Chapter 14- Reparations
-Angel-
I wake up with Buffy in my arms and for a minute it doesn't matter what I've done. She is achingly beautiful with her golden hair strewn over the pillows. She still feels like she always did, my salvation, my redemption, my reward and then I see the tear tracks on her cheeks. The guilt overwhelms me again and my soul screams out, asking what I've done to this woman I love more then I thought possible. She fell asleep crying in my arms and I didn't want to leave her side. I get out of bed careful not to stir her. I've got to call LA and I'd just as soon she be asleep for the conversation.
"Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless." Cordelia answered.
"Cordy, how are things going there?" I ask.
"Not that you'd care. You've been in Sunny hell for almost an entire week. We don't hear one word from you."
"I'm sorry, Cordy. Things have been chaotic here. I haven't really had a chance to call before now."
"Well, did Buffy get her apocalypse worked out and when are you coming home?" Getting straight to the point, that was Cordy's way.
"I don't know when I'm coming home. I may be staying here for awhile."
"Angel, Buffy has to get on with her own life. You can't stay there and fix what ever she's broken. We need you here."
I grit my teeth. I wanted to scream out, she didn't break it, I did! It wasn't exactly something you told people over the phone. "Cordelia, she needs me here. If something major comes up that you can't handle call me at the mansion, otherwise I'll see you when I see you." I hang up the phone. I'm not going to have this conversation with Cordelia, or anyone at the moment.
Buffy sneaks up on me and wraps her arms around my waist. She lays her cheek on my back. "Cordy being good old Queen C?"
I should have known with her new hearing abilities she'd overhear the conversation. "She doesn't understand and I'm not going to have that conversation with her over the phone."
"You said you may be staying here for awhile, how long's a while?" Buffy asks. I can hear the tremor in her voice. I turn around and catch her up in my arms.
"A while is as long as you want me." I look down into her green gray eyes. I can see the fear that lingers just underneath, but otherwise they are the same eyes I fell in love with. Being a vampire hasn't changed what Buffy is. She still holds her heart out before her, for the whole world to see and I'm still afraid it's going to get bruised or torn. Maybe it's because she was never really a vampire without a soul.
"How's forever? Does forever work for you?" She echoes back to me the words she asked me that night at her mother's grave. If only I'd responded the same way then as I do now.
"Forever works just fine for me." I say.
"So, what about the offices in LA? What happens to them?" She asks me.
"I don't know yet." I reply honestly.
"I don't think Giles has told the council yet. I can only imagine their viewpoint. They'll probably send assassins out to stake me." She tries to make light of it, but I can see it in her eyes, she's worried about it.
"Didn't you stop working for the Council after I got poisoned? I know I was out of it, but I could have sworn."
She nods. "Yeah, but when I was trying to fight Glory, they said they had information. They wanted to make a deal. I got the better end of it. You would have been proud. So, Giles is an official watcher again and I'm an official Council slayer again, or I was. I guess now I'm Buffy the Vampire vampire slayer, which doesn't really make sense, maybe I should be Vampire Buffy the vampire slayer, of course I haven't actually slayed anything since-Glory." She pauses and ducks her head against my chest so I can see the rush of salty tears in her eyes. She forgets, I can smell them.
"We'll talk to them, make them see reason. The worst that can happen is they don't want you to slay for them, no problem." I say.
Buffy levels me with her 'when did you become a moron' look. "Hello? What bizarro world are you living in? When did you incur brain damage? This is the council we're talking about. Reason is not something they apply to their daily lives."
"They listened to you last time."
"Yes, I threw a sword at one of them and told them they play my way, or no slay. For all we know, another slayer has been called." She explains.
"You threw a sword at one of them?"
"Well, you know subtly has never been one of my strong points." She says tugging me over to the couch.
I chuckle. "I can only imagine the look on the person's face."
"It was great. I thought he was going to have a stroke. Now all this talking has made me hungry, I wanna eat."
"What are you waiting for?" I grin at her.
She pauses a moment, wrinkling her forehead. "Does it bother you?"
