Disclaimer - Poor Professor Tolkien . . . having to watch things like this come into being . . .

A/N - WfR would like to take this time to say that a). She's never written a Mary Sue - she learned from other people's mistakes, and b). That she's sorry she hasn't updated in a while. Yes, I know it's been a long time since I last updated - I've been hanging out at fictionpress.com. If you're in a hurry for updates, you can go bug me there.

"What did you do that for?" Merry asked, surprised, as Haldir was swept past our boat. "Better yet - who are you, and what are you doing here?"

I winced. "My name is Melissa. I'm a Sue author being punished for my evil ways. In my fan fiction, Haldir was my 'one true love'. Usually he and one of my characters joined the Company only to screw up the main story royally."

Merry gave me a frightened look. "Mary Sue? You - you didn't write anything about hobbits, did you?"

I shook my head. "I didn't think I knew enough about Hobbit life to write anything about them. I left Hobbits well enough alone. It was the elves that I messed with."

"Haldir and Legolas?" Merry guessed.

"Yep. Well, not really Legolas - I wrote a bit of slash with him in it . . . but nothing more, really."

At the mention of slash, Merry's eyes went wide, and he said no more.

Grateful that he had shut up for the time being, I closed my eyes, and let sleep over take me.



"Lossenlossëwen," Haldir's voice said urgently. "Lossenlossëwen! Wake up!"

She sat up quicky. "Whut? R we ther alredy?"

"No, my luv, not yet. We'll b ther soon." Haldir answered.

"Ok, so long as were together." Lossenlossëwen said sleplily.

She tired to go back to sleep but Haldir stopped her. "No Lossenlossëwen! U cant' sleep now. We r in a hurry."

"Whut? Whut's wrong?"

"Ther r orks on the eastrn shure."

"O no! Whut will we due?"

"Nothin yet, Lossenlossëwen. We will just hang in ther. Do not wory, my luv," added Haldir. "We will b ok."

"Hladir, Im scared."

"its ok, Lossenlossëwen - well be ok."

Frightened by whut was happenin, Lossenlossëwen fainted clean away . . .



And I woke up to find myself being dragged out of the boat, onto shore by a very irrate looking Legolas and Haldir.

"Hey! Stop that! I'm awake - you don't need to carry me!" I protested, hoping that they would not try to drop me.

"Yes, we do," said Legolas vehemently. "Your limbs are bound."

"What the - why am I tied up?"

"It seems Lossenlossëwen has night terrors and needs to be comforted!" Haldir snapped. "I was not willing to hold your hand, so I decided to bind your hands, that you might not be able to - ahem - grab at my hands."

I rolled my eyes. "Sorry. I probably deserved being tied up. Now will you please let me free?"

Haldir gave me a look. "Do you seriously think that we will let you free, that you might upset the story even more than it already is through your actions?"

I thought about it. "Yes?"

Haldir smirked at me. "I do not think so."

They left me tied up for the rest of the night.

She woke up screaming. "Haldir! Haldir! Wher r u?"

"Im right here, luv - what do u need?" haldir answered.

"Y m I tied up?" She asked, whimpering.

"U had night terrors, luv, we thought it was for the best." Haldir said calmly.

"Haldy - plz untie me!" She pleaded. Boromir was giving her funny looks.

"But of course, Lossenlossëwen!" Said Haldir, soundingn shocked. "We would never lave u tied up!"

Pulling a nife out of his poket, he cut her bonds.

"Thank u, Haldir! I thought I was dead for sure." Lossenlossëwen gasped.

"U know I wood never leave u." Haldir said serioulsy, pulling her into a embrace.

"I konw. I was afriad, tho." Lossenlossëwen admitted.

"Don't b, my luv." Said Haldir dramatically.

They begant o kiss, onlyt o b made fun of by the Company.

I pulled my mouth away from Haldir's, and spat repeatedly upon the ground. "Ew! Just - ew!" I began to convulse. "How could I write such a piece of - such a piece of dreck!"

Haldir glared at me. "You are not the only one being put through such torture! I have been mauled by fan girls and Mary Sues too many times!"

I thought it over for a moment. "Well, that's true. You've been through more than I have. However, you have luck on your side. You don't know what's going to happen next. I do - and I'm not exactly looking forward to it!"

"Not exactly looking forward to it? I have to live in fear that the story you've written is NC-17, or just plain obscene!" Haldir retorted.

"Don't get your hopes up," I snapped. "The site I post on doesn't allow anything higher than a PG-13 rating - and even then they discourage that! There's going to be nothing - obscene - in this particular story!"

Haldir gaped at me, as did the other members of the Company.

I realized what I'd just said, and winced. "Sorry - I, er - I didn't mean that. I thought I was arguing with someone else - I kind of lost it there, for a minute or two."

Haldir nodded slowly. "I see," he said calmly.

The Company did not speak to me for the rest of the night.

A/N - Chappie number four is here! For all u peeps out ther taht think ths is a Mary Sue (whutever that is) u can just leve me alone. Its my fic and I can due whutever I like. Its fanFICTION, duh! And for my flamers - U suck!!!!1111 Ur just jealous bcaz I can rite and u cant!!!!111 Nyah nyah! With that, back 2 ur regular scehedeuled program. And peeps, donnot jump to conclisuions. *coughWfRivendalecough* its not a MAry SuE - im the riter, im the 1 who knows hwo it ends.

I tried hard not to scream as I felt the author's note go flying past my line of vision. I could not believe how horrible things had gotten. In just a chapter things had gone from bad to worse. I'd started using netspeak, had told people that they "sucked", and said that it wasn't a Mary Sue. I felt horrible, yet knew that things were about to go from worse to worst.

Wincing, I braced myself for what was about to be a very squicky moment.

Lossenlossëwen pulled away from Haldir and turned to face the Fellowship. "Ur just jealous b caz Haldir and I r free to express our luv, unlkie the rest of u - Aragorn and Legolas, Frodo and Sam. U r just being immature."

"Thats rite, Lossenlossëwen! They r all a bunch of fools!" Haldir said supportively.

Aragorn looked at her angrily. "Legolas and I r not a coupel! Im in luv with Arwen - she is my 1 and only!"

"That's rite!" Legoals chimed in. "Aragorn and I r just friends - nothing more!"

Frodo and Sam said nothing, instead looked at each other in despair. A/N - Whut? Thats not whut I wrot! Whut is going on hre? Who is taking ovr my storie?

At the sound of the author's note, my sanity was temporarily restored. It was then that I realized what was wrong with the story - Frodo and Sam were in canon.

"Oh no!" I shouted, and instantly wished I hadn't, as Aragorn, Legolas, Haldir and the rest of the Fellowship snapped back into their normal canon selves.

I winced. "Don't worry - I can probably explain everything."

(Real) A/N - Can anyone guess what website Melissa "posted" on? Hint - It has a Barrow Wight as a moderator. :o) Kudos - and a possible mention in the story - to anyone that does guess correctly. Also, I am considering putting the moments from the "original story" in italics. Please tell me your thoughts on this.