Cordelia let herself into her apartment and silently thanked herself for
leaving the heat on that morning. It wasn't that it was cold outside; it
was more like she was cold. It had been a rough day, especially at this
time.
First off Angel had gotten back from seeing Buffy. Not a good thing in itself but, hey, she thought. It could have been worse; he could have turned into Angelus again. So he'd come back all broody and then gone out with Fred! Of all people, Crazy Taco Lady!
Why'd he have to go with her? He always turns to me.
She blocked the thought out of her head and shed her coat, hanging it on the peg next to the door.
Then Fred and Angel had gone their separate ways in the sewer and Fred had never come back. But then her parents had turned up. She sighed, they were real nice. Of course Angel had gotten into a fight and Fred had come back unhurt, so why did she feel like she did? Alone, lonely, rejected?
She saw the bathroom light flick on and smiled. "Thanks Dennis, a bath would be great."
She heard the sound of a bath being drawn.
She kicked off her boots and stretched her toes. Heels weren't really a good move when she was going to spend the day running around LA and then fighting a Durslar Beast. Of course, she didn't really do much fighting, but she did help. She threw a few weapons around, that counted as helping.
She heard the taps being turned off so she made her way into the bathroom. "Thanks Dennis, you're the best."
She slipped off her clothes and felt Dennis moving around behind her, picking them up as she climbed into the tub.
She sighed as the water covered her cold skin. "This is heaven."
Mr and Mrs Burkle had been so nice. She hated to think it but they were the parents she'd never had. Fred was so lucky. She remembered back when she got her first boyfriend, Don Elliot, he'd been three years older than she was, eighteen or nineteen. She'd deliberately gone out with him to get a reaction from her Dad. When she told him he'd just nodded and wished her luck then gone back to him papers. She'd broken up with him the next day.
She'd been twelve when she'd gotten her period. She'd been so excited and ran to tell her mom, but she'd given her a box of tampons and asked the maid to tell her how to use them. Cordelia remembered crying for a week about it. Plus she'd got pretty bad cramps so she felt crappy anyway.
Of course, it hadn't all been bad. Her father hadn't really bothered with her but she and her mom got along. They'd have fun shopping and had girly nights where they'd drink champagne and eat strawberries and watch girly films. That had been fun. They'd never been loving and warm like Fred's parents but they'd cared. That is, until they'd abandoned her.
She missed her mom.
Without realising it, a tear had slipped down her cheek. Dennis floated a tissue in front of her. She accepted it gratefully and wiped her eyes. God, she was so pathetic. How could she be jealous of Fred because she had great parents? She had so much more than Fred, a great apartment, a great wardrobe, a fantastic ghost! What did she have?
Parents.
Cordelia felt tears welling up in her eyes. Seeing Fred with her parents had been so amazing. Her parents had never hugged her or kissed her or told her they loved her.
Sometimes she resented them and how bad they made her feel. Even when they weren't with her. She hadn't even seen them for three, maybe four years. How could they still be making her feel so bad?
She pulled the plug out with her toes and climbed out of the tub. She wrapped herself in her terrycloth robe and inspected her face in the mirror. At least her eyes weren't too red, or puffy. Her mascara had run a little but she was going to take it off later anyway.
She padded through into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She really shouldn't but she hadn't had any yet and one glass couldn't hurt. She took a sip; Angel really knew how to pick a good wine.
Angel.
She wandered into the sitting room and curled up in the arm chair next to the phone. She put the wine on the table and picked up the phone. She quickly dialled the familiar number and waited.
Angel's sleep threatened voice answered.
"Hi, it's me." She told him.
"Cordelia?" He sounded confused. "It's like, four in the morning."
"I know." She sighed. "I couldn't sleep."
She heard the sound of sheets rumpling and she assumed he was sitting up. "So you decided to make sure I couldn't sleep too?"
"Yeah." She admitted sheepishly.
"What's up?" He asked, sensing that there was something wrong. "You sound funny."
"Funny?"
"Quiet, upset." He clarified.
"You know me too well." She admitted and took a sip of her wine. "I don't know, I just got thinking about what happened today."
