The Schism
Chapter 5
Mr. Snicket was taking the tour bus down to Winnipeg Manor, and he was in a rather foul mood. When he could, he would explain to Regina exactly why he was in a foul mood. He would have already over the phone to Beatrice, but she had been awfully insistent.
"Lemony," she had said, "you must come. You know Regina."
This was true. Everybody knew Regina. Everyone knew that if Regina had trouble with something - anything - she would get depressedly frustrated and would be unable to talk for weeks. The more people helping her, the better.
So Lemony came. Now he would only have one day to get ready for his new job.
Unfortunately, Mr. Snicket had chosen to travel by bus, and as anyone who is reading this knows, traveling by bus is rarely a pleasant experience. Even more unfortunately, Mr. Snicket sat in a middle seat. And perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back (an expression which here means, "the one thing that made Mr. Snicket's situation the worst it could possibly have been") was the fact that the two people on either side of him were not exactly of the sort you would want to sit next to you on a long bus trip. One of them was extremely fat, and looked rather like a boyish lady or a girlish man. This person had also apparently forgotten his/her coffee this morning and kept crushing Mr. Snicket's shoulder with his/her enormous head. The other person was thankfully normal-sized, but he had gone through amputation, and in place of his hands there were two hooks. Usually there would be no problem with this; Mr. Snicket was not prejudiced against people with disabilities. However, this hook-handed person insisted on yawning every so often with his arms stretched out, so that by the time Winnipeg Manor was in sight, Mr. Snicket was not only crushed but severely scratched as well.
To make matters worse, these two unpleasant people got off the bus with him. Mr. Snicket had not an inkling why, but that was none of his business. (A/N: If only he knew.)
He immediately strode across the wide lawn that swept in front of the mansion, making his way to the veranda. When he got there, he pressed the small button on the wall, which activated the doorbell. The door opened immediately, and Beatrice ushered him inside.
"Please come in, Lemony, Regina's been awful this morning."
With any luck, Regina would not be in the foyer at this moment. She wasn't.
Mr. Snicket followed Beatrice to the parlor, where the Duchess was on the telephone. She waved hello at Mr. Snicket, and gestured toward the door to the ballroom. He obligingly opened the door and looked through it. His brother and Olaf were there unpacking boxes of what appeared to be serpentine and balloons. Oh the horror.
Regina hung up the phone and Mr. Snicket looked back into the parlor, shutting the door. "Hello, Lemony," said Regina, "I'm so glad you could come." She didn't look glad at all, but Mr. Snicket realized this was not to be taken personally. "Could you just help Jacques and Olaf in the ballroom? That would be of great help to me." Then she picked up the telephone again, and dialed in some numbers.
Mr. Snicket walked into the ballroom and opened a new box of streamers.
"Hello, Lemony," said Jacques. "How did your interview go?"
"Very well, I suppose. I'm to start work on Monday," Mr. Snicket replied.
"What exactly are you doing?" asked Jacques.
"You know very well exactly what I'm doing," said Mr. Snicket.
Jacques rephrased his question. "Well, yes, of course, but what is your position at the newspaper?"
"Theater critic."
"Excuse me," said Olaf, "but I must go outside for a moment." He did, and the two brothers looked at each other questioningly.
* * *
Lunch was at 1:30 in the afternoon, so at that time, Snickets checked their watches and headed for the parlor again, where Regina would undoubtedly be. Beatrice and the Duchess were both there. Daniel had been working in the gardens and showed up five minutes later. Ten minutes later, just as everyone began to wonder where Olaf was, he stumbled in from the ballroom, looking red-faced and disheveled. No inquiries were made about this point, and the six walked though the ballroom, formal dining room, and kitchens, and into the informal dining room, where there was a plate of sandwiches on a round table.
Everyone took a seat and grabbed a sandwich.
"The ballroom looks wonderful," said the Duchess.
No one answered.
"I believe I have found a suitable caterer," said the Duchess in reply to the silence.
"Really?" said Beatrice.
"I hope they are better than the caterers you hired last time," said Jacques dryly.
Everyone winced. Last year, the caterers had proved much too intrusive. While they were poking about where they weren't supposed to, they grew very suspicious of the Duchess's ball and all these people who had showed up. They had almost stumbled upon the actual purpose of the ball - as a VFD get together. The Duchess had had them dismissed early on in the proceedings.
"Don't worry," the Duchess replied coldly. "As I have stated, I believe them to be suitable enough for our company."
The party was silent for another fifteen minutes, whereupon they went back to their duties. Olaf stayed in the ballroom this time.
Unseen by anyone, the fat person and the hook-handed man ran down the front lawn to catch the next tour bus away from Winnipeg Manor. There was much to be done.
* * *
I hope this chapter made up for the time it took to write it. This is not the easiest story to write. But it is fun! Hopefully, the next chapter will not take so long.
~ Anoriel
