A man entered the room, "Hey, Rikudo, I've got this great fanfi-"

With the roar of a pistol, the man entering the room fell out of

the room, quite dead.

"No." Rikudo declared.

Suddenly, a zombie Excel's hand burst out of the ground and

gripped Rikudo's leg.

"Llllleeeet uuuussssss liiiiiiiiivveee...." she moaned as part of

her face began to fall off.

So creeped out at this unusual and horrific form of persuasion,

Rikudo screamed and leapt backwards, "OKAY! FINE! YOU HAVE MY

PERMISSION!"

"Whew! Just in time too." A-kun said as he reanimated himself.

"Yeah, the makeup was falling off." Excel responded, as the

zombie makeup fell off her face, revealing that she was not, in fact, a

zombie.

"You... tricked me?" Rikudo asked, his eyes blazing.

"Uh-oh. Exit stage left!" A-kun cried out as he spun around and

raced out of the room.

"Going down!" Excel proclaimed before diving beneath the floor

boards.

A-kun returned to the doorway, as both he and Rikudo commented on

that, "Excel, don't say it like that."

================

Excel Saga's Opening Theme

"Loyalty"

Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe

That is not love

Love is not that

I am in love, but I am not loved

Definitely isn't love

Derriere isn't love

I want to be loved, but I never seek it out

I offer myself and throw my life away

Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly

Cheat, weedle, interfere

And trample down and kick strangers!

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out!

Even if I slip on a banana peel,

It's all for his sake anyway

If anything, that is probably

A kind of loyalty you might call love

================

It was a fine day for the ignorant masses, Excel considered as

she skipped to her latest job at the Burger Maniac. Surely, all would

go well at her job and then she could buy her first legitimate meal of

the month.

One of her co-workers, a young man named Invincible, strangely

enough, but not that she was one to talk, was munching on a hamburger

as she entered. She envied him. He noticed her envying him, with that

sad puppy dog look and drool running from her mouth, "You do know that

you can have a free hamburger once a day, don't you?"

Excel's eyes widened, "A free hamburger?"

"Yes..." Invincible responded slowly.

Invincible blinked as four hamburgers disappeared down Excel's

gullet in a single bite.

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! _A_ hamburger _PER_ day!" Invincible

hurriedly stated, his blue eyes wide with worry.

"I've been working here for six days without knowing!" Excel

snapped back before gobbling down two more.

Invincible groaned. It looked like it was going to be one of

THOSE days. Still, at least Excel spoke the same language as him and

she didn't get a homicidal gleam in her eyes when asked to cut up some

fresh meat like a few of the other employees. It was also nice having

someone roughly his height to talk to. The other employees and the

customers seemed like giants, even though he was five foot ten inches.

Invincible decided to ignore that particular problem and lamented

outloud, "Man, I wish I belonged to some sort of secret para-

militaristic organization that gave out random and oblique orders every

day. My life is so damn boring."

Excel nearly choked on her already swallowed food when he said

that. Another potential member of ACROSS?

The idea was both good and bad. If she introduced him to Lord

Ilpalazzo and he decided Invincible was a valuable addition, she would

surely get plenty of praise. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how to

go about making the offer without breaking a number of ACROSS' key

unwritten rules and would likely get sent into the pit a number of

times in punishment.

"How about you, Excel?" Invincible inquired.

Excel, who was still mentally laboring over the decision on the

good and bad points of introducing Invincible to Lord Ilpalazzo,

snapped back to reality and sputtered, "Uh, well, that is-I'm uh-ACROSS

is only a, well, uh-oh..."

Luckily, Invincible wasn't paying enough attention to her

ramblings as he pulled out his wallet and stared mournfully at it's

meager contents, "I can't make rent again this month. I guess I'll

have to try and find a cheaper apartment, but that's even worse than

trying to find a better job."

"How much do you have?" Excel asked, happy that Invincible hadn't

picked up on her mentionings of ACROSS.

"Only 45,000 yen. I don't want to dip into my savings or use my

credit cards..." Invincible sighed.

Excel nearly jumped for joy. She owed 35,000 in back rent and

another 10,000 would pay her next month. Sure, it would mean having to

live with a guy, but Invincible was a nice guy and it beat having to

living out of a cardboard box.

