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BEGIN CHAPTER 2

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Rather bored Quentin watches a football game on TV. He hears the doorbell and stands up to answer the door.

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – DOORWAY– NIGHT
Quentin opens the door to see Kevin soaked with water.

QUENTIN:
Eww! Kevin. What happened to you?

KEVIN:
Upchuck made me change the water in his fish tanks! You know: For our science project, I didn't know that mice could swim.

QUENTIN: (annoyed)
Yes, yes whatever.

KEVIN:
Where is Brittany?

QUENTIN:
She is with Darian in the garage.

KEVIN:
Alone?

QUENTIN:
Alone.

KEVIN: (jealous)
ALONE!

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Kevin hurries through the living room but then he hears a familiar voice.

SPORT REPORTER VOICE OVER:
The Pigskin Channel! Classic football games! 24 hours a day! Every day! All this month!

Kevin legs didn't want to move. He gets drawn to the screen and sits down on the sofa.

KEVIN:
Good thing I have nothing planned. Hey Quentin! How about a soda for the team's Quarterback?

QUENTIN: (annoyed and sarcastic)
Anything else? A pillow perhaps?

KEVIN: (unaware of the sarcasm)
Thanks Quentin, just put the pillow behind my back.

QUENTIN:
Gah!

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – GARAGE – EVENING
A standing Darian is tutoring a sitting Brittany.

DARIAN:
… say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement", causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
Any questions, Brittany?

BRITTANY: (staring at her pen)
Yes… how they put ink in pens?

DARIAN: (beat, then deadpan)
With microchips.

BRITTANY: (impressed)
Microchips! Ohhhh! The scientists can really do a lot of things with potatoes.

DARIAN: (mutters)
I am starting to develop strong sympathies towards my teachers.

The door opens: Kevin steps in and sees Darian. He turns his head around.

KEVIN:
Hey Quentin, this is not the bathroom, this is the ga…
(He notices Brittany sitting on the desk and Darian standing like a teacher.)
I hope for you Darian, that this is not a perverted role-playing game or I will bust your…

BRITTANY: (cutting him off)
Nonsense Kevy! What ever made you think of that? We are studying the maze thing.

KEVIN: (suspicious)
Studying huh?
(He notices the table with the maze.)
Hey, cool maze! That must have taken, like, forever.
(He touches it and breaks off accidentally a wall.)
Oops. Sorry

DARIAN: (annoyed)
Kevin... I want you to put the door down and step away from the maze, and no one will get hurt.

KEVIN: (intimidating Darian)
Are you threatening me?

DARIAN: (being a bit intimidated)
Uhh no. Go ahead and break some more doors.

BRITTANY: (stands up and goes between them)
Ooh! KEVIN! Don't be such a … we were only studying. Like all the smart people do, like Albert Einstein and Marie Curie.

KEVIN: (angry)
Hang on! They were both dating in that movie "Einstein Junior"!
(clutches his fits towards Darian)
Why you...

BRITTANY:
Kevy! That was only a movie. Not like the real history, isn't it Darian?

DARIAN:
Brittany is right: Like every commercial movie "Einstein Junior" is only fantasy product by Hollywood. The historical facts get twisted to fit the audience expectations of the studio bosses. Like "Gettysburg", Titanic", "Schindler's List" and "J.F.K".

KEVIN: (calms down)
"J.F.K." is really not real?

DARIAN: (lying)
Yeah.

BRITTANY: (she takes Kevin by his arm and walks with him out the garage)
See! Now Kevy, come on. We leave now and on the way, Professor Brittany will enlighten you now with the difference of mice and rats.
(to Darian)
See you tomorrow at school Darian.

DARIAN:
Bye.

After they left the room, Darian realizes that he just got away from getting beaten up by Kevin, with help of ruthlessly huge historical blunders.

DARIAN:
Hmm. It is like stealing cheese from a mouse.

MOUSE:
Squeak!

DARIAN: (to the mouse)
Sorry no offence.

NEXT DAY

INT PIZZA PARLOUR – AFTERNOON
Darian sits with Upchuck at a table. They have pizza and soft drinks and are talking.

UPCHUCK:
…having Kevin around my house isn't that bad. Only yesterday he has shined my spoon collection, finished my shopping, and filed my magazines after the weight of the centrefold girls. I never thought of that.

DARIAN: (deadpan)
There is wisdom in even the most simple-minded creatures.

UPCHUCK:
And how was your evening with the prrrrrrecious, rrrrrrravishing, foxy, wouf, wouf...

DARIAN:
Finished yet?

UPCHUCK:
…luscious, sultrrrrrry, feisty Brittany.

DARIAN:
Hard work. All night I was up, thinking how they actually put inks into pens.

UPCHUCK: (dirty smile)
I believe that part with the hard work.