I hesitate, wondering if I should tell her how much it doesn't bother me. I'm not sure if she's ready to deal with the physical aspects of our relationship. Emotionally, we have never been on stronger ground, but there were circumstances. Honestly, if Buffy hadn't jumped, I would have helped her defeat Glory and then disappeared into the fog like I did after we defeated the Mayor. Living a life without Buffy hurt more then words can say, but being so close to her and not being able to have her, that was unbearable, even for someone with 243 years of willpower. I decide I'll tell her later that biting me makes the demon in me howl with desire.
"It doesn't bother me. Drink."
*
Later we're curled up on the couch together. I'm reading her Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
"I'll turn you into a literary fan before it's all said and done." I say kissing her on the top of her head.
"I just like to listen to your voice." She confesses. I chuckle.
"Angel, What if Dawnie wants to live with us, or wants us to move in with her?" She asks, looking up at me.
"We'll do whatever she wants. We can go talk to her in a little while if you want."
"No, not now, I mean there are still issues and a lot would depend on her and Giles. It's just; I'm all she has now. I mean it would work okay, wouldn't it? I don't think she'd be freaked out by living with us. I don't know who would take her, if I didn't. I mean Dad isn't exactly winning any Parent of the year awards. He never did show up when Mom died. We got flowers and a card almost a month afterwards. I guess he's so busy with his new family that he can't really take the time to check on his old one."
"We'll make it work out, as long as it's what Dawn wants." I promise her.
"Okay, but no offense, if we decide to live here, we've got to do some home improvement. I mean Martha Stewart would have serious issues with your décor."
I look around the main room. "What's wrong with my décor? Most of the art in here is priceless." I have sudden visions of stuffed animals and that crap called potpourri all over the place, maybe cutesy bird house hanging from the eaves. I mean what's the point do people have birds flying all over their houses?
"Nothing's wrong with it and I promise I'll leave it, but it wouldn't kill you to have some throw pillows, a TV and DVD player, more then one phone. Dawn is going to want at least one mirror in the house and if I remember correctly it's not very girl, live girl, friendly here."
Why do I feel like I just fell into the ninth circle of Hell, again?
@--Buffy--@
"Ok, Dawnie, last time. You're sure I look ok?" I smooth a hand over my hair. Dawn is here helping me get ready because we're meeting Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander at the Bronze. It's the first time I've seen them since the fight with Glory. I figure the Bronze is sorta safe. They won't stake me there, I don't think.
"You look really beautiful, Buffy." Dawn says handing me a lip gloss. That's at least one aspect of makeup I feel comfortable doing without a reflection.
"You know, this reflection thing is harder then I thought. I mean I always thought Angel meant for his hair to look like it does." I slip into my high heeled black knee boots.
"What's wrong with my hair?" Angel pokes his head into the door frame and self consciously feels his hair.
"Nothing, but your lucky you look way hot with the I just got out of bed look." Dawn says.
I walk over and wrap my arms around his waist. "Are you ready to go?"
He steps back and looks appreciatively at my short black dress. He's wearing black slacks and a black silk shirt, big surprise there, but it works for him. The whole dark and brooding thing always has. "You look great."
"Thank Dawnie, she did it all." I turn to Dawn. "And remember, no drinking anything but soda or coffee."
Dawn wrinkles her nose. "Like I'd touch something that smells the way alcohol does."
"You're a good sister." I tell her with a gentle tug on one of her long locks.
"I'm the best. Come on lets go before all the good tables are taken." Dawn grabbed up both Angel and my hands and tugged us toward the door.
The Bronze was already busy. Willow and Tara had gotten there early and staked us out a grouping of couches in the corner that was relatively quiet. Dawn gave Willow and Tara both a little hug.
"H-hey, Buffy, Angel." Tara says, trying to break the ice in her quiet way.
I smile at her. Willow stands up and hugs me. "Hey, Will, Tara. It's really good to see you both."
I try not to notice Willow draws back from the hug a little bit.
"Uhm, Xander and Anya went to get us all mocha chinos. " Willow says uncomfortably.
Angel and I sit down. The silence is awkward. I hate this.
"So, how's college, Will?" I asked, trying to break the silence.
