Disclaimer ~ This is the last one for this story I'm going to write, and it applies to all following chapters. I don't own Lord of the Rings, nor do I own any other memerobeilia that I might mention in later updates. The words, however, are mine.
The years passed by and Frodo grew older. And stranger. Day by day he retreated farther into his house and refused to let anyone safe for Sam and the Gaffer come within twenty meters of him. He was also convinced his cousins, Merriadoc Brandybuck and Perrigrin Took, were trying to kill him. He was right, but nobody ever told him that.
One night, after telling Sam of his latest neer-death experience (Pippin had blown a firework up in his face), Frodo entered Bagend to find that someone sitting in the window. 'Is it secret?' came a quiet voice from the opening.
'Is what secret?' Frodo asked.
'Is it safe?' the voice asked.
Frodo began to loose his temper. 'IS WHAT SAFE!!??' He demanded.
The figure stood, the moonlight suddenly catching the glint of his brilliant orange hair, covered as it was by a gray touque. 'The Ring you idiot!'
'Gandalf?'
'No, I'm Bilbo, I've just grown a lot.'
'Bilbo! Ahhhhh! Get away you evil demon! You said you'd leave me alone!'
'Shut up, or the whole neibourhood will know I'm here! And, really, learn sarcasm! Of course I'm Gandalf. Do you really think that Bilbo would have orange hair?'
'I guess not. What's with that anyway?'
Gandalf didn't answer, but his right eye began to go crazy as it's pupil began moving in around in circles. Frodo cringed. 'Where is the ring?' Gandalf asked after a moment.
'What ring?'
'The one Bilbo left you!'
'Oh, right over here.' Frodo led the wizard to the kitchen where he took out six large napkin holders. 'Arn't they nice?' He smiled fondly. 'I had the others made to match it exactly, they were so shiny and they make all my dinnerguests jealous.'
Gandalf slapped the poor hobbit upside the head. 'You FOOL!! I told you to keep it out of sight!'
'No you didn't!' Frodo yelled, tears briming in his eyes. 'You just said that 'a wizards work is never done' and then you left me with all these scary people who are dead-set on killing me!'
'Oh. Well, I meant to tell you, and therefor you should have done so anyway. Now, it seems we will have to figure out which of these is the real ring.' Gandalf sighed. 'Come on, into the fire they must go.'
'What? No! I won't have it!' Gandalf glared. 'Oh, very well. You can have these ones.' He handed the wizard five of the six napkin holders.
'Frrrooodo,' he held out his had for the last one.
'Yes? I thought you wanted to burn my lovely napkin holders? Er, right. Um, do we have to burn this one? Only, it's my favorite and...'
'If they're identical, how can you have a favorite?'
'Well, this one's the original! I can tell.' The halfling grinned, then burst out into tears as Gandalf snatched the sixth band from his hands, then tossed it into the fire (that had not even been alight two moments ago, Frodo did, afterall, only just get home.)
'Ahhh! Gandalf!' Frodo ran towards the hearth and very stupidly reached into the flames to grab the thing from the clutches of doom he was so certain his ring was caught in. 'Ahhh! My hand! IT'S ON FIRE!!!'
'Really? I hadn't noticed.'
'HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE!! I'M GOING TO DIE! MERRY, PIPPIN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!'
'Right,' Gandalf said, still staring into the now empy fire. Suddenly, he seemed to remember what it was he was supposed to be doing and casually put out the fire that had now engulfed Frodo's arm. 'Look at the ring, do you see anything?'
'Well duh! It's only invisible when it's on someone's finger!'
'Right.' Gandalf said again. 'I mean, do you see any writing?'
'Ermm, writing? Like the stuff that covered those stupid maps I "didn't" try to burn?'
The wizard stared for a long moment, well, stared as well as one can when one of your eyes is doing somersaults. He then poped back into his mind again and said 'Er, yes. Something like that.'
'Oh, no.' Gandalf sighed in relief. 'But there are pretty pictures! I see a bunny and a chipmunk and a birdie and-'
'Enough! I have heard enough. It is has I feared. The ring you hold now is the one ring, forged by the dark lord Sauron....' His voice trailed off and his face went blank.
'Gandalf?' Frodo reached out tentatively and poked him.
'Ahh! Oh, Frodo, so nice to see you. Where were we?'
'Are you alright Gandalf?'
'Of course I am, why do you ask?'
'You keep blanking out.'
'Oh.' There was a pause. 'Well see, I got hit in the head a few times not long ago and now I have a tendancy to do so.'
