Title: The Strength Within

Disclaimer: I don't own them, don't sue me!

Author's Note* Thanks to all the reviews! I'm always open for beta-ing!

            Sorry I couldn't answer reviews as quickly, FanFiction.net was

            Down, and I couldn't get in! Arrg!

~Chapter 2~

The teakettle began to make its irate scream. The sound managed to jog Kate out of her mind fog. She moved through her spacious apartment like a zombie in flannel sleep pants and oversized t-shirt.

'What do I do now?' she thought as she poured the steaming tea into a large mug. She flipped the light off in her kitchen, and moved to her couch. The only light filtered in from her large windows, giving the living room a silvery cast.

Darkness, that's what she felt like inside now. Slow, seeping darkness accompanied by a cold, gut churning case of the

"What-Ifs".

As she sipped her tea, she tried to think rationally.

"Ok, technically I shouldn't be that surprised. I mean, I missed my mammogram last year, so it's been two years since I've been checked. What if, I had had my mammogram, like I freakin' should have, and they found it earlier?" she tried to say to herself.

"And, I guess I already had another strike against me, genetics." Kate sighed deeply. She had seen her grandmother on her father's side die of breast cancer. And, to make matters worse, a great-aunt on her mother's side had also been diagnosed with breast cancer. Kate's own mother, although she had never had cancer, had always had problems with fibroid cysts in her breasts.  What if that's all this was? What if…

"God I don't have time to deal with this crap!" she exclaimed, a little louder than she intended. Now she was going to have to call the doctor first thing in the morning, well actually it was already morning, have a mammogram,.. and wait in the office, and all that crap. She got up and put her cup back in the kitchen, and walked back into her bedroom.

'Appointments mean missed work, which means Gibbs will have my ass. Which means, oh God.. he'll have to find out. Hell no, he does not get to be in my personal life, when he shuts everyone else out of his!' she thought.

What if the doctor decided they had to do a biopsy! She wouldn't be much use in the field with a sore shoulder and arm, and the last thing Caitlin Todd would ever allow herself to be is useless on the side-lines! She had worked too damn hard, and still wanted to prove herself to Gibbs that she could be the agent he wanted her to be. Damn, these What-Ifs can be killers.

Kate decided she would call the doctor in the morning before work and schedule an appointment for a soon as possible. She could stall Gibbs with an explanation, like an eye exam maybe. Boy, Tony would love that, she could just hear him zinging her about her needing an eye exam so she could finally shoot straight. Fun times..haha. Who knows, this could all be nothing really, just a false alarm and she'd have worked herself all up over something minor! As she lay down in her bed, quite certain that this would be a sleepless night, something else gnawed at Kate's gut. Aside from having potential problems with Gibbs finding out, aside from the possibility of having to quite a job she loved with all her heart,…Kate realized with a shudder, you can die from breast cancer. And it's a slow and sometimes painful death.

~*~

Sleep did not find Caitlin Todd that night. She finally decided to get ready and go in to work, early. Actually early was an understatement. She showered, fixed her hair and dressed, put on makeup in an attempt to cover the dark circles under her eyes, and was ready to go before the sun had barely broken the horizon.

"Oh well, Gibbs always came in early. Surely I won't look weird coming in, uhh.. two and a half hours early," she said to herself as she got into her car. It was bitterly cold outside, and steam rose from the hot chocolate she carried with her.

Once she arrived at NCIS Head Quarters, Kate noticed there were, in fact, a few cars already there. Thankfully, Gibbs' was not one of them. She pulled out her cell phone and dialed her doctor's number. The privacy of her car would keep prying ears from hearing her reason for an appointment.

" You can take me tomorrow morning? Is 7:30am the earliest I can get in?" Kate asked the receptionist. She wanted to get the mammogram over with as soon as possible, and miss as little work time as she could. She decided to call the NCIS Supervisor Morrow, and clear the time off with him. "Better to go through him than Gibbs. Gibbs would ask too many questions," she thought.

Agent Morrow cleared her request with out so much as a 'is everything alright', and Kate went into the building. Now she would have to spend another 24 hours, waiting and worrying. Man, this was shaping up to be a really crappy day.

