Chapter 3: Grief


The swirl of lights flew past Harry's face; traveling by Portkey is much better
than by floo powder, he thought to himself. It's much cleaner this way.

Just then, he landed suddenly, his trunk, cauldron, and Hedwig's cage falling 
out of his grasp and sprawling across the floor. Looking up from his messy
landing, he surveyed the room he had appeared into. It was tiny, with two 
well-worn brown sofas and a bookshelf packed with books. The beige carpet
under his feet was unextravagant, and yet soft and clean. He collapsed onto
one of the sofas and found it comfortable; the whole room had a homey and 
accepting feel to it. Lupin strolled into the adjoining kitchen and pulled 
a teapot off of the stovetop. 

"Would you like a cup of tea, Harry?" Remus asked.

"Yes, thank you," Harry replied politely, still taking in his surroundings.
"I guess I, er, didn't know you had a house, Remus," he said. Remus smiled
at this comment.

"Well, really it isn't mine, Harry. I'm just renting it for a while. I had a 
bit of money I have picked up from some odd jobs over the summer, and thought
I might as well get out of Grimmauld Place for a while. That old house holds
too many memories," he said, handing Harry a cup of tea, his eyes full of 
sadness. Guiltily, Harry realized he had not considered how Remus would feel
after Sirius' death. Of course he had taken it hard; they were the last
Mauraderers left. Now Remus was on his own. Remus' voice interrupted his 
thoughts. "If you'd like to talk about anything that happened in the Department
of Mysteries, Harry... not necessarially right now, but if you ever want to...
I'll be here." Harry's expression grew unreadable. 

"I don't want to talk about it," he replied coldly. 

"We don't have to," Remus answered gently. Harry turned away, sipping his tea.
He could feel the tears at the corners of his eyes, stinging and burning. He 
didn't understand how, after crying so much today, he still felt as though he 
could sob for hours. After a moment, he was able to control his emotions and
turned back towards Remus. 

"Where am I staying?" He asked. "Maybe I could take my things up now?"

"Right upstairs, follow me," Remus replied. Dragging his trunk and Hedwig's
cage, Harry trudged up the steps and entered a tiny bedroom, only slightly
larger than his broom cupboard at home, with a small brass bed in one corner.
He pushed his things into the other corner and turned to face Remus.

"I'm really tired, I think I'll just lie down for awhile," he said, sitting on
the corner of the bed. "Thanks so much for coming and getting me."

"Of course, Harry. Sweet dreams," he answered with a sad smile, leaving the
room and walking down the creaky steps.

****************

Remus Lupin collapsed onto a well-worn brown sofa, his hands covering his face.
James. Peter. Sirius. All had left him in their own way, and now he was alone,
left to care for Harry all by himself. How can I POSSIBLY raise this child
and get him to overcome his grief when I can't even do that myself?? He 
thought silently to himself. He wanted to cry but knew that what he felt was
far past tears. I have to hold myself together - for Harry, he thought.
I can't fail James and Sirius again.

Remus fell asleep on the couch, a tired, deadened, unrefreshing sleep, and awoke
late in the afternoon. Quietly, he tiptoed upstairs to check on Harry, trying
to avoid the loud creaky steps. He knew this house wasn't spectacular, but it
was all he could afford with the few work opportunities he had been able to
get this summer. It was still comfortable however, and anything was better than
being constantly reminded that Sirius had died by living in his former home.

He held his ear against the door of Harry's bedroom, listening for any sounds.
He heard none, and entered. Harry was still sleeping, but still did not seem
relaxed and stress-free. Remus left, sighing to himself. He wished that there 
were some way that he could help Harry through this troubled time.

Returning to the first floor, he picked up a heavy book that had been sitting
on his table for a week. Albus Dumbledore had brought it to him last week, but he
had been too upset to look through it. Something inside him told him that now was
the time to recollect his past memories.

***************** 

Harry awoke slowly, stiff and still feeling tired. He glanced out his tiny window
and saw that the sun was low in the sky; he had gone to sleep at about 5 AM, and 
it looked as though it were nearly 5 PM. I've never slept that long, he 
thought to himself, shaking his head to clear away the dreams and thoughts of 
Sirius. He could no longer sleep without being haunted by the visions of his past.
Surprisingly, he felt his stomach rumble, and realized he had not eaten in nearly
twenty four hours. Pulling on his robe, he went to the bathroom and splashed some
water onto his face. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, the pale and 
skinny face of someone he barely seemed to know. Looking away, he headed downstairs.

He noticed Remus sitting on one of the sofas, so engrossed in a large book that
at first he did not even notice that Harry was awake. Tears were streaming down
his face; Harry was unsure of what to do. Just when he had decided that he would
return to his room and let Remus have his time to grieve alone, he tripped over a
chair in the kitchen, falling flat on his face. Remus looked up.

"S-s-sorry..." Harry stuttered, feeling horrible.

"No, don't worry Harry, it's okay," Remus replied, somehow smiling through his tears.
"Come here, you might find this interesting." Harry sat at Remus' side and looked at
the book. It was a huge photo album, full of moving pictures. The one that Remus was
pointing to had a young James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. All had on 
muddy clothing and were holding brooms; they had obviously just gotten done with a
Quiddich game. James and Sirius smiled brightly and waved, while Remus looked 
downward and smiled shyly. Harry smiled at the sight of them, their hair wind-blown
and their clothing filthy. Remus turned the page. "This one is from 6th year," he 
said, looking down at a picture of all four of the Mauraderers in their Hogwarts
robs. "It was the first day of school..." The boys looked a bit older, but their
attitudes had nonetheless remained the same; James and Sirius stole the spotlight,
while Remus gazed downwards and Peter attempted to hide behind James. Remus once again
turned the page, and Harry's heart skipped a beat: James and Lily were there, his 
parents, along with a younger and less gray-haired Remus and a woman he didn't know. 
They sat at the edge of Hogwart's lake, dangling their feet into the water and 
laughing.

"Who's that?" Harry asked, pointing to the woman with Remus; she had beautiful brown
hair that fell to her shoulders, curling at the ends, and crystal clear blue eyes.
The most noticeable thing about her was her brilliant smile. Remus sighed deeply.

"Well," he started. "That is-"

Suddenly, the two heard a crash from the front room, followed by several popping
noises. Remus dropped the photo album silently onto the coffee table and stood up,
motioning for Harry to stay where he was. "Hello?" Remus called out, a look of
extreme concern on his face. "Who's there??"

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