"It's good. I've got finals coming up so I've been doing a lot of studying. Remember Mr. Zobani, he's giving us a huge essay on Greek literature for the final." Willow says.
"I hated him. He was always so arrogant."
"I'm kind of looking for an original viewpoint on the whole thing. I'm hoping if I give him something different from everyone else he'll actually take notice of it." Willow says.
"If you would like, you could drop by the mansion some afternoon. I spent several decades of doing nothing but reading. I've got a lot of Greek literature in LA I could have Wes send me if it would help." Angel offers. I squeeze his hand, my way of thanking him for trying to fit in with my friends.
"So you're going to be staying a little while?" Willow asks. Her tone is slightly harder and accusing then it needs to be.
"I'm staying as long as Buffy is. If she decides she wants to move to LA, then we'll move to LA."
Oooo, score one for Angel.
"And that just gives me warm fuzzies." Xander and Anya walk up with mocha chinos.
I see Angel tighten his jaw, but he doesn't say anything. Xander hands mocha chinos all around before flopping down on the couch between Willow and Anya.
"So, we can look forward to many more fun filled times with Dead Boy." Xander says.
"Xander, don't call him that." I squeeze Angel's hand.
"Why does it hurt wittle Angel's feelings?" Xander continues mocking.
"It bothers me. Are you going to start calling me Dead Girl next?" I glare at him.
Xander just stares at me, his mouth gaping like a fish.
"No, Buffy, Xander didn't mean-it's just a joke." Willow tries to cover for him.
"Xander has been making jokes at Angel's expense for a long time. I should have jumped in ages ago. It's hurtful and it's mean. You know, this was just a bad idea. We're gonna go." I get up and run out of the Bronze as fast as I can, hot tears stinging my eyes. Willow is right behind me. I know because I can smell her. I stop in the alley. Angel is lurking in the doorway, out of sight. I can feel him.+
"Buffy, Xander is just upset. He's having a really hard time dealing with what Angel did to you." Willow says.
"I know that Will. I'm having a hard time with it too. I was ready to die. I wanted to die and I don't think any of you ever saw that. Angel turned me because he couldn't stand the thought of a world without me in it. Now I've got to accept that and if you and Xander want to be in my life, you're going to have to also."
"Angel did choose a life without you, Buffy. He left you, remember?" Willow said.
"I didn't get brain damage when I died, Will. I remember. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. And you're right, Angel did choose a life without me, and he was doing okay with it, he didn't choose a world without me in it. With someone like Angel, there's a difference."
"Buffy, we're trying really."
"Is it so hard, Will? I'm still me inside! I don't even look different! So what if I'm cold to the touch, so what if I don't breathe and I don't have a heart that beats. Everything that makes me what I am is still here!" I'm screaming and crying by now and I don't care.
Willow is crying. "What if something happens, like with what happened to Angel and you turn evil? Are we supposed to be just like oh well guess it's time to start staking Buffy."
"That's what this is all about? You're worried I'm going to turn evil and you'll have to kill me?" I look at her in shock.
Willow shrugs.
"Good. It's about damn time you and Xander had some idea of what it felt like for me to send Angel to hell." I glare at her and for the first time since I've been turned I struggle against vamping out. "But don't worry, that moment of perfect happiness, it won't ever happen. Angel feels so guilty about what he did that he can hardly touch me." My voice sounds bitter and filled with hurt, even to my ears.
"Oh, Buffy," In that moment, Willow becomes my old best friend again; ready to comfort me during a boyfriend crisis. I can't help it. I break down into those sobs that shake your whole body.
"It sounds stupid, but sometimes I wish Angel didn't love me so much. We wouldn't have had to ever worry about this." I say between sobs.
"I know. It makes the best friend job of villianizing hard. I mean what am I supposed to say Grrr, I can't' stand Angel because he loves you to much." Willow jokes.
I laugh and wipe at the tears on my cheeks. "So you and I are okay?"
"Best of buds." Willow says hooking her arm through mine.
"So what do we do about Xander now? I really think Angel is staying this time."
"I think Xander and Angel are going to have to have one of those man to man talks." Willow says as we walk back toward the Bronze.
"That might work, as long as we don't let Xander bring pointy wood things."
