"DARIAN"
Excerpt 02:
"A-maze-ing Jealousy"
INTRODUCTION:
What if: Daria and Quinn were both born as boys?
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
Modelled after the original Daria Episode 107 "The Lab
Brat" written by Peggy Nicoll. I have used the actual script, which I have
used/borrowed/stolen without permission from "Outpost Daria". That is why
certain dialogues and events are repeated, but not all.
OPENING SEQUENCE
MUSIC: "YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK" BY SPLENDORA
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – SCIENCE CLASS WITH MS. BARCH
Ms. Barch is teaching her class.
BARCH:
Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another
example of reinforcement? Kevin?
KEVIN:
Uh...
BARCH:
Shut up, Kevin. Darian? Reinforcement?
DARIAN:
Hmm… to make a child stop…
BARCH:
Shut up Darian! Brittany?
BRITTANY: (rudely wakened from her vacancy)
Uh…
BARCH:
Ah hell Darian…
DARIAN: (sights)
To make a child stop, a mother might say: "That's it! I am sending
you to El Paso to live with your real parents."
So whenever the child gets upset, the mother might wave an airline
ticket in her face, or maybe even frame it on the wall by the astronaut
picture. The ticket stops the boy from crying, or showing any emotion...
ever.
BARCH:
Right, that is...
DARIAN:
Years later…
BARCH:
SHUT UP! Brittany may have now a clue.
BRITTANY:
Uh…
BARCH: (sights)
Kevin!
KEVIN:
Uh…
BARCH:
Darian!
DARIAN: (mocks)
Uh…
BARCH:
Right! Darian you are Brittany's lab partner.
BRITTANY:
Eep! What? But Kevin and I were never separated on a lab project before.
BARCH: (ignoring her)
You and Darian will design a maze to condition a mouse using positive
or negative reinforcement. Maybe you can learn something from him.
DARIAN: (mocks)
Uh…
KEVIN:
Damn! This sucks!
BARCH:
SHUT UP! Kevin you will be Charles lab-partner.
UPCHUCK: (quiet)
Damn! This sucks!
KEVIN: (threatening quietly Darian)
Don't dare to lay your hands on her. I am having my eyes on you.
DARIAN: (mocks)
Uh… Well, now I am excited.
BARCH:
Shut up, Darian.
INT. LAWNDALE HIGH – CORRIDOR
Darian walks along with Upchuck.
UPCHUCK:
You have hit the jackpot, Darian. You are a lucky man. Oh what would
I give to take your place. Living trough passion while constructing a maze.
Blooming into a torrid affair, which shall remain a little sweet secret.
As it must.
DARIAN:
Of course it must: Since Kevin has threatened to introduce me with
Kurt Cobain.
UPCHUCK:
That is only a verbal deterrent. He always tells that to anyone who
might come too close to his prrrrrrecious Brittany. Personally, I would
take the risk, even if he does make an end to my life.
DARIAN:
I not. Things, which are that much fun, I rather do myself.
They both stop at Upchuck's locker.
UPCHUCK: (taking things out his locker)
And what if Kevin the Menace is obsolete? I can present you the key,
which can make this possible.
Upchuck handles Darian a stack of photos. It shows a couple kissing inside a cabriolet.
DARIAN:
Eww… That is Brittany?
UPCHUCK:
Yes, and she is with Sam Stack, the Oakwood Quarterback.
DARIAN:
Oakwood? They are the rivals of the Lawndale High, aren't there?
UPCHUCK:
Yes. The photos were made a couple of weeks ago, on that day, when
Brittany and Kevin broke up. I was fortunate to encounter their little
tête-à-tête.
DARIAN:
You mean Fortuna blessed you when you were stalking as usual in the
woods around Lovers-Lane with your telephoto-lens-camera.
UPCHUCK:
Yes. (beat) What do you think?
DARIAN: (handing him back the photos)
I think that in future I will always wear antiseptic gloves, when I
touch your personal belongings.