'Oh, okay.'
'Anyway. You must take the ring away from the shire. It is not safe here anymore. The Dark Lord is awakening, he is calling to the precious- I mean, the one ring.'
'But why is it so evil?'
'I cannot say it, it is far to horrible for words.'
'Right. Okay.'
There was a moaning from beneath the window and Gandalf went over to it, promptly pulling Samwise Gamgee from a bush. 'AHhhh! It's you!'
The hobbit waved blearily at him. 'Hello. Oh, hello mister Frodo! So nice to see you again. I was just passed out in your garden, I hope you don't mind. Oh, hello Gandalf, didn't see you there.' The wizard was still holding him by the colar of his shirt.
'Frodo, meet your travelling companion.'
'Sam? You're sending SAM with me? Oh dear Eru, whatever I did to wrong you, forgive me!'
'Would you rather I sent Merry or Pippin?' Gandalf asked him.
'Er, hello Sam, we're going on a quest!'
Gandalf smiled. 'Right, off you go. I have things to do. I must see the WAPLOW.'
Sam and Frodo looked at each other. 'Waplow? Who's he?' They asked together.
'Not Waplow, WAPLOW! Wise and powerful leader of the Wizards.' He didn't mention that WAPLOW also stood for 'Worst ass* possible left on the world, which was also quite true. 'Now, go.'
'Alright, come on Mr. Frodo. Wait, where are we going?'
'Er... go to Bree. Yes, that'll do. I'll er... meet you there. Yes, goodbye.'
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
*It should be noted here that I was using the word 'ass' in the context of crulety, not as a reference to certain body parts that, quite frankly, I'd rather NOT check out on Saruman's body, though it is probably true either way.
Now, since I wasn't sure if I would GET any reviewers, I'd like to thank those that even READ it. I know there are many more parodies out there, most of which are better than mine, so I feel a special need to thank those that took the time to review what I've writen.
Khaeriel ~ Yes, I agree, the first chapter was the best of them thus far, I think I tried too hard with the second, and the proloque was just stupid, but thank you for reading them anyway.
Bookworm2000 ~ Thank you, as you can see, I tried writing in raidio-style, but it just wasn't working for me. I need to be able to say a lot more than radio-style permits, so I've reverted back to my prefered writing style. I LOVE your writing though, it's wonderfully writen and really quite funny.
The years passed by and Frodo grew older. And stranger. Day by day he retreated farther into his house and refused to let anyone safe for Sam and the Gaffer come within twenty meters of him. He was also convinced his cousins, Merriadoc Brandybuck and Perrigrin Took, were trying to kill him. He was right, but nobody ever told him that.
One night, after telling Sam of his latest neer-death experience (Pippin had blown a firework up in his face), Frodo entered Bagend to find that someone sitting in the window. 'Is it secret?' came a quiet voice from the opening.
'Is what secret?' Frodo asked.
'Is it safe?' the voice asked.
Frodo began to loose his temper. 'IS WHAT SAFE!!??' He demanded.
The figure stood, the moonlight suddenly catching the glint of his brilliant orange hair, covered as it was by a gray touque. 'The Ring you idiot!'
'Gandalf?'
'No, I'm Bilbo, I've just grown a lot.'
'Bilbo! Ahhhhh! Get away you evil demon! You said you'd leave me alone!'
'Shut up, or the whole neibourhood will know I'm here! And, really, learn sarcasm! Of course I'm Gandalf. Do you really think that Bilbo would have orange hair?'
'I guess not. What's with that anyway?'
Gandalf didn't answer, but his right eye began to go crazy as it's pupil began moving in around in circles. Frodo cringed. 'Where is the ring?' Gandalf asked after a moment.
'What ring?'
'The one Bilbo left you!'
'Oh, right over here.' Frodo led the wizard to the kitchen where he took out six large napkin holders. 'Arn't they nice?' He smiled fondly. 'I had the others made to match it exactly, they were so shiny and they make all my dinnerguests jealous.'
Gandalf slapped the poor hobbit upside the head. 'You FOOL!! I told you to keep it out of sight!'
'No you didn't!' Frodo yelled, tears briming in his eyes. 'You just said that 'a wizards work is never done' and then you left me with all these scary people who are dead-set on killing me!'
'Oh. Well, I meant to tell you, and therefor you should have done so anyway. Now, it seems we will have to figure out which of these is the real ring.' Gandalf sighed. 'Come on, into the fire they must go.'
