Bad Luck for Bad Luck?
Part 8: Resolve
People began arriving in droves. The funeral was much like the wake; family and then visitors rang the altar bell and offered incense. The clatter of prayer beads was a pervasive sound in the temple while Tatsuha read the sutra. Eiri almost wished he had Shuichi's ability to zone out, ignoring all the little details. His brain didn't stop noticing small things about the atmosphere; the sounds of prayer beads clicking, an occasional loud cough, a flash of light from a lady's earring, or even what clothes people had chosen to wear. Eiri took note of who cried, of who had bored expressions, or who checked their watches covertly. He took it all in, unable to stop. Each detail was searing itself into his memory.
Everyone bowed at the conclusion and Tatsuha sat down. Normally, the ceremonial officiate would have left the room. Eiri's turn came next. He stood and thanked everyone for coming. In a surprisingly clear and steady voice, he read telegrams from friends and relatives expressing their sadness and regrets for the family. He stood aside then, allowing people to have one last view of the old monk and to put flowers in the casket if they wished. When everyone who wanted to was finished, someone from the mortuary came and nailed the coffin shut. It was so final. Eiri felt so very cold.
Everyone stood at attention while the casket was taken away. It was loaded onto the hearse, which resembled a small rolling temple. Mika and Tatsuha climbed into Eiri's car and he drove them all to the crematorium, following the hearse. There, the three of them dutifully watched the casket slide through the portal where it would be burned down to ashes. An attendant locked the portal and handed the key to Eiri. He informed the family they could come back for the remains either this evening, or the following day. On the premise of 'getting it over with', Eiri told the man they would be back in the evening. Then they went home to wait.
The temple was busier than Eiri had ever seen it. Guests scattered themselves all over, throughout the temple and over the grounds. From a bird's eye view, Eiri thought the people would look like a giant splattered blob of ink that spilled from the temple and oozed across the lawn, because of all the people dressed in black.
It was actually a nice day with a sunny sky and high, infrequent clouds and a comfortable January temperature of 56 degrees. The weather mocked the aura of a somber funeral and made the scene a bit surreal. Eiri accepted condolences and shook hands with people; performing a role.
Inside, guests clustered around the catered buffet of otoki, too. 2 Although Eiri didn't feel like eating, Shuichi brought him a plate, encouraging him to eat. Shu whined and nattered at Eiri until he ate just to make Shu happy. Eiri chewed slowly, feeling the texture of the food without tasting it. It was an odd experience, as if his senses were skewed. Shuichi kept flicking worried glances at him and told him absurd work-related stories to fill the repressed crush of silence surrounding him.
Ryuichi seemed happier amidst people. He interacted sociably with the guests, but stayed close to Tatsuha, and kept his rabbit closer. Tatsuha looked like he was performing, as Eiri was. The writer knew the signs. Mika was kept in a protective knot of female relatives. She didn't bother to pretend— she let herself fall apart. The situation was different for men.
Tohma gave his condolences politely to each of them. Then he left. Seguchi could tell that he was no longer welcome here. The old man had liked him well enough before . . . but Eiri wondered if the old man had liked his son-in-law just before he died. Mika wouldn't say whether she had talked to their father about the impending divorce.
As the day wound down, the guests trickled away. The aunt and two cousins who had manned the reception table presented Eiri with the registry book where each guest and gift had been carefully recorded. Eiri also accepted the koden, or condolence money, on behalf of the family. The envelope holding the money was wrapped neatly with a thin black and white ribbon. Everything about this day was steeped in symbolism, Eiri thought. Each visitor would have contributed to the final sum written on the envelope itself. Eiri figured it would take the better part of the week to send small thank you gifts and notes of appreciation to those who attended.
Eiri thanked, and paid or tipped all of the people who had contributed to the ceremony, or helped the family during the past couple of days. Their faces were recognizable, but meaningless to him in the sea of blackness. It seemed as if the day had passed in an avalanche of stillness in his mind. Eiri reflected on the event as he stood by the pond, smoking. The sun was setting and he felt very calm; detached. Everything had simply crashed around him, leaving him cold, but solid, in the wake of motion and industry. He felt a bit like an amateur puppet master; in charge of his own body, but in a distant, slightly clumsy way.
"Eiri?" Shuichi came to stand at his side. Eiri didn't think the kid was asking a question. It sounded more like asking permission to be close. He reached out and put one arm around Shu's shoulders, holding him comfortably. His lover snuggled against him, wrapping arms loosely around his waist.
"Not much has really changed," Eiri mused aloud. Shu shifted against him and Eiri elaborated. "Tatsuha will run the temple now. We'll go back to Tokyo and . . . everything will go on as before."
"That's not really true, Eiri. It'll be a lot different— at least for Tatsuha. For Mika, too. She planned to come back home to live away from Seguchi Tohma. Now that your father is gone, isn't a big chunk of home gone, too? It's no wonder she's so lost," Shu said sadly. He paused and asked, "Isn't it really different for you, too, Eiri? I know it would be really weird for a while for Maiko and I if something happened to our mom or dad— and you guys only had your dad."
He's right, Eiri thought. He sank down on the grass, bringing Shuichi with him. Shu sat in his lap like a child and they both looked over the pond, watching the red flickers of sunset fade to darkness in companionable silence. They were each giving and getting comfort in being together. There was no indecision in Eiri tonight, about whether he did or did not want Shu with him.
"It's not your fault, you know," Eiri told him quietly.
"Huh?"
"Bad luck."
Shuichi moved, turning to face him with large blue-violet eyes that shined even in the dim light of the house's lanterns. "Eiri? Do you believe in bad luck?"
Eiri smirked and blew smoke, answering, "Only as a band name."
"Then you don't think I caused problems for you?" Shu didn't even question why Eiri had broached the subject. The singer was probably used to Eiri figuring things out before the kid told him. "If I hadn't asked you guys for a blessing, then maybe I would have suffered the consequences of my own— "
"Shut up. Listen," Eiri ordered. Shuichi looked at him, waiting. Eiri had decided that in order to convince his gullible idiot lover of his own innocence, he would turn the tarot woman's words back on her. "Weren't the tarot cards for both of us, 'the Lovers'?"
"Well, yeah . . ."
"And aren't you suffering now, for my sake?"
"No!" He protested, "I chose to be here for you! I'm not suffering— "
"You're not having fun, either."
"Uh, no . . ."
"What if something bad had happened to you?" It hurt to even think about that. He held Shu against himself. "That could have been worse."
"Uh, maybe . . ."
Eiri nodded. "That hag said that the bad luck would come from outside sources, right? She never said that it was your fault or that you would cause trouble. Did she?"
"I- I guess not."
"And didn't she say something about a good outcome after disaster?" Eiri couldn't really see a good outcome from his father's death, unless it was the fact that his dad would stop badgering him about certain things . . .
"Did she?" Eiri nodded. Shu rested his head against Eiri's shoulder, relaxing his body. "You're right. You usually are. I'm glad you're not mad at me. I didn't want to cause trouble for the old man, 'cuz I thought he was kind of alright, even though he did try to get you to marry Ayaka," Shuichi's voice started to rise with his remembered outrage. ". . . And he was always trying to get you to shave your head . . . !" Shu reached up to touch Eiri's blond hair. Old Uesugi had always seen his eldest son's coloration as 'un-Japanese', but Shuichi was enamored with it— with everything about him. Eiri kissed his lover, reaching out to touch the singer's soft, unnaturally pink hair. This action not only shut the kid up; it let Eiri express how much he loved Shuichi without words.
Before returning to the crematorium, Eiri changed into regular black clothes, and so did Tatsuha. The monk performance was over for now. Eiri didn't want to look at those robes right now. Shuichi and Ryuichi stayed behind, at the house. Strangely, he did not have any misgivings about leaving the two bizarre singers temporarily in charge of the house and temple. Both of them had been subdued today. Still, Eiri wished he could bring Shu along. Only family were permitted.
At the crematorium, the portal was unlocked and the ashes were slid out. It was all very . . . sterile, simplistic. An attendant passed out little paper-wrapped packages of plain wooden chopsticks to each family member. The man scooped ash into the urns they had chosen and stood over the siblings, pointing out the important bone fragments from feet to head. Using the chopsticks, Eiri picked up each piece and passed it directly to Mika's chopsticks. She then passed the bone directly to Tatsuha's chopsticks and he laid each piece into the urns that would be the old man's final corporeal resting place. The most important part was the adam's apple, because it had the shape of Buddha. That part was placed carefully on the top of collection and then a skull fragment topped it off. They filled the two urns simultaneously in this manner. The urn with the adam's apple would go in the temple and the other one would be placed next to their mother's remains in the small family graveyard out back. The attendant stuck lids on each urn and they were wrapped in white cloth.
The family took the urns home, placing one in the temple with the remains of the other Uesugi patriarchs who had run this temple through the ages. The second urn would rest in the house until the tombstone was ready. Eiri had made arrangements for one with space inside of it for the urn. He would have to set up and post a schedule for gravesite visitation. Maybe Tatsuha should? Eiri only wanted to return to Tokyo and put this behind him. He was good at forgetting about things he didn't want to remember. If Eiri left, though, he would have to come back to Kyoto for the seventh day purification ritual. Considering how much still had to be taken care of here between now and then, Eiri doubted there was any point in going home yet.
He didn't want to be here, but he didn't see much choice around it. Fortunately, this place would be Tatsuha's responsibility soon and Eiri would be able to walk away from it entirely. Since his father's death, the temple gave Eiri the creeps more than ever. It had always seemed like a heavy, burdensome place. Now, it was like . . . an empty, gutted place in addition to being a burden. He would be glad to leave.
Laying the urn in its temple resting place, Eiri's thoughts took a morbid turn. In the future, Tatsuha would be put in the temple, too. Eiri's own remains would probably be stuck in the ground with family. What about Shuichi? Eiri wondered with a sudden pang. His father's funeral made Eiri consider how ephemeral life was. Aspects of familial status were disturbing to Eiri, too. Shuichi had been excluded from the kotsuage 3 and from taking part in the funeral directly, as family. Eiri felt Shu was entitled to the status of a spouse for formal situations like this, but tradition said Shu wasn't officially Uesugi, no matter how well he was accepted by the immediate family. If something happened to Eiri, customs would force Shuichi into the role of 'friend'. That was unacceptable, Eiri decided. Shuichi was too precious to Eiri to be denied formal relationship status. Eiri resolved to find a way to fix this oversight. As if I don't have enough to think about, Eiri scolded himself.
1 56 F 13 C
2 Otoki vegetarian dishes traditionally served at memorial services.
3 Kotsuage gathering of the ashes.