She was about to ask him if he wanted to move in with her when

their manager interupted, "If you two are finished with your little

discussion, we need to open up."

It would have to wait until after work, though. And also after

she'd discussed the issue with Lord Ilpalazzo.

K de C (1) was a mercenary. She was a six foot tall woman with

long reddish-brown hair. She wore blue jeans and a black shirt with an

all-concealing tan raincoat that hid numerous weapons.

She would do anything for the right price. She was a jill of all

trades and knew more about a wider variety of things than most people

could ever hope to know.

Which was why she was currently doing emergency plumbing.

"I understand that I agreed to 'do anything for the right price',

but don't you need people killed?" K de C asked Kabapu, Chief of City

Security.

"Yes, but that's not as important. We needed your skills right

away and besides, all of the other plumbers say it'll take a few hours

to even get here." Kabapu replied.

K de C growled. She instantly regretted getting all those

degrees by mail. She thought by offering herself as an assassin, she

would get all sorts of high intrigue jobs that would test her skills,

and make her enjoy her time off as she could always reminisce about her

daring line of work, she got stuck with jobs that were NOT meant for

someone aiming to be a top assassin.

ACROSS Headquarters was poorly lit as usual, save for Ilpalazzo's

throne. Excel took her normal position over the pit (actually, it

didn't matter where in the room she was, she was always over the pit)

and saluted, "HAIL ILPALAZZO!"

Ilpalazzo looked up from his guitar magazine, "You're rather

early, Excel."

"Lord Ilpalazzo, I have something to ask you! Actually, two

things, but they concern the same person, so it's technically one

person, but two subjects, but the subjects also related, since they

apply to the same person, so I guess it's one subject for one person,

but that doesn't really sound right-" Excel began to ramble as the rope

cord lowered from the ceiling. She hastily cut it short, "I was

wondering what the procedure would be for scouting a new recruit and if

said recruit could stay at my apartment without angering you!"

Ilpalazzo's hand, which had already taken hold of the rope,

didn't pull. Instead, he retracted the hand and the rope ascended back

to it's resting place.

"Who do you think would be worthy of joining our proud

organization?" Ilpalazzo inquired, his tone making it clear that a

ramble would ensure some time in the pit.

"It's a coworker of mine, a male teenager named Invincible!"

Excel stated concisely.

A screen dropped down to Ilpalazzo's right and a slide projector

showed a picture of Invincible. Excel wondered when Ilpalazzo had

gotten the time to procure that picture when he never seemed to leave

the room.

"You mean him?" Ilpalazzo inquired.

Excel nodded, "He expressed an interest in joining a secret para-

military organization early today."

"Interesting. Bring him here, but blindfold him first."

Ilpalazzo declared.

"And about him staying with me?" Excel inquired.

Ilpalazzo shrugged, "It doesn't matter to me."

Excel whimpered, "Lord Ilpalazzo, I hoped that you would at least

show concern for my safety."

The rope descended again as Ilpalazzo glared at Excel, "Are you

telling me that you know more about what my concerns should be?"

Excel shook her head rapidly, "FORGIVE ME, LORD ILPALAZZO!"

"Very well." Ilpalazzo declared.

"Really?" Excel asked.

Ilpalazzo nodded, then pulled the rope.

Excel cried out as she fell, "IF I'M FORGIVEN, THEN WHY?"

"Because we're in a groove." Ilpalazzo said, before murmurring to

himself, "Ilpalazzo's New Groove... maybe I should call Disney with

that idea..."

K de C felt a vein throb in her forehead as she plucked at weeds.

'Assassin' did NOT apply to weeds in HER definition. After today, she

would definitely be changing her business cards.

Invincible blinked. Excel blinked.

"Wait, why did you blink?" Invincible asked Excel.

"Because you did and I didn't want to be left out." Excel

answered.

Invincible rolled his eyes, then focused on her two proposals,

"You want me to move in with you AS WELL AS join a secret organization

that you're a part of?"

Excel nodded, "My apartment's rent is a lot less than yours and

my Lord Ilpalazzo is interested in meeting you."

