed. She twitches and whimpers. She looks for all the world like a little girl and the heart I don't have breaks. How could I have done this to her? I fight back tears. I don't want her to wake up and know I've been crying. I bite through my lip and taste blood.
*
She sleeps most of the day. I'm not surprised. There's no way to know if she slept at all during the time she was missing. I make sure I eat while she's sleeping. She's seen me eat before but drinking blood out of a bag or a glass is a harsh reality she's not ready for yet. When the sun sets I slip into the courtyard and cut a bouquet of night blooming jasmine. I put it in a vase and set the vase beside the bed, where she'll see it when she wakes up. Its my fault there will be so much ugliness and darkness in her life now, I'm going to make sure it's also my fault that she has beauty in her life.
I'm sitting next to the bed when she wakes up. She has always been a wonder to watch wake. She stretches first, like a cat and she wrinkles her nose like she's not ready to leave her dream world. She opens her eyes slowly. She smiles when she sees me. Her sleepy smile is my favorite one, but then I say that about all her smiles.
"Angel,"
God, I love the way she says my name. It's always in that breathy little voice and it breaks down any defenses I thought I had. I smile at her. "Morning."
Her eyes fall on the flowers. She lights up like a little kid at Christmas. "For me?"
I nod. "I got them out of the courtyard."
"I forgot this grew there."
Her eyes mist over and I can see the memory of the last few days creep into her eyes. She reaches out and touches me. She pulls back and tears fill her eyes. "It's real, isn't it?"
I nod. She sits quietly on the bed, absorbing it all. She puts her hand to her chest, over her heart and tears trickle down her cheeks. I want to scream. How do I make this better? How do I fix this?
"Buffy, do you want me to go? If you tell me you never want to see me again, I'll leave now."
"Please, don't." Her words are plaintive and pitiful.
"Do you want to hit me again?" I'd let her beat me senseless every day for the rest of forever if it would take that look out of her eyes.
"No. It just made me feel like a monster last time. That's what I am, isn't it?" She looks up at me.
I don't know what to tell her. Most of the world would say yes, she is
a monster. "You're like me. Willow did the spell. You have a soul,
Buffy, your soul." I sit down on the bed beside her and wipe a tear
away with my thumb.
"I didn't-I didn't hurt anyone before she did it, did I?" She trembles under my touch.
"No, Buffy. I had Willow do the spell before you ever woke up."
She nods.
"Come here. You need to f-eat. You have to keep your strength up." I curse myself for the almost slip.
"I can't, drink a glass. Not like you do, not yet."
"You don't have to, Buffy." I open the vein on my wrist so she doesn't have to vamp out and hold it up to her mouth.
*
I call Giles back while she's in the shower.
"It's Angel. She wants to see Dawn."
"Uhm, well, let me ask Dawn." Giles covers the phone with his hand. I can make out what they are saying.
"Dawn, Buffy would like to see you. Is it alright, if she comes here?"
There is a slight pause and I can make out Dawn's voice just barely.
"It's Buffy, right? I mean it's not like when Angel lost his soul."
"Yes, it's Buffy. She has a soul. She might act a bit different. What she's going though, it's difficult. She is still very much your sister, Dawn." Giles struggles to try and explain to the young girl.
"Okay then." Dawn responds.
Giles puts the phone back to his ear and speaks. "When shall we expect you?"
"Buffy is in the shower now. It could take a little while. There's not a mirror-it's hard to get used to getting ready without a reflection." I stumble over myself.
"I can imagine. We'll be waiting then." Giles handles it with his traditional aplomb.
"Giles, when we get there, make sure to invite her in as soon as you open the door. It's humbling to have to wait for an invitation. It reminds you of what you are, and she doesn't need anymore reminders right now."
"Of course, thank you for bringing it to my attention. I might have forgotten that she-that she can't come in."
I hang up the phone and go knock on the bathroom door. She's been in there a good while. "Buffy, are you decent?"
"Yeah, come in" She sounds frustrated.
I open the bathroom door, steam rolls out and for a moment I can't see her. When the steam clears, she's wearing her black pants and white sweater. She is standing in front of the sink holding a brush like she doesn't know what to do with it. I take it from her.
"Here, let me." I carefully untangle the long damp strands of her hair. I brush until it is smooth and silky, hanging in a damp golden cascade down her back.
I lay the brush on the countertop.
"Thank you," she says.
"Your welcome. I called Giles. We can stop by and see Dawn anytime you want."
"She knows, right?" She looks up at me with fear in her eyes.
"She does. Giles asked her and she wants to see you."
"Do I-I mean-do I look okay?" I know what she's asking. She's worried she looks different.
"You look beautiful, Buffy." And she does. Her skin is pale, like mine now but it only makes her startling green eyes stand out.
We stand in front of Giles' door. She stops me before I knock. "I can't do this, Angel. What if she pulls away from me? What if she acts like- I don't know, like I'm-" Tears are gathering in her eyes again.
I take both of her hands in mine. "Buffy, she watched you die to save her life. She might act a little different, at first. Give her a chance to get used to this."
Buffy nods. I knock on the door. It opens almost immediately.
