A man entered the room, "Hey, Rikudo, I've got this great fanfi-"
With the roar of a pistol, the man entering the room fell out of
the room, quite dead.
"No." Rikudo declared.
Suddenly, a zombie Excel's hand burst out of the ground and
gripped Rikudo's leg.
"Llllleeeet uuuussssss liiiiiiiiivveee...." she moaned as part of
her face began to fall off.
So creeped out at this unusual and horrific form of persuasion,
Rikudo screamed and leapt backwards, "OKAY! FINE! YOU HAVE MY
PERMISSION!"
"Whew! Just in time too." A-kun said as he reanimated himself.
"Yeah, the makeup was falling off." Excel responded, as the
zombie makeup fell off her face, revealing that she was not, in fact, a
zombie.
"You... tricked me?" Rikudo asked, his eyes blazing.
"Uh-oh. Exit stage left!" A-kun cried out as he spun around and
raced out of the room.
"Going down!" Excel proclaimed before diving beneath the floor
boards.
A-kun returned to the doorway, as both he and Rikudo commented on
that, "Excel, don't say it like that."
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
It was a fine day for the ignorant masses, Excel considered as
she skipped to her latest job at the Burger Maniac. Surely, all would
go well at her job and then she could buy her first legitimate meal of
the month.
One of her co-workers, a young man named Invincible, strangely
enough, but not that she was one to talk, was munching on a hamburger
as she entered. She envied him. He noticed her envying him, with that
sad puppy dog look and drool running from her mouth, "You do know that
you can have a free hamburger once a day, don't you?"
Excel's eyes widened, "A free hamburger?"
"Yes..." Invincible responded slowly.
Invincible blinked as four hamburgers disappeared down Excel's
gullet in a single bite.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! _A_ hamburger _PER_ day!" Invincible
hurriedly stated, his blue eyes wide with worry.
"I've been working here for six days without knowing!" Excel
snapped back before gobbling down two more.
Invincible groaned. It looked like it was going to be one of
THOSE days. Still, at least Excel spoke the same language as him and
she didn't get a homicidal gleam in her eyes when asked to cut up some
fresh meat like a few of the other employees. It was also nice having
someone roughly his height to talk to. The other employees and the
customers seemed like giants, even though he was five foot ten inches.
Invincible decided to ignore that particular problem and lamented
outloud, "Man, I wish I belonged to some sort of secret para-
militaristic organization that gave out random and oblique orders every
day. My life is so damn boring."
Excel nearly choked on her already swallowed food when he said
that. Another potential member of ACROSS?
The idea was both good and bad. If she introduced him to Lord
Ilpalazzo and he decided Invincible was a valuable addition, she would
surely get plenty of praise. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how to
go about making the offer without breaking a number of ACROSS' key
unwritten rules and would likely get sent into the pit a number of
times in punishment.
"How about you, Excel?" Invincible inquired.
Excel, who was still mentally laboring over the decision on the
good and bad points of introducing Invincible to Lord Ilpalazzo,
snapped back to reality and sputtered, "Uh, well, that is-I'm uh-ACROSS
is only a, well, uh-oh..."
Luckily, Invincible wasn't paying enough attention to her
ramblings as he pulled out his wallet and stared mournfully at it's
meager contents, "I can't make rent again this month. I guess I'll
have to try and find a cheaper apartment, but that's even worse than
trying to find a better job."
"How much do you have?" Excel asked, happy that Invincible hadn't
picked up on her mentionings of ACROSS.
"Only 45,000 yen. I don't want to dip into my savings or use my
credit cards..." Invincible sighed.
Excel nearly jumped for joy. She owed 35,000 in back rent and
another 10,000 would pay her next month. Sure, it would mean having to
live with a guy, but Invincible was a nice guy and it beat having to
living out of a cardboard box.
She was about to ask him if he wanted to move in with her when
their manager interupted, "If you two are finished with your little
discussion, we need to open up."