-Angel-
I wake up with Buffy in my arms and for a minute it doesn't matter what I've done. She is achingly beautiful with her golden hair strewn over the pillows. She still feels like she always did, my salvation, my redemption, my reward and then I see the tear tracks on her cheeks. The guilt overwhelms me again and my soul screams out, asking what I've done to this woman I love more then I thought possible. She fell asleep crying in my arms and I didn't want to leave her side. I get out of bed careful not to stir her. I've got to call LA and I'd just as soon she be asleep for the conversation.
"Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless." Cordelia answered.
"Cordy, how are things going there?" I ask.
"Not that you'd care. You've been in Sunny hell for almost an entire week. We don't hear one word from you."
"I'm sorry, Cordy. Things have been chaotic here. I haven't really had a chance to call before now."
"Well, did Buffy get her apocalypse worked out and when are you coming home?" Getting straight to the point, that was Cordy's way.
"I don't know when I'm coming home. I may be staying here for awhile."
"Angel, Buffy has to get on with her own life. You can't stay there and fix what ever she's broken. We need you here."
I grit my teeth. I wanted to scream out, she didn't break it, I did! It wasn't exactly something you told people over the phone. "Cordelia, she needs me here. If something major comes up that you can't handle call me at the mansion, otherwise I'll see you when I see you." I hang up the phone. I'm not going to have this conversation with Cordelia, or anyone at the moment.
Buffy sneaks up on me and wraps her arms around my waist. She lays her cheek on my back. "Cordy being good old Queen C?"
I should have known with her new hearing abilities she'd overhear the conversation. "She doesn't understand and I'm not going to have that conversation with her over the phone."
"You said you may be staying here for awhile, how long's a while?" Buffy asks. I can hear the tremor in her voice. I turn around and catch her up in my arms.
"A while is as long as you want me." I look down into her green gray eyes. I can see the fear that lingers just underneath, but otherwise they are the same eyes I fell in love with. Being a vampire hasn't changed what Buffy is. She still holds her heart out before her, for the whole world to see and I'm still afraid it's going to get bruised or torn. Maybe it's because she was never really a vampire without a soul.
"How's forever? Does forever work for you?" She echoes back to me the words she asked me that night at her mother's grave. If only I'd responded the same way then as I do now.
"Forever works just fine for me." I say.
"So, what about the offices in LA? What happens to them?" She asks me.
"I don't know yet." I reply honestly.
"I don't think Giles has told the council yet. I can only imagine their viewpoint. They'll probably send assassins out to stake me." She tries to make light of it, but I can see it in her eyes, she's worried about it.
"Didn't you stop working for the Council after I got poisoned? I know I was out of it, but I could have sworn."
She nods. "Yeah, but when I was trying to fight Glory, they said they had information. They wanted to make a deal. I got the better end of it. You would have been proud. So, Giles is an official watcher again and I'm an official Council slayer again, or I was. I guess now I'm Buffy the Vampire vampire slayer, which doesn't really make sense, maybe I should be Vampire Buffy the vampire slayer, of course I haven't actually slayed anything since-Glory." She pauses and ducks her head against my chest so I can see the rush of salty tears in her eyes. She forgets, I can smell them.
"We'll talk to them, make them see reason. The worst that can happen is they don't want you to slay for them, no problem." I say.
Buffy levels me with her 'when did you become a moron' look. "Hello? What bizarro world are you living in? When did you incur brain damage? This is the council we're talking about. Reason is not something they apply to their daily lives."
"They listened to you last time."
"Yes, I threw a sword at one of them and told them they play my way, or no slay. For all we know, another slayer has been called." She explains.
"You threw a sword at one of them?"
"Well, you know subtly has never been one of my strong points." She says tugging me over to the couch.
I chuckle. "I can only imagine the look on the person's face."
"It was great. I thought he was going to have a stroke. Now all this talking has made me hungry, I wanna eat."
"What are you waiting for?" I grin at her.
She pauses a moment, wrinkling her forehead. "Does it bother you?"
