Title: Coming To Terms: Daniel
Author: Confushi Sushi
Email: confushi_sushi@hotmail.com
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Spoilers: 718 Heroes 2
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): Daniel/Janet
Season: 7
Summary: Daniel comes to terms with the tragedy.
Disclaimer: Not mine. No $. I'll give 'em back when I'm done, I swear.
*
I still see her face. Whenever I close my eyes it's always there to greet me. It's not the beaming smile she had whenever she was happy. Nor is it the stern look she was capable of giving a stubborn patient. It's none of the faces I have come to associate with her.
It's lifeless.
She just lay there, smoke rising from her chest. She was dead before she hit the ground, but I couldn't accept that. She wasn't supposed to die. She was the one who was supposed to keep us alive; not struggle for that same life herself. But the jaffa that shot her hadn't seen it that way. She was just another uniform, another target for them to try to kill.
It's so easy to hate him for it. To hate them all. I want to hate them. But, I try not to. It's hard to get past all of the things I want to feel. I try though, because that's what she would want. She focused her life on saving others and would be devastated if I ruined my life because of her.
Doesn't make it any easier, though.
Janet Fraiser is dead. Janet's dead and I was there to witness it. A front row seat. Such a spectacular view and I could do nothing. I couldn't save her like she has done for me and countless others. I know that were she still here her words would be along the lines of "It doesn't matter that I didn't make it, at least Wells and everyone else got out alive".
I know this because that was... is Janet Fraiser. A natural healer; always the patient came first. God forbid you try and stand between Janet and someone's life. Even when Apophis was here she at least tried to ease his pain. He was an enemy, but he was also a life, something that Janet revered.
Sitting at her desk, I trace her face on a picture I found of her. In it she is holding Cassie and both are looking at the camera. Their faces are shaped in easy laughter. Rather than being comforting, the image causes tears to well in my eyes again. It hurts because I know that the world will never be graced with that smile again.
"Hey Daniel." I look up to see Sam in the doorway. Her face echoes the pain that burns in my chest. She sees the picture that I hold, and sucks in an unsteady breath.
"Sam." I reply offhandedly, a bit sharply. To be honest with myself, I'm angry. At her. At Jack. At Teal'c. They've seen each other; offered what comfort they could give. But none of them had seen fit to come and see me. Instead I got Bregman.
Sam recoils at the emotion on my face. She must have seen the resentment. "I'm so sorry, Daniel." She all but whispers.
"Don't be. I don't want it." I'm hurt. She's not going to get an easy way out of this.
"There's no excuse. I know that. I wish I had a better reason, but I was afraid." Tears slide down her face as her voice threatens to crack.
"Afraid?" I don't understand what she's talking about. Why would she be afraid of me and not the others?
"You were there Daniel. You saw... it." She couldn't bring herself to say what 'it' was, "I was afraid to know exactly how it happened. I'm sorry Daniel, I just couldn't bring myself to hear that she had suffered."
"So it was ok to just let me hang out to dry?" I load all the bitterness I can onto those words.
"I know I was wrong! I don't expect your forgiveness, but I wanted you to know that I really am sorry." That said, she broke out into a run.
I was disheartened to note that I was actually glad that she was hurting so. Not surprisingly, I almost went after her.
But I wasn't ready to forgive her just yet.
I slept on that desk. Actually it was more like tossing as nightmare after nightmare played through. She died more times than I dared to count that night. She's been dying a lot ever since it happened.
One of the times the images pull me from sleep, I see Sam here. She sits in the corner by the door, head burrowed into her knees as she hugs them to her tightly. I can hear her tiny sobs but she apparently isn't aware yet that I'm awake. Looking at her pain; so open, so raw, I can see why she'd be afraid about hearing about Janet. I don't know if she suffered, if for one instant she even registered the pain of the shot before it actually killed her. God, I hope not; but I could never be sure.
"Sam?" Seeing her like this... I still don't forgive what she has done. What they've done. But I understand, and that helps.
Her head snaps up at my voice. "I saw you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you. I'll go now."
Sam thinks I don't want her here. She wasn't there for me before, but she is here now. I'm not above taking what I can get. "Don't."
Having already begun to extricate herself from the floor, she looked up at me from a kneeling position. "Really?" she asks as she pushes herself up.
I just get up and walk over to her. Standing before her I wrap her in a tight hug, my tears falling freely on her shoulder. It doesn't take long for her to return the gesture, her hands beginning to trace comforting circles on my. It's all that I need to break down and really cry. "She's dead, Sam." I sob, saying the words aloud for the first time.
"I know." She responds, almost crying herself. I know she's trying to hold it together for me, for which I'm grateful.
"I never told her."
"She knows." Sam knows what I'm talking about, though I've never spoken of it with anyone.
"But I never told her!" I never uttered those words. Never let her know just what she meant to me after all these years.
She doesn't have a response, but I feel her hold me that much tighter. God, she was never supposed to die! I know she went out on missions occasionally, but it never really struck me that she could die out there. I thought she was safe, so I thought it could wait.
"Then tell her now." I hadn't been expecting her to reply, and am shocked to near silence. Sam's right. Wherever Janet is right now, she'll hear it. I should have told her before, but that's not possible anymore.
I don't care that I have an audience. "Janet, I love you so much! I only wish I could have told you so while you were still here."
I cry harder as the words leave me. Sam's crying full out too, I can feel the wetness stain my shoulder. It all hurts so much.
I feel a gentle caress in my mind, a comforting gesture that causes me to shut my eyes even tighter. Sam was no doubt perplexed by the choked laughter I let out.
She had heard.
She had heard, and responded.
I love you too.
