Chapter 26-Haunted
-Buffy-
I sit curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. I can hear their screams. I don't want to close my eyes, if I do it means I have to see them. How could I have done so much damage in such a short amount of time? I've killed vampires for what seems like most of my life. I know what they are capable of, but knowing and actually doing are two different things. I guess there's not a vampire rehabilitation center. There isn't a handbook on how to deal with this. I never got the slayer handbook, so maybe I'm just not getting the How to deal with losing your soul and going on a murdering rampage handbook either.
Angel keeps telling me it wasn't me that did all those things. It was the demon. Somehow it's easier to believe that when it's his demon instead of mine. I wasn't supposed to a demon. I was supposed to die saving the world. There would have been another girl called and everything would be right. Angel says it wouldn't. He says there will be other slayers; there will never be another me. Maybe that's a good thing. Ask Quentin if he'd like another me working for the watcher's council. Oh wait, you can't, because I tortured him to death.
Angel's words from so long ago come back to haunt me. "You have no idea what it's like to do the things I've done and care." I do now. I wonder how he made it as far as he has. I wonder how he finds the strength to get up in the evening. I can't. I can't walk into the sunrise either because I deserve this. I don't get to take the easy way out.
He walks in the room and comes to crouch on the floor beside me. He doesn't say anything. There's a lot of that now. Not because it's uncomfortable, but because there's nothing to say. He can't make it better with words. He can't make me forget the things I've done and he can't make it hurt less. So he offers me his presence, his self. He thinks it helps. It just makes me guiltier. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve to have him love me or have him sympathize with me. I deserve to be thrown in a cage and tortured for the rest of my eternity. He won't let that happen though, my knight in shining armor, maybe not so shining but my knight none the less.
"Buffy, you need to eat." He says softly.
I nod. I know I have to eat whether I want to or not. He's explained what will happen if I don't. I don't move from my corner though. He strokes the hair back from my face so he can see my eyes. I look up into his.
"Angel, when I die I know the demon goes back to hell, but where does my soul go? Does it go to hell with the demon?"
He sighs. "I don't know. It's not exactly something you come back from. I think maybe it depends on the soul. I believe in redemption. I believe you can make up for the things you've done. I hope that if I do enough good things in this world, when I die my soul gets to go wherever yours is."
"I think mine is going to go to Hell."
He pulls me into his arms and holds me there quietly. "Buffy, you have never done anything truly horrible when you had your soul. If anyone gets to go to Heaven, I think you do."
I shrug. "Maybe there isn't a Heaven."
"Yes, Buffy, there is a Heaven. Maybe it's not called that, but there is a beautiful wonderful place souls go."
"How do you know, Angel? Have you ever been there?"
"I know because I can't hold a cross. I know because I can't dip my fingers in holy water. I know there is a Heaven because I know there is a higher power then us. And I know that because only a higher power could give me you. Angels don't fall from Heaven every day you know." He says this last with a smile. I can hear the way the tears he's holding back makes his voice thick.
"I bet you use that line on all the girls." I don't want him to cry. It hurts when he cries.
"Only one girl, the girl, my girl." He says kissing the top of my head.
"Always."
The house smells like white roses and night blooming jasmine. Angel keeps ordering these flowers and putting them all over the place. I know he's trying to make me smile and I try. I just can't. I mean I'm here. I can smell my flowers and I can read books and watch TV and wrap myself inside the love of my life. None of the people I killed can do any of those things, ever again because of me. It's not fair and I don't have the right to do any of those things anymore. So I don't, except for the part about Angel. It hurts him when I don't respond to him, or when I shy away from him. I've hurt enough people. I don't need to hurt the person that loves me most anymore.