I hesitate, wondering if I should tell her how much it doesn't bother me. I'm not sure if she's ready to deal with the physical aspects of our relationship. Emotionally, we have never been on stronger ground, but there were circumstances. Honestly, if Buffy hadn't jumped, I would have helped her defeat Glory and then disappeared into the fog like I did after we defeated the Mayor. Living a life without Buffy hurt more then words can say, but being so close to her and not being able to have her, that was unbearable, even for someone with 243 years of willpower. I decide I'll tell her later that biting me makes the demon in me howl with desire.
"It doesn't bother me. Drink."
*
Later we're curled up on the couch together. I'm reading her Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
"I'll turn you into a literary fan before it's all said and done." I say kissing her on the top of her head.
"I just like to listen to your voice." She confesses. I chuckle.
"Angel, What if Dawnie wants to live with us, or wants us to move in with her?" She asks, looking up at me.
"We'll do whatever she wants. We can go talk to her in a little while if you want."
"No, not now, I mean there are still issues and a lot would depend on her and Giles. It's just; I'm all she has now. I mean it would work okay, wouldn't it? I don't think she'd be freaked out by living with us. I don't know who would take her, if I didn't. I mean Dad isn't exactly winning any Parent of the year awards. He never did show up when Mom died. We got flowers and a card almost a month afterwards. I guess he's so busy with his new family that he can't really take the time to check on his old one."
"We'll make it work out, as long as it's what Dawn wants." I promise her.
"Okay, but no offense, if we decide to live here, we've got to do some home improvement. I mean Martha Stewart would have serious issues with your décor."
I look around the main room. "What's wrong with my décor? Most of the art in here is priceless." I have sudden visions of stuffed animals and that crap called potpourri all over the place, maybe cutesy bird house hanging from the eaves. I mean what's the point do people have birds flying all over their houses?
"Nothing's wrong with it and I promise I'll leave it, but it wouldn't kill you to have some throw pillows, a TV and DVD player, more then one phone. Dawn is going to want at least one mirror in the house and if I remember correctly it's not very girl, live girl, friendly here."
Why do I feel like I just fell into the ninth circle of Hell, again?
@--Buffy--@
"Ok, Dawnie, last time. You're sure I look ok?" I smooth a hand over my hair. Dawn is here helping me get ready because we're meeting Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander at the Bronze. It's the first time I've seen them since the fight with Glory. I figure the Bronze is sorta safe. They won't stake me there, I don't think.
"You look really beautiful, Buffy." Dawn says handing me a lip gloss. That's at least one aspect of makeup I feel comfortable doing without a reflection.
"You know, this reflection thing is harder then I thought. I mean I always thought Angel meant for his hair to look like it does." I slip into my high heeled black knee boots.
"What's wrong with my hair?" Angel pokes his head into the door frame and self consciously feels his hair.
"Nothing, but your lucky you look way hot with the I just got out of bed look." Dawn says.
I walk over and wrap my arms around his waist. "Are you ready to go?"
He steps back and looks appreciatively at my short black dress. He's wearing black slacks and a black silk shirt, big surprise there, but it works for him. The whole dark and brooding thing always has. "You look great."
"Thank Dawnie, she did it all." I turn to Dawn. "And remember, no drinking anything but soda or coffee."
Dawn wrinkles her nose. "Like I'd touch something that smells the way alcohol does."
"You're a good sister." I tell her with a gentle tug on one of her long locks.
"I'm the best. Come on lets go before all the good tables are taken." Dawn grabbed up both Angel and my hands and tugged us toward the door.
The Bronze was already busy. Willow and Tara had gotten there early and staked us out a grouping of couches in the corner that was relatively quiet. Dawn gave Willow and Tara both a little hug.
"H-hey, Buffy, Angel." Tara says, trying to break the ice in her quiet way.
I smile at her. Willow stands up and hugs me. "Hey, Will, Tara. It's really good to see you both."
I try not to notice Willow draws back from the hug a little bit.
"Uhm, Xander and Anya went to get us all mocha chinos. " Willow says uncomfortably.
Angel and I sit down. The silence is awkward. I hate this.
"So, how's college, Will?" I asked, trying to break the silence.
