We'll Always Remember
Author's Notes: Firstly, I want to apologise for the lack of updates. This chapter was a horror to write, and when you add to that the fact that I've just started my first job and I've been on holiday for a week (sunning myself in the lovely Malta…and swimming with dolphins too!) …well, it's kinda understandable isn't it? Anyway, better late than never, and it gives me great pleasure to present to you…Chapter 3! Like I said, it was awful to write, and I'm not as pleased with it as I could be but…y'know, nothing's ever perfect right? Anyway…Brooke hunny you've always been a first class beta, but even more so with this chapter – thanks for all the help when I've been stuck in the rut that is writers block! Anyway, don't forget to e-mail any comments or suggestions to surrender_something@hotmail.com and most of all, enjoy this chapter!
Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. We all I know I own nothing. Well, actually I'm working now so I'm earning money but…nah, it'd never be enough to buy the wonder that is John Carter and Abby Lockhart (aka Noah Wyle and Maura Tierney!)
Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart…with a bit of Susan Lewis definitely planned, and I'm sure that others will creep in at some point in the near future.
Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…
Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.
Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.
So without further ado…
Chapter 3: To Trust Someone
(Abby's POV)
'Trauma coming in – thirteen-year-old girl with sustainable head injuries. ETA 9 minutes' Chuny announces as I drop what must be at least my tenth chart of the day down on the desk – and I'm not even halfway through my shift yet. Lovely quiet day this is turning out to be.
'I got it' John announces – I swear the guy thrives on trauma…it's quite disconcerting at times, if I'm honest. I take a sip of much-needed coffee and settle in to watch as he pauses to clear a name from the board whilst glancing around, presumably in search of a nurse. And three guesses who he picks? 'Abby?'
'Sure, whatever' I sigh, resigning myself to the fact that I'm not gonna get my caffeine boost just yet. I chuck him a gown and grab one for myself along with a couple of pairs of gloves, before following him into the ambulance bay. He turns and gives me that grin, and…oh right, this is the moment where I'm meant to melt and go rushing into his arms?
Yeah. That one's so not gonna happen today.
I stifle a yawn as I tug the gown over my head, careful not to upset the clip precariously securing my hair in place…and damnit why is he still looking at me? He has no idea whatsoever how unnerving he can be at times.
'Quit doing that' I mutter, pulling my gloves on.
'Doing what exactly?' Ohh, the smart-ass routine. He want's to play that game. Well John Carter, you're about to find out that Abby Lockhart can give as good as she gets.
'You know exactly what' I respond, walking behind him to tie the back of his gown…and so he can't see the grin on my face.
'If…if…I had the faintest idea what you were talking about, I'd try and stop. But I don't. Maybe you'd care to let me in on the topic of conversation here Abby?' Oh for Christ's sake nothing with him can ever be simple can it? Given the option of the simple five minute task over the lengthy two hour job…I swear he'd pick the two hour one every single time.
'That thing with your eyes' I reluctantly inform him as I turn round to let him tie the back of my gown. I feel a hand on my arm and before I know it I'm facing him again, confronted by that little dog lost routine he's got going. You know the one, the puppy dog eyes; the slight tilt of the head; the raised eyebrow; the hint of a cheeky grin…you've seen that before, right?
Fine, fine maybe I spend a little too much time watching him. Hey, a girl's got to get her pleasures from somewhere. And he's not exactly an eyesore to watch…
Get a grip Abby. Get. A. Grip.
'You know, you just stare at someone continuously. It's bloody unnerving to tell the truth…oh stop it with the puppy dog eyes' I laugh, patting his cheek gently as he tries to look wounded.
'Oh right, and Little Miss Perfect's never guilty of that I suppose?'
'Moi? Why of course not' I toss over my shoulder as I step into the sun, shielding my eyes in order to look up at the surprisingly blue sky. Funny that. Always happens when I'm working.
He's behind me. Don't ask how I know, I just do.
'So, this friend of mine is opening his own restaurant tonight, and he offered me a table. Only problem is…' Aha. Now we get to the crunch of the matter. This is why he's being so very nice.
'Poor little Carter needs a date?' I mock, refusing to turn and face him. 'Some trophy date who you can show off to all your rich friends and then dump the second you get out of the restaurant?'
'No, no Abby…' Oh the joy. He's gotta be the easiest person in the state of Chicago to wind up.
'It was a joke John, relax'
'Nice. That's real nice Abby' he says accusingly, but I turn round all too soon and catch the grin on his face. 'So you'll come?'
