A/N: Several of you said Chapter 22 wasn't showing up, so I reuploaded it.  I hope that worked.  I also sent the chapter to those of you who left emails in your reviews or have your emails in your profile.  I have no clue why it doesn't work, it works perfectly fine for me and some of you.  Anyway, I'm sorry and if you still can't see it, then just tell me and I'll send it to you ia email.

The party is filled with guests I've never met before. It's really easy to strike up a conversation with at least a dozen of them. We're not discussing debt relief in Wizarding London or anything like that, but it's a fun bunch of happy go lucky people who make me temporarily put him out of my mind.

I don't even notice he's gone until I go to use the bathroom upstairs and then see him emerging out of Lavender's bedroom. The "angry woman scorned" part of me wants to say something about how it's becoming a habit seeing him come out of other women's bedrooms, except he's holding his jacket in his left hand and his right is plastered to his cheek.

"What happened to you?"

"Nothing. I'm going to go home."

"Why?"

It's the first time in a couple of days that I've looked him in the eye, and it takes him by surprise, forcing an admission.

"She slapped me." He shrugs his shoulders.

"Lavender?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you tell her?" I shake my head at him.

"She cornered me, I couldn't take it anymore. It was worse than Cruciatus."

"She's just protective of me and has a shorter temper." Why am I essentially apologizing on her behalf?  Anyway, I could only hope Ron doesn't take it this bad.  I'm very angry, but I don't want Harry to be murdered.

"I'm glad. She's a good friend to you."

I nod. He used to be a good friend to me. The best, even. I know he's thinking that too.

"Okay then." It's not a sentence, but I don't know what else to say to him.

He offers me a tight smile and takes a few steps past me, then turns around, and looks at his watch.

"So, Happy New Year."

"You too."


"I uh, have something for you at home. Christmas present.  I got it before...you should still have it."

I just stare at him and the tears sting insistently.

"Well, I can give it to you tomorrow or whenever."

A couple of tears spill over and I challenge myself to look up at him. "Can you please go now?"

"Hermione, I didn't mean to make you cry. Damn, I am such a shit." He takes a couple of steps towards me and I immediately hold up my hand. I can't have him touch me. I don't need the reminder and I can't allow myself to revel in the comfort, because 5 minutes later, I'll remember why I'm crying in the first place and nothing will have changed.

"Can you tell me what to do?" He begs. "Anything, I don't care what it is, I have no shame, I'll do it."

I don't know what he's asking me.

"I know I deserve the silent treatment," he goes on, "hell, even my own mother ripped me a new one over this."

"She knows?" I'm so embarrassed now. I feel like a loser.

"She thinks I'm an idiot."

"I didn't think she liked the idea of us."

"It wasn't you, Hermione."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

"I don't want you to stand there, crying. What can I do? There has to be something."

"Just go." I whisper.

*



It's not how I imagined spending New Years.

 When I get back to the house, I hole myself up in my bedroom and sit there in the dark, waiting for the new year.

It can't be any worse than the old year, can it?

The neighbourhood is quiet and I can't stand the silence. I don't hear it; I hear all the things I said, all the things I shouldn't have said and all the things I wanted to.

It's a couple minutes to midnight and I close my eyes and wait for it to pass.

. . . .




Sometime around three, I hear her downstairs.

I know she will hate another confrontation but that doesn't stop me from getting to my feet and standing out in the hallway at the top of the stairs.

She sees me and sighs.

"It's late, Harry."

"Happy New Year."

"You said that already."

I hold out my hands to her and she sees the gift I'm holding.

"Don't."

"I want you to have it."

"I'd rather not."

"Please."

She looks up at me.

"Lavender offered to let me move in with her."

I close my eyes.

"Oh."

"I need you to stop this, Harry" she whispers. "I need you to stop."

"What am I doing?" I ask, truly bewildered. "I just want you to stop hating me."

"I don't hate you."

"Yes you do."

"No." She shakes her head. "If I hated you, this would be so much easier."

She brings her hands up to her eyes and wipes angrily at her tears.

"I hate me," I offer. "I really do." My voice breaks and I push the gift into her hands.

