Chapter 37- Secrets

-Buffy-

I wake up slowly, stretching and testing each of my limbs before opening my eyes. Everything hurts, some things more then others. Angel is sitting next to the bed in a chair, reading a book in the dark. He smiles at me.

"How do you feel?" He asks.

I roll my shoulders. The left one is still a little tender and I can feel the scabbing on the wound break and start to ooze a bit of blood. "Great, considering how bad I was earlier. I knew my healing skills rocked, but this is amazing."

Angel leans forward, his elbows on his knees and directs his comment to the floor. "Giles, and the others, collected blood. You were hurt badly. Pig's blood wouldn't have let you heal nearly as quickly."

I bite my bottom lip. "Oh," There is a silence between us for a moment before Angel speaks.

"I didn't ask them. I told them to have blood delivered. It was going to take awhile to get here, so Giles took it upon himself to collect the blood. You worried us all, Buffy. What happened?"

"We fought for positions in Her Immortalness' army." I say.

"If you won, I would hate to see the other guy." Angel says.

"Dead."

He looks at me. His eyes are hard, almost cold. "You fought to the death?"

I nod. "We need the information, Angel. It's not like we're going to get it anywhere else."

"We could have tried." He says.

"How is a fight to the death any different from any of the fights I get into on a nightly basis? You think the nasties we kill wouldn't turn around and kill us if they had the chance? I killed them, I've got the position, and it's not a deal."

He shakes his head and wants to say more. He knows I'm right. He just doesn't like it.

"Okay, Angel, confession time. What's the deal with the Oracles and don't tell me nothing."

He stands up to pace the room. Now he's got me worried, as if I wasn't already.

"Doyle introduced me to the Oracles the first time. It was-it was the day after Thanksgiving, when you came up here to see your dad." Angel says.

I nod. "Wes told me you went to see them about that Mohra demon."

"That's not the whole truth." Angel looks at me. The pain and hurt in his eyes takes me by surprise.

"Angel, just tell me. You're worrying me now." I say.

He nods. "Buffy, I need you to listen. Don't say anything until I'm finished. This is hard and it will only make it harder if I have to stop and start."

Oh God, I nod and take unnecessary gulps of air. I draw my hands up into fists and wrap my arms around myself.

"We were in my office talking, and the Mohra demon attacked. Only I didn't kill it right away, the first time. I only hurt it. It jumped back through the window and ran away." He pauses, gathering his words.

No. I want to say. That's not right. He jumped through the window, you smashed that shiny jewel. He died and I left. I was there five minutes, ten tops. I bite my lip to keep from saying anything.

"We went after it, through the sewers. You went up into the daylight to see if you could track it. I stayed in the sewers. He found me. I got cut on the hand." He looks down at the palm of his right hand like its somehow confusing. "I fought him and killed him. Some of his blood got on my hand, mixed with my blood. A Mohra demon's blood is regenerative. It-I ended up alive. I had a heart beat, I had to breathe. I walked out in the sunlight." He stops again; his back is turned to me.

No, no, no, no, no, NO! I want to scream. You couldn't, I would have remembered. I put one hand down on the bed to steady myself. The room feels like its spinning. God I can't pass out. I have to hear the rest of this. I feel sick. Can vampires throw up, I wonder briefly.

"I-I had Doyle take me to see the Oracles. I had to speak to the powers. I had to find out what it meant. If I was human-if I was human and it was real, it meant-"

He didn't have to finish. I know what it would have meant and it brings tears to my eyes. Even now I dream of Angel and me together under the sunlight with fat babies crawling across the grass. I dream of growing old with him and sitting on the porch in rockers watching the sunset. Tears spill down my cheeks.

"The Oracles said it was real. If had happened it was meant to be. Doyle, Doyle asked me what I wanted." His voice was just a whisper now.

"You wanted me." I said.

He nodded. "You remember?"

I shake my head. "I just know, its what I would want."

"I wanted you. You are what I have always wanted. You were walking on the pier, down by the beach. Buffy, you felt me, even when I was human you felt me inside. Neither of us said anything, I kissed you in the sunlight. I have dreamed of doing that since the day I first saw you. We walked on the beach. We went back to my apartment. I was so stupid. I wanted to wait. I wanted to make sure it was right; there were no loopholes, no clauses. I wasted time, time I could have spent in your arms. You were going to leave, remove the temptation. You touched my hand. That's all it took, one innocent touch." His voice is thick with tears. He looks toward the curtained window, almost lost in thought.