It would have to wait until after work, though. And also after
she'd discussed the issue with Lord Ilpalazzo.
K de C (1) was a mercenary. She was a six foot tall woman with
long reddish-brown hair. She wore blue jeans and a black shirt with an
all-concealing tan raincoat that hid numerous weapons.
She would do anything for the right price. She was a jill of all
trades and knew more about a wider variety of things than most people
could ever hope to know.
Which was why she was currently doing emergency plumbing.
"I understand that I agreed to 'do anything for the right price',
but don't you need people killed?" K de C asked Kabapu, Chief of City
Security.
"Yes, but that's not as important. We needed your skills right
away and besides, all of the other plumbers say it'll take a few hours
to even get here." Kabapu replied.
K de C growled. She instantly regretted getting all those
degrees by mail. She thought by offering herself as an assassin, she
would get all sorts of high intrigue jobs that would test her skills,
and make her enjoy her time off as she could always reminisce about her
daring line of work, she got stuck with jobs that were NOT meant for
someone aiming to be a top assassin.
ACROSS Headquarters was poorly lit as usual, save for Ilpalazzo's
throne. Excel took her normal position over the pit (actually, it
didn't matter where in the room she was, she was always over the pit)
and saluted, "HAIL ILPALAZZO!"
Ilpalazzo looked up from his guitar magazine, "You're rather
early, Excel."
"Lord Ilpalazzo, I have something to ask you! Actually, two
things, but they concern the same person, so it's technically one
person, but two subjects, but the subjects also related, since they
apply to the same person, so I guess it's one subject for one person,
but that doesn't really sound right-" Excel began to ramble as the rope
cord lowered from the ceiling. She hastily cut it short, "I was
wondering what the procedure would be for scouting a new recruit and if
said recruit could stay at my apartment without angering you!"
Ilpalazzo's hand, which had already taken hold of the rope,
didn't pull. Instead, he retracted the hand and the rope ascended back
to it's resting place.
"Who do you think would be worthy of joining our proud
organization?" Ilpalazzo inquired, his tone making it clear that a
ramble would ensure some time in the pit.
"It's a coworker of mine, a male teenager named Invincible!"
Excel stated concisely.
A screen dropped down to Ilpalazzo's right and a slide projector
showed a picture of Invincible. Excel wondered when Ilpalazzo had
gotten the time to procure that picture when he never seemed to leave
the room.
"You mean him?" Ilpalazzo inquired.
Excel nodded, "He expressed an interest in joining a secret para-
military organization early today."
"Interesting. Bring him here, but blindfold him first."
Ilpalazzo declared.
"And about him staying with me?" Excel inquired.
Ilpalazzo shrugged, "It doesn't matter to me."
Excel whimpered, "Lord Ilpalazzo, I hoped that you would at least
show concern for my safety."
The rope descended again as Ilpalazzo glared at Excel, "Are you
telling me that you know more about what my concerns should be?"
Excel shook her head rapidly, "FORGIVE ME, LORD ILPALAZZO!"
"Very well." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Really?" Excel asked.
Ilpalazzo nodded, then pulled the rope.
Excel cried out as she fell, "IF I'M FORGIVEN, THEN WHY?"
"Because we're in a groove." Ilpalazzo said, before murmurring to
himself, "Ilpalazzo's New Groove... maybe I should call Disney with
that idea..."
K de C felt a vein throb in her forehead as she plucked at weeds.
'Assassin' did NOT apply to weeds in HER definition. After today, she
would definitely be changing her business cards.
Invincible blinked. Excel blinked.
"Wait, why did you blink?" Invincible asked Excel.
"Because you did and I didn't want to be left out." Excel
answered.
Invincible rolled his eyes, then focused on her two proposals,
"You want me to move in with you AS WELL AS join a secret organization
that you're a part of?"
Excel nodded, "My apartment's rent is a lot less than yours and
my Lord Ilpalazzo is interested in meeting you."
Invincible considered both of the dilemmas. On the one hand, he
HAD always wanted to be part of a secret society and it WAS cheaper to
change apartments than to try and stay at his current one. On the
other hand, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of just ANY secret
society and moving in with Excel would have all sorts of social
connotations. People would think they were engaged or dating. His
mother was after him to get a girlfriend and have kids and if word got
back to her that he was living in the same apartment as a girl...
But then again, his mother might loosen up for a while if he at
least had a 'girlfriend'. As for the secret society, he already knew
he was going to accept that.
"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt too much... And I've never had
a roommate..." Invincible commented.
"Great! We'll leave right after work!" Excel declared.
"This _is_ after work." Invincible responded.
"Oh. Right." Excel replied, then laughed nervously.
The world turned, making an annoying loud noise that most people
ignored, save for a few crazy people, who kept screaming at the planet
to shut up.
Back in Japan, Excel had lead Invincible to the ACROSS HQ, as per
Ilpalazzo's orders. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten the blindfold until
just after introducing Invincible to Ilpalazzo. She pulled it out and
tied it around Invincible's head, partially covering his line of sight.
Ilpalazzo's hand tugged the rope cord and Excel fell. Shortly
after she'd climbed back up, and Invincible removed the ineffective
blindfold, they got down to business. Ilpalazzo handed Invincible a
clipboard with a form to fill out.
It contained the usual fare, Name, Age (18), Education, and
Skills that may pertain to the new job. He wrote down what he could
think of off the top of his head.
"Will we get paid for any of this?" Invincible asked, before
noting Ilpalazzo's blank stare, "Like a commission or additional
benefits for successful jobs?"
"You will be an officer of ACROSS when we take over the world."
Ilpalazzo responded.
Invincible waited for Ilpalazzo to elaborate on what that
entailed, but no further explanation came. He decided to continue on
the questionaire.
Did he really like stabbing things? Consider his collection of
swords, daggers and polearms, he had to mark yes.
Finally, he completed the form and handed it back to Ilpalazzo.
"You didn't mark whether or not you could control your urges to
stab things." Ilpalazzo replied.
"It depends on when you ask. Most of the time I can, but when
I'm already stabbing something... that's another story." Invincible
replied.
Ilpalazzo considered that. In truth, Invincible's form was
almost identical to the one Excel filled out, except for "Do you have
prior stabbing experience?" (Excel's had been marked 'No').
Without hesitation, he pulled out his name stamp and papped the
form lightly, "Welcome to the secret para-militaristic ideological
organization of ACROSS. Excel will drill you on how we start the
normal meetings. For now, however, we have a daily mission to get to."
A screen lowered behind both Invincible and Excel. As the duo
turned, an image appeared of an afro-wearing man. The name beneath it
was "Nabeshin".
Ilpalazzo frowned and clicked the slide projector forward one.
Another image appeared, this one showing a man wearing a straight
jacket with the name "A-kun" appearing beneath it. Again, the slide
projector proceeded forward. It showed a number of young attractive
women wearing skimpy bikinis.
"This is Model Island. It's sixteen miles away from any
continent, and is heavily guarded. We received a commission today from
three anonymous individuals who wish to see these women in their
lingerie, but they must be living and mostly unharmed. Invincible, you
are to take care of anyone who tries to remove you from the island.
Excel, you will take the pictures." Ilpalazzo paused, considering
Excel's track record, before changing his mind, "On second thought,
Invincible will take the pictures and Excel will take care of any
interference."
Invincible looked half-disappointed at the swapping of jobs.
Taking pictures of models in lingerie was okay, but he really had his
heart set on stabbing things at the moment. Ilpalazzo tossed
Invincible a strange grey box that looked like a metal shoe box.
"Just point it at the models when they're in their lingerie and
it'll do the rest." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Okay, so how do we get there?" Invincible inquired.
The rope descended...