I stumble back towards my room and collapse on the bed.

. . . .




In the morning, she's gone.

There's no note on the fridge and my heart jumps into my throat. I run up the stairs and throw the door to her room open.

Her things are still here.

Relieved, I slump against the door. Her footsteps startle me.

"I thought you were gone." I stare at her.

"I left," she says wearily. "I threw some things in a bag and I got halfway down the front walk."

"You're back?" I whisper, afraid.

She nods. "I … you need to return this." She holds her gift towards me.

"You didn't open it," I say forlornly, my voice thick with emotion.

She closes her eyes.

"It doesn't matter what it is, Harry."

"I got it for you," I whisper. "It's… I can't take it back."

"Then give it to… someone else."

"There's no one else."

She looks away.

"Hermione, there's no one else."

"Did you tell her she was no one?" she asks. It's the first time she's asked anything other than her name.

"She knew, Hermione."

"She's smarter than I was."

"No." My voice is anguished.

She sniffles.

"No, you're right," she tells me. "I knew. I knew, Harry! And I let you convince me that I was wrong."

"Did it feel wrong, Hermione?"

Obviously, it is the wrong question to ask because she glares at me.

"You tell me, now that you have something to compare it with."

"It …" I shake my head. "It doesn't matter that I didn't sleep with her, does it?"

She laughs bitterly.

"No."

"I stopped."

"Because her mother walked in! So you lied to me, again!"

"Lavender told you."

"Yeah. See, you can say a lot of things about Lavender, but she's never lied to me."

"You don't believe me, that I didn't sleep with Stephanie?"

She's still holding the box out towards me and I ignore it.

"It doesn't matter," she shakes her head.

"Do you believe me?" I ask again. "Do you believe that I didn't have sex with her?"

She closes her eyes.

"I want to."

"You do."

Her eyes open and she looks directly into mine.

"I believe you. But it doesn't matter. I don't trust you."

"But you love me."

"No."

"Yes, you do. I can see it, Hermione."

"I want to hate you," she cries. "I need to."

"I'm sorry."

"Just take it." She thrusts the box towards me.

I shake my head, "It's yours."

"Bloody hell, Harry."

"Just open it. If you don't want it, I'll take it back."

She shakes her head but sees that I'm not going to relent. She tears at the wrap and lifts the lid on the box.

"It's a charm bracelet," I say stupidly.

"Yeah."

I point at it, my hands shaking.

"See, the quill? I got that one the day you had the idea to quit St. Mungo's and start your magazine. I was going to give it to you then.  And there's a puppy.  Like Bumpy.  And a snitch…and…"

She touches the metal and looks up at me, her eyes filled with tears.

"A heart."

"Yeah. Corny, huh?" I laugh self-deprecatingly.

"You had it engraved," she whispers, her voice catching.

I nod.

"Harry..."

"Please take it."

She shakes her head.

"I can't."

She steps forward and puts it in my hand. We make contact briefly and the bracelet falls to the floor when she pulls her hand away and runs from the room.

*



When Lavender offered me a place to stay, I thought it was a no brainer. He wasn't there and she's not the sort of person who would let me wallow and feel sorry for myself. Besides, she lives life one second at a time, unconcerned with the past and not too worried about the future.

I thought it was exactly what I needed.

So I went to bed, slept a little, then got up early enough to throw some stuff together. A couple of shirts and jeans, enough clothes to last me a few days, and then I thought I'd have time to come and pick up the rest of my things.

I also knew I'd never live with her permanently. Had I really meant it, I'd have packed the things that are important to me. Had I really planned on moving out, I'd have left that gift box on the dining room table, and severed all ties.

But I didn't. I took it with me because I knew for sure I'd be coming back, I just didn't think it would be this soon.

After our little confrontation, I walk outside and apparate straight to Lavender's place. 

"Hi."

"Hermione?  It's bloody early!  You staying now?" she rubs her eyes.

"No, I think I'll stay at home."  I could barely believe the words myself.

"What?! Why?"

"Because it's my house too." I say lamely.

"So?  Don't tell me you've already forgiven the bastard."