"Which part?"
"Fred's parents turning up." She told him.
"What about them?" He urged.
She shrugged but then realised he couldn't see her. "I just realised when I saw how much they cared for Fred that..." Her voice trailed off as she started to feel tears rise up within her.
"That what?" He urged again, more softly this time.
"That I'm completely alone." She admitted, and let the tears fall. "I'm all alone, Angel!"
"No you're not." He told her firmly. "You are not alone. You have me and Wes and Gunn. And now Fred."
"But I am alone." She argued, wiping at her tears. "I come home from the hotel every night and I'm all alone. There's Dennis, but there's no-one to talk to. I live off frozen meals and takeaway because there's no point cooking for one person. I just wish that there were someone to care how my day was or to cook me dinner or to ask me how I am."
"You wish you didn't live alone?"
"No, I like living alone, most of the time. But sometimes I just wish that I had someone to care about me." Her voice broke. "I wish my parents cared about me. I have no family to speak of; I don't even know where my Mom and Dad are. They can't care about me because if they did I would have heard from them by now. I don't even know if they know I've left Sunnydale."
"What happened back then?" He asked. "You've never spoke of it."
She took a deep breath. "My father was caught by the FBI for tax evasion and the IRS repossessed our house and all our belongings. It was around the time that Xander cheated on me with Willow so I was in the hospital. I always wondered why they didn't come to see me when I was there but when they released me I went back to my house and they'd left a note on the door saying that they'd left town and that if I wanted I could go and live with my grandma in Tulsa! I mean, come on, Tulsa! Like I would leave Sunnydale a couple of months before graduation. I got a job at April Fool's and I spend the first week at one of my friend's houses, I told her that my parents were away and that I didn't want to stop on my own. When I started to earn a little money I got a room at the Sunnydale Motel and I lived there until I graduated. I bought myself a few clothes and a bus ticket and I left for LA. I'd been there a month when I met you. You could say that you and Doyle saved my life." Her heart ached at the mention of Doyle. "But then we lost him."
He heard her dissolve in sobs. "Cor, it's okay, don't cry. I thought you were okay about all that now."
"I thought I was." She sniffed and took a gulp of her wine. "I guess once I get going I throw a bit of everything in."
"Do you want me to come round?" He asked.
"No, I just wanted to talk to someone."
"You know you'll always have me, don't you?"
"I guess."
"No, you know, you know you will always have me. I will always be there for you, no matter what. You are not alone and as long as I am alive you won't be. You've always got me." He told her earnestly. "Say it to me."
"I've always got you." She whispered. "But have I?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on Angel, we all know that one day you'll Shanshu and you'll go running back to Buffy. Where will I be then? All on my own." She was starting to feel a bit woozy from the wine and mentally calculated that it had been nine hours since she'd eaten. "You'll just leave me."
"No, I won't."
"You will." She argued.
"Cordelia." He warned. "I won't, I promise I won't leave you. You are the most important person in my life. I will never leave you."
"Everyone leaves me. My parents left me, Xander Harris left me, Doyle left me, even my cat ran away when I was eleven. You'll do just the same."
"That's it." He decided. "I'm coming over."
"But..." He put the phone down just as she was staring to protest. "Dennis, could you unlock the door?"
She felt him move past her and knew he'd done as she asked. "Thank you."
It was about fifteen minutes later when she heard the familiar hum of Angel's Plymouth.
He came through the door looking rumpled and tired.
She said nothing as he came and sat down opposite her.
"You look terrible." He told her.
She shrugged.
"How much have you drank?" He asked, pointing to the glass.
"Just this." She answered.
"Where did all this come from? I've never seen you like this before." He took in the pale face, the red-rimmed eyes and the streaked mascara. "I have to admit, I'm worried."
"Don't be, I'm fine."
"Do you do this often?"
"Do what often?"
"Try to make yourself ill from crying." He told her, waiting for an answer.
"Not that often." She said quietly.
"Be honest with me Cordelia, if you're not happy then I'm not happy. Do you feel like this often?"
Slowly she nodded. "But only recently."
"Why only recently? I thought things were getting good?" The confused look on his face made her want to cry again.