"GODDAMN IT, SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Patient 22203
screamed at the floor.
"Mister A-kun, do we need to sedate you again?" the doctor
warned.
"Well, if Invincible and Excel would just SHUT UP!" A-kun
protested.
"And where is 'Invincible' and 'Excel'?" the doctor inquired.
"Duh! They're passing through the Earth's Mantle on their way to
the mythic Model Island, OF COURSE!!" A-kun responded, more than a bit
of hysteria in his voice.
"Doctor, get my elephant gun." Nurse Ratchet declared.
K de C exited her apartment to go grocery shopping and stopped.
How peculiar. She didn't recall a dark eerie forest that had trees
that looked like the clawed fingers of demons, poisonous ponds,
terrifying and well-timed flashes of lightning followed by
instantaneous rolls of thunder and the smell of death and decay at the
other end of the hallway of the 23rd floor.
Oh well.
As she walked down the path, she felt her once impervious
optimistic facade melt away. She wasn't even three feet from her
apartment when her psyche was broken down to that of a terrified five
year old boy-er, girl.
A crow cawed as it's shadow appeared on the shadow of a nearby
tree, only to have the shadow of a spear pierce it's chest. The shadow
crow fell from sight as a weak gurgling noise was made, then the shadow
of the crow mutated into that of a horrific demon.
Then K de C noticed the author making the shadows with his hands. "WHAT?!" A-kun asked indignantly.
Blood. It coated the floor, ran down the stairs and flowed into
a convenient drain in the floor before the congealed blood blocked it.
"Whelp, that takes care of them." Invincible said proudly,
puffing out his chest as he somehow dusted off his blood-soaked hands
and wiped the knife off on the last dead model's clothing.
"I thought we were supposed to take pictures of the models, not
kill them." Excel noted.
"Aww man! I guess I gotta find a way to filter all this blood and
get it back into their bodies." Invincible groaned, now completely
bummed out.
"Actually, maybe I can call for help! Oy! Great Will of the
Macrocosm!" Excel cried out.
"Who?" Invincible asked.
A swirling void depicting a starry sky appeared in the room
abruptly, with female arms attached to it's side, "Yes, Excel?"
Excel addressed the void-thingy, "Ish-chan, we need you to revive
all these models, but not the ugly nerd, the warty evil hag, the-"
"Excel, please. I've got about ten more of these fanfics to
appear in, so I'll show you a trick to speed things up. Have you ever
seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Ish-chan inquired.
Blank stares.
"Hmmm, I guess this author hasn't seen it." Ish-chan mused.
"Bits and pieces." A-kun explained, appearing just as abruptly as
Ish-chan, (but in poorer taste) "However, thanks to a quick websearch,
I can appear to know the song that you're thinking of: The Time Warp!
It'll allow you to travel back in time to when the models were still
alive and take pictures of them then! Invincible, hop to it!"
Invincible suddenly stepped forward and began to sing, "o/~When
you went away, I was petrified...~/o"
"WHOOPS! Wrong one!" A-kun laughed nervously as Ish-chan glared
at him.
Invincible began again as the story swapped the script format.
Invincible: It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
Excel: Not for very much longer.
Invincible: I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me
Invincible: And the void would be calling...
Ilpalazzo: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Excel: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
Invincible: With a bit of a mind flip
Excel: You're into the time slip.
Invincible: And nothing can ever be the same.
Excel: You're spaced out on sensation.
Invincible: Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
K de C: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 1 - ACROSS Rides Again
Mission - Failed.... probably
(1) Yes, K de C is her name. It's not short for anything.
=======================================================================
Hyatt Ayasugi: Is it over?
Ropponmatsu (Adult): And we didn't even get our introductions...
Matsuya Misaki: Don't tempt him.
With the roar of a pistol, the man entering the room fell out of
the room, quite dead.
"No." Rikudo declared.
Suddenly, a zombie Excel's hand burst out of the ground and
gripped Rikudo's leg.