"We wanted each other. We couldn't help it. It consumes us." I say. My tears are flowing freely. I have only dreamed of days like this.

Angel nods. "We made love. We ate ice cream and chocolate and crunchy peanut butter. You fell asleep on my chest, listening to my heartbeat. You said you didn't want to sleep; you wanted to stay awake so this day could keep happening. I promised-"his voice breaks and he takes a deep breath. When he speaks again it is tight and pained. "I promised we'd make another one just like it tomorrow."

There aren't words to describe how I feel. Empty, hurt, mind numbing pain, confused, rage. Maybe Angel didn't want to spend a human lifetime with me. Maybe the day wasn't perfect and beautiful, like it sounds. Maybe the humanity wasn't real. I want to scream at him. I want to call him a liar, but something in me resonates truth at the story. Somehow, someway I know what he is saying happened. I just can't remember it.

"Doyle had another vision. It was of the Mohra demon. They have the ability to regenerate themselves as well as others. This guy was bigger, stronger and mad. Doyle wanted me to wake you up. He wanted to take you with us. I couldn't. You were sleeping. You never sleep, Buffy, at least not peacefully. You had this beautiful dream smile on your face. I couldn't wake you. I couldn't take you out of that dream world and put you back into a nightmare. Doyle and I went alone." He continues to pace the room, refusing to look at me.

"It was strong. I was just human. I never realized, I didn't remember, it hurting so much. It was going to kill me. You showed up. We figured out how to kill it and you smashed the jewel. Before it died it said there was great darkness coming. For every one of them we killed, ten more would be sent. We came back. We made love, you slept and I thought, a lot."

No, my brain screamed. My heart broke. I knew, only I didn't. But I knew that whatever he had done, the reason he wasn't human and the reason I didn't remember was something noble and heroic. It was something he did for me. I pull my knees into my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I don't want to hear anymore, but I have to.

"I went to the Oracles again." Angel continues. "I told them what Mohra had said. I asked what would happen to the Slayer when this darkness came. The Oracle replied that you would die, sooner then other mortals."

"I'm the Slayer, can you say a great big Duh?" I snap before I can stop myself. I want to slap him. I want to pummel him until he has some common sense.

He looks to me and the pain in his eyes takes my unnecessary breath away. "I couldn't help you that way. You would die and I wouldn't be able to do anything except stand by and watch. They swallowed the day, like it never happened. Twenty four hours from the time Mohra appeared, they took back. Only I would remember so I could prevent it from happening again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, Buffy. The only thing harder was watching you die and knowing I could do something to save you. I came back and told you. We cried and kissed and held onto each other like we could stop it with our sheer desperation. We couldn't, we didn't. The day was taken back, and you remember the rest." He is fighting tears. I stopped fighting them a long time ago.

"I wouldn't forget that, Angel." I whisper.

"You did. It never happened." He says.

"But I dreamed it. I dreamed it before it happened, I dreamed it after it happened. I've dreamed billions and billions of times that you would become human." I argue.

"Buffy, not all your dreams are prophecy."

"I died anyway, or I would have, if you hadn't-" I say.

He nods. "One day short of 18 months after I gave up my humanity for your life, you jumped from that tower. I don't know if the dreams I had about it were from the Oracles, an apology of sorts, but that's the only way I knew you were going to die. That's the only reason I was there." He sits on the edge of the bed. "Buffy, I'm sorry. You weren't ever supposed to know."

I look up at him, tears cloud my vision. "And that makes it ok? You took away the most beautiful memory from me and sorry is supposed to make it ok? Do you know how many nights I could have lain in bed and cherished those memories? All of them, Angel! All of those horrible nights that I missed you so much it hurt, I could have at least had those memories."

"And do you know how much they hurt? Do you have any idea how hard it is to know what you could have had? I have lain awake all those horrible nights and cherished those memories and doubted my actions and known that there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I wouldn't give up those memories for anything in the entire world, but they hurt, Buffy. They hurt." He reaches out a hand to touch me and I shrink away, drawing more into myself.

He stands up. "I'm sorry, Buffy." He walks slowly out of the room, shutting the door behind him.