A/N: I had to take some artistic license on this one, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. Have fun.
You Don't Mess Around With Jim
(based on "You Don't Mess Around With Jim" by Jim Croce)
Mordor has its Nazgûl,
Orthanc's Orcs can brave the sun;
Moria's mines have Big Jim Balrog,
An' he's a flame-shootin' son of a gun.
Well, he's big and dumb as a demon comes,
But he's stronger than a country hoss,
And when the Mine Orcs all get together at night,
You know they all call Big Jim "boss"
Just because; and they say,
You don't tug on Saruman's cape,
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't draw your sword on the Mouth of Sauron,
And you don't mess around with Jim.
(Ba do da do dodododo dododo do)
Well, through the west gates one night there came a wizard man,
He said, "I'm lookin' for the demon Jim.
I'm just a-passin' this way; my name is Gandalf the Grey,
But in the Shire they call me Slim."
He said, "I'm lookin' for the cat that's known as Durin's Bane;
He's got a whip that's made of fire.
He's tryin' to kill all my buddies, and it may sound funny,
But it's raised this wizard's ire."
And they said, "Jack,
Don't you know that..."
You don't tug on Saruman's cape,
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't draw your sword on the Mouth of Sauron,
And you don't mess around with Jim.
(Ba do da do dodododo dododo do)
Well, a hush fell over the dwarf-halls
When Jimmy come boppin' up from the deep,
And when the battle was done, the only part that wasn't bloody
Was the soles of the demon's feet.
Yeah, he was torn in about a hundred places,
And he was stabbed in a couple more,
And you better believe they sung a different kind of a story
When Big Jim missed the floor.
And now they say:
You don't tug on Glorfindel's cape,
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't draw your sword on that ol' lone Ranger,
And you don't mess around with Slim.
(Ba do da do dodododo dododo do)
[spoken]
Yeah, Big Jim got his, cat; find out where it's at,
And it's not killin' wizards strange to you,
Even if you do have a flame-throwin', whip-wieldin' point of view.
You don't tug on Glorfindel's cape,
You don't spit into the wind.
You don't draw your sword on that ol' lone Ranger,
And you don't mess around with Slim.
(Ba do da do dodododo dododo do)
