Chapter 45-Separate Lives

-Buffy-

I stand on Giles' doorstep. It's raining, a real downpour not one of those light drizzles. I take a deep breath and knock. He answers the door after only a moment. He's drinking scotch, but not too much. I collapse in his arms with great heaving sobs.

"Buffy, oh dear." He says and pats my back. I know Giles isn't comfortable with me sobbing in his arms like this. There wasn't anywhere else I wanted to go though. This would typically be Willow territory. After I've cried myself out, Giles sits me on the couch. He goes to the kitchen to make tea, leaving me with a box of Kleenex to collect myself. When he comes back with a tray I'm still sniffling and dripping but I have a little bit of control.

"Now tell me, what's happened?" he says sitting next to me on the couch. At least he's not afraid I'm going to burst into tears and drip all over him again.

I feel my control start to crumble and I take a deep breath. "I left Angel."

Giles clucks softly to himself and hands me a cup of tea. "I was afraid of that."

"He stays in the dark, sticks to the shadows, won't go to the beach because I can't go with him. I don't want him to waste his life like that. He wanted to be human for so long. He needs to take advantage of it." I say.

"Yes, well, I dare say he left you for the same reasons after the battle with the mayor." Giles says.

"I know. I get that now. It still hurts so much. I don't know how he survived it. Giles, I didn't know a heart that doesn't beat could break like this." I'm sobbing again.

Giles lets me cry on his shoulder. "My dear, dear girl." He says over and over again. He doesn't tell me it's going to be okay, because he knows it's not. For the first time since Angel turned me, I am truly a dead thing.

*

I move back to the mansion on Crawford Street. I know Angel owns it, but it's the only place I can think of to live. It's already fixed up with the heavy black drapes. It's got plenty of space. Most of all, it reminds me of Angel and it's filled with memories of us. Dawn, Xander and Anya live in the house on Revello. Eventually, Dawn may move in with me. It really all depends on her. I'm not going to demand that anything that needs sunlight live in the dark with me. I haunt the rooms in the mansion more then I actually live in them. I read Angel's books; I watch that huge TV and all the silly horror movies I bought. I buy a lot of romantic comedies to watch too, but only the ones with happy endings. You know the ones that lie to you and tell you love conquers all. It doesn't. Angel and I are living proof of that. The only time I feel alive is when I'm slaying. I live and I see my friends but I don't even try to keep up an illusion of happiness or doing okay. I did that after Angel left me. It's too hard and really there's no point. Giles, Xander and Dawnie all know that I'm hurting, that I will never stop hurting.

Xander, Anya and Dawn spend a lot of time at the mansion with me, watching movies and eating pizza. I don't eat anymore. At one time it made me feel like part of the group. I'm not part of the group anymore. I'm a vampire, on the outside looking in, watching short, brief lives flicker and flit by.

It's funny. I'm not mad at Angel or bitter. I don't rage at him for turning me. I had a year and four months with him. We played house, we made love. I wouldn't have had that time if he had let me die when I jumped into that portal. So no, I don't hold that against him. It's not like he would have turned human in my lifetime anyway. Fate likes to laugh at us for some reason.

I glance down at the book I'm reading. It's Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare. God I wish we had it so easy. I wish Angel and my biggest problem was that our families didn't get along. Hell we had that problem. I mean you think Mom liked it that I'm in love with a 250 year old vampire? You think Giles was happy to see me dating the demon that killed his lover. Only I couldn't die over Angel and he wasn't allowed to die for me. Our lives don't belong to us, they never have. We're champions of light, so we have to go on hurting and breaking apart inside. "Never was there a tale of more woe," I whisper as I return the book to its shelf. Angel would be so surprised at me quoting Shakespeare. But it's not like the latest harlequin romance makes good brooding material.

I light a fire in the fireplace and lean back against the stone. I let the warmth from the fire soak into my body. How many times have I seen Angel sit in this very position? I sigh. I don't cry anymore though, I'm tired of crying. I've cried an ocean since I left Angel. Besides, I don't need the red swollen eyes or sniffly red nose. Dawn is coming over after school. We're going to the movies with Xander and Anya later. Life goes on, and I guess I do too.