"They were."
"What do you mean 'were'?" He frowned.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She told him. "I'm tired and you're tired, you should just go home and go to bed and let me go to bed."
He shook his head. "No."
"What? You're not stopping here and we're not talking anymore." She informed him coldly.
"Your stubbornness isn't going to work this time Cordelia." He warned her. "We are going to talk about this. Is it me?" Her eyes flew to his. "Are you feeling like this because of me? We've been training a lot recently and I thought we were okay. I know the whole Wolfram and Hart vision thing was tough but I thought you knew how much I needed you."
"It isn't you; please believe that it isn't you!" She begged. "Today I saw what it's like to have a family and I realised I missed that." She saw him about to interrupt but she wouldn't let him. "And I know that you are my family, you're the most important person in my life but sometimes I get lonely and I wish I had my Mom and Dad to talk to. I wish I knew where they were and I wish they cared about me and what's happening to me!"
"What is happening to you?" He asked quietly, leaning forward and taking her hand in his.
"Just work and stuff." She replied.
He looked at her for a second and then replied. "You're lying. You just lied to me. Something is going on Cordelia and I am not leaving here until I know what it is!"
"You have no right to say that to me!" She shouted and pulled her hands from his. "You can't demand that I talk to you! If I want to keep things to myself then I will."
"If it affects your work then I have a right to know!" He argued.
"You're not my boss! You screwed that up when you went bad and abandoned us! So don't preach to me about honesty and sharing things. You don't deserve to."
"It's affecting our friendship; don't I deserve to know because of that?"
She shook her head slowly.
He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm only trying to help Cordelia and don't you dare bring Darla into this! I've already apologised for that and I thought you'd forgiven me!"
"Well, maybe I can't forgive some things!" She screamed at him and stood up, tears running down her face. "Maybe I have feelings and maybe I'm hurt and that hurt won't go away. Do you ever think that sometimes I look at you and I see someone who betrays me?"
"Do you?" He stood up with a hurt look on his face.
"Sometimes." She admitted, calming down.
He handed her a tissue. "I'm not going to leave you Cordelia. I'd rather die than hurt you again."
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a stake. He held it out to her. "Take this, if I ever hurt you again, stake me."
She looked at him but didn't take it from him. "I couldn't kill you Angel, you know that."
He put the stake on the arm of her chair. "It's there and you have my word that I won't hurt you again, mainly because I don't want to become a pile of dust but because I would rather be dead than seeing you hurt."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Do you want to tell me what's going on now?"
She sat back down and waited while he'd sat down too. "Not really."
"But you will?"
She nodded slowly.
"If you're in some kind of trouble or you're having a problem with something then telling me will make it better. That's what sharing does." He assured her and took her hands again.
She took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes again. "I made a mistake a couple of months ago."
"Okay, do you need help with something? Help to make it right?"
"It's a bit further along than that." She admitted. "I went out with a man, once. He ended up spending the night. It was a big mistake. I mean, I don't sleep around. After that thing with Wilson and the demon babies I've never really done things... with men... since."
He felt the tension run through her body. "It's okay, it's alright."
She shook her head. "No, it isn't. I started feeling ill about a month ago so I went to my doctor. He did some tests."
Angel felt his body go tense. "You're not sick?"
She shook her head. "I'm pregnant Angel."
His eyes widened and she could tell that she'd shocked him.
"Are you okay?" She asked when he didn't respond.
"You've been drinking." He accused.
"What?"
"You're pregnant and you've been drinking."
She rolled her eyes. "I've known about this for a month and this is the first drink I've had. It was only a glass of wine."
"What are you going to do? Have you decided? Are you going to keep it?"
"I don't know. I haven't decided yet."
"Is this why you've been getting yourself upset?" He asked.
"I guess it could have been due to the hormones but Angel, how can I bring a baby into this world? There are vampires and demons and I'm on my own. I can't look after a baby on my own. I'm not even sure I could look after a baby if I had people around me."
"You do have people around you and if you do decide to keep it then they will help you. I will help you." He promised.
"Why are you so un-shocked about this? Why are you so calm?"
"Years of practice." He smiled gently. "I am shocked and I'm not very calm but I'm hiding it well."
"Are you disappointed in me?"
"What for?"
"For sleeping with a man who I don't know and getting myself knocked up." She said bitterly.
"Don't talk about it like that." He urged. "Having a baby is a wonderful thing, don't say knocked up. It implies violence and... There wasn't violence?"
She shook her head. "No, no violence."
"Sometimes we all need something to take away the cold." He said, remembering his sordid night with Darla. "You just have a consequence of it."
"Some consequence." She muttered. "Morning sickness, aching back, great consequence."
He smiled at her. "It'll be okay, I'm here for you."
"You're freaked." She told him, knowing him too well.
"Well, I'm a bit taken aback. When I came over here tonight I was expecting... actually I don't know what I was expecting." He admitted.
"I'm so scared Angel." She confided. "I keep thinking that I'll turn out like my mom if I decide to keep it. I'll just run off and desert it when something turns up. I know how bad I felt when I was abandoned; I'd hate to treat my baby like that."
"Why do you think you'd act like your mom?"
She shrugged. "Maybe because I'm like her. I'm just the same. I look down on people, I'm snippy, I can be a complete bitch sometimes and..."
"That isn't you Cordelia, you are not like that." He thought for a second. "Not anymore, anyway."
She smiled.
"You're caring and loving and the heart of Angel Investigations." He smiled back at her. "You'd be a great mother.
"Oh yeah? I dropped my doll on its head when I was four. I trapped my dog's paw in the library door when I was ten. I'd kill my baby!" She announced, throwing her hands up in the air.
"No, you wouldn't." He insisted. "And the only thing wrong with what you just told me is that you used to have a library."
She looked at him for a moment and then laughed. "I get that."
He leaned forward and kissed her side of her head. "Are you okay now? Maybe you should get some sleep." He suggested.
She rolled her eyes and then wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Now you're going to turn into Mr Protective Guy? I can look after myself Angel; I've been doing it for a long time." She told him kindly. "But thanks."
"Well, if you don't need looking after then maybe you could take a few suggestions."
"Like what? Going to bed?"
He nodded and smiled.
"Okay, but you have to get some sleep too. I woke you up after all." She reminded him.
He looked out of her window. "I'd better go, it'll be light out soon."
"You could stop here." She suggested. "I mean, we wouldn't want you bursting into flames."
He smiled slightly. "Okay."
"I hope you don't hog the covers." She told him lightly and stood up.
"I don't." He assured her and followed her into the bedroom. "Are you sure you're comfortable with this?"
She turned and nodded. "Yeah, I don't really want to be alone right now."
"No, I mean, I could stay on the couch."
"No, it's okay." She assured him, smiling slightly.
She pulled back the covers and then stepped away from the bed. "I need to change, I won't be a minute."
She grabbed a pair of pyjama bottoms and a vest from the chair and made her way to the bathroom to change.
When she went back into the bedroom Angel was sat on the side of the bed still fully clothed but he'd slipped his shoes and socks off.
Cordelia walked around the bed and slipped under the covers. "Make yourself comfortable."
She waited while he'd shed his shirt and pants and gotten into bed before she turned off the light.
They lay in awkward silence for what seemed like hours until Cordelia broke it by speaking. "Thank you for being here tonight."
His hand sought hers in the darkness. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."
She turned on her side, her hand still in his, so she could see his face in the dark. "Sometimes I get so lonely, I got home tonight and I felt it. I hate it."
"We all feel lonely sometimes." He assured her. "Even when we're surrounded by people."
"I suppose I should feel glad I'm not the only one." She replied grumpily. "I need to ask you something."
He squeezed her hand. "Go ahead."
"I need to know you'll be there for me." She told him, her voice soft.
"How?"
"If I decide to have a termination. I need to know you'll be there for me. I don't want to go through it on my own. I need you with me."
"You want me to go with you or support you?" He asked.
"Both." She admitted.
"Of course."
"And if I keep it would you help me?"
"You know I would." He squeezed her hand again.
"I really needed to know that." She murmured.
