Chapter 24- Home of my Soul
-Angel-
Against my better judgment, Giles, Wesley and Willow have decided to tranquilize Buffy again. Willow is going to have to anoint her with some sort of holy oil that's going to burn her and needless to say, Buffy isn't being terribly cooperative. I have argued that all she can do is scream. I'd much rather have her awake for the spell, at least then I will be able to look into her eyes and tell if her soul has returned.
Wes draws up a long syringe of tranquilizer. He taps the bubbles out of it carefully. Buffy starts screaming again as soon as she sees the needle.
"It won't hurt you, Buffy. It will just make you sleepy." Wes tries to reason with her.
"Fuck off Wes. If I wanted to sleep I would. Go back to the Mother Country and let your father pussy whip you around the house." She spits at him.
Wes flinches, even though he's trying to be stoic. I stand off to the side with my hands in my pockets. I didn't want to do this but I'm not going to interfere. Wes searches for a vein in her arm. It's rather hard to find one on most vampires.
Buffy looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears. Her face crumbles. "Angel, don't let him do this to me. Please, make him stop."
I take a deep breath and turn my back. I know it's not her but it's everything I can do not to jerk the needle out of Wes' hand, un-cuff her and take her in my arms.
"Angel, Angel, please don't let him-"She trails off as the tranquilizer hits her. I pinch the bridge of my nose and will myself not to cry.
Wes puts the needle back in a black leather bag. "She was just trying to manipulate you, Angel."
"I know that, Wes." I snap, harsher then I really intended to be. "Look, I didn't mean to snap. This has all just been really difficult."
"It has, for everyone involved, but more so for you I imagine. We've been through worse, Angel. We'll make it through this too." Wes says.
I clear my throat and nod. "Thanks, Wes."
Willow is in the main room, preparing things for the spell. The council has thoughtfully provided us with a translation from the original. We have yet to inform them about Quentin.
"It's really a lot like the gypsy curse, without the whole happiness clause." Willow says as she studies the book. "Anyone know who Ti-Tsang Wang is?"
"Yes. He's the God of Mercy in Ancient Chinese mythology. The myth goes that he roams the halls of hell looking for lost souls. He will do everything he can to prevent a soul from going to hell, even stop the cycle of a soul's rebirth." Wes explains.
"Buffy's soul is not in hell." I growl.
Giles clears his throat. "Of course not, it's merely a myth I'm sure."
"Well, let's hope he's in charge of all lost souls, 'cause that's the guy I'm praying to." Willow says with a little sigh.
Large crystals are set at four points in the circle. Willow is burning some kind of incense in a carved burner. She sets a piece of parchment in front of the North crystal.
Dawn walks in somberly through the front door. I think this is the real reason Wes wanted Buffy tranquilized. I get that. I wish he'd told me. It would have made watching her beg and plead with me easier. Dawn's eyes are red and swollen. I don't know how much she's been told but she'd have to be stupid not to realize that Buffy has been killing kids she went to school with.
I look down at the floor and avoid eye contact with Dawn. I'm so withdrawn into myself she catches me off guard with a tackling hug. There's so much of Buffy in her. I didn't think there would any other person capable of forgiving me the atrocities I've committed. I know in that moment that Buffy is right. The monks had to have created Dawn out of Buffy, out of her soul and her blood. If I take into account what Buffy told me in my dream about our souls, it also accounts for why Dawn has always felt like a little sister, like Kathy before I was turned.
I stroke Dawn's hair and whisper soothing nonsensical things to her while she cries into my chest. I promise her that Willow will bring her sister back. Somehow I know it's true. That's Willow's purpose; she has always brought Buffy back from whatever she needed bringing back from. Eventually, Dawn pulls away from me.
"I needed Dawn here. I don't know if Buffy explained to you about Dawn being made by monks or not, but apparently they used part of Buffy to make her. I also need you here. I'm hoping by having parts of her soul here, it will make it easier for the rest of her to find its way back." Willow says.
