Chapter 13-And yet still so much the same

-Buffy-

The door opens and Giles stands just inside it, looking so very Giles like.

"Buffy, Angel, come in." He steps back

I let Angel walk in first. He pulls me along behind him. Giles shuts the door and catches me in a very uncharacteristic hug. I can tell he's been crying. I can smell the tears, and that's really odd. He releases me. "Buffy, we're very glad you're safe."

Leave it to Giles to use just the right words. He wouldn't say okay, because I'm not okay. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again. Okay is a heartbeat and breathing and body temperature. I nod and turn to look at Dawn.

She's sitting on the couch and her eyes are red from crying. I don't know where to start with her. "Hi, Dawnie."

"Buffy?" She says my name like a question.

I nod. And then she's in my arms crying and I'm crying and it's a big girl fest of tears and blubbering. "Dawnie, Dawnie, I'm so sorry." I don't even know what I'm apologizing for but Dawn is saying "Its okay its okay," over and over again, so it seems like the right thing to say.

We finally sit down on the couch and Giles hands us Kleenex. He disappears into the kitchen. I'm sure he's making tea. I can smell the water boiling. I never realized water has a smell.

"Are you okay, Dawn?" I brush her hair off her shoulders.

She nods and sniffs. "Yeah. The cuts weren't deep. Giles went overboard playing doctor with the disinfectant and the gauze, only real doctor not the kind I played-so didn't play with anyone, ever."

"Good. I'm sorry I wasn't th- " I stop myself, realizing what I am saying. I died for her. I shouldn't be here right now, much less there to pick up the pieces afterwards.

"Are you-I don't know, okay I guess?" she asks.

"They told you what happened, right?" I look into her eyes, searching for revulsion or fear. I can't find any. It's just my little sister and she's scared but not of me.

"I was sort of there. I mean you and Mom tried to protect me but I know about the whole sucking ritual. You're cold. I mean you feel cold, are you cold?"

I smile. She's so much like my Dawn that it hurts. I shake my head. "No, I mean I feel cold to the touch, but I'm room temperature. I don't notice the cold or the heat really."

She nods. Giles walks in the living room with a tea tray. He sits it down on the coffee table.

"So can you go all Grrr, like Angel?" Dawn asks.

"Dawn! Your sister is not an amusement show." Giles snaps out.

I can't help it. I laugh.

"Are you coming home, Buffy?" Dawn asks.

Tears rush to the back of my throat and choke. I finally manage to answer. "I don't know Dawnie. I-there's so much."

"Why don't you stay with me a few days, Dawn. Let's give Buffy a chance to gather her bearings. This will be an adjustment for everyone." Giles suggests and I am grateful to him. I can't think beyond this moment, which is odd because now I have an eternity.

"We'll talk about it maybe later, Dawnie. I haven't thought about much. I've slept a lot and-"

"Its okay, Buffy. I don't mind staying with Giles. School lets out in a couple of days anyway, so." She trails off.

"I think-I think I'm going to stay with Angel, for a little while." I look at him for confirmation. We haven't really talked about this, for all I know he could be leaving for LA tomorrow.

"Yes, she's staying with me. You can come by anytime you want, Dawn." Angel tells her.

"I guess I need to get some of my things." I say.

"The spare key is where it's always been. I used it when Giles took me by to get some clothes." Dawn says.

Angel pulls his mouth into a tight line. He wants to say something and he's trying to figure out how to phrase it. "Dawn, you'll need to go with us."

"Oh, well, okay." Dawn says, confused.

"I don't live there anymore, Dawnie. You have to invite me. Angel is trying to be tactful." I am trying to keep the tears out of my voice. I can't even walk in my own house.

"Oh! Yah, let's go now. Giles, we'll be back in just a little while." Dawn stands up and walks to the door.

Angel captures my hand in his and kisses it. "Do you want me to stay here, give you and Dawn some girl time?"

I shake my head. I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to face people on my own. "Please come." It sounds like a plea for something much more important, even to me.

"Besides, you have no idea how many clothes Buffy has. We'll need you for the carrying and the lifting." Dawn says flippantly.

"I'm good at carrying and lifting." Angel says with a smile.

The normalcy of the entire scene is heartbreaking.

*

I take a couple of suitcases back to Angel's house. I am unpacking, putting my clothes next to his in the drawers, hanging things up in his closet. My toothbrush goes next to his in the bathroom; my vanilla perfume sits next to his hair gel. It seems so normal, it's so much of what I wanted when I was a teenager that I break down into sobs.

He's there beside me before a tear actually falls. His arms are around me and he's completely engulfed me with his larger frame. "Buffy, what's wrong?"

"I wanted to do this so much when I was in high school. I wanted a drawer in your house and toothbrush beside yours. And now we're playing house and we're pretending like its normal and we're not, we're not normal! Most people don't even believe in what we are!" I'm screaming by now.

He whispers soothing nonsensical things to me and picks me up in arms. He carries me to the bed and sets me down.

"How long are you staying this time, Angel?" It comes out an accusation and I guess that's really how I mean it, regardless of whether I want to admit it or not.

"I haven't talked to anyone in LA yet, but I'm not leaving you like this Buffy, not if you want me to stay. I will be here forever." He promises me.

Angel has always promised me forever and an eternity and always. I realize with a broken sob that this time I've got that long for him to give it to me.