He leaned his head towards her and kissed her temple. "Goodnight Cordelia."
There was no response.
First off Angel had gotten back from seeing Buffy. Not a good thing in itself but, hey, she thought. It could have been worse; he could have turned into Angelus again. So he'd come back all broody and then gone out with Fred! Of all people, Crazy Taco Lady!
Why'd he have to go with her? He always turns to me.
She blocked the thought out of her head and shed her coat, hanging it on the peg next to the door.
Then Fred and Angel had gone their separate ways in the sewer and Fred had never come back. But then her parents had turned up. She sighed, they were real nice. Of course Angel had gotten into a fight and Fred had come back unhurt, so why did she feel like she did? Alone, lonely, rejected?
She saw the bathroom light flick on and smiled. "Thanks Dennis, a bath would be great."
She heard the sound of a bath being drawn.
She kicked off her boots and stretched her toes. Heels weren't really a good move when she was going to spend the day running around LA and then fighting a Durslar Beast. Of course, she didn't really do much fighting, but she did help. She threw a few weapons around, that counted as helping.
She heard the taps being turned off so she made her way into the bathroom. "Thanks Dennis, you're the best."
She slipped off her clothes and felt Dennis moving around behind her, picking them up as she climbed into the tub.
She sighed as the water covered her cold skin. "This is heaven."
Mr and Mrs Burkle had been so nice. She hated to think it but they were the parents she'd never had. Fred was so lucky. She remembered back when she got her first boyfriend, Don Elliot, he'd been three years older than she was, eighteen or nineteen. She'd deliberately gone out with him to get a reaction from her Dad. When she told him he'd just nodded and wished her luck then gone back to him papers. She'd broken up with him the next day.
She'd been twelve when she'd gotten her period. She'd been so excited and ran to tell her mom, but she'd given her a box of tampons and asked the maid to tell her how to use them. Cordelia remembered crying for a week about it. Plus she'd got pretty bad cramps so she felt crappy anyway.
Of course, it hadn't all been bad. Her father hadn't really bothered with her but she and her mom got along. They'd have fun shopping and had girly nights where they'd drink champagne and eat strawberries and watch girly films. That had been fun. They'd never been loving and warm like Fred's parents but they'd cared. That is, until they'd abandoned her.
She missed her mom.
Without realising it, a tear had slipped down her cheek. Dennis floated a tissue in front of her. She accepted it gratefully and wiped her eyes. God, she was so pathetic. How could she be jealous of Fred because she had great parents? She had so much more than Fred, a great apartment, a great wardrobe, a fantastic ghost! What did she have?
Parents.
Cordelia felt tears welling up in her eyes. Seeing Fred with her parents had been so amazing. Her parents had never hugged her or kissed her or told her they loved her.
Sometimes she resented them and how bad they made her feel. Even when they weren't with her. She hadn't even seen them for three, maybe four years. How could they still be making her feel so bad?
She pulled the plug out with her toes and climbed out of the tub. She wrapped herself in her terrycloth robe and inspected her face in the mirror. At least her eyes weren't too red, or puffy. Her mascara had run a little but she was going to take it off later anyway.
She padded through into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She really shouldn't but she hadn't had any yet and one glass couldn't hurt. She took a sip; Angel really knew how to pick a good wine.
Angel.
She wandered into the sitting room and curled up in the arm chair next to the phone. She put the wine on the table and picked up the phone. She quickly dialled the familiar number and waited.
Angel's sleep threatened voice answered.
"Hi, it's me." She told him.
"Cordelia?" He sounded confused. "It's like, four in the morning."
"I know." She sighed. "I couldn't sleep."
She heard the sound of sheets rumpling and she assumed he was sitting up. "So you decided to make sure I couldn't sleep too?"
"Yeah." She admitted sheepishly.
"What's up?" He asked, sensing that there was something wrong. "You sound funny."
"Funny?"
"Quiet, upset." He clarified.
"You know me too well." She admitted and took a sip of her wine. "I don't know, I just got thinking about what happened today."
"Which part?"
"Fred's parents turning up." She told him.
"What about them?" He urged.