'How posh is this restaurant?'
'Not posh. It's kinda…smart casual' Uh uh. Not getting into this again, and definitely not making a fool out of myself like the last time he persuaded me to go some place with him. No way. This nurse isn't that stupid.
'And say I take your smart casual comment literally. This wouldn't by any chance be one of those occasions where I'd say, dress smart casual, and then you turn up in a tux would it?'
'Would I do that to you?'
'Now let me think…yes?' trust me. John Carter may play the whole naïve card, but let me tell you he most certainly is not the innocent little boy he tries to be. Ah he's laughing…but damn he has the sexiest laugh. It's all soft and low and actually quite seductive.
'I promise. It's not posh…'
'Okay okay if it'll make you happy I'll come' I really am guilty of speaking before my brain's done processing what I'm about to say. That's the whole "Abby Lockhart gives as good as she gets" gone flying out the window. Goodbye resolve. It was nice knowing ya.
'It's a date. A first date, come to think of it' Whoa. Did I miss something here? Since when did dating come into any of this? Sure, we agreed that we felt more than just friendship…but after two years I reckon we could bypass the whole dating notion, don't you think?
'Nooo. I think…that we're past all that dating nonsense John. Especially that first date crap. I mean, we basically already know everything there is to know which defeats the whole first date idea' I explain with a smile on my face, as the rig pulls in. I feel him lean close, close enough that I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.
'You're in an incredibly good mood today…would that be down to anyone in particular?' he murmurs, giving me a gentle push towards the rig.
'Wouldn't you like to know' I counter, giving him a wink before jogging over to open the ambulance doors.
'Katy Matthews, thirteen years old, suffered severe head trauma in some sort of fall. Neighbours found her, called 911. She's got a GCS of 9, pulse of 62, BP of 130 over 100. Intubated on way' the paramedic calls authoritatively.
'Okay trauma one quick as we can' John announces, and they head towards the entrance. I make to follow them, but my attention is caught. Standing just in front of the ambulance and clearly forgotten about is a little boy, with tears falling down his cheeks. In actual fact, he looks a lot like Eric used to look… 'Abby NOW!' John yells, bringing me back to reality.
'Get Chuny or Malik!' I yell back at him, and when he notices the little boy he gives me a small nod before running through the doors, asking for help. I crouch down in front of him and take off my gloves, shoving them into my pocket. 'Hi there. My name's Abby…can you tell me yours?'
'Adam' he whispers, catching his lip between his teeth as the tears continue to flow.
'Okay Adam, are you hurt anywhere?' he points silently to his wrist, eyes fixed on my face. 'Okay sweetheart, we'll go make it better and find out how your sister's doing, yeah?' I ask, standing up and holding out a hand to him. When he doesn't move I lean over, lifting him up as he wraps his legs round my waist, burying his head into my shoulder. 'Hey Frank what's open?'
'Uhh try exam 2'
'Cheers' I offer a small smile and make my way to exam two, shielding Adam's eyes as I bypass trauma one, where Katy has the complete attention of John, Gallant and Dr Corday. And to be honest it doesn't look too good, judging from the looks on their faces.
Why does it always happen to the little kids? Life really sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks even more than that.
'Where's Katy?! I want Katy!' Adam cries, releasing a fresh bout of tears as I sit him down in exam two. I drag a stool over and sit in front of him, wiping the tears from his cheeks.
'The doctors are working on her sweetie, they're taking real good care of her. Can I have a look at your wrist?' his head bobs up and down as he sticks his arm out in front of him, tears falling slower now.
'Oww!' he whimpers, gazing up at me.
'I'm sorry, I know it hurts Adam but you have to be brave, yeah? Can you be brave for me?' he nods and allows me to look at his wrist with minimal whimpering. I lean over and grab a kids-size gown from the pile in the corner of the room. 'Now I want you to change into this, and we're going to get a big machine to take pictures of your wrist to see if it's broken okay?'
'Can I see Katy then?' he asks, extending his arms into the air so that I can lift his T-shirt over his head.
'I'm not sure sweetie, but I'm sure you'll see her real soon okay?' I reassure him, and as I pull his top over his head, I see them. Big reddish-purple bruises marring his otherwise pale skin. Dotted over his abdomen, his upper arms, a couple on his back…every single one in a place where they couldn't be discovered.
Damn.
'Adam, can you tell me where you got these bruises from?'