"It's good. I've got finals coming up so I've been doing a lot of studying. Remember Mr. Zobani, he's giving us a huge essay on Greek literature for the final." Willow says.
"I hated him. He was always so arrogant."
"I'm kind of looking for an original viewpoint on the whole thing. I'm hoping if I give him something different from everyone else he'll actually take notice of it." Willow says.
"If you would like, you could drop by the mansion some afternoon. I spent several decades of doing nothing but reading. I've got a lot of Greek literature in LA I could have Wes send me if it would help." Angel offers. I squeeze his hand, my way of thanking him for trying to fit in with my friends.
"So you're going to be staying a little while?" Willow asks. Her tone is slightly harder and accusing then it needs to be.
"I'm staying as long as Buffy is. If she decides she wants to move to LA, then we'll move to LA."
Oooo, score one for Angel.
"And that just gives me warm fuzzies." Xander and Anya walk up with mocha chinos.
I see Angel tighten his jaw, but he doesn't say anything. Xander hands mocha chinos all around before flopping down on the couch between Willow and Anya.
"So, we can look forward to many more fun filled times with Dead Boy." Xander says.
"Xander, don't call him that." I squeeze Angel's hand.
"Why does it hurt wittle Angel's feelings?" Xander continues mocking.
"It bothers me. Are you going to start calling me Dead Girl next?" I glare at him.
Xander just stares at me, his mouth gaping like a fish.
"No, Buffy, Xander didn't mean-it's just a joke." Willow tries to cover for him.
"Xander has been making jokes at Angel's expense for a long time. I should have jumped in ages ago. It's hurtful and it's mean. You know, this was just a bad idea. We're gonna go." I get up and run out of the Bronze as fast as I can, hot tears stinging my eyes. Willow is right behind me. I know because I can smell her. I stop in the alley. Angel is lurking in the doorway, out of sight. I can feel him.+
"Buffy, Xander is just upset. He's having a really hard time dealing with what Angel did to you." Willow says.
"I know that Will. I'm having a hard time with it too. I was ready to die. I wanted to die and I don't think any of you ever saw that. Angel turned me because he couldn't stand the thought of a world without me in it. Now I've got to accept that and if you and Xander want to be in my life, you're going to have to also."
"Angel did choose a life without you, Buffy. He left you, remember?" Willow said.
"I didn't get brain damage when I died, Will. I remember. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. And you're right, Angel did choose a life without me, and he was doing okay with it, he didn't choose a world without me in it. With someone like Angel, there's a difference."
"Buffy, we're trying really."
"Is it so hard, Will? I'm still me inside! I don't even look different! So what if I'm cold to the touch, so what if I don't breathe and I don't have a heart that beats. Everything that makes me what I am is still here!" I'm screaming and crying by now and I don't care.
Willow is crying. "What if something happens, like with what happened to Angel and you turn evil? Are we supposed to be just like oh well guess it's time to start staking Buffy."
"That's what this is all about? You're worried I'm going to turn evil and you'll have to kill me?" I look at her in shock.
Willow shrugs.
"Good. It's about damn time you and Xander had some idea of what it felt like for me to send Angel to hell." I glare at her and for the first time since I've been turned I struggle against vamping out. "But don't worry, that moment of perfect happiness, it won't ever happen. Angel feels so guilty about what he did that he can hardly touch me." My voice sounds bitter and filled with hurt, even to my ears.
"Oh, Buffy," In that moment, Willow becomes my old best friend again; ready to comfort me during a boyfriend crisis. I can't help it. I break down into those sobs that shake your whole body.
"It sounds stupid, but sometimes I wish Angel didn't love me so much. We wouldn't have had to ever worry about this." I say between sobs.
"I know. It makes the best friend job of villianizing hard. I mean what am I supposed to say Grrr, I can't' stand Angel because he loves you to much." Willow jokes.
I laugh and wipe at the tears on my cheeks. "So you and I are okay?"
"Best of buds." Willow says hooking her arm through mine.
"So what do we do about Xander now? I really think Angel is staying this time."
"I think Xander and Angel are going to have to have one of those man to man talks." Willow says as we walk back toward the Bronze.
"That might work, as long as we don't let Xander bring pointy wood things."