She shrugged but then realised he couldn't see her. "I just realised when I saw how much they cared for Fred that..." Her voice trailed off as she started to feel tears rise up within her.
"That what?" He urged again, more softly this time.
"That I'm completely alone." She admitted, and let the tears fall. "I'm all alone, Angel!"
"No you're not." He told her firmly. "You are not alone. You have me and Wes and Gunn. And now Fred."
"But I am alone." She argued, wiping at her tears. "I come home from the hotel every night and I'm all alone. There's Dennis, but there's no-one to talk to. I live off frozen meals and takeaway because there's no point cooking for one person. I just wish that there were someone to care how my day was or to cook me dinner or to ask me how I am."
"You wish you didn't live alone?"
"No, I like living alone, most of the time. But sometimes I just wish that I had someone to care about me." Her voice broke. "I wish my parents cared about me. I have no family to speak of; I don't even know where my Mom and Dad are. They can't care about me because if they did I would have heard from them by now. I don't even know if they know I've left Sunnydale."
"What happened back then?" He asked. "You've never spoke of it."
She took a deep breath. "My father was caught by the FBI for tax evasion and the IRS repossessed our house and all our belongings. It was around the time that Xander cheated on me with Willow so I was in the hospital. I always wondered why they didn't come to see me when I was there but when they released me I went back to my house and they'd left a note on the door saying that they'd left town and that if I wanted I could go and live with my grandma in Tulsa! I mean, come on, Tulsa! Like I would leave Sunnydale a couple of months before graduation. I got a job at April Fool's and I spend the first week at one of my friend's houses, I told her that my parents were away and that I didn't want to stop on my own. When I started to earn a little money I got a room at the Sunnydale Motel and I lived there until I graduated. I bought myself a few clothes and a bus ticket and I left for LA. I'd been there a month when I met you. You could say that you and Doyle saved my life." Her heart ached at the mention of Doyle. "But then we lost him."
He heard her dissolve in sobs. "Cor, it's okay, don't cry. I thought you were okay about all that now."
"I thought I was." She sniffed and took a gulp of her wine. "I guess once I get going I throw a bit of everything in."
"Do you want me to come round?" He asked.
"No, I just wanted to talk to someone."
"You know you'll always have me, don't you?"
"I guess."
"No, you know, you know you will always have me. I will always be there for you, no matter what. You are not alone and as long as I am alive you won't be. You've always got me." He told her earnestly. "Say it to me."
"I've always got you." She whispered. "But have I?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on Angel, we all know that one day you'll Shanshu and you'll go running back to Buffy. Where will I be then? All on my own." She was starting to feel a bit woozy from the wine and mentally calculated that it had been nine hours since she'd eaten. "You'll just leave me."
"No, I won't."
"You will." She argued.
"Cordelia." He warned. "I won't, I promise I won't leave you. You are the most important person in my life. I will never leave you."
"Everyone leaves me. My parents left me, Xander Harris left me, Doyle left me, even my cat ran away when I was eleven. You'll do just the same."
"That's it." He decided. "I'm coming over."
"But..." He put the phone down just as she was staring to protest. "Dennis, could you unlock the door?"
She felt him move past her and knew he'd done as she asked. "Thank you."
It was about fifteen minutes later when she heard the familiar hum of Angel's Plymouth.
He came through the door looking rumpled and tired.
She said nothing as he came and sat down opposite her.
"You look terrible." He told her.
She shrugged.
"How much have you drank?" He asked, pointing to the glass.
"Just this." She answered.
"Where did all this come from? I've never seen you like this before." He took in the pale face, the red-rimmed eyes and the streaked mascara. "I have to admit, I'm worried."
"Don't be, I'm fine."
"Do you do this often?"
"Do what often?"
"Try to make yourself ill from crying." He told her, waiting for an answer.
"Not that often." She said quietly.
"Be honest with me Cordelia, if you're not happy then I'm not happy. Do you feel like this often?"
Slowly she nodded. "But only recently."
"Why only recently? I thought things were getting good?" The confused look on his face made her want to cry again.
"They were."
"What do you mean 'were'?" He frowned.