*
Its early morning. Angel and I are curled around each other in bed. I'm in that drifty, hazy state before sleep. I wrinkle my nose as I feel a sharp pinch. I reach back to brush my shoulder blade. The space beside me is suddenly vacant and I'm awakened completely by a feral roar. I am pulled from the bed by rough arms. In my sleep haze I can't think. Angel is fighting in full vamp face. There are half a dozen humans in the room. I elbow one of the humans holding my arm and jerk out of the other's grasp. They are hurting Angel. I slam the heel of my hand into a man's nose. He falls to the ground screaming and holding his bloody nose. I duck as the butt of tranquilizer gun comes toward my head. I grab the man's arm and twist. I hear the bone snap and the gun falls to the floor. I kick it under the bed. Angel picks up another man and throws him across the room. He takes a gun away and hits another man on the head with it, sending him to the floor. There's only one conscious man still here. Angel grabs him by his shirt and slams him against the wall.
"Who are you?" he growls around his fangs.
"W-wa-watcher's council, special ops." The man manages to say.
"Who sent you?"
"Ne-new council head, Geoff Smythe." The man stutters out.
"Which of us were you sent for?" Angel continues the line of questioning. I don't know why he even asked that, it's a Duh question.
"Slayer." He says, his eyes catching mine.
Angel knocks his head against the wall, knocking the man out cold, and lets him slide to the floor.
"Come on, Buffy, pack. I've got to get you out of here. Giles for now, we'll decide where to go from there." He grabs a bag from the armoire and starts throwing clothes in it. He also grabs two heavy woolen blankets.
We take the sewer access out. We can't use it to get into Giles apartment, but we can get close enough. Angel pulls a blanket tightly about me, covering me from head to toe.
"I climb up first, be right behind me." He instructs. I shy away from the sunlight as he moves the manhole cover. He climbs up into the light, unafraid. I'm right behind him. He waits for me up top. He pulls me in front of him, under his blanket, protecting me with his body. We run hunched over to Giles' door. Angel pounds on the door. I can smell him smoking and it scares me. If I lose Angel, I don't have anything. I start banging on the door too.
"Good Lord, if it's not apocalyptic-"Giles says. He trails off when he looks up and sees Angel and I huddled in the doorway.
"Invite us in, hurry." Angel says.
"Come in" he steps to the side and shuts the door behind us. Angel throws the blankets off both of us and takes me in his arms. He examines me closely for any signs of burns.
"I'm okay, what about you? You took the brunt of the exposure." I run my fingers over his face.
"I'm fine." He guides me over to the couch and we both sit down.
"I take this is not an afternoon social call?" Giles perches in the chair across from us.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to take her. When did the council find out about Travers?" Angel says.
"I talked to them a few days ago." Giles glances at me. "I told them it was a random attack."
"They didn't buy it. They were at the mansion today. Shot Buffy with some tranquilizer that wasn't close to strong enough." Angel says.
"You're quite alright?" Giles asks looking at me.
I nod. "Shoulder's a little numb."
Giles stands up and moves to examine it. I move away from his touch. He looks hurt and the instant I do it I regret it.
"I'm sorry, Giles. It's not you. It's me. Oh, God, I'm having a really hard time with this. I need to not be here." I look around franticly for a place to hide. Angel moves closer to me and wraps himself around me, giving me a place to hide. I bury myself in his chest. He pulls a blanket up over me and strokes my hair.
"If we can just stay here until nightfall, I'll take her somewhere until this is over with." Angel says. It feels good to have his chest rumble with the vibrations of his voice against me.
"Of course, you can both stay as long as you like. I'd help if I could, but somehow I doubt the watchers are going to be happy to hear from me. They already hold the opinion that I love Buffy too much." Giles says.
"It's going to tip them off that we're here, but can you have the butcher deliver some blood. She hasn't eaten today." Angel says.
"Neither have you, I'll wager." Giles says as he picks up the phone. I can hear him dial the numbers.
"No, but I can go a few days without it. She can't."
A little while later Angel and I are cocooned in Giles' guest bedroom. I'm curled up against him and the temptation to throw open the curtains on the windows is strong. They'd leave him alone if it weren't for me. I inch away from him, watching carefully to make sure he's still sleeping. He catches me by the wrist just as I'm almost off the bed. His eyes snap open.
"Buffy, don't even think about it. They wouldn't let me go even if they had you. Stay with me." I can see straight to his soul and I see how much he loves me. When Angel looks at me like that, I'm still that 16 year old girl hopelessly in love for the first and last time in her life.
"Always," I answer and crawl back in bed with him.
