Chapter 43-Careful What You Wish For

-Buffy-

Wes told me about shoeshine. The vampire with a soul will live to die. I guess that didn't include all vampires with souls. I mean there was only supposed to be one, right? In any case, no human joy for Buffy, which is good I guess, I mean the doctor said I would have died if I had been human, even with my slayer healing.

Angel human, how many times did I dream that? Zillions upon billions of times might come close, maybe. I'm happy for him, at least part of me is. He will get to do all the things he's wanted to do for literally hundreds of years. He can walk in the sun; he can watch the sun rise. He can have picnics in the park. He'll be able to eat chocolate and ice cream and really taste it. He can have children. God, Angel would have beautiful children. All things I can't do. The other part of me is screaming. He was supposed to spend a literal forever with me. He promised never to leave me alone. I'm being selfish, I know but I can't help it. Maybe if I had had some warning but I didn't Angel never told me about soulshine.

I mean really, look at it from my point of view. The first time I hear of the shushi is after I've woken up in the hospital to find Angel has a heart beat and body temperature. I've been sitting by his bed since I woke up just looking at him. He looks vulnerable and younger somehow. I crawl into the bed with him and curl my body up against his. The nurse will be in here to yell at me soon I'm sure but I don't care.
It feels odd, and very un-Angel-y. He's warm to the touch. The sound of his even breathing and the rush of his blood are like a lullaby. I can feel my cool skin absorbing the heat from his body. This must be what he felt like all those years with me. It's kind of nice too, like my own little electric blanket, only much sexier. Ok, whoa Buffy, no thinking about Angel and sex when he's in the condition he's in. I snuggle against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Tears flood my eyes.

Thump-thump thump-thump

God, that's a wonderful sound. I would have given up anything in the world to hear that sound a year ago, when I was still human. I lay there curled in his arms, listening to the thud of a heart I thought I'd never hear beat and I cry for all the things I wanted and never got and for all the things we'll never have.

-Angel-

They are finally letting me out of the hospital. I've been here for a week. Apparently human healing takes awhile. I had forgotten. I'm still sore. I have 15 stitches pulling together a deep gash on my collarbone, 10 stitches on my upper arm and 6 on my forehead. I haven't looked at my reflection yet because I'm really not sure I want to see myself looking like this.

Wes comes to pick me up. I stare up at the bright sun with squinting eyes. I blink. I know I'm standing in the middle of the hospital parking lot but I can't make myself move. I haven't been out in the daylight since the Day that Wasn't and really I was more concerned then with getting to my apartment with Buffy then I was with the sun.

"Angel, come on. I've left the top on the car down. You can stare at the sun the entire way home." Wes says with a chuckle.

I sit down in the passenger seat and lean my head back. I close my eyes and relish the feel of the sun on my face. The warmth is a novel, wonderful feeling. Moonlight is never warm, no matter how warm the night is. How many dreams have I had of being in the sun like this? Hundreds of thousands, the only problem with this scenario, those dreams always included me out in the sun with Buffy. I choke back sudden tears. From this point on, I've only got 60 years or so to spend with her. It sounds like a lot, to a human. Just last week I was dreaming about all the ways I'd spend forever with her. 60 years doesn't sound like very long in comparison does it?

"Wes, the shanshu prophecy, it doesn't mention anything about this being more then a one shot deal, does it?" I ask.

Wes is quiet for a moment. I don't think he's going to answer me at first. "No, Angel. It seems to be pretty clear about being for the one vampire with a soul."

"She's got one too, Wes, and that's my fault."

"Angel, you couldn't have known at the time that you would receive your Shanshu this early. There was no time indication on the prophecy. We couldn't even be sure the prophecy would come to pass." Wes says.

I know all this. We've been over it a dozen times. It was the reason I never told Buffy about shanshu before. There was no way to know if would happen during her lifetime. I hadn't wanted her to spend her life waiting for something that might never happen.

Wes pulls the car up to the front door of the hotel and my first sunlit drive is entirely too short. My first thought is I'll take Buffy out driving tomorrow, but I can't. Now she's the one that will burst into flame.
Fred and Gunn rush out to the courtyard to greet me.

"Man, you are one really white boy." Gunn says.

I chuckle. "250 years of no sun will do that to you, plus the being dead." I glance up. I can still feel her deep inside. It's the same whispery tingly heart -beating –too- fast feeling. She's standing in the shadows of the arbor. I walk to her and wrap my arms around her. She still feels like home. I take a deep breath of her. I can still smell vanilla and sunshine, but it doesn't overwhelm all my senses. I miss that.

"I missed you, Baby." I whisper.

She tilts her head up to me and cups my cheek with her hand, cold little hands. Her eyes fill with tears. "I missed you. The bed was so empty."

I touch my lips to hers. She still makes the entire world disappear with just a touch. "Then let's go make it not so empty."

*

I wake up with a yawn and a stretch. Everything is still sore. I open my eyes. The room is dark, of course it's dark. I feel like I'm half blind. I can't see anything. Slowly my very human eyes adjust and I can see Buffy standing next to the window, looking out into the night sky. She's wearing the shirt that she took off of me just a few hours ago. I pull on a pair of sweatpants and walk over to her. I wrap my arms around her and pull her back into my chest. I kiss the curve of her neck. She's crying. I don't say anything. I don't have to ask what's wrong. I know what's wrong and there's nothing I can do or say to make things better. Fate has taken another opportunity to screw with us.

I hold her and let her cry for a long time. Finally she looks up at me and the look in her eyes breaks my newly beating heart, which by the way doesn't hurt anymore then when she broke my un-beating heart.

"I'm sorry, Angel. I'm happy for you really. I want to watch you walk in the sun. I want to see you eat ice cream and chocolate. I want to fall asleep listening to your heart beat and your blood rush. I don't mean to poo poo on your being human."

How can I tell her that the reason I wanted to be human never had anything to do with sunlight or food or a beating heart. The only reason I ever wanted to be human was for her. I guess this is the epitome of be careful what you wish for.