"I don't want to talk about this anymore." She told him. "I'm tired and you're tired, you should just go home and go to bed and let me go to bed."
He shook his head. "No."
"What? You're not stopping here and we're not talking anymore." She informed him coldly.
"Your stubbornness isn't going to work this time Cordelia." He warned her. "We are going to talk about this. Is it me?" Her eyes flew to his. "Are you feeling like this because of me? We've been training a lot recently and I thought we were okay. I know the whole Wolfram and Hart vision thing was tough but I thought you knew how much I needed you."
"It isn't you; please believe that it isn't you!" She begged. "Today I saw what it's like to have a family and I realised I missed that." She saw him about to interrupt but she wouldn't let him. "And I know that you are my family, you're the most important person in my life but sometimes I get lonely and I wish I had my Mom and Dad to talk to. I wish I knew where they were and I wish they cared about me and what's happening to me!"
"What is happening to you?" He asked quietly, leaning forward and taking her hand in his.
"Just work and stuff." She replied.
He looked at her for a second and then replied. "You're lying. You just lied to me. Something is going on Cordelia and I am not leaving here until I know what it is!"
"You have no right to say that to me!" She shouted and pulled her hands from his. "You can't demand that I talk to you! If I want to keep things to myself then I will."
"If it affects your work then I have a right to know!" He argued.
"You're not my boss! You screwed that up when you went bad and abandoned us! So don't preach to me about honesty and sharing things. You don't deserve to."
"It's affecting our friendship; don't I deserve to know because of that?"
She shook her head slowly.
He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm only trying to help Cordelia and don't you dare bring Darla into this! I've already apologised for that and I thought you'd forgiven me!"
"Well, maybe I can't forgive some things!" She screamed at him and stood up, tears running down her face. "Maybe I have feelings and maybe I'm hurt and that hurt won't go away. Do you ever think that sometimes I look at you and I see someone who betrays me?"
"Do you?" He stood up with a hurt look on his face.
"Sometimes." She admitted, calming down.
He handed her a tissue. "I'm not going to leave you Cordelia. I'd rather die than hurt you again."
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a stake. He held it out to her. "Take this, if I ever hurt you again, stake me."
She looked at him but didn't take it from him. "I couldn't kill you Angel, you know that."
He put the stake on the arm of her chair. "It's there and you have my word that I won't hurt you again, mainly because I don't want to become a pile of dust but because I would rather be dead than seeing you hurt."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Do you want to tell me what's going on now?"
She sat back down and waited while he'd sat down too. "Not really."
"But you will?"
She nodded slowly.
"If you're in some kind of trouble or you're having a problem with something then telling me will make it better. That's what sharing does." He assured her and took her hands again.
She took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes again. "I made a mistake a couple of months ago."
"Okay, do you need help with something? Help to make it right?"
"It's a bit further along than that." She admitted. "I went out with a man, once. He ended up spending the night. It was a big mistake. I mean, I don't sleep around. After that thing with Wilson and the demon babies I've never really done things... with men... since."
He felt the tension run through her body. "It's okay, it's alright."
She shook her head. "No, it isn't. I started feeling ill about a month ago so I went to my doctor. He did some tests."
Angel felt his body go tense. "You're not sick?"
She shook her head. "I'm pregnant Angel."
His eyes widened and she could tell that she'd shocked him.
"Are you okay?" She asked when he didn't respond.
"You've been drinking." He accused.
"What?"
"You're pregnant and you've been drinking."
She rolled her eyes. "I've known about this for a month and this is the first drink I've had. It was only a glass of wine."
"What are you going to do? Have you decided? Are you going to keep it?"
"I don't know. I haven't decided yet."
"Is this why you've been getting yourself upset?" He asked.
"I guess it could have been due to the hormones but Angel, how can I bring a baby into this world? There are vampires and demons and I'm on my own. I can't look after a baby on my own. I'm not even sure I could look after a baby if I had people around me."
"You do have people around you and if you do decide to keep it then they will help you. I will help you." He promised.
"Why are you so un-shocked about this? Why are you so calm?"
"Years of practice." He smiled gently. "I am shocked and I'm not very calm but I'm hiding it well."