'No, no…no! I'll get in trouble, she said if I told people…they'd get worse' he whispered agitatedly, a fresh stream of tears pouring from his eyes.
'You're safe here Adam, no one's going to hurt you. Now who's she?'
'…Mommy' he whispers, with a hint of knowledge and maturity that just shouldn't be present in a five-year-old boy.
I take a deep breath to steady my emotions – this is just too similar to things I've been through. The exact same age difference between Adam and Katy, and Eric and me. All with a mother who's abusive…in different ways, granted, but abuse nonetheless.
I sigh and slide his T-shirt back down, ruffling his hair gently.
'Everything's gonna be just fine Adam, I promise you. I'm just going to go talk to someone, and check on your sister. I'll just be right outside, and I'll only be a couple of minutes' I say, watching as he curls up into a little ball, catching a brief nod of his head in response to my statement.
I step out of the room, giving the door a gentle tug so that it swings shut, just as John elbows his way out of trauma one, ripping his gloves off in one swift move.
One look in his eyes and I know it's bad news. Mind you I'm sure he's getting much the same message from my own eyes.
'Time of death 15:42' he says softly, holding his hands out in a wide gesture. 'Uncontrollable bleeding to the brain…she didn't really stand a chance, whatever the hell happened to her, poor kid was as good as brain dead when they got her here'
I sigh, leaning forward so my forehead touches his shoulder, needing some kind of physical support. Mere seconds later I feel his hands around my waist, steadying me, keeping me upright…exactly what I need right now.
'It's the mom' I whisper, and he stares at me, almost incredulously. 'Adam, the little boy. He has bruises all over his body, every last one somewhere that's hidden by an article of clothing. He said she threatened to make them worse if he told anyone' I tell him, sighing. I feel his hands rub my waist gently, which you'd be surprised by how reassuring it is.
'Have you called social services?' he asks softly. I shake my head, gripping his hand tightly. 'And now I have to summon up the words to tell him he's never going to see the one person who protected him again'
'Too close to home?' he asks, barely louder than a whisper. I shrug, looking up at him for the first time.
'Yeah, but I'm not leaving him now. I think he finally trusts me, and I'm not abusing that. I know what that can do to a child'
'Okay. Come find me if you need help, or to talk, or anything' he says gently as I drop my head back to his shoulder once again. He rubs my back before giving me a gentle push back in the direction of exam two. I stop at the door, turning to him once again.
'Can you…call social services and bring them in when they come? They'll need a doctor's examination and I'd…rather it was you…?'
'Consider it done'
He's got a knack for making me feel a million times better. Ever since that night on the roof, when I was the young, innocent med student…well, maybe not so innocent…or so young, but still he made me feel better.
"Brrr! You know, there's warmer places to be alone. There's the furnace room in the basement, and the incubators up in the NICU."
"I'd like to see you in an incubator in the NICU."
"I'm happy to try!"
Every time.
Not that I'm complaining. Because it helps…gives me some perspective I suppose. But now I've got to go in there and somehow keep my emotions under wraps while I tell Adam his sister's died.
Only problem is, I don't think I can do that. Don't get me wrong, you know, I've heard John's speech about making the choice between keeping or losing your emotions when you work in a place like this, and cheers for the offer but I'd prefer to leave this place after every shift with my emotions fully intact, if you don't mind.
But sometimes it just sucks.
And you have to be in a situation like this to truly understand that. I have to admit I disagree with that notion that putting your emotions on the backburner 100% of the time is the best thing to do. Sometimes you've just got to let the emotions rule, let your feelings do the talking.
I know, I know, I don't exactly set the best example for that piece of advice.
What can I say, do as I say not as I do? Yup, pretty much sums it up. Its not that I don't want to do that, it's just…sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes the words, the emotions, the feelings…they just want to stay bottled up inside.
Yeah, I know, it's more than likely me bottling them up than them keeping themselves bottled up but…
Damnit, Abby, stop procrastinating. This isn't going to do any good, this standing in front of the door with your hand poised ready to open it, yet doing nothing to physically complete the relatively simple action of opening the door.
'Abby, Abby, Abby! Can I go see Katy now? Please?'
'Adam, honey, calm down a moment. I've got to talk to you. Okay, just sit back down Adam, please' I say softly, settling myself down on the corner of the gurney. He crawls up to sit next to me, waiting expectantly for whatever news I'm about to impart…just a shame its not good news.
