Chapter 38-Loss

-Buffy-

I sit in our room surrounded by darkness and memories, or rather things I wish I could remember. When Angel left me I replayed every moment we shared together like movies in my mind, over and over. What would it have been like to have human Angel memories to play over? Would it have hurt as much as Angel said it did? As long as I've known him his skin has always been cool to touch, his chest silent to listen to. I always loved it when I made him gasp or draw in a breath, because he didn't need to. But I've always dreamed of him turning human some how, some way. I always dreamed of being a normal girl who could take her normal boyfriend to football games and to the beach. I've always dreamed of that normal boyfriend being Angel.

The only memories I had then of us making love were made the night of my seventeenth birthday, the night we unknowingly released Angelus. So much of that memory is fuzzy because of the pain that followed it. What would it have been like to have memories, clear memories of Angel and me making love? I don't think I would have gotten as serious with Riley, and broke his heart quite so badly, if I had known and realized how much Angel and I still loved each other, if I had had those things to hold onto.

And that might have been a mistake. I'm sorry Riley got his heart broken. It was never anything I wanted to happen. Riley taught me a lot of things about a relationship, and about myself. He taught me that sex doesn't make a lasting relationship. He taught me that I won't ever be normal, no matter what happens. He also taught me that I can't settle for in a relationship. If it's not all consuming passion, written in the stars, mythical kind of soul mate love, it's not enough. Without Riley, I may never have figured these things out.

I know Angel took those memories away from me because he was afraid I would hurt too much over them. He was also afraid I wouldn't let myself get over what we almost had. He's probably right. That doesn't make it any easier that he took those memories from me. There's a short knock on the door. Angel slips in. He doesn't look at me. He sits a container of blood on the nightstand.

"You need to eat. You're not completely healed yet. That's some of the human blood Wes had delivered earlier." He says quietly and turns to go.

"Angel, wait." He took the memories away from me. He's the only one that does remember and he's the only one that can give them back to me. He stops and looks at me with his puppy eyes. "Tell me about eating ice cream and chocolate and peanut butter, please. "

*

I've researched until I think my brain is going to fall out. I have to give it to Giles, Willow, Wesley, Tara and Fred though, they never stop, and they never give up hope. They just keep reading books, trying to figure out what this Oracle wants and how to stop her.

I'm sitting on that funky round couch in the lobby, contemplating making out with Angel, when the phone rings. Willow picks it up, as she's nearest to it.

"Angel Investigations," The red head cradles the phone between her ear and shoulder. Her brow is furrowed as she attempts to muddle out something in one of Wes' dusty old books. "Uh huh, just a sec." She holds the phone out. "Angel, it's the hospital."

I know what's happened by the expression on his face. He nods and hangs up the phone. He crosses the lobby to the closet and takes his duster out. "We've got to go to the hospital. Buffy and I can hide under a blanket in the back seat. Cordy died."

A silence goes over the hotel, almost like everyone stopped breathing for a moment. I swear I had to strain to hear heartbeats. Then there's a strangled noise. I think it comes from Fred. Wes is by her side. He takes her in his arms. Xander looks to Willow. He's shocked, completely shocked numb by the news. Willow crosses over to him and takes his hands in hers. I grab one of Angel's dusters out of the closet and put it on over my own clothes. I link my fingers with his and look up into chocolate brown eyes that express the pain he is feeling so well.

Angel and I huddle together under a heavy blanket the entire way to the hospital. He doesn't say anything. I know he is taking comfort from me though in the way he holds me, the way he keeps taking deep breaths of me. I comfort him the only way I know how. I touch him, I kiss him, and I whisper I love you. He just closes his eyes and soaks it all in.
Wes parks the car in the parking garage and we take the elevator up to Cordy's floor. Wes approaches the nurse's station. "We're here to speak about Cordelia Chase." He says. His British accent hides a lot of his pain. It also seems to get attention. The nurse disappears and comes back with a doctor in a white coat. Wes leads him over to our rather expansive group. Most of us have met him at one point or another since Cordy has been here.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this terrible news. It's never an easy job, but Miss Chase died from a massive brain hemorrhage. We don't have any idea what caused it, much like we still don't know what caused the coma."

We know what caused the coma and the hemorrhage, the visions. Cordy has had two that we know of since she was in the coma; the last one had to have been a major one. Wes takes care of the paperwork and the nurse leads us into Cordy's room. It's a shock. She's lying on the bed, her hands folded across her stomach. Someone has carefully arranged her hair. I swallow hard. I've seen a lot of bodies. I've even seen the bodies of people I know. Very rarely have I seen the body of someone I regarded as a friend. Cordy and I may have had our differences over the years, but she was a friend. More importantly she was Angel's best friend. I squeeze his hand. He drifts over to the bedside. I catch him as he stumbles to his knees. He puts his elbows on the bed and buries his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Cordy. I'm sorry we couldn't figure this out earlier. I'm so sorry Cordy. I'm going to miss you so much." He says.

Tears spring to my eyes and tighten my throat. It's hard to see him like this. I hate being helpless. I hate not knowing what to do or say. I hate that there is nothing I can do to make this better.

Angel takes Cordy's hand in his. He presses it tightly between his hands. He lowers his head and whispers the Lord's Prayer. After a moment he places her hand back across her stomach and stands. His eyes glisten with unshed tears. He takes my hand in his and leads me out of the room. We stand outside while Xander, Gunn, Wes, Willow and Giles all say their goodbyes. I catch each of them in a hug as they come out of the room. We stand in a little group, lending comfort to each other in various ways.

When we finally return to the hotel, Wes disappears to call Cordy's parents. She wasn't close to them but they will want to know their only daughter is dead. Willow, Xander, Gunn, and Fred gather in the lobby to talk, cry, laugh and comfort each other. Angel is silent throughout everyone's stories and reminiscing. He listens for an hour or so then he takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs. We make love and it's slow, sweet and achingly tender. It's comforting and healing. Angel curls around me when we're done and finally cries all those unshed tears.