"Agent Todd, aren't we meeting the day extra early, all bright eyed and bushy tailed?" Gibbs' unusually pleasant greeting startled Kate. She nearly knocked the file she was reading off her desk. Once Gibbs rounded the corner, he looked down at Kate. She did her best to avoid his scrutinizing stare. "Or, maybe not so bushy-tailed," he said as he noticed Kate's demeanor.

Gibbs moved and sat down behind his desk, all the while never taking his eyes off of Kate. She concentrated on the file about the stabbed lieutenant. "Katie, are you OK?" He said it so softly. Kate almost didn't hear it. She was really going to have to dust off her acting skills now.

"Fine Gibbs, just stayed up a little late doing paperwork." She forced a half smile as she looked up at Gibbs. She managed to get her eyes to focus on some place other than his eyes. His mouth, his nose, anything but his eyes. If he looked into her eyes, she knew she was screwed. It dawned on her that he had called her Katie. That was unusual, and he had said it with an almost endearing tone. She looked back to her desk.

Gibbs studied her. She looked worn completely out. She looked tense, like she could break down at any second, desperately trying to keep it together. He had never seen her like this, and it worried him. Gibbs kept his feelings underneath the professional "bad-ass Agent Gibbs" mask, with out much difficulty. But when it came to Caitlin Todd, he had to struggle to keep his feelings from showing through. He took a deep breath, willing his worry back under the mask, "Kate, you don't look fine, is there something..," but he was cut off.

"Hey Guys! Gibbs, thank you SO much for letting me go early last night! I went to this little bar after I dropped Kate off. Oh by the way Kate, your little dumpster-diving gig kinda left a funky smell in my car, I hope you showered again before coming to work this morning." Tony playfully grinned down at Kate, waiting for a witty reply. She did not even raise her head. He waited for a moment, and looked at Gibbs with raised eyebrows. Gibbs glanced at him, but turned back to Kate, also surprised she did not respond to Tony's baiting. Tony shrugged and continued to ramble on about some buxom blonde he met, until Gibbs gave him the "shut up or die" look.

The day seemed to drag on. They brought in the suspect whose prints were on the bloody knife Kate found. Kate stood off in the corner of the interrogation room, while Tony and Gibbs ran the interview. She took a few notes, but barely uttered a word, unless she was asked to do something. Her mind was full of the "What-Ifs". What if Gibbs found out, what would he think? What if he thought she was weak? He could take her off the team! Worse yet, what if he acted like he didn't care? Kate didn't think she could bare that, deep in her heart, she wanted so desperately for Gibbs to care,… about her. But all the "What-Ifs" came down to the big one. What if she had breast cancer?

"Kate, what do you think?"

"What, oh , uh, yea I believe he stabbed her and made it look like a robbery to cover up the affair," she said as she pulled herself out of her own thoughts. Wait, she wasn't quite sure what Gibbs was asking about! She chanced a look up at him as they made their way back to their desks. Gibbs' raised his eyebrows. "Oh great," she thought, "That's not what he wanted, and he's gonna think I was sleeping in there!"

"Well, actually I wanted to know if you though he was lying or not. But it seems we've already proven the affair from the interviews of his neighbors, and his prints were on the knife. But hey, that explanation will work for me," Gibbs said still watching Kate. She hadn't been with them, in mind as well in spirit all day. And he was growing more and more worried. But he just couldn't come right out and ask her about her personal life. That would be, well, dangerous, she might see through his mask. Gibbs didn't know what to do with these feelings churning in his gut and in his soul, and that made him very uncomfortable.

Tony was beginning to notice Kate's withdrawn mood as well. "Hey, Earth to Kate! You just pretty much closed this murder case! Even though its unattractive, shouldn't you be like, gloating right now?" Tony felt that would get a rise out of her for sure. Kate only looked up at him and shrugged slightly. Tony's million-watt smile faded, as he saw the fatigue in her eyes. He decided to leave it alone.