UPCHUCK:
For an acceptable fee, they are yours.
DARIAN:
Although I appreciate your *noble* intentions. I decline your offer
enabling me to blackmail a cheerleader. I have got no interests to get
lock into that kind of preternatural courtship.
UPCHUCK:
A preternatural courtship?
DARIAN:
Brain-Cheerleader. Cheerleader-Brain. Do now the bells of St. Mary
ring?
UPCHUCK:
But your are giving away the chance to have a feisty cheerleader as
a willing slave.
DARIAN:
I have already given away all my hopes and dreams, why should I care
about a willing slave…
Darian stops talking when Kevin passes by.
KEVIN: (blowing a threat into Darian's face)
Listen geek. If you come too near Brittany I will bust your you-know-what.
He walks off. Darian and Upchuck commence to make snide remarks behind his back.
DARIAN:
Well spoken Spartacus.
UPCHUCK:
Yeah, nice speech Mr. Lincoln.
DARIAN: (mocks hurt feelings)
Chuck! "Honest Abe" doesn't deserve such a comparison!
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Darian sits on the sofa and watches Sick Sad World.
SICK, SAD WORLD NARRATOR VOICE OVER:
It's 911 in the morning and 1-900 in the evening.
The phone sex/E.M.S. dispatcher! When Sick, Sad World returns.
Jake joins him on the sofa. He put his hand on Darian's shoulder and smiles.
JAKE:
Darian, my son.
DARIAN: (intimidated from this form of father-son bounding)
Uh-huh!
Darian turns with the remote the TV mute.
DARIAN:
With which new phenomenon I have just earned your unusual focused attention?
JAKE:
I heard you are working with a girl from your class on a science project.
I won't disturb you, because I will leave the house.
DARIAN: (wary)
Uhh, thank you, Dad.
JAKE:
And since Mom is working late and Quentin will be on a date, you both
have the house for yourself on this *special* evening.
DARIAN: (annoyed)
DAD! It is just a simple assignment on reinforcement.
JAKE: (twinkles an eye)
Certainly. Call it what you want.
DARIAN: (glares at him)
I have to demand to know your sources…
Darian sees how Quentin comes down the stairs.
DARIAN: (turns on the sound and changes the channel with the remote)
Look, Dad, the Pigskin Channel. Great big guys slamming into other
great big guys. Fun.
JAKE: (he stare at the screen)
Cool!
DARIAN: (stands up)
Excuse me.
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – DOORWAY – EVENING
He walks to Quentin, who checks his looks at a mirror.
DARIAN:
What exactly did you told Dad?
QUENTIN:
Not much, only that young people need privacy, when they meet other
people of the opposite sex.
DARIAN: (scowls at him)
And you will leave the house too? Dad told me you had a date.
QUENTIN:
Not quite. It will turn out, that I had to reschedule my date this
evening. So when you two will start to work in the garage on all that complicated,
technical stuff. Brittany gets bored and comes into a living room, finding
me with a bunch of chick videos I have just rented.
DARIAN:
So, you are using my school assignment as an excuse to date Brittany.
QUENTIN:
Actually it is only a couple of well-calculated coincidences, which
leads to an innocent movie evening.
DARIAN:
Sorry to quibble with your plans, but there is a little flaw in your
scheme. I intend to actually study with Brittany.
QUENTIN: (snide)
I always thought you never made yourself illusions.
DARIAN: (beat, afterwards more snide)
I hope for you, you haven't rented "Bambi", you always weep at the
end.
QUENTIN: (longer beat, then trying to be even more snide)
Oh, ha, ha, ha Darian.
The doorbell rings.
QUENTIN:
Door!
Quentin checks his looks in a mirror on a wall, then he opens the door for Brittany, who is dressed like a secret agent in disguise with dark sunglasses, black trench coat and a large hat.
QUENTIN:
Hey, Brittany.
