From the time Trinity came to Zion, I monitored her progress carefully. Nothing could go wrong - she had to be prepared for everything. Including me, or the new me. While the nightmares dissipated, my sleep was now interrupted by visions of her training. Dillard had warned me more than once that my attentions could arouse suspicious, and the last time I hovered ordered Demo to take me away from the monitor so I could not watch, Something would not let me be passive. This was my chance - I could serve Trinity better now as a mentor, or grandfather, than a lover. Part of me believed I could save her.
I did not think that my protectiveness and concern had grown excessive until the day Morpheus knocked on my door. He had submitted a request for Trinity to be placed full-time on the Neb. A request that I quickly denied. True, she had completed a year of training, considered sufficient for all new recruits. Still, I tried to reason with myself. She was a special case, even if only I and the council knew it. Could we be too cautious.
"May I have a word with you, Counselor Haman," Morpheus entered, and I could tell that he was trying to cover the anger in his voice. Still, his eyes blazed. I remembered that look from years ago, the Morpheus who mentored me. One of the peculiarities of the Matrix that I never understood was that it was designed to replay all of human history, including events that were out and out horrible. Wars, holocausts, massacres, every terrible facet of our behavior. Whether it was made that way to help us accept it, or to remind themselves of what we were capable of I was never able to figure out. Morpheus, in his younger years, was a victim of that programming. He served in VietNam at only 17, and it haunted him. This Morpheus seemed less effected by it, given his divine cause that he became all the more caught up in as the years went by. The Morpheus I knew was always haunted by the memories. I remembered one mission where he froze, almost costing Trinity and I our lives. We were fighting Agents when suddenly a helicopter came close, and I saw his eyes freeze over. Luckily Trinity managed to grab his collar and practically drag him to the exit, but I remember that his eyes never left that helicopter. Later, he told us that his unit was ambushed towards the end of his service, and he prayed to hear that sound of the chopper coming in close. That meant the medics were coming to drag them out of battle. Unable to defend themselves, he and his best friend in the unit ran into the jungle to wait. When the chopper finally did come, they ran for it. He jumped on and turned to give Joe a helping hand. Turning, he saw Joe's face was gone, removed by an enemy bullet.
"I saw it like it was happening." He whispered, drinking his drink a little more heavily. Dozer always kept a stash in the Neb, and we had doctored Morpheus' coffee with it. "These visions just don't leave." I didn't understand him then, but I do now.
"Yes, Captain Morpheus. How are things on the Neb." I tried to start off casual, but I knew to prepare for the onslaught. Morpheus respected my rank and my age, but he wasn't one to be veered off his path.
"I am a little confused by your decision to keep Trinity in Zion for training. She has completed the necessary year and has excelled."
I wish I could have told him what I knew. Lord knows I was tempted to more than once. Although I now was significantly older than him, part of me was still the frightened 11 year-old who clung to Morpheus in place of his own father. Still, I knew I couldn't. "She is also a little reckless." I began, but Morpheus cut me off.
"I just spoke to Counselor Dillard. She said she didn't see any reason for Trinity not to be on the crew. Given that she is one actually training Trinity, I think she could give the fairest evaluation."
Given what I knew of Morpheus, I should have known he would come into this conversation prepared. Damn Dillard.
"Dillard, when she fought, was reckless herself." I replied, knowing that it wasn't true. Dillard was ballsy, but she was never a fool. Still, what he didn't know..
"I don't think proper judgment can be taught in a simulation. She could learn in the Matrix some form of restraint. All new recruits are far more reckless in the Construct then they are in the Matrix." The hitch in his voice told me he was getting angry.
"Captain Morpheus. The girl has considerable skill. We could use a soldier like her, but she will not help further our cause if she gets herself killed her first time in serious conflict. Now, the Neb is scheduled to return to Zion in two months, newly freed notwithstanding. At that time, I will reevaluate the case. That is all." I looked down at my desk, pretending to be doing some paperwork. I didn't look up when Morpheus left, but I could tell he was furious with the way he slammed the door. Normally I would have called him on it, but I knew now wasn't just the time. Besides, even I was going to I would have be stopped by Dillard and Lilith, both storming into my office.
"Is my office suddenly a parade route?" I blurted out, throwing my pen down.
"I just had a discussion with Morpheus," Dillard began.
"And you of course then promptly shared that discussion with Lilith, and you are both now following your divine mission of setting me straight all the damn time!"
"Hey, you freed us." Dillard shrugged. "If you wanted wimps you should have looked elsewhere."
"Believe me, if this doesn't work out right that's the advice I'm giving Neo."
"Back off, Haman. Back off with everything!" Lilith thundered, shocked both Dillard and me. Normally, Dillard would be the one to explode. "You are attracting attention with your protectiveness, and we don't need that!"
"She's not ready. What happens to her if she has a run-in with an Agent now? What happens to all of this?" I defended myself. A pain in my hand let me know that I had pounded my desk. I was angry, angry at Morpheus, angry at them, angry at that damn cookie-baking program that got us all into this mess in the first place.
"Trinity has out-run every Agent handed to her in simulations almost from the beginning. The girl is getting antsy. She's a born warrior. Let her fight!" Dillard joined in, and for once she was the one keeping her cool. Lilith was still seething.
"She has to live long enough to fight." I had arranged for Dillard to train Trinity. Make her the warrior I remembered. At the time, I didn't think that the more she could fight, the closer she would be to death. Morpheus practically worshipped her, considered her his protégé and future hope to find the One. I wasn't sure I could trust him not to use her too harshly. This Morpheus was a Zealot, and it scared me.
"You can't keep her in a fucking cage!" Lilith exploded. "You can't do right by a woman you let die! She's gone. Your Trinity is GONE Haman! The best we can do for this one is prepare her for her future - and that is not going to happen if the most dangerous thing we have her do is count silver in the Mess hall!"
"How dare you!" I returned, furious. I stepped forward, and part of me was angry enough to strike her.
"How dare I? How dare you? You're not the only one who is involved here. We've all suffered to rebuild Zion. We've lied to our children, grandchildren. Damn it Haman, this little pact has all but cost Zora her sanity! Now, its this close to ending and you're risking it just to make yourself feel better. You're not mad at me - you're mad at yourself."
I felt myself shrink physically. Lilith's posture went from that of a tiger about to strike to her normal stance. Dillard put her hands on my shoulders, squeezing them.
"You have to forgive yourself Haman. You have to let it go or we all fail this time." Dillard said this gently, and I know that she was trying not to hurt me. "Remember, we fall through the ice when we try not to slip."
I nodded and broke away from her gaze. I looked at Lilith, and could see the trust the woman still had in me. Slowly I turned back to my desk. Trinity's assignment paper was where I left it. My arm felt like it was made of concrete as I signed them.

***"We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip" is from a song "The Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe.