In some legends, the universe was made from the rotting carcass
of a dead giant. It's armpit, to be precise.
Sure is fun to hear about that when you're eating that bologna
sandwich, ain't it?
Thought so.
There is another philosophy, one about how one's destiny was
predetemined into one of eight paths: Soldier, Farmer, Merchant,
Blacksmith, Slave, King, Doctor, Chef.
This was later changed into one of twelve paths: Dog, Lawyer,
Whiny Managers, Slaves, CEOs, Doctor, Prostitute, Ninja, Turtle Hermit,
Hero, Villian, Pointless Fanservice.
As so, the circle of life continues to grow and adapt.
~/o THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- o/~
*KERBLAMMO*
*THUD*
Ahem, now that I've regained control of my keyboard, let's begin
this travesty, shall we?
//I, A-kun, posing as Rikudo Koshi, do hereby grant myself
permission to make an Excel Saga story.
- To A-kun//
"Postage Due!" The postman declared.
"Man, am I a cheapskate or what?" A-kun growled.
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
Invincible and Excel laid on their backs facing the ceiling,
their heads a few feet away as they silently digested their meager meal
of the day. Menchi, Excel's pet female dog/emergency food supply, also
looked content for once. Ever since Invincible had shown up, both she
and Excel had gotten regular meals, meaning that the likelyhood of her
being eaten were minimized. Plus Invincible seemed to like dogs, in a
non-edible way.
Invincible looked up at Excel, "So, what do you wanna do?"
"I don't know. What do you wanna do?" Excel inquired.
The two sighed. It had been so incredibly dull during the week
long 'holiday' that Ilpalazzo had declared. They both gazed up at the
ceiling and watched as the obligatory flashback began.
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.
"How could we have failed? We got the pictures that your
mysterious individuals wanted and didn't even stab the models the fifth
time around." Invincible inquired.
"Whether or not you completed the mission isn't the point. You
both partook of a cheap plot made by the author from a pathetic video
game that barely has even minimal fanservice requirements to be
considered 'fanservice'. Thus, you failed." Ilpalazzo answered.
"But you're the one who-" Invincible began.
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord.
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-*" went Invincible's
mouth as he plummetted.
*SPLASH* went the water that Invincible fell into.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" went the coked-up bear that was currently
bathing in said water.
The door to the pit closed.
"In any case, we shall adjourn until I can devise a new plan for
conquering the city. Take the next week or so off. I'll contact you
when your vacation is over." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Adjourn?" Excel asked.
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord...
"He seemed a bit irritable." Invincible commented, having seen
the complete scene for the first time.
"He hates being manipulated by hack writers." Excel explained.
"Ah." Invincible noted.
The two sighed. The vacation had coincided with the Burger
Maniac burning down. Apparently, management had found out that one of
the chefs was a pyromaniac, a second was a fireworks enthusiast, and a
third was an arsonist a wee bit too late to stop the trio from a
cooperative adventure in the back room. When the Fryalator's oil
caught fire, the rest of the resturaunt was pretty much toast.
Excel's hand found the daily newspaper that Invincible had
brought home. She opened it up to a random page and paused.
"Hey, how about this?" Excel inquired, rolling over and laying
the paper against the floor. Invincible rolled over, then rolled over
the other way so that he was lined up with Excel and the paper.
"Free syringe with every gram of coke?" Invincible inquired.
"No, the one below that." Excel responded.
"Youngest daughter of three arrested for abusive habits in Nerima
Distict, Fiancee marries seven other women?" Invincible asked.
Excel sighed, "Wrong way. I was talking about the ad that reads
'Expendable Extras and/or Main Characters Wanted to Explore F City
Ruins'."
"Oh, that one." Invincible said, blushing with embarrassment.
Ilpalazzo looked down his copy of the Evil Overlord List,
"Visually appealing... dammit! Why doesn't this ever mention anything
for musically-inclined overlords?"
Invincible and Excel looked at the two backpacks full of standard
archaelogical equipment, such as fedora hats, bullwhips, German Lugers
+ appropriate ammo, rope, military iron rations, flashlights with six
sets of spare batteries, and a copy "The Ruin Crawling Guide For
Complete Morons".
"Did you buy this?" Invincible asked.
Excel shook her head, then spoke up as she noticed a tag on each
one, "Well, this one has my name on it and that one has yours."
"So, it's a stupid plot device." Invincible declared.
"More than likely." Excel agreed.
"And why didn't we ever notice the moss-covered ruins right
across from our apartment building?" Invincible asked.
Excel shrugged.
K de C sighed as she stood outside the ruins of F City. Kabapu
had paid her to go in with the paid explorers to make certain that
"none of them posed a threat to the city". Which was rather
ambigiously stated, as just about anything could be a 'threat' to the
city.
At least she had a co-worker. Matsuya Misaki, the newest member
of the City Security, had red hair and eyes, was one-quarter british
and used the suffix '-kun' when referring to scoundrels.
"It wasn't funny when the original series did it." Matsuya told
the author.
"Sorry!" A-kun apologized.