Invincible considered both of the dilemmas. On the one hand, he

HAD always wanted to be part of a secret society and it WAS cheaper to

change apartments than to try and stay at his current one. On the

other hand, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of just ANY secret

society and moving in with Excel would have all sorts of social

connotations. People would think they were engaged or dating. His

mother was after him to get a girlfriend and have kids and if word got

back to her that he was living in the same apartment as a girl...

But then again, his mother might loosen up for a while if he at

least had a 'girlfriend'. As for the secret society, he already knew

he was going to accept that.

"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt too much... And I've never had

a roommate..." Invincible commented.

"Great! We'll leave right after work!" Excel declared.

"This _is_ after work." Invincible responded.

"Oh. Right." Excel replied, then laughed nervously.

The world turned, making an annoying loud noise that most people

ignored, save for a few crazy people, who kept screaming at the planet

to shut up.

Back in Japan, Excel had lead Invincible to the ACROSS HQ, as per

Ilpalazzo's orders. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten the blindfold until

just after introducing Invincible to Ilpalazzo. She pulled it out and

tied it around Invincible's head, partially covering his line of sight.

Ilpalazzo's hand tugged the rope cord and Excel fell. Shortly

after she'd climbed back up, and Invincible removed the ineffective

blindfold, they got down to business. Ilpalazzo handed Invincible a

clipboard with a form to fill out.

It contained the usual fare, Name, Age (18), Education, and

Skills that may pertain to the new job. He wrote down what he could

think of off the top of his head.

"Will we get paid for any of this?" Invincible asked, before

noting Ilpalazzo's blank stare, "Like a commission or additional

benefits for successful jobs?"

"You will be an officer of ACROSS when we take over the world."

Ilpalazzo responded.

Invincible waited for Ilpalazzo to elaborate on what that

entailed, but no further explanation came. He decided to continue on

the questionaire.

Did he really like stabbing things? Consider his collection of

swords, daggers and polearms, he had to mark yes.

Finally, he completed the form and handed it back to Ilpalazzo.

"You didn't mark whether or not you could control your urges to

stab things." Ilpalazzo replied.

"It depends on when you ask. Most of the time I can, but when

I'm already stabbing something... that's another story." Invincible

replied.

Ilpalazzo considered that. In truth, Invincible's form was

almost identical to the one Excel filled out, except for "Do you have

prior stabbing experience?" (Excel's had been marked 'No').

Without hesitation, he pulled out his name stamp and papped the

form lightly, "Welcome to the secret para-militaristic ideological

organization of ACROSS. Excel will drill you on how we start the

normal meetings. For now, however, we have a daily mission to get to."

A screen lowered behind both Invincible and Excel. As the duo

turned, an image appeared of an afro-wearing man. The name beneath it

was "Nabeshin".

Ilpalazzo frowned and clicked the slide projector forward one.

Another image appeared, this one showing a man wearing a straight

jacket with the name "A-kun" appearing beneath it. Again, the slide

projector proceeded forward. It showed a number of young attractive

women wearing skimpy bikinis.

"This is Model Island. It's sixteen miles away from any

continent, and is heavily guarded. We received a commission today from

three anonymous individuals who wish to see these women in their

lingerie, but they must be living and mostly unharmed. Invincible, you

are to take care of anyone who tries to remove you from the island.

Excel, you will take the pictures." Ilpalazzo paused, considering

Excel's track record, before changing his mind, "On second thought,

Invincible will take the pictures and Excel will take care of any

interference."

Invincible looked half-disappointed at the swapping of jobs.

Taking pictures of models in lingerie was okay, but he really had his

heart set on stabbing things at the moment. Ilpalazzo tossed

Invincible a strange grey box that looked like a metal shoe box.

"Just point it at the models when they're in their lingerie and

it'll do the rest." Ilpalazzo declared.

"Okay, so how do we get there?" Invincible inquired.

The rope descended...

"GODDAMN IT, SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Patient 22203

screamed at the floor.

"Mister A-kun, do we need to sedate you again?" the doctor

warned.

"Well, if Invincible and Excel would just SHUT UP!" A-kun

protested.

"And where is 'Invincible' and 'Excel'?" the doctor inquired.