"No, I haven't let him smooth talk me. I'd have come back in a couple of days, and anyways, why should I be the one to move?."

She is still staring at me in shock.

"And I like my house."

"So kick him out!"

"It's his house too, Lav."

"Herm – "

"Lavender, I have to go.  Just trust me on this.  I'll talk to you later, and thank you so much for being my friend." 

She sighs.  "Okay, but my door is always open."

"Oh, every guy in London knows that."

She knows I'm teasing and she sticks out her tongue.  I laugh and return to my house in a slightly better mood.

He stays upstairs the rest of the morning, and when he comes downstairs to have lunch, he's surprised to see me there.

"You're staying?" I detect a definite hint of hope in his voice.

I nod.

"Thank you."

"I'm not doing it for you. It's my house too."

He walks over and takes a seat on his breakfast stool. "My mom sent us a letter, Happy New Year and all that."

"She's talking to you again?"

"She wants me to make things right again."

"Well, so long as you've got incentive."

"I'm not doing it for her." He steals my earlier phrase.

"Then for who? Us?" I say that mockingly.

"Yes."

"There is no us, Harry."

"There is. I just forgot that for a minute."

I get up and walk over to the window. I see Melissa and her boyfriend, looking very happy.

"Why did you do it?"

"I don't know. It's like the same thing was beat into my head while I was home. No, you can't, don't, shouldn't, won't work, can't work. And you weren't there so I could see how wrong they were."

"I can't be there keeping watch over you. I can't be wondering every time you go somewhere whether you'll remember me. It's not fair."

"You don't have to."

"But apparently I do."

"No, you don't. I learned my lesson, I learned," he gets up and stands behind me, "that you're it for me."

"So what, you needed to get it out of your system? One last foray into wild and uncharted territory?"

"It was a mistake. It won't happen again. Things aren't done between us."

I turn around to face him.

"You don't get to make that decision."

"You've already made it, Hermione."

He walks over to the hallway closet and pulls out the mop. "I'm going to clean up the place. Then I'm going to go out and get groceries for the week, and to pick you up dinner and dessert or something because it's still New Year even if you think I'm an asshole."

I'm left alone and I suddenly realize I still don't have Crookshanks and Bumpy.  I don't want to be a bother twice in the same day, so I leave the house and make sure to buy a pumpkin pie to give to Lavender as a thank you present.  I considered the package of booze, but I like Lavender, and I want her to be alive a bit longer.  Then I apparated.

"Son of a – quit scaring me like that!"  She''s already dressed and the place is relatively tidy.  It looks as if she had just had company.

"Sorry.  I came for Bumpy and Crookshanks."  I offer her my pie.

"Why are you letting him do this?" Is the next thing she asks me, as she automatically puts the pie on the table and jabs at it with a fork.

"Do what?"

"Pull you back in. It's giving him a free ticket to walk all over you if he pleases."

"I'm not letting him back in."

"Are you sure?" she's biting her bottom lip.

"It's ok, I can handle it."

Bumpy skitters clumsily along the tiles and attempts to climb up my legs.  Crookshanks saunters in nonchalantly and acknowledges me with a purr.  He looks a bit annoyed, probably at having to put up with a clumsy little dog and Lavender for so long. 

"I'm sorry, Crookshanks.  I hope Lavender hasn't corrupted you two."

"Oh yeah.  Crookshanks is the definition of 'party animal'." Lavender rolls her eyes.  Then she poked Bumpy in the nose.  "That little one kept falling in my toilet.  I had to keep fishing him out before he drowned."

I laugh and gather up my pets.  I tell Lavender I'll see her later.

"Wait!" she calls out suddenly.

"What?"

"I, um…I told Ron."  She confesses.

"WHAT!?"

"I think he might be over at your place by now.  I think he's pretty mad.  He stormed out of here."

"WHAT!?"

"Hermione, he wanted to know how you two were getting along and I couldn't lie – "

"Oh, Merlin…" I apparated so fast I almost splinched myself and my pets.