DARIAN:
I know you would say that. You know that teaching her, is like trying to fill a sea of knowledge, into a finger cup of a brain.

UPCHUCK:
I wouldn't mind, filling her with the pleasurrrrrres of biology.

DARIAN:
And Mr. Ruttheimer's libido strikes again! Anyway I can wash my hands in innocents, since Kevin the watchdog prevails me of any accusation of taking advantage of the ex-innocent girl.

UPCHUCK:
How about a deal?

DARIAN:
What for a deal?

UPCHUCK:
I could keep Kevin with some mazes busy, so you and Brrrrrrittany can enjoy some solitude.

DARIAN:
I decline your offer. I don't want that you sacrifice the all your mazes on the back of cereal boxes.

UPCHUCK:
Maybe I could get a wind-up dolly to distract him…

DARIAN: (evil smirk)
Thinking of it: Kevin's wind-up dolly is now playing with me.

While Upchuck starts to chuckle, Darian looks up and notice that Jane is looking at them.
She is carrying a tray with pizza and a soft drink and she must have followed the previous conversation because, she has an "All-Men-are-the-Same" expression on her face.
Ashamed Darian turns his face away.

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS JANE

Jane walks on and takes a seat at a table far from Darian and Upchuck, who are now about to leave. Meanwhile, while she start to eat the pizza, Jane notices a conversation between Brittany and Jodie, who are sitting behind her.

THE CAMERA PANS TO BRITTANY AND JODIE

At the other table, Brittany is peering over to Darian and Upchuck, who are now leaving the restaurant.

BRITTANY:
Ooooh! Can you believe that Darian is trying to take me away from Kevin?

JODIE: (laughs out loud)
HAH! I can't even believe that Darian could sink so lo…
(beat)
I mean… What ever made you think of that? Why should he be interested in you?

BRITTANY:
Because each time I give him an answer or ask him a question. He rolls his eyes and tries to keep himself under control!

JODIE: (rolls her eyes)
He is not the only one. A lot of people react like this, when they try to *explain* something to you. Your teachers for example… and me.

BRITTANY:
Really? I thought that was because my irresistible personality.

JODIE: (quiet)
Actually it is an irritating personality.
(normal voice)
Come on Brittany! You are just making this up. Darian is and never was interested in you in any possible way.

BRITTANY:
Oh Jodie, you are so right. Because… always when a man gives me attention. I don't know, like… I get attracted to him even if he is… he is… a… a brain.

Jane turns around and faces Brittany and Jodie.

JANE:
You know Brittany that was actually a very astute observation about the likelihood of him dating you.

BRITTANY:
Thank you!… Jane?

JODIE:
Jane? Were you spying on us?

JANE:
Yes I am guilty. So send me to Siberia.

BRITTANY:
You know I will never date Darian, although he is rather cute… for a brain.
Still: What if he gets a crush in me?
I have to break then his heart. I would have to play with his feelings.

JANE:
One thing is for sure: You are already playing with his nerves.

BRITTANY:
You know what is the problem with guys? You give them a smile, and they think you are interested in them.

JANE:
Nah! Darian has never even tried to make a pass on m… a lot of girls I know.

BRITTANY: (surprised)
Do you mean he is not interested in girls???

JODIE:
No! He is just too timid for that. Do you remember the party at Brittany's house?

BRITTANY:
How can I forget! He got sick in the ceramic tiger!

JODIE:
Yes. And before that, I have witnessed, how he was about to hit on a girl. He was standing in a corner, mumbling a pep talk to himself and his face was dark red, as if he had a rash. I think the girl was…
(Jane stares at her)
… sorry I have forgotten who she was.

JANE:
Yeah…

Beat

JODIE:
Further I want to add, that Darian would never allow himself to hit on a girl, who has a steady boyfriend.

JANE: (smirks)
Especially when he hits back.

BRITTANY: (calm)
So, Darian hasn't got a crush on me…
(squeals and then she bubbles out non-stop)
But when he hasn't got a crush on me! He still might think I have got a crush on him! Then he will start to turn me down and play with my feelings. But because I have got no crush on him I will have to play with his feelings too, to make him believe I have got no crush on him. So I have to turn him down. But that would mean that I would play with his feelings, and he thinks I am a cheap.
(she takes breath)
On the other hand: When I will have to play with his feelings too, to make him believe I have got no crush on him. He starts to get a crush on me because I have played with his feelings and he does realize that I might have a crush on him. And he doesn't think I would play with his feelings, then he has got a crush on me. And when I will turn him down in the end, he thinks I am cheap.

Jane and Jodie stare at her.

JANE:
No more Dawson's Creek for you!

JODIE:
Brittany! What do you want?

BRITTANY:
I don't want to appear… well… cheap.

JANE:
Well I see no difference for your reputation.