-Buffy-
I sit curled up in a ball in the corner of the room. I can hear their screams. I don't want to close my eyes, if I do it means I have to see them. How could I have done so much damage in such a short amount of time? I've killed vampires for what seems like most of my life. I know what they are capable of, but knowing and actually doing are two different things. I guess there's not a vampire rehabilitation center. There isn't a handbook on how to deal with this. I never got the slayer handbook, so maybe I'm just not getting the How to deal with losing your soul and going on a murdering rampage handbook either.
Angel keeps telling me it wasn't me that did all those things. It was the demon. Somehow it's easier to believe that when it's his demon instead of mine. I wasn't supposed to a demon. I was supposed to die saving the world. There would have been another girl called and everything would be right. Angel says it wouldn't. He says there will be other slayers; there will never be another me. Maybe that's a good thing. Ask Quentin if he'd like another me working for the watcher's council. Oh wait, you can't, because I tortured him to death.
Angel's words from so long ago come back to haunt me. "You have no idea what it's like to do the things I've done and care." I do now. I wonder how he made it as far as he has. I wonder how he finds the strength to get up in the evening. I can't. I can't walk into the sunrise either because I deserve this. I don't get to take the easy way out.
He walks in the room and comes to crouch on the floor beside me. He doesn't say anything. There's a lot of that now. Not because it's uncomfortable, but because there's nothing to say. He can't make it better with words. He can't make me forget the things I've done and he can't make it hurt less. So he offers me his presence, his self. He thinks it helps. It just makes me guiltier. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve to have him love me or have him sympathize with me. I deserve to be thrown in a cage and tortured for the rest of my eternity. He won't let that happen though, my knight in shining armor, maybe not so shining but my knight none the less.
"Buffy, you need to eat." He says softly.
I nod. I know I have to eat whether I want to or not. He's explained what will happen if I don't. I don't move from my corner though. He strokes the hair back from my face so he can see my eyes. I look up into his.
"Angel, when I die I know the demon goes back to hell, but where does my soul go? Does it go to hell with the demon?"
He sighs. "I don't know. It's not exactly something you come back from. I think maybe it depends on the soul. I believe in redemption. I believe you can make up for the things you've done. I hope that if I do enough good things in this world, when I die my soul gets to go wherever yours is."
"I think mine is going to go to Hell."
He pulls me into his arms and holds me there quietly. "Buffy, you have never done anything truly horrible when you had your soul. If anyone gets to go to Heaven, I think you do."
I shrug. "Maybe there isn't a Heaven."
"Yes, Buffy, there is a Heaven. Maybe it's not called that, but there is a beautiful wonderful place souls go."
"How do you know, Angel? Have you ever been there?"
"I know because I can't hold a cross. I know because I can't dip my fingers in holy water. I know there is a Heaven because I know there is a higher power then us. And I know that because only a higher power could give me you. Angels don't fall from Heaven every day you know." He says this last with a smile. I can hear the way the tears he's holding back makes his voice thick.
"I bet you use that line on all the girls." I don't want him to cry. It hurts when he cries.
"Only one girl, the girl, my girl." He says kissing the top of my head.
"Always."
The house smells like white roses and night blooming jasmine. Angel keeps ordering these flowers and putting them all over the place. I know he's trying to make me smile and I try. I just can't. I mean I'm here. I can smell my flowers and I can read books and watch TV and wrap myself inside the love of my life. None of the people I killed can do any of those things, ever again because of me. It's not fair and I don't have the right to do any of those things anymore. So I don't, except for the part about Angel. It hurts him when I don't respond to him, or when I shy away from him. I've hurt enough people. I don't need to hurt the person that loves me most anymore.