'What? No! I won't have it!' Gandalf glared. 'Oh, very well. You can have these ones.' He handed the wizard five of the six napkin holders.
'Frrrooodo,' he held out his had for the last one.
'Yes? I thought you wanted to burn my lovely napkin holders? Er, right. Um, do we have to burn this one? Only, it's my favorite and...'
'If they're identical, how can you have a favorite?'
'Well, this one's the original! I can tell.' The halfling grinned, then burst out into tears as Gandalf snatched the sixth band from his hands, then tossed it into the fire (that had not even been alight two moments ago, Frodo did, afterall, only just get home.)
'Ahhh! Gandalf!' Frodo ran towards the hearth and very stupidly reached into the flames to grab the thing from the clutches of doom he was so certain his ring was caught in. 'Ahhh! My hand! IT'S ON FIRE!!!'
'Really? I hadn't noticed.'
'HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE!! I'M GOING TO DIE! MERRY, PIPPIN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!'
'Right,' Gandalf said, still staring into the now empy fire. Suddenly, he seemed to remember what it was he was supposed to be doing and casually put out the fire that had now engulfed Frodo's arm. 'Look at the ring, do you see anything?'
'Well duh! It's only invisible when it's on someone's finger!'
'Right.' Gandalf said again. 'I mean, do you see any writing?'
'Ermm, writing? Like the stuff that covered those stupid maps I "didn't" try to burn?'
The wizard stared for a long moment, well, stared as well as one can when one of your eyes is doing somersaults. He then poped back into his mind again and said 'Er, yes. Something like that.'
'Oh, no.' Gandalf sighed in relief. 'But there are pretty pictures! I see a bunny and a chipmunk and a birdie and-'
'Enough! I have heard enough. It is has I feared. The ring you hold now is the one ring, forged by the dark lord Sauron....' His voice trailed off and his face went blank.
'Gandalf?' Frodo reached out tentatively and poked him.
'Ahh! Oh, Frodo, so nice to see you. Where were we?'
'Are you alright Gandalf?'
'Of course I am, why do you ask?'
'You keep blanking out.'
'Oh.' There was a pause. 'Well see, I got hit in the head a few times not long ago and now I have a tendancy to do so.'
'Oh, okay.'
'Anyway. You must take the ring away from the shire. It is not safe here anymore. The Dark Lord is awakening, he is calling to the precious- I mean, the one ring.'
'But why is it so evil?'
'I cannot say it, it is far to horrible for words.'
'Right. Okay.'
There was a moaning from beneath the window and Gandalf went over to it, promptly pulling Samwise Gamgee from a bush. 'AHhhh! It's you!'
The hobbit waved blearily at him. 'Hello. Oh, hello mister Frodo! So nice to see you again. I was just passed out in your garden, I hope you don't mind. Oh, hello Gandalf, didn't see you there.' The wizard was still holding him by the colar of his shirt.
'Frodo, meet your travelling companion.'
'Sam? You're sending SAM with me? Oh dear Eru, whatever I did to wrong you, forgive me!'
'Would you rather I sent Merry or Pippin?' Gandalf asked him.
'Er, hello Sam, we're going on a quest!'
Gandalf smiled. 'Right, off you go. I have things to do. I must see the WAPLOW.'
Sam and Frodo looked at each other. 'Waplow? Who's he?' They asked together.
'Not Waplow, WAPLOW! Wise and powerful leader of the Wizards.' He didn't mention that WAPLOW also stood for 'Worst ass* possible left on the world, which was also quite true. 'Now, go.'
'Alright, come on Mr. Frodo. Wait, where are we going?'
'Er... go to Bree. Yes, that'll do. I'll er... meet you there. Yes, goodbye.'
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
*It should be noted here that I was using the word 'ass' in the context of crulety, not as a reference to certain body parts that, quite frankly, I'd rather NOT check out on Saruman's body, though it is probably true either way.
Now, since I wasn't sure if I would GET any reviewers, I'd like to thank those that even READ it. I know there are many more parodies out there, most of which are better than mine, so I feel a special need to thank those that took the time to review what I've writen.
Khaeriel ~ Yes, I agree, the first chapter was the best of them thus far, I think I tried too hard with the second, and the proloque was just stupid, but thank you for reading them anyway.
Bookworm2000 ~ Thank you, as you can see, I tried writing in raidio-style, but it just wasn't working for me. I need to be able to say a lot more than radio-style permits, so I've reverted back to my prefered writing style. I LOVE your writing though, it's wonderfully writen and really quite funny.