BRITTANY:
Hi... Quentin…? Of course you are Darian's cool brother. I am so glad!
Now I don't need this disguise.
Darian glares behind Quentin at Brittany, while she takes her sunglasses and hat off.
QUENTIN:
May I help you?
BRITTANY:
Thank you Quentin.
Quentin helps Brittany to takes her trench coat off, revealing her
cheerleader outfit. They walk into the living room.
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
JAKE: (examining Brittany's assets)
… Whoa! Good catch.
DARIAN AND QUENTIN: (aghast)
DAD!
JAKE: (defending himself)
Uhm… I mean the football game on the Pigskin Channel.
(he switches the TV-set off)
I think I better leave now… Have fun with her… Gah! I mean have fun
with your science project!
Jake leaves the house, watched by the three teenagers.
QUENTIN:
Well Brittany, if you want a soda or anything, there is some in the
fridge.
BRITTANY:
Thanks Quentin. I am kind of thirsty. Could you, like, put some ice
in it?
QUENTIN: (sincere)
How many cubes?
DARIAN:
Uhh Brittany.
QUENTIN: (to Darian)
Shouldn't you be working on your project? You know, teaching a mouse
to fetch or whatever?
DARIAN:
Looks like there's plenty of fetching going on already.
(sights)
Brittany, follow me, you ought to see the mouse. It might only got
24-hour to live.
BRITTANY:
Oh! No! That poor mouse.
Darian and Brittany go into the garage, leaving Quentin alone.
QUENTIN:
But how many cubes?
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – GARAGE – EVENING
Brittany and Darian enter the garage. Brittany notices a little
blackboard behind a table carrying a little wooden maze and a mouse-cage
on top. Further she notices opposite the blackboard and the table, a little
desk and a chair. The setting of the furniture reminds her of a classroom.
Darian closes the door behind them.
BRITTANY: (suspicious)
Now listen, if you are trying to have me for a sick perverted role
playing game, you will be in deep trouble.
DARIAN: (scowls at her)
This is not a game, Brittany. This is serious! At the presentation
on the end of this week, who will Ms. Barch ask questions? Somebody like
me, who has build the maze and knows the topic by heart.
BRITTANY:
Uhh, no. Not you, you are a man… well a boy.
DARIAN: (rolls his eyes)
Yes, and who will she ask?
BRITTANY:
Me... Eep!
DARIAN:
And can you tell her something about negative and positive enforcement?
BRITTANY:
Can I improvise?
DARIAN:
Do you mean like cheering with your pom-poms, while the mouse runs
through the maze?
BRITTANY:
Exactly. Wouldn't that work?
DARIAN:
Only if you are despaired to get an "F". Brittany, to be honest, our
grades do not depend from my maze but from *your* knowledge. So it
is in my interest to tutor you about the subject.
BRITTANY:
So you want to teach me about this reinvestment mouse… maze thingy?
DARIAN:
Yes, I will help you bear this burden, as long it is yours to bear.
Quentin opens the door, holding a big tray with a selection of sodas, a glass, a straw, a plate with lemon slices, a bowl with ice cubes, a jar with olives… etc.
QUENTIN:
Look what I made, Brittany.
DARIAN:
No crushed ice? I wouldn't put up with that if I were you.
BRITTANY:
Thank you Quentin, it is lovely. But I have no time for a drink, Darian
has agreed to tutor me about the mouse… Eep! Darian you said the mouse
might only live for 24-hour!
DARIAN:
Not quite. It has turn out, that it had to found new strength to live
on, when we both start to work in the garage on all that *complicated*,
*technical* stuff.
BRITTANY:
Okay! Let's start learning! Quentin, you can serve us the drinks later.
DARIAN: (smirks and pushes Quentin softly out the door)
And don't forget till then the crushed ice.
INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – CORRIDOR TO THE GARAGE – EVENING
Quentin sees how the door gets closed in front of him.
QUENTIN:
EWW! Dammit!
END CHAPTER 1
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