"Are you disappointed in me?"
"What for?"
"For sleeping with a man who I don't know and getting myself knocked up." She said bitterly.
"Don't talk about it like that." He urged. "Having a baby is a wonderful thing, don't say knocked up. It implies violence and... There wasn't violence?"
She shook her head. "No, no violence."
"Sometimes we all need something to take away the cold." He said, remembering his sordid night with Darla. "You just have a consequence of it."
"Some consequence." She muttered. "Morning sickness, aching back, great consequence."
He smiled at her. "It'll be okay, I'm here for you."
"You're freaked." She told him, knowing him too well.
"Well, I'm a bit taken aback. When I came over here tonight I was expecting... actually I don't know what I was expecting." He admitted.
"I'm so scared Angel." She confided. "I keep thinking that I'll turn out like my mom if I decide to keep it. I'll just run off and desert it when something turns up. I know how bad I felt when I was abandoned; I'd hate to treat my baby like that."
"Why do you think you'd act like your mom?"
She shrugged. "Maybe because I'm like her. I'm just the same. I look down on people, I'm snippy, I can be a complete bitch sometimes and..."
"That isn't you Cordelia, you are not like that." He thought for a second. "Not anymore, anyway."
She smiled.
"You're caring and loving and the heart of Angel Investigations." He smiled back at her. "You'd be a great mother.
"Oh yeah? I dropped my doll on its head when I was four. I trapped my dog's paw in the library door when I was ten. I'd kill my baby!" She announced, throwing her hands up in the air.
"No, you wouldn't." He insisted. "And the only thing wrong with what you just told me is that you used to have a library."
She looked at him for a moment and then laughed. "I get that."
He leaned forward and kissed her side of her head. "Are you okay now? Maybe you should get some sleep." He suggested.
She rolled her eyes and then wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Now you're going to turn into Mr Protective Guy? I can look after myself Angel; I've been doing it for a long time." She told him kindly. "But thanks."
"Well, if you don't need looking after then maybe you could take a few suggestions."
"Like what? Going to bed?"
He nodded and smiled.
"Okay, but you have to get some sleep too. I woke you up after all." She reminded him.
He looked out of her window. "I'd better go, it'll be light out soon."
"You could stop here." She suggested. "I mean, we wouldn't want you bursting into flames."
He smiled slightly. "Okay."
"I hope you don't hog the covers." She told him lightly and stood up.
"I don't." He assured her and followed her into the bedroom. "Are you sure you're comfortable with this?"
She turned and nodded. "Yeah, I don't really want to be alone right now."
"No, I mean, I could stay on the couch."
"No, it's okay." She assured him, smiling slightly.
She pulled back the covers and then stepped away from the bed. "I need to change, I won't be a minute."
She grabbed a pair of pyjama bottoms and a vest from the chair and made her way to the bathroom to change.
When she went back into the bedroom Angel was sat on the side of the bed still fully clothed but he'd slipped his shoes and socks off.
Cordelia walked around the bed and slipped under the covers. "Make yourself comfortable."
She waited while he'd shed his shirt and pants and gotten into bed before she turned off the light.
They lay in awkward silence for what seemed like hours until Cordelia broke it by speaking. "Thank you for being here tonight."
His hand sought hers in the darkness. "I wouldn't be anywhere else."
She turned on her side, her hand still in his, so she could see his face in the dark. "Sometimes I get so lonely, I got home tonight and I felt it. I hate it."
"We all feel lonely sometimes." He assured her. "Even when we're surrounded by people."
"I suppose I should feel glad I'm not the only one." She replied grumpily. "I need to ask you something."
He squeezed her hand. "Go ahead."
"I need to know you'll be there for me." She told him, her voice soft.
"How?"
"If I decide to have a termination. I need to know you'll be there for me. I don't want to go through it on my own. I need you with me."
"You want me to go with you or support you?" He asked.
"Both." She admitted.
"Of course."
"And if I keep it would you help me?"
"You know I would." He squeezed her hand again.
"I really needed to know that." She murmured.
He leaned his head towards her and kissed her temple. "Goodnight Cordelia."
There was no response.