Author: Confushi Sushi
Email: confushi_sushi@hotmail.com
Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Spoilers: 718 Heroes 2
Rating: PG
Pairing(s): Daniel/Janet
Season: 7
Summary: Daniel comes to terms with the tragedy.
Disclaimer: Not mine. No $. I'll give 'em back when I'm done, I swear.
*
I still see her face. Whenever I close my eyes it's always there to greet me. It's not the beaming smile she had whenever she was happy. Nor is it the stern look she was capable of giving a stubborn patient. It's none of the faces I have come to associate with her.
It's lifeless.
She just lay there, smoke rising from her chest. She was dead before she hit the ground, but I couldn't accept that. She wasn't supposed to die. She was the one who was supposed to keep us alive; not struggle for that same life herself. But the jaffa that shot her hadn't seen it that way. She was just another uniform, another target for them to try to kill.
It's so easy to hate him for it. To hate them all. I want to hate them. But, I try not to. It's hard to get past all of the things I want to feel. I try though, because that's what she would want. She focused her life on saving others and would be devastated if I ruined my life because of her.
Doesn't make it any easier, though.
Janet Fraiser is dead. Janet's dead and I was there to witness it. A front row seat. Such a spectacular view and I could do nothing. I couldn't save her like she has done for me and countless others. I know that were she still here her words would be along the lines of "It doesn't matter that I didn't make it, at least Wells and everyone else got out alive".
I know this because that was... is Janet Fraiser. A natural healer; always the patient came first. God forbid you try and stand between Janet and someone's life. Even when Apophis was here she at least tried to ease his pain. He was an enemy, but he was also a life, something that Janet revered.
Sitting at her desk, I trace her face on a picture I found of her. In it she is holding Cassie and both are looking at the camera. Their faces are shaped in easy laughter. Rather than being comforting, the image causes tears to well in my eyes again. It hurts because I know that the world will never be graced with that smile again.
"Hey Daniel." I look up to see Sam in the doorway. Her face echoes the pain that burns in my chest. She sees the picture that I hold, and sucks in an unsteady breath.
"Sam." I reply offhandedly, a bit sharply. To be honest with myself, I'm angry. At her. At Jack. At Teal'c. They've seen each other; offered what comfort they could give. But none of them had seen fit to come and see me. Instead I got Bregman.
Sam recoils at the emotion on my face. She must have seen the resentment. "I'm so sorry, Daniel." She all but whispers.
"Don't be. I don't want it." I'm hurt. She's not going to get an easy way out of this.
"There's no excuse. I know that. I wish I had a better reason, but I was afraid." Tears slide down her face as her voice threatens to crack.
"Afraid?" I don't understand what she's talking about. Why would she be afraid of me and not the others?
"You were there Daniel. You saw... it." She couldn't bring herself to say what 'it' was, "I was afraid to know exactly how it happened. I'm sorry Daniel, I just couldn't bring myself to hear that she had suffered."
"So it was ok to just let me hang out to dry?" I load all the bitterness I can onto those words.
"I know I was wrong! I don't expect your forgiveness, but I wanted you to know that I really am sorry." That said, she broke out into a run.
I was disheartened to note that I was actually glad that she was hurting so. Not surprisingly, I almost went after her.
But I wasn't ready to forgive her just yet.
I slept on that desk. Actually it was more like tossing as nightmare after nightmare played through. She died more times than I dared to count that night. She's been dying a lot ever since it happened.
One of the times the images pull me from sleep, I see Sam here. She sits in the corner by the door, head burrowed into her knees as she hugs them to her tightly. I can hear her tiny sobs but she apparently isn't aware yet that I'm awake. Looking at her pain; so open, so raw, I can see why she'd be afraid about hearing about Janet. I don't know if she suffered, if for one instant she even registered the pain of the shot before it actually killed her. God, I hope not; but I could never be sure.
"Sam?" Seeing her like this... I still don't forgive what she has done. What they've done. But I understand, and that helps.
Her head snaps up at my voice. "I saw you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you. I'll go now."
Sam thinks I don't want her here. She wasn't there for me before, but she is here now. I'm not above taking what I can get. "Don't."
Having already begun to extricate herself from the floor, she looked up at me from a kneeling position. "Really?" she asks as she pushes herself up.
I just get up and walk over to her. Standing before her I wrap her in a tight hug, my tears falling freely on her shoulder. It doesn't take long for her to return the gesture, her hands beginning to trace comforting circles on my. It's all that I need to break down and really cry. "She's dead, Sam." I sob, saying the words aloud for the first time.
"I know." She responds, almost crying herself. I know she's trying to hold it together for me, for which I'm grateful.
"I never told her."
"She knows." Sam knows what I'm talking about, though I've never spoken of it with anyone.
"But I never told her!" I never uttered those words. Never let her know just what she meant to me after all these years.
She doesn't have a response, but I feel her hold me that much tighter. God, she was never supposed to die! I know she went out on missions occasionally, but it never really struck me that she could die out there. I thought she was safe, so I thought it could wait.
"Then tell her now." I hadn't been expecting her to reply, and am shocked to near silence. Sam's right. Wherever Janet is right now, she'll hear it. I should have told her before, but that's not possible anymore.
I don't care that I have an audience. "Janet, I love you so much! I only wish I could have told you so while you were still here."
I cry harder as the words leave me. Sam's crying full out too, I can feel the wetness stain my shoulder. It all hurts so much.
I feel a gentle caress in my mind, a comforting gesture that causes me to shut my eyes even tighter. Sam was no doubt perplexed by the choked laughter I let out.
She had heard.
She had heard, and responded.
I love you too.