"Llllleeeet uuuussssss liiiiiiiiivveee...." she moaned as part of
her face began to fall off.
So creeped out at this unusual and horrific form of persuasion,
Rikudo screamed and leapt backwards, "OKAY! FINE! YOU HAVE MY
PERMISSION!"
"Whew! Just in time too." A-kun said as he reanimated himself.
"Yeah, the makeup was falling off." Excel responded, as the
zombie makeup fell off her face, revealing that she was not, in fact, a
zombie.
"You... tricked me?" Rikudo asked, his eyes blazing.
"Uh-oh. Exit stage left!" A-kun cried out as he spun around and
raced out of the room.
"Going down!" Excel proclaimed before diving beneath the floor
boards.
A-kun returned to the doorway, as both he and Rikudo commented on
that, "Excel, don't say it like that."
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
It was a fine day for the ignorant masses, Excel considered as
she skipped to her latest job at the Burger Maniac. Surely, all would
go well at her job and then she could buy her first legitimate meal of
the month.
One of her co-workers, a young man named Invincible, strangely
enough, but not that she was one to talk, was munching on a hamburger
as she entered. She envied him. He noticed her envying him, with that
sad puppy dog look and drool running from her mouth, "You do know that
you can have a free hamburger once a day, don't you?"
Excel's eyes widened, "A free hamburger?"
"Yes..." Invincible responded slowly.
Invincible blinked as four hamburgers disappeared down Excel's
gullet in a single bite.
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! _A_ hamburger _PER_ day!" Invincible
hurriedly stated, his blue eyes wide with worry.
"I've been working here for six days without knowing!" Excel
snapped back before gobbling down two more.
Invincible groaned. It looked like it was going to be one of
THOSE days. Still, at least Excel spoke the same language as him and
she didn't get a homicidal gleam in her eyes when asked to cut up some
fresh meat like a few of the other employees. It was also nice having
someone roughly his height to talk to. The other employees and the
customers seemed like giants, even though he was five foot ten inches.
Invincible decided to ignore that particular problem and lamented
outloud, "Man, I wish I belonged to some sort of secret para-
militaristic organization that gave out random and oblique orders every
day. My life is so damn boring."
Excel nearly choked on her already swallowed food when he said
that. Another potential member of ACROSS?
The idea was both good and bad. If she introduced him to Lord
Ilpalazzo and he decided Invincible was a valuable addition, she would
surely get plenty of praise. On the other hand, she wasn't sure how to
go about making the offer without breaking a number of ACROSS' key
unwritten rules and would likely get sent into the pit a number of
times in punishment.
"How about you, Excel?" Invincible inquired.
Excel, who was still mentally laboring over the decision on the
good and bad points of introducing Invincible to Lord Ilpalazzo,
snapped back to reality and sputtered, "Uh, well, that is-I'm uh-ACROSS
is only a, well, uh-oh..."
Luckily, Invincible wasn't paying enough attention to her
ramblings as he pulled out his wallet and stared mournfully at it's
meager contents, "I can't make rent again this month. I guess I'll
have to try and find a cheaper apartment, but that's even worse than
trying to find a better job."
"How much do you have?" Excel asked, happy that Invincible hadn't
picked up on her mentionings of ACROSS.
"Only 45,000 yen. I don't want to dip into my savings or use my
credit cards..." Invincible sighed.
Excel nearly jumped for joy. She owed 35,000 in back rent and
another 10,000 would pay her next month. Sure, it would mean having to
live with a guy, but Invincible was a nice guy and it beat having to
living out of a cardboard box.
She was about to ask him if he wanted to move in with her when
their manager interupted, "If you two are finished with your little
discussion, we need to open up."
It would have to wait until after work, though. And also after
she'd discussed the issue with Lord Ilpalazzo.
K de C (1) was a mercenary. She was a six foot tall woman with
long reddish-brown hair. She wore blue jeans and a black shirt with an
all-concealing tan raincoat that hid numerous weapons.