-Angel-

She left me so I could go out in the sunlight. How familiar does that sound? I've found out through past experience, all your old sins come back on you. Gunn, Fred and Wes refuse to let me brood. Wes insists that if I must brood, I do it outside in the courtyard in the brilliant sun. So I sit there and draw sketches of Buffy. Buffy in bed, Buffy asleep, Buffy with clothes on, Buffy naked, Buffy in the sunshine, Buffy in the shadows, Buffy in vamp face, Buffy in human face, you get the picture.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to live without her. Why would the Powers do this? We were happy together. For the first time in my existence living forever didn't seem like a prison sentence. Maybe it's just another way of inflicting suffering for them. Only this time, I'm not condemned to suffer for eternity.

Wes walks out to the courtyard and sits down on my bench. I barely look up from my sketch. I know this speech. We've had it before. Wes thinks if he uses different phrasing or says it often enough, it will make an impact.

"Angel, she didn't want this when she left you. She wanted you to have a life she couldn't give you." He starts.

"I know that, Wes. I don't want a life she can't give me." My voice is tight, my words are compact. I'm nearing the end of my patience with this speech.

"You left her once so that she could have a normal life. She's being selfless and doing the same for you." Wes says.

"I was wrong. If she hurt this much, it was wrong to leave." I argue.

"Angel, the Powers rewarded you-"

"The Powers cursed me. They were jealous. People aren't supposed to be as happy in this realm as Buffy and I were. People aren't supposed to love that much. They were jealous and they knew she'd never stay under the circumstances." I spat at him. My temper is rising steadily.

Wes bows his head. He starts to say something and then stops. He only nods and gets up and walks back in the hotel.

*

I've talked to Giles. I know she's living in the mansion. I know she's miserable but she's doing okay. Giles says she's doing a remarkable job with the slaying and he assures me she's not being sloppy. She's not trying to get herself staked. So I'm left with indecision. I don't want to go to Sunnydale and turn everything upside down for her. I don't want to hear her tell me to leave. I don't want to hear her say words I said to her.

-"I want my life to be with you"-

-"I don't."-

So I stay here in LA. I help the hopeless. I take daytime cases now because I can. I still keep vampire hours, for the most part. I rarely leave the hotel unless it's related to work. I've become even more of recluse then I was while I was a vampire, if that's possible. I chastise myself for this on a regular basis. Buffy at least tried to go out and do the things I wanted her to do. She tried to have the life I wanted for her. It just didn't work. Our lives apart don't work any better then our lives together it seems.

I glance down at the pile of bills in front of me. In that stack, somewhere is the phone, electric and water bill for the mansion. It's the only way I can take care of her now, the only way she'll let me. I intend to keep on doing it. I pick up the phone. I want to call her. I want to hear her voice. I want to beg her to come back to me. I dial Giles' number instead.

"Giles, its Angel. I'm just calling to check on her." I say by way of greeting.

"She is- she's alright. There's been no change. I don't expect there will be." Giles says. I can see him taking his glasses off and cleaning them.

I sigh. "I'm thinking about coming up there."

There's a long pause. I can hear the clink of glass. "Angel, I don't think that would be a good idea. It would open wounds that are just beginning to heal. If she were to change her mind, I'm certain you would be the first to know. She's convinced this is the right thing to do. She loves you. She wants you to enjoy all that humanity entails. The best thing you can do is to honor her wishes."

I nod and thank him and hang up the phone. There's got to be a way around this. There's got to be a way I can at least see her, be a part of her life. I remember a time I asked this same question, not long before I left Sunnydale.

-"There's gotta be some way we can still see each other."-

-"There is. Tell me that you don't love me."-

I couldn't then. Could I now? If it meant I could be a part of her life, I don't know. I know if I could somehow manage to choke the words out, they would be a lie. And even if Buffy believed me, at first, she'd see through the lie eventually. I can't be near her and not touch her, not hold her, not kiss her. That last year in Sunnydale proved that. There's got to be a way to fix this, some way to make her see reason, some one I can talk to.

You know that phrase "It hit me like a ton of bricks," well it did. Not only have human senses left me half blind and half deaf, apparently they left me half brain dead too. I pick up the phone and call Lorne.

"Lorne, its Angel. I need a favor."

"Anything for you Honey buns." Lorne croons.

I refrain from grumbling. I don't know why Lorne insists on calling me pastries. "I need to talk to the Powers. I know the Oracles are dead but there's got to be someone who can help."

"Angel, sweetie, I know you were a warrior for the Powers, but that's over. They just don't see humans. "Lorne says.

"Do I sound like I care whether they want to see me or not?" I snap.

"Ok, okay, don't get your knickers in a twist. That causes strokes you know. I'll see what I can do."

At this point, I don't care if they turn me back into a vampire or not, I just want my life to be with Buffy.