JODIE:
If there ever was a difference.

Jane and Jodie smirk at each other. Brittany does not get it.

BRITTANY:
What shall I do? I don't want to hurt Darian's feelings.

JODIE: (rolls her eyes)
I give you an advice: Look at Darian like a good friend. Just deal with him like you deal with… Mack. Yes Mack! You never have tried to hit on Mack.

BRITTANY:
Hey, you are right!… No that is different! I never hit on him, because Mack is blac..
(Jodie glares at her)
…I mean Mack is your boyfriend.

JODIE: (bitter)
Yes.

JANE:
So just stay friends! And don't start with him any flirting or hanky-panky. The retribution would be swift.

BRITTANY:
What do you mean?

JANE: (smirks)
Because such actions would drive Kevin immediately into the arms of an other girl.

BRITTANY:
Eep!

Unnoticed by Brittany, Jane and Jodie. The 3 J's are spying on them. They sit rather far away, so they couldn't have understood what they were talking about.

THE CAMERA PANS TO THE THREE J'S

JOEY:
Brittany has been hanging out with Quentin's big brother, like, every night this week.

JEFFY:
But he is a *brain*.

JAMIE:
So she must be hanging out with Quentin.

JOEY:
But why isn't Kevin beating up Quentin?

JEFFY:
Yes, which is very suspicious: It seems, that Quentin has got a watertight alibi.

JAMIE:
So, there must be something we don't know.

JOEY:
We got to find out.

CUT TO:
LATER THAT EVENING

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – LIVING ROOM – EVENING
Kevin, Joey, Jeffy and Jamie are sitting on the sofa cheering at a football game on TV.

JEFFY: (to the kitchen)
Hey, Quentin more dip sauce.

Quentin is in the kitchen filling chips into a bowl. He is not very happy.

QUENTIN:
Eww!

SOME TIME LATER:

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – KITCHEN – EVENING
While Kevin is grinning at the TV-commercials in the living room, the 3 J's have gathered around Quentin at the fridge to talk.

QUENTIN:
… so don't tell Kevin, he wouldn't understand… you know how jealous he can get. Yes, I am kind of "dating" Brittany, but not that kind of intimate date. It is more like… that we are becoming good friends.

JOEY: (teases him)
That sounds gay.

QUENTIN: (offended)
No Joey, that doesn't sounds gay! You can't always press the sex-issue. Girls do want to have partnerships with guys who they can rely too….!

JEFFY: (teases him more)
That still sounds gay.

QUENTIN: (more offended)
Don't you ever read the Cosmopolitan??? Eh… I mean GQ, Maxim, FHM…

JAMIE: (grins)
Playgirl? Now, that sounds really very gay.

QUENTIN: (even more offended)
GAH! Don't you know, that there are two kinds of girls?
The ones you are friends with and the ones you have sex with.
And the girls, you are friends with, will introduce you to girls you can have sex…
(high-pinched voice)
Hi mom!

The 3 J's turn in the direction, in which Quentin is staring. Helen Morgendorffer has her hands at her on her hips. She is furious.

THE THREE J'S: (quiet)
Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

QUENTIN: (please note, that when Quentin speaks with a high-pinched voice, he does sounds like a girl)
Already back from work?

HELEN: (angry)
Could your friends leave now? I want to have a word with you.

In horror the 3 J's leave them alone. Quentin gulps.

HELEN: (angry)
Quentin Lou Morgendorffer! You have disappointed me, I can't remember, that I have raised my son to be a…

KEVIN VOICE OVER: (yelling at the TV-set in the sitting room)
GO! GO! GO!

HELEN: (she turns to Kevin)
Could you please excuse us? We need a talk between mother and son.

KEVIN:
Okay ma'am.

Nothing happens.

HELEN: (shouts)
NOW!

Kevin jumps up from the sofa.

KEVIN: (mumbles)
Hmm, I better check up on Brittany.

INT. THE HOME OF THE MORGENDORFFERS – GARAGE – EVENING
Darian and Brittany stand in front of the maze and the mouse-cage.

DARIAN:
This is the final test: Put the mouse in the maze.

Brittany reaches into the cage, but unluckily grabs the mouse, which bites her hand.

BRITTANY: (wines)
Ouch! Oooooooh! You icky little animal!

DARIAN: (concerned)
Brittany! Be careful. That is our only mouse.

BRITTANY: (wines more)
My hand. Oooooooooooooooooooooh.

DARIAN: (rolls his eyes)
Let me have a look.

He takes her hand and examines her wound.

DARIAN:
I think we can avoid amputation…

The door opens and Kevin walks in. He catches the sight of Darian "holding hands" with Brittany.
Now that kind of behaviour wouldn't have aroused so much suspicion, if Darian and Brittany haven't freeze and pulled a stupid face.

END CHAPTER 2

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