"Duh! They're passing through the Earth's Mantle on their way to

the mythic Model Island, OF COURSE!!" A-kun responded, more than a bit

of hysteria in his voice.

"Doctor, get my elephant gun." Nurse Ratchet declared.

K de C exited her apartment to go grocery shopping and stopped.

How peculiar. She didn't recall a dark eerie forest that had trees

that looked like the clawed fingers of demons, poisonous ponds,

terrifying and well-timed flashes of lightning followed by

instantaneous rolls of thunder and the smell of death and decay at the

other end of the hallway of the 23rd floor.

Oh well.

As she walked down the path, she felt her once impervious

optimistic facade melt away. She wasn't even three feet from her

apartment when her psyche was broken down to that of a terrified five

year old boy-er, girl.

A crow cawed as it's shadow appeared on the shadow of a nearby

tree, only to have the shadow of a spear pierce it's chest. The shadow

crow fell from sight as a weak gurgling noise was made, then the shadow

of the crow mutated into that of a horrific demon.

Then K de C noticed the author making the shadows with his hands. "WHAT?!" A-kun asked indignantly.

Blood. It coated the floor, ran down the stairs and flowed into

a convenient drain in the floor before the congealed blood blocked it.

"Whelp, that takes care of them." Invincible said proudly,

puffing out his chest as he somehow dusted off his blood-soaked hands

and wiped the knife off on the last dead model's clothing.

"I thought we were supposed to take pictures of the models, not

kill them." Excel noted.

"Aww man! I guess I gotta find a way to filter all this blood and

get it back into their bodies." Invincible groaned, now completely

bummed out.

"Actually, maybe I can call for help! Oy! Great Will of the

Macrocosm!" Excel cried out.

"Who?" Invincible asked.

A swirling void depicting a starry sky appeared in the room

abruptly, with female arms attached to it's side, "Yes, Excel?"

Excel addressed the void-thingy, "Ish-chan, we need you to revive

all these models, but not the ugly nerd, the warty evil hag, the-"

"Excel, please. I've got about ten more of these fanfics to

appear in, so I'll show you a trick to speed things up. Have you ever

seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Ish-chan inquired.

Blank stares.

"Hmmm, I guess this author hasn't seen it." Ish-chan mused.

"Bits and pieces." A-kun explained, appearing just as abruptly as

Ish-chan, (but in poorer taste) "However, thanks to a quick websearch,

I can appear to know the song that you're thinking of: The Time Warp!

It'll allow you to travel back in time to when the models were still

alive and take pictures of them then! Invincible, hop to it!"

Invincible suddenly stepped forward and began to sing, "o/~When

you went away, I was petrified...~/o"

"WHOOPS! Wrong one!" A-kun laughed nervously as Ish-chan glared

at him.

Invincible began again as the story swapped the script format.

Invincible: It's astounding;

Time is fleeting;

Madness takes its toll.

But listen closely...

Excel: Not for very much longer.

Invincible: I've got to keep control.

I remember doing the time-warp

Drinking those moments when

The Blackness would hit me

Invincible: And the void would be calling...

Ilpalazzo: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

A-kun: With your hands on your hips.

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Excel: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.

So you can't see me, no, not at all.

In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,

Well secluded, I see all.

Invincible: With a bit of a mind flip

Excel: You're into the time slip.

Invincible: And nothing can ever be the same.

Excel: You're spaced out on sensation.

Invincible: Like you're under sedation.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

K de C: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think

When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.

He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.

He stared at me and I felt a change.

Time meant nothing, never would again.

All: Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.

All: And then a step to the right.

A-kun: With your hands on your hips.

All: You bring your knees in tight.

But it's the pelvic thrust

That really drives you insane.

Let's do the time-warp again.

Let's do the time-warp again.

=======================================================================

Excel Saga: Alternate Universe

Episode 1 - ACROSS Rides Again

Mission - Failed.... probably

(1) Yes, K de C is her name. It's not short for anything.

=======================================================================

Hyatt Ayasugi: Is it over?

Ropponmatsu (Adult): And we didn't even get our introductions...

Matsuya Misaki: Don't tempt him.