Kate had felt Gibbs' eyes on her while Tony spoke. She knew Gibbs was watching her reactions, all day. Gibbs studied people's reactions, almost like he could read minds. That's how he was also known as a walking lie detector. Kate knew she had to avoid conversation with him, or he would pick out her weakness, and grill her over it. She had done a good job of avoiding talking all day, except for the few one-word answers occasionally. She had felt his eyes on her all day, which normally would have made her blush. Kate also knew she was going to have to tell him at some point that she was going to be late to work tomorrow morning.  

After working on files and paperwork concerning the case for what seemed like forever, Tony finally stood. "Well gang, I think I'm gonna call it a day," he said as he picked up his backpack.  

"Oh you think you are, huh DiNozzo?" Gibbs said subtly.

"C'mon boss, the case is finished, all that's left is paperwork, and I can finish that tomorrow. Pleeeaase?" Tony put on his best puppy eyes. Those eyes, probably worked better on women.

"Go," was Gibbs' reply. As Tony bounded out of the bullpen, Gibbs figured this would be as good a time as any to talk to Kate. He took a deep breath, and looked at her. He felt a pang of worry stick his heart like a knife as he looked at her. She looked so depressed, and small, he wanted to touch her, comfort her in some way.

Kate knew they were alone. She knew she had to tell him she had an appointment in the morning, and she wanted to do it and run like hell out of the building. Better to just say it and leave, its not like Gibbs would care. The case was all but wrapped up. Just some paperwork, and making sure Ducky and Abby had all their reports in order for court. She gathered her briefcase together, so she could make a fast get-away.

"Kate, what's the deal?" Wow, that came out incredibly cold Gibbs thought. Sometimes he wished he could just suck the words back into his mouth. He swallowed and looked over at Kate.

"Deal?? What's the Deal?" the venom in her voice bit into Gibbs. Kate could not believe he just said that! Well, actually she could believe it. Gibbs could, after all, be the king of all bastards.

Uh oh, Mayday! "You've just been withdrawn, quiet, and well, not yourself all day. There's got to be something wrong Kate."

" I told you Gibbs, I'm fine." She gathered her belongings. "Besides, if it has nothing to do with NCIS, why should you care?" Kate winced at the acidity of her own words. But he did frustrate her so! One minute, she was just a team member, the next minute, he wants to get personal. She wished he'd make up his freakin' mind! She stood and looked at him.

Gibbs looked like she had punched him. He recovered and said, "Kate, when you come to work distracted by personal stuff, it does affect the team at NCIS. And I do care about that." Gibbs felt like slamming his fist on his forehead. He had now effectively made it sound like he had no heart, no feelings what so ever. Nothing could be further from the truth. He'd wanted to find out what was hurting Kate so much, and comfort her in some way, and now he had pushed her away even more. 'Way to go Gibbs, you IDIOT,' he thought. The look on Kate's face tugged on his heart even more.

Kate had no words. Her shoulders sagged a little more, her eyes locked with his. How could he be so cold? With all she had been carrying around today, Gibbs' emotional shutout was the straw the broke the camel's back. Tears stung her eyes, and she blinked a few times willing them away. No way was she gonna let him see her cry.  In a voice no louder and a raspy whisper, she held his gaze and said, "Yea, that's all you care about isn't it."

She turned and grabbed her bag and began to walk away. Gibbs couldn't believe what he had heard. How could she think that? But he did know how. Jethro Gibbs was very good at making people believe that his job was the only thing he cared about. He was too good at it, it had cost him marriages, and now a whole lot more. He finally found his voice.

"Kate! Wait that's not what I meant and you know it!"

Kate was almost in the elevator when she turned and held the door open. " Oh by the way," she said in her most professional tone, "I will be late to work tomorrow. Eye exam appointment, I've already cleared it with Morrow." And with that, she turned her back to Gibbs so he wouldn't see the tears, the steel doors closed slowly behind her.

Gibbs stood alone in the bullpen. Somehow the office seemed to have emptied with out him noticing. He felt an ache in his famous gut, telling him he royally screwed up. He stared at the elevator doors. He knew he cared about something, or someone much more important than his job. The trouble was, he didn't know what he could do about it.

~End Chapter 2~

Chapt. 3 will be coming soon!