* * *

For the millionth time I curse myself for not being able to perform cleaning charms.  The damn mop just smears around everything.  I went into the hall closet to find something else to clean with when I hear the fireplace crackle. 

"Hermione?"

She wasn't home.  I head curiously towards the living room.

"Ron!" I greet him warmly.  He is climbing out of our fireplace slowly, taking care to dust himself off.  "I thought you wouldn't be back a couple days – "

But when he looks up, I know a nice "Happy New Year" is the last thing he wants from me.  He looks furious.

"Son of a bitch."

He knows.

"Ron – "

He darts toward me and he's so angry that it seems like I have a stampede of bulls rushing towards me.  Ron's fist clutches my shirt.

"You son of a bitch." He repeats in a dangerously calm tone.  "I told you.  I told her.  I said I would pummel you into oblivion, and I wasn't kidding.  Look." 

He pulled his wand out of his pocket and placed it on the side table.  "I don't need magic to hurt scum like you."

"Ron, listen to me, I've apologized over and over.  I'm so sorry, and I'm trying to make things right.  I wasn't thinking – "

"Bloody right, you weren't thinking!"

"I'm trying to make it right, Ron, I'm going to make it better!"

"It doesn't matter.  You hurt her.  No, that was beyond hurt.  You just proved everyone right."

"What?"

"She knew, you idiot!  She knew that the world wasn't going to like her with you.  She knew that everyone, even our mom, won't like you two together.  She KNEW because she's the smartest witch on the planet, but she threw that aside because she was in love with you."  His voice increased in volume with every word.

"Ron – "

"She knew that dumbass people considered she wasn't good enough."

"No." I whisper.

"Yes, Harry.  And when you screwed around on her like that, you proved them right."  Ron is yelling now.  His hair looks more like a raginf wildfire than ever before.  His eyes also seem to be blazing.

"I didn't want to.  I was wrong.  They're all wrong."

"It doesn't matter Harry, the stab wound is still there."

"You don't think I know that?  You don't think I know I may have fucked up the best thing in my entire life?" I finally explode. "Ron, I know!  I'm not some playboy who just screws with the next girl who bats their eyes 'just 'cause I can'.  I'm in love!"

"I should have stopped this at the beginning.  I can't believe I was happy for you.  I know the old you, Harry, and sometimes it's hard to stop habits."

"Ron, I wasn't you."

BAM!  His fist connects with my face and I know my nose was broken.  My head snaps back and I fall to the floor.  Ron grabs my collar and leans in close. 

"I never cheated on ANYONE, you bastard.  Don't you dare put you and me in the same sentence."

I stare up at him defiantly.  "One mistake doesn't mean I don't love her."

"It was one hell of a mistake."

The blood is starting to run down into my mouth and I wipe it away.

"I'm going to make it better.  I'm sorry, it's tearing me up inside, and she knows it."

"I don't want you to try, Harry.  You don't deserve Hermione."

I stay quiet, fighting the tears.

Then front door bursts open and Hermione rushes in holding Crookchanks and Bumpy.  She looks at the scene before her and drops the two pets, who scurry into the kitchen as if they know a storm is brewing.

***

"Oh, Merlin.  Harry!  Ron!" I run over and lean down to Harry's bleeding face.  "Ron, you broke Harry's nose!"

"He hurt you, Hermione, and he doesn't deserve you."

"Ron Weasley, please go home."

"Hermione – "

"Go home, Ron!  I'll talk to you later!"  Harry is awake and looking at us, but he won't say anything.  I take the throw on the sofa and use it to stop the bleeding on Harry's face.  I touch it gingerly and he winces, without making eye contact.

"Hermione, I want you to move in with me.  Or Lavender."

"Ron, I love you and you know that.  Thank you for caring, but you shouldn't have hit Harry!"

"Why not?  Just come on, let's go."  He made a move to grab at my arm, but I pulled it away.

"I'm not going anywhere." I hiss. 

Ron looked offended.  "We're only looking out for you, Hermione."

"He's your best friend, Ron.  Don't talk about him like he's some Azkaban inmate."

"But – "

"Ron, please, can you just go over to Lavender's and mind your business for a bit." I say exasperatedly.

"Do you still love him?"

There is a heavy silence.  Harry finally decides to look up into my eyes and Ron seems to bore holes into my head with his stare.  I still need to figure out if I am 100% sure I want to throw this relationship out like yesterday's garbage.  He admitted to fooling around, I reason. He told me. He didn't have to and I probably never would have found out. But he told me. He took a risk and still he told me. Ripped my heart out in the process, but he told me.

I'm already down to 99%.  Ron is watching my expression closely, and I know I can't hide anything from him.  He sighs and rubs his forehead as if he just developed a headache.

"Ron, just go."

He snatched up his wand from a table.  "Fine.  I'm staying at Lavender's for a while, you know where to find me."

I sense a hint of disappointment in his voice.

"Are you mad at me?" I call before he goes.

Ron turns around.  "No."  Then he leaves.

I realize he was facing both of us, and I wasn't sure of whom he was talking to.

*



I convinced her once, I can do it again.

These are my thoughts as I walk around buying food after Hermione silently healed my nose.  Without a word she had my nose back to normal and went straight to her room without looking back.  Now I'm walking around shopping for dinner, for food that she likes.  I know about her tastes because I love her.

The stakes are higher this time. I know that now, too. The last time, with that list, I was trying to prove a point. Yes, I had feelings for her and looking back, I know that those feelings were this. I know now that I loved her all along.

This time, I want her back, not because I screwed up and I need to redeem myself. It's not about fixing some tarnished image. I want to fix this because I hurt her and I don't want to do that anymore.

I spend the afternoon doing all the things I said I would. When she comes downstairs late in the afternoon, I'm in the kitchen finishing up with dinner and she shakes her head as she fills a glass with water.

"You're cooking?" she asks.

"I told you I was going to supply dinner."

"You didn't tell me you were going to try to kill me."

I hold my breath, afraid to participate in anything that remotely resembles banter.

"I could put some mint in mine if you'd like," I tell her and she laughs despite herself.

I can almost see the change in her as she remembers herself.

"I'm actually not very hungry," she mumbles. "I'm just going to go upstairs and read."

"You have to have some desert at least," I try.

"It wasn't a very happy new year."

"I know. But you should still have some food."

I don't apologize. She knows.

"Are you going to make me eat dinner first?"

I shake my head. "I can't make you do anything, Hermione."

"Thank you."

It's awkward, but at least it's approaching civility.

I take the cake out of the fridge and she smiles.

"Chocolate."

"Yeah."

"Looks good."

"It isn't for me."

She stares.  "So why – "

"It's for you. I know you like it so…"

"You're not going to eat any?"

I shake my head. "No, it's okay."

"I can't eat an entire cake myself," she reasons.

"Have Lavender or Ron over or something."

"After they each hit you?"

"I deserved it."

She doesn't disagree with me, but gives me an odd look.

"You don't have to do this," she says after a minute.

"Yes, I do."

She sighs, "Harry, you can't just buy me a cake and cook me dinner and mop the floor and we're okay."

"I know."

"Then why are you doing it?"

It's my turn to sigh.

"Hermione, you're talking to me."

She looks away from me.

"That's more than I had yesterday."

"Harry…"


"I proved to you once that I was worthy of you."

"That was different."

"Maybe."

"It's not about proving that we should be together this time, Harry."

I nod soberly.

"I know. This time it's about proving that we shouldn't be apart."

She closes her eyes.

"I can't do this."

"I made a mistake, Hermione. I hate myself for it. But I can't say that I'd change anything."

She stares at me.

"I didn't deserve your love before. I didn't know what I had. I took you for granted."

"Yes, you did."

"I took us for granted. So I didn't deserve it. I know how much it means now, Hermione. I know that because of what happened. And maybe that means that you'll hate me forever, but it also means that I know now that I'll love you for just as long."

I'm quiet now, waiting for her to tell me that it's pointless, waiting for her to tell me that it doesn't matter if I love her; she doesn't love me and all this has made her realize is that she never did.

"Harry…"

I wait.  Here it comes…

"I'd rather have something other than chocolate."