*
Its early morning. Angel and I are curled around each other in bed. I'm in that drifty, hazy state before sleep. I wrinkle my nose as I feel a sharp pinch. I reach back to brush my shoulder blade. The space beside me is suddenly vacant and I'm awakened completely by a feral roar. I am pulled from the bed by rough arms. In my sleep haze I can't think. Angel is fighting in full vamp face. There are half a dozen humans in the room. I elbow one of the humans holding my arm and jerk out of the other's grasp. They are hurting Angel. I slam the heel of my hand into a man's nose. He falls to the ground screaming and holding his bloody nose. I duck as the butt of tranquilizer gun comes toward my head. I grab the man's arm and twist. I hear the bone snap and the gun falls to the floor. I kick it under the bed. Angel picks up another man and throws him across the room. He takes a gun away and hits another man on the head with it, sending him to the floor. There's only one conscious man still here. Angel grabs him by his shirt and slams him against the wall.
"Who are you?" he growls around his fangs.
"W-wa-watcher's council, special ops." The man manages to say.
"Who sent you?"
"Ne-new council head, Geoff Smythe." The man stutters out.
"Which of us were you sent for?" Angel continues the line of questioning. I don't know why he even asked that, it's a Duh question.
"Slayer." He says, his eyes catching mine.
Angel knocks his head against the wall, knocking the man out cold, and lets him slide to the floor.
"Come on, Buffy, pack. I've got to get you out of here. Giles for now, we'll decide where to go from there." He grabs a bag from the armoire and starts throwing clothes in it. He also grabs two heavy woolen blankets.
We take the sewer access out. We can't use it to get into Giles apartment, but we can get close enough. Angel pulls a blanket tightly about me, covering me from head to toe.
"I climb up first, be right behind me." He instructs. I shy away from the sunlight as he moves the manhole cover. He climbs up into the light, unafraid. I'm right behind him. He waits for me up top. He pulls me in front of him, under his blanket, protecting me with his body. We run hunched over to Giles' door. Angel pounds on the door. I can smell him smoking and it scares me. If I lose Angel, I don't have anything. I start banging on the door too.
"Good Lord, if it's not apocalyptic-"Giles says. He trails off when he looks up and sees Angel and I huddled in the doorway.
"Invite us in, hurry." Angel says.
"Come in" he steps to the side and shuts the door behind us. Angel throws the blankets off both of us and takes me in his arms. He examines me closely for any signs of burns.
"I'm okay, what about you? You took the brunt of the exposure." I run my fingers over his face.
"I'm fine." He guides me over to the couch and we both sit down.
"I take this is not an afternoon social call?" Giles perches in the chair across from us.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know where else to take her. When did the council find out about Travers?" Angel says.
"I talked to them a few days ago." Giles glances at me. "I told them it was a random attack."
"They didn't buy it. They were at the mansion today. Shot Buffy with some tranquilizer that wasn't close to strong enough." Angel says.
"You're quite alright?" Giles asks looking at me.
I nod. "Shoulder's a little numb."
Giles stands up and moves to examine it. I move away from his touch. He looks hurt and the instant I do it I regret it.
"I'm sorry, Giles. It's not you. It's me. Oh, God, I'm having a really hard time with this. I need to not be here." I look around franticly for a place to hide. Angel moves closer to me and wraps himself around me, giving me a place to hide. I bury myself in his chest. He pulls a blanket up over me and strokes my hair.
"If we can just stay here until nightfall, I'll take her somewhere until this is over with." Angel says. It feels good to have his chest rumble with the vibrations of his voice against me.
"Of course, you can both stay as long as you like. I'd help if I could, but somehow I doubt the watchers are going to be happy to hear from me. They already hold the opinion that I love Buffy too much." Giles says.
"It's going to tip them off that we're here, but can you have the butcher deliver some blood. She hasn't eaten today." Angel says.
"Neither have you, I'll wager." Giles says as he picks up the phone. I can hear him dial the numbers.
"No, but I can go a few days without it. She can't."
A little while later Angel and I are cocooned in Giles' guest bedroom. I'm curled up against him and the temptation to throw open the curtains on the windows is strong. They'd leave him alone if it weren't for me. I inch away from him, watching carefully to make sure he's still sleeping. He catches me by the wrist just as I'm almost off the bed. His eyes snap open.
"Buffy, don't even think about it. They wouldn't let me go even if they had you. Stay with me." I can see straight to his soul and I see how much he loves me. When Angel looks at me like that, I'm still that 16 year old girl hopelessly in love for the first and last time in her life.
"Always," I answer and crawl back in bed with him.