She would do anything for the right price. She was a jill of all
trades and knew more about a wider variety of things than most people
could ever hope to know.
Which was why she was currently doing emergency plumbing.
"I understand that I agreed to 'do anything for the right price',
but don't you need people killed?" K de C asked Kabapu, Chief of City
Security.
"Yes, but that's not as important. We needed your skills right
away and besides, all of the other plumbers say it'll take a few hours
to even get here." Kabapu replied.
K de C growled. She instantly regretted getting all those
degrees by mail. She thought by offering herself as an assassin, she
would get all sorts of high intrigue jobs that would test her skills,
and make her enjoy her time off as she could always reminisce about her
daring line of work, she got stuck with jobs that were NOT meant for
someone aiming to be a top assassin.
ACROSS Headquarters was poorly lit as usual, save for Ilpalazzo's
throne. Excel took her normal position over the pit (actually, it
didn't matter where in the room she was, she was always over the pit)
and saluted, "HAIL ILPALAZZO!"
Ilpalazzo looked up from his guitar magazine, "You're rather
early, Excel."
"Lord Ilpalazzo, I have something to ask you! Actually, two
things, but they concern the same person, so it's technically one
person, but two subjects, but the subjects also related, since they
apply to the same person, so I guess it's one subject for one person,
but that doesn't really sound right-" Excel began to ramble as the rope
cord lowered from the ceiling. She hastily cut it short, "I was
wondering what the procedure would be for scouting a new recruit and if
said recruit could stay at my apartment without angering you!"
Ilpalazzo's hand, which had already taken hold of the rope,
didn't pull. Instead, he retracted the hand and the rope ascended back
to it's resting place.
"Who do you think would be worthy of joining our proud
organization?" Ilpalazzo inquired, his tone making it clear that a
ramble would ensure some time in the pit.
"It's a coworker of mine, a male teenager named Invincible!"
Excel stated concisely.
A screen dropped down to Ilpalazzo's right and a slide projector
showed a picture of Invincible. Excel wondered when Ilpalazzo had
gotten the time to procure that picture when he never seemed to leave
the room.
"You mean him?" Ilpalazzo inquired.
Excel nodded, "He expressed an interest in joining a secret para-
military organization early today."
"Interesting. Bring him here, but blindfold him first."
Ilpalazzo declared.
"And about him staying with me?" Excel inquired.
Ilpalazzo shrugged, "It doesn't matter to me."
Excel whimpered, "Lord Ilpalazzo, I hoped that you would at least
show concern for my safety."
The rope descended again as Ilpalazzo glared at Excel, "Are you
telling me that you know more about what my concerns should be?"
Excel shook her head rapidly, "FORGIVE ME, LORD ILPALAZZO!"
"Very well." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Really?" Excel asked.
Ilpalazzo nodded, then pulled the rope.
Excel cried out as she fell, "IF I'M FORGIVEN, THEN WHY?"
"Because we're in a groove." Ilpalazzo said, before murmurring to
himself, "Ilpalazzo's New Groove... maybe I should call Disney with
that idea..."
K de C felt a vein throb in her forehead as she plucked at weeds.
'Assassin' did NOT apply to weeds in HER definition. After today, she
would definitely be changing her business cards.
Invincible blinked. Excel blinked.
"Wait, why did you blink?" Invincible asked Excel.
"Because you did and I didn't want to be left out." Excel
answered.
Invincible rolled his eyes, then focused on her two proposals,
"You want me to move in with you AS WELL AS join a secret organization
that you're a part of?"
Excel nodded, "My apartment's rent is a lot less than yours and
my Lord Ilpalazzo is interested in meeting you."