Buffy's words from my dream come back to me. ~"They made mine out of yours. That's why we belong. We're not just soul mates, we're the same soul."~
"Okay this little different. The translation of what is going to happen is a little vague. Wes looked at it earlier, but we really don't have the time it would take to come up with something more through. We should see something and the soul is going to go into a vessel, but I can't find any mention of what that vessel is. There was no requirement for an orb, or an urn or box, only the crystals and the people. I know the Orb of Thessulah glows golden when it contains a soul. I think this other vessel with glow golden also and then it will be transferred to Buffy."
"What do you mean, you think? I don't want Buffy's soul lost out there somewhere, trapped in a vessel that we don't know where or what it is." I say.
Willow shakes her head. "No the soul won't stray far from the spell. I think maybe it will go into one of the crystals. The spell talks a lot about how important the four point crystals are and that there have to be trustworthy people behind the crystals."
Willow takes the North crystal, Giles the south. Dawn is naturally the east, the rising sun, and I am the west, the setting sun. Wesley and Gunn stand guard in Buffy's room.
Willow lights paraffin candles around the room and returns to her position in front of the North crystal.
"Ti-Tsang Wang we plead with you guide Buffy's soul, find what is lost and bring it home again. Ti-Tsang Wang we implore you, do not ignore our plea. Guide Buffy's soul. Gift her with her soul Find what is lost and bring it home again."
I am struck by the simplicity of a spell with such power. There is a moment of utter silence; the air is liquid and thick. Everything is far away, sounds, sights wavering and then I feel as if I am struck by lightening. I bend over double, gasping for breath. Then I feel it, her soul. It has returned home. Willow, Dawn and Giles are gaping at me. I sprint to Buffy, afraid it's going to leave, and wanting so much to savor the feeling of her soul. It's so beautiful, unshed tears gather in my eyes. I lower my lips to hers and breathe out. As our lips join, I feel it slipping away and it's okay because I know it's going to reside in its rightful place. Buffy's entire being glows golden for a moment and then it fades away slowly, like a flame burning out.
"Someone wanna give me the 411 on what just happened?" Gunn asks.
Willow starts and stops, obviously not sure herself.
"I was the vessel. A dream I had, Buffy told me. It made sense when it happened." I smile and shake my head in disbelief.
"Still not seeing the whole picture." Gunn says.
"In my dream, Buffy told me we weren't soul mates. Her soul is made out of mine, we're not soul mates, we're the same soul. Willow's spell asked this god to return the soul home. It did. I just had to make sure it got to the right home."
Gunn is staring at me and shaking his head. "Ok, man, you know when Cordy and Wes filled me in on the whole Buffy and Angel thing they mentioned a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet. Dude, you two make Romeo and Juliet look like a one night stand." He walks out of the room, still shaking his head.
*
I sent everyone away. I know waking up with your soul, and knowing you did things that you can never forgive yourself for, isn't something you want to share with the world. I make tea. I don't know why. It's soothing I guess. I unlock the chains and manacles holding her. I have no doubt she will be herself when she wakes up. I felt her soul. I put the chains away in the trunk at the foot of the bed. I call the butcher and have him deliver fresh blood. I call the florist and have a dozen white roses delivered. I'm wasting time. I know she's going to wake up soon. The tranquilizer wasn't as strong as the last dose we gave her.
I'm sitting next to the bed in a chair, trying to read Shakespeare. Gunn's comment urged me to pick up Romeo and Juliet. Her eyelids flutter and it's almost as if I can sense it. I lay my book to the side and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. I take her hand in mine and kiss the knuckles. Her hands are cool, after the dream I expected them to be warm somehow.
"Angel," she says with a soft smile in that sleepy voice that I love.
I smooth her hair back from her face and smile at her. I've got to be strong. She's going to start remembering soon and I can't let my guilt overcome me. Hers is the only one that matters right now. "I love you." I tell her. She needs to know that, before she remembers, before she's filled with the horror of all the things she's done. She needs to know that I don't care, that I know and I love her anyway.
I can see the exact moment she starts to remember. Her beautiful hazel eyes, eyes I love so much, register fear first, then shock and disgust and horror. Her face crumbles; she curls her body into itself. That's my cue. I crawl into the bed with her and pull her tiny body into mine. I let her cry. I've been through this, twice. I know there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do that will make this better.
