Mary Sues
(based on "Peggy Sue" by Buddy Holly)

The Fellowship is being chased by screaming girls who don't read the books because of the big words. Finally fed up, Legolas turns around, points a finger at the girls, and begins to sing. The other members of the Fellowship sing back-up and dance about behind him.)

If you knew, Mary Sue, just how much I can't stand you!
Oh, Mary, you Mary Sues!
Oh, well, you drive me mad with your screaming, Mary Sues!

Mary Sues, Mary Sues,
Scary, screaming, shrieking, crazy Mary Sues!
Oh, Mary, you Mary Sues!
Oh, well, you frighten me more than the Nazgûl, Mary Sues!

Can't stand you, Mary Sues, in fact I'm quite scared of you!
Oh, Mary, you Mary Sues!
Oh, well, leave me be 'cause I need peace, Mary Sues!

Mary Sues, Mary Sues, oh, how I must run from you!
Oh, Mary, you Mary Sues!
Oh, well, I'm tired now, and I want rest, Mary Sues!
Oh, well, please honor that and just calm down, Mary Sues!

Legolas: (turning to the Company) Where did THAT come from?
Aragorn: (hurriedly) There's no time to ponder your question, my friend. RUN!
Frodo: (wide-eyed and panicking) May the Valar protect us all!
*The Fellowship continues their flight from the Mary Sues, who just might be rabid. Lab results are pending.*