Invincible considered both of the dilemmas. On the one hand, he
HAD always wanted to be part of a secret society and it WAS cheaper to
change apartments than to try and stay at his current one. On the
other hand, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of just ANY secret
society and moving in with Excel would have all sorts of social
connotations. People would think they were engaged or dating. His
mother was after him to get a girlfriend and have kids and if word got
back to her that he was living in the same apartment as a girl...
But then again, his mother might loosen up for a while if he at
least had a 'girlfriend'. As for the secret society, he already knew
he was going to accept that.
"Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt too much... And I've never had
a roommate..." Invincible commented.
"Great! We'll leave right after work!" Excel declared.
"This _is_ after work." Invincible responded.
"Oh. Right." Excel replied, then laughed nervously.
The world turned, making an annoying loud noise that most people
ignored, save for a few crazy people, who kept screaming at the planet
to shut up.
Back in Japan, Excel had lead Invincible to the ACROSS HQ, as per
Ilpalazzo's orders. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten the blindfold until
just after introducing Invincible to Ilpalazzo. She pulled it out and
tied it around Invincible's head, partially covering his line of sight.
Ilpalazzo's hand tugged the rope cord and Excel fell. Shortly
after she'd climbed back up, and Invincible removed the ineffective
blindfold, they got down to business. Ilpalazzo handed Invincible a
clipboard with a form to fill out.
It contained the usual fare, Name, Age (18), Education, and
Skills that may pertain to the new job. He wrote down what he could
think of off the top of his head.
"Will we get paid for any of this?" Invincible asked, before
noting Ilpalazzo's blank stare, "Like a commission or additional
benefits for successful jobs?"
"You will be an officer of ACROSS when we take over the world."
Ilpalazzo responded.
Invincible waited for Ilpalazzo to elaborate on what that
entailed, but no further explanation came. He decided to continue on
the questionaire.
Did he really like stabbing things? Consider his collection of
swords, daggers and polearms, he had to mark yes.
Finally, he completed the form and handed it back to Ilpalazzo.
"You didn't mark whether or not you could control your urges to
stab things." Ilpalazzo replied.
"It depends on when you ask. Most of the time I can, but when
I'm already stabbing something... that's another story." Invincible
replied.
Ilpalazzo considered that. In truth, Invincible's form was
almost identical to the one Excel filled out, except for "Do you have
prior stabbing experience?" (Excel's had been marked 'No').
Without hesitation, he pulled out his name stamp and papped the
form lightly, "Welcome to the secret para-militaristic ideological
organization of ACROSS. Excel will drill you on how we start the
normal meetings. For now, however, we have a daily mission to get to."
A screen lowered behind both Invincible and Excel. As the duo
turned, an image appeared of an afro-wearing man. The name beneath it
was "Nabeshin".
Ilpalazzo frowned and clicked the slide projector forward one.
Another image appeared, this one showing a man wearing a straight
jacket with the name "A-kun" appearing beneath it. Again, the slide
projector proceeded forward. It showed a number of young attractive
women wearing skimpy bikinis.
"This is Model Island. It's sixteen miles away from any
continent, and is heavily guarded. We received a commission today from
three anonymous individuals who wish to see these women in their
lingerie, but they must be living and mostly unharmed. Invincible, you
are to take care of anyone who tries to remove you from the island.
Excel, you will take the pictures." Ilpalazzo paused, considering
Excel's track record, before changing his mind, "On second thought,
Invincible will take the pictures and Excel will take care of any
interference."
Invincible looked half-disappointed at the swapping of jobs.
Taking pictures of models in lingerie was okay, but he really had his
heart set on stabbing things at the moment. Ilpalazzo tossed
Invincible a strange grey box that looked like a metal shoe box.
"Just point it at the models when they're in their lingerie and
it'll do the rest." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Okay, so how do we get there?" Invincible inquired.
The rope descended...
"GODDAMN IT, SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Patient 22203
screamed at the floor.
"Mister A-kun, do we need to sedate you again?" the doctor
warned.
"Well, if Invincible and Excel would just SHUT UP!" A-kun
protested.