-Angel-
Against my better judgment, Giles, Wesley and Willow have decided to tranquilize Buffy again. Willow is going to have to anoint her with some sort of holy oil that's going to burn her and needless to say, Buffy isn't being terribly cooperative. I have argued that all she can do is scream. I'd much rather have her awake for the spell, at least then I will be able to look into her eyes and tell if her soul has returned.
Wes draws up a long syringe of tranquilizer. He taps the bubbles out of it carefully. Buffy starts screaming again as soon as she sees the needle.
"It won't hurt you, Buffy. It will just make you sleepy." Wes tries to reason with her.
"Fuck off Wes. If I wanted to sleep I would. Go back to the Mother Country and let your father pussy whip you around the house." She spits at him.
Wes flinches, even though he's trying to be stoic. I stand off to the side with my hands in my pockets. I didn't want to do this but I'm not going to interfere. Wes searches for a vein in her arm. It's rather hard to find one on most vampires.
Buffy looks up at me and her eyes fill with tears. Her face crumbles. "Angel, don't let him do this to me. Please, make him stop."
I take a deep breath and turn my back. I know it's not her but it's everything I can do not to jerk the needle out of Wes' hand, un-cuff her and take her in my arms.
"Angel, Angel, please don't let him-"She trails off as the tranquilizer hits her. I pinch the bridge of my nose and will myself not to cry.
Wes puts the needle back in a black leather bag. "She was just trying to manipulate you, Angel."
"I know that, Wes." I snap, harsher then I really intended to be. "Look, I didn't mean to snap. This has all just been really difficult."
"It has, for everyone involved, but more so for you I imagine. We've been through worse, Angel. We'll make it through this too." Wes says.
I clear my throat and nod. "Thanks, Wes."
Willow is in the main room, preparing things for the spell. The council has thoughtfully provided us with a translation from the original. We have yet to inform them about Quentin.
"It's really a lot like the gypsy curse, without the whole happiness clause." Willow says as she studies the book. "Anyone know who Ti-Tsang Wang is?"
"Yes. He's the God of Mercy in Ancient Chinese mythology. The myth goes that he roams the halls of hell looking for lost souls. He will do everything he can to prevent a soul from going to hell, even stop the cycle of a soul's rebirth." Wes explains.
"Buffy's soul is not in hell." I growl.
Giles clears his throat. "Of course not, it's merely a myth I'm sure."
"Well, let's hope he's in charge of all lost souls, 'cause that's the guy I'm praying to." Willow says with a little sigh.
Large crystals are set at four points in the circle. Willow is burning some kind of incense in a carved burner. She sets a piece of parchment in front of the North crystal.
Dawn walks in somberly through the front door. I think this is the real reason Wes wanted Buffy tranquilized. I get that. I wish he'd told me. It would have made watching her beg and plead with me easier. Dawn's eyes are red and swollen. I don't know how much she's been told but she'd have to be stupid not to realize that Buffy has been killing kids she went to school with.
I look down at the floor and avoid eye contact with Dawn. I'm so withdrawn into myself she catches me off guard with a tackling hug. There's so much of Buffy in her. I didn't think there would any other person capable of forgiving me the atrocities I've committed. I know in that moment that Buffy is right. The monks had to have created Dawn out of Buffy, out of her soul and her blood. If I take into account what Buffy told me in my dream about our souls, it also accounts for why Dawn has always felt like a little sister, like Kathy before I was turned.
I stroke Dawn's hair and whisper soothing nonsensical things to her while she cries into my chest. I promise her that Willow will bring her sister back. Somehow I know it's true. That's Willow's purpose; she has always brought Buffy back from whatever she needed bringing back from. Eventually, Dawn pulls away from me.
"I needed Dawn here. I don't know if Buffy explained to you about Dawn being made by monks or not, but apparently they used part of Buffy to make her. I also need you here. I'm hoping by having parts of her soul here, it will make it easier for the rest of her to find its way back." Willow says.