'Why do you have that funny look on your face?' his voice penetrates my thoughts, and I give him what I hope is a relatively normal smile…hope being the operative word there, you understand.
'Adam, you know your sister was very sick when we brought her here don't you?'
'Yeah, but she's better now right? They've made her better, like they said they would, right?' he looks up at me, and his wide-eyed expression sends me crashing back to any one of numerous occasions when Eric would look at me with an almost identical gaze as he waited for me to tell him that everything was okay…
There's something about that expression. Whenever someone looks at you like that, you've always got bad news to impart. Always. 100% of the time, no doubt about it...whatever way you look at it, that look should be banned.
Forbidden, like the forbidden fruit.
Mind you, there are lots of things in this world that should be forbidden, a look doesn't exactly rate highly on the list.
'Well, Adam, sometimes when people are sick the doctors work very, very hard to make them better, to fix whatever was wrong. And sometimes, no matter how hard the doctor's work, that person won't get better…'
'But not Katy. Katy's fine. She is' he insists, nodding his head to confirm his statement, waiting for me to relent and tell him his sister is okay, that she'll always be there to look after him…
It's just a shame I can't.
'Adam, I'm sorry sweetie…your sister was too sick to save'
'No she wasn't…' he whispers, a look of pure confusion clouding his face. I nod slowly, watching his face carefully.
'She died Adam…' I murmur, biting my lip as I make one final attempt to keep my emotions under control.
'NO! No…' I can only watch as his body crumples, wracked with sobs as he collapses forward onto me. I hold him gently, until he lifts his tearstained face to say, 'but Katy said our hamster died…he just stopped moving and went all cold. That didn't happen to Katy, it didn't. She, she's gonna come in soon and everything will be fine'
'Adam, she's gone…and I know you'll miss her, but she loved you so much…and we're going to make sure you're okay…your mom won't be able to hurt you any more' I whisper, as the tears begin to fall down his face again.
But suddenly, something changes. He shakes his head violently, and opens his mouth, as his arms work overdrive to free himself from the gurney and my hold…
'Katy! Kaaaaaty! KATY!' he yells, as loud as his little lungs will allow. 'Where's Katy? I want my sister! Why isn't she coming?!'
I sigh, and catch his arms gently, waiting until his movements stop…
And I don't know how long we sit here, but suddenly the silence is shattered as the door swings open and John walks in, followed by who I presume are two social workers.
'Jane Williams, social services' the older, more distinguished woman introduces herself as. I nod a greeting, before sitting Adam back against the gurney. 'We'll need a few moments to talk to Adam alone before the medical examination, if you don't mind'
I can vaguely hear John conducting a brief conversation with them, before I feel his hand on my waist, leading me out of the room. As he closes the door I peer anxiously through the window, until he twists the blind shut.
'He's in the best hands Abby, you've done all you possibly could' he says softly, half-sitting on the counter outside the room.
'He didn't understand. I tried, and tried but I couldn't get through to him. He's convinced she's coming back…so I didn't do all I could. And now he'll be taken off to live with strangers. How is that possibly best for him?' I counter, turning to face him…and from the look on his face I know that I shouldn't be taking this out on him. 'I'm sorry…'
'He's getting away from an abusive parent, Abby. And I can tell you got through to him like I doubt no one else in this place could…there was nothing humanly possible that you didn't do. You can't perform miracles, you can't bring his sister back…'
'I know, I know…it's just hard. I got too attached' I whisper, knowing that he'll understand the significance of that. I can't help think about whether Eric would have reacted in the same way if this had happened to us…
And I realise that we were lucky. Because we had one another. We still do…
And Eric isn't the only person I have to rely on now. The other one is sitting right in front of me.
'You look exhausted' he offers, rubbing the back of my hand gently with his thumb. I shrug, nodding slightly.
'Would you mind if we…skipped the whole restaurant opening thing? I just don't think I…'
'There are other nights. In fact, it'd probably be better to go once the place is a little more…established, don't you reckon?'
This man is amazing, I swear to God.
'…You should go home, have a long bath and just curl up' he adds. 'Relax, pamper yourself, whatever.'
'Thank you…I just…' I begin, but he places a finger over my lips.
'You don't need to thank me. Just…call me if you need a shoulder to cry on or some company…anything'
'Dr Carter? We're ready for you now' Jane pops her head out of the door, at which John immediately stands up, giving my hand one last squeeze before following her into exam two.
I take a deep breath…and follow him.
Cause I can do this. I'm strong enough to do this.