"And where is 'Invincible' and 'Excel'?" the doctor inquired.
"Duh! They're passing through the Earth's Mantle on their way to
the mythic Model Island, OF COURSE!!" A-kun responded, more than a bit
of hysteria in his voice.
"Doctor, get my elephant gun." Nurse Ratchet declared.
K de C exited her apartment to go grocery shopping and stopped.
How peculiar. She didn't recall a dark eerie forest that had trees
that looked like the clawed fingers of demons, poisonous ponds,
terrifying and well-timed flashes of lightning followed by
instantaneous rolls of thunder and the smell of death and decay at the
other end of the hallway of the 23rd floor.
Oh well.
As she walked down the path, she felt her once impervious
optimistic facade melt away. She wasn't even three feet from her
apartment when her psyche was broken down to that of a terrified five
year old boy-er, girl.
A crow cawed as it's shadow appeared on the shadow of a nearby
tree, only to have the shadow of a spear pierce it's chest. The shadow
crow fell from sight as a weak gurgling noise was made, then the shadow
of the crow mutated into that of a horrific demon.
Then K de C noticed the author making the shadows with his hands. "WHAT?!" A-kun asked indignantly.
Blood. It coated the floor, ran down the stairs and flowed into
a convenient drain in the floor before the congealed blood blocked it.
"Whelp, that takes care of them." Invincible said proudly,
puffing out his chest as he somehow dusted off his blood-soaked hands
and wiped the knife off on the last dead model's clothing.
"I thought we were supposed to take pictures of the models, not
kill them." Excel noted.
"Aww man! I guess I gotta find a way to filter all this blood and
get it back into their bodies." Invincible groaned, now completely
bummed out.
"Actually, maybe I can call for help! Oy! Great Will of the
Macrocosm!" Excel cried out.
"Who?" Invincible asked.
A swirling void depicting a starry sky appeared in the room
abruptly, with female arms attached to it's side, "Yes, Excel?"
Excel addressed the void-thingy, "Ish-chan, we need you to revive
all these models, but not the ugly nerd, the warty evil hag, the-"
"Excel, please. I've got about ten more of these fanfics to
appear in, so I'll show you a trick to speed things up. Have you ever
seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show?" Ish-chan inquired.
Blank stares.
"Hmmm, I guess this author hasn't seen it." Ish-chan mused.
"Bits and pieces." A-kun explained, appearing just as abruptly as
Ish-chan, (but in poorer taste) "However, thanks to a quick websearch,
I can appear to know the song that you're thinking of: The Time Warp!
It'll allow you to travel back in time to when the models were still
alive and take pictures of them then! Invincible, hop to it!"
Invincible suddenly stepped forward and began to sing, "o/~When
you went away, I was petrified...~/o"
"WHOOPS! Wrong one!" A-kun laughed nervously as Ish-chan glared
at him.
Invincible began again as the story swapped the script format.
Invincible: It's astounding;
Time is fleeting;
Madness takes its toll.
But listen closely...
Excel: Not for very much longer.
Invincible: I've got to keep control.
I remember doing the time-warp
Drinking those moments when
The Blackness would hit me
Invincible: And the void would be calling...
Ilpalazzo: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Excel: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, no, not at all.
In another dimension, with voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
Invincible: With a bit of a mind flip
Excel: You're into the time slip.
Invincible: And nothing can ever be the same.
Excel: You're spaced out on sensation.
Invincible: Like you're under sedation.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
K de C: Well I was walking down the street just a-having a think
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise.
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
A-kun: It's just a jump to the left.
All: And then a step to the right.
A-kun: With your hands on your hips.
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 1 - ACROSS Rides Again
Mission - Failed.... probably
(1) Yes, K de C is her name. It's not short for anything.
=======================================================================
Hyatt Ayasugi: Is it over?
Ropponmatsu (Adult): And we didn't even get our introductions...
Matsuya Misaki: Don't tempt him.