Buffy's words from my dream come back to me. ~"They made mine out of yours. That's why we belong. We're not just soul mates, we're the same soul."~
"Okay this little different. The translation of what is going to happen is a little vague. Wes looked at it earlier, but we really don't have the time it would take to come up with something more through. We should see something and the soul is going to go into a vessel, but I can't find any mention of what that vessel is. There was no requirement for an orb, or an urn or box, only the crystals and the people. I know the Orb of Thessulah glows golden when it contains a soul. I think this other vessel with glow golden also and then it will be transferred to Buffy."
"What do you mean, you think? I don't want Buffy's soul lost out there somewhere, trapped in a vessel that we don't know where or what it is." I say.
Willow shakes her head. "No the soul won't stray far from the spell. I think maybe it will go into one of the crystals. The spell talks a lot about how important the four point crystals are and that there have to be trustworthy people behind the crystals."
Willow takes the North crystal, Giles the south. Dawn is naturally the east, the rising sun, and I am the west, the setting sun. Wesley and Gunn stand guard in Buffy's room.
Willow lights paraffin candles around the room and returns to her position in front of the North crystal.
"Ti-Tsang Wang we plead with you guide Buffy's soul, find what is lost and bring it home again. Ti-Tsang Wang we implore you, do not ignore our plea. Guide Buffy's soul. Gift her with her soul Find what is lost and bring it home again."
I am struck by the simplicity of a spell with such power. There is a moment of utter silence; the air is liquid and thick. Everything is far away, sounds, sights wavering and then I feel as if I am struck by lightening. I bend over double, gasping for breath. Then I feel it, her soul. It has returned home. Willow, Dawn and Giles are gaping at me. I sprint to Buffy, afraid it's going to leave, and wanting so much to savor the feeling of her soul. It's so beautiful, unshed tears gather in my eyes. I lower my lips to hers and breathe out. As our lips join, I feel it slipping away and it's okay because I know it's going to reside in its rightful place. Buffy's entire being glows golden for a moment and then it fades away slowly, like a flame burning out.
"Someone wanna give me the 411 on what just happened?" Gunn asks.
Willow starts and stops, obviously not sure herself.
"I was the vessel. A dream I had, Buffy told me. It made sense when it happened." I smile and shake my head in disbelief.
"Still not seeing the whole picture." Gunn says.
"In my dream, Buffy told me we weren't soul mates. Her soul is made out of mine, we're not soul mates, we're the same soul. Willow's spell asked this god to return the soul home. It did. I just had to make sure it got to the right home."
Gunn is staring at me and shaking his head. "Ok, man, you know when Cordy and Wes filled me in on the whole Buffy and Angel thing they mentioned a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet. Dude, you two make Romeo and Juliet look like a one night stand." He walks out of the room, still shaking his head.
*
I sent everyone away. I know waking up with your soul, and knowing you did things that you can never forgive yourself for, isn't something you want to share with the world. I make tea. I don't know why. It's soothing I guess. I unlock the chains and manacles holding her. I have no doubt she will be herself when she wakes up. I felt her soul. I put the chains away in the trunk at the foot of the bed. I call the butcher and have him deliver fresh blood. I call the florist and have a dozen white roses delivered. I'm wasting time. I know she's going to wake up soon. The tranquilizer wasn't as strong as the last dose we gave her.
I'm sitting next to the bed in a chair, trying to read Shakespeare. Gunn's comment urged me to pick up Romeo and Juliet. Her eyelids flutter and it's almost as if I can sense it. I lay my book to the side and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. I take her hand in mine and kiss the knuckles. Her hands are cool, after the dream I expected them to be warm somehow.
"Angel," she says with a soft smile in that sleepy voice that I love.
I smooth her hair back from her face and smile at her. I've got to be strong. She's going to start remembering soon and I can't let my guilt overcome me. Hers is the only one that matters right now. "I love you." I tell her. She needs to know that, before she remembers, before she's filled with the horror of all the things she's done. She needs to know that I don't care, that I know and I love her anyway.
I can see the exact moment she starts to remember. Her beautiful hazel eyes, eyes I love so much, register fear first, then shock and disgust and horror. Her face crumbles; she curls her body into itself. That's my cue. I crawl into the bed with her and pull her tiny body into mine. I let her cry. I've been through this, twice. I know there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do that will make this better.