K de C glanced around. There were plenty of extra characters,
but none were worthy of noting. Suffice it to say, most would probably
die or be ignored unless the author decided to give them a higher role
in the story.
"K de C! Look time no see!" Invincible rhymed, seeing his old
friend as he and Excel approached the ruins.
"Invincible! I thought you died back in Madsteram!" K de C
replied.(1)
"Well, you know, what with the name and all..." Invincible
responded, a bit sheepish, before asking a question of his own, "So,
what are you doing here?"
"I'm on the job too. Who's your pouting friend?" K de C asked.
Invincible turned to see that Excel was, indeed, pouting at the
lack of attention, "Oh, this is Excel. Excel, this is K de C, an old
friend of mine. We used to work together for the same organization."
"And this is my partner, Matsuya Misaki, but she prefers
Matsuya." K de C responded.
Introductions concluded as a grey-haired man with a green beard
appeared in front of the crowd.
The green-bearded man snorted as he glared at the crowd, "My name
is Irrelevant. I'm the land-owner for these ruins. However, since
this is an archaelogical find of the century, F City rules say that I
can't claim anything until an archaelogical exploration has taken all
that they could from the site. So, to speed things up, you evil
vultures are going to do that for me. I hope you all die so I can keep
everything!"
Confused by the long-winded speech, Invincible was about to clap
when K de C stopped him. She shook her head. Invincible nodded in
comprehension. At least, he thought he comprehended what she was
implying.
Irrelevant gave one last mean glare towards each of the crowd
members before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet and walking away,
despite the fact that the smoke bomb failed to go off. It rolled down
the stairs towards the crowd.
Excel, following standard logic for parser games, picked up the
smoke bomb. It would no doubt be of use later if the author chose to
focus on it.
A short-haired woman took Irrelevant's place in front of the
crowd. She patted her black hair briefly, before speaking up, "My name
is Momoji and I'll be the ruins exploratory manager. There are five
entrances to the ruins, so please pair up and report to me when you're
in a group that suits you."
K de C, Matsuya, Excel and Invincible found themselves teaming up
as the extras all made small groups of their own.
"I suppose splitting it four ways wouldn't be too bad."
Invincible commented.
"It'll be just like Maricea." K de C replied.
"Heh. That was pretty cool how Ian managed to-" Invincible
began.
K de C grinned, "-and how Tina used that tricked out-"
"-or how about when you had those-" Invincible interupted.
K de C chuckled, "-and then you said to the Prime Minister,"
"'IT'S YOURS NOW!'" they said in unison, before breaking down in
laughter.
"I feel left out." Excel noted.
"Indeed." Matsuya agreed.
Then, without warning, the scene changed.
Shioji Gojo was a genius. A perverted lolicon without the common
sense that evolution granted to 95% of the human race, but a genius
nonetheless. His genius was focused around robotics, programming and
advanced circuitry, all of which lacked any need for common sense.
Of course, there were more than a few times when Kabapu wished
that his most brilliant student was a bit more understanding of the
basic requirements needed for robots to operate within a human society
without being noticed.
"Yes, Shioji, you did fix the problem of Nimatsu walking into
walls repeatedly. But _NOW_, we have the problem of her walking
THROUGH the walls." Kabapu explained.
"It solved your first problem." Shioji responded, offended that
such a minor problem was being picked at. His genius mind didn't like
being nagged at for petty reasons.
Kabapu sighed. It was going to be a long day. He could feel it.
Nimatsu entered the room. She stood roughly five feet tall, with
light pink hair and dark purple eyes. Of course, she was carrying ten
plates of food, which was very unusual. At least, until she spoke,
"Master Shioji, Mister Kabapu, it is time for you to eat your five
dietary meals..."
"I'll see what I can do." Shioji told Kabapu quickly.
Kabapu stood up with Shioji. It would be a long day as they
headed to tackle Nimatsu and turn her off.(2)
Invincible twitched. Excel groaned. K de C sighed. Matsuya
looked for something to shoot to vent her frustration. In front of
them were a myriad of over twenty passageways.
"This is the TENTH time we've come back to this intersection!"
Excel declared after counting the number of marks they'd made on the
floor.
"This is INSANE! We've tried ten turns, and each time, come back
to this exact same place!" K de C snarled.
"DAMMIT! I WANNA FIND SOMETHING!" Invincible yelled, jumping up
and down angrily.
Just then, the floor beneath them made a very loud cracking noise
and slipped down an inch. The quartet exchanged worried glanced just
before the floor gave way.
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 2 - Spontaneous Spelunking, Part 2
Mission - Failed.... probably
(1) No, not Amsterdam.
(2) Ni = Two, Nimatsu is the second robot that Shioji has made for
Kabapu. Don't ask what happened to the first.
=======================================================================
Hyatt: Still not in the story.
Ropponmatsu: I'll keep you company. ^_^
Hyatt: How did you make that symbol appear?
Ropponmatsu: It's a simple matter of hacking the author's computer.
Hyatt: Oh, really? ^o^
Ropponmatsu: Indeed. ^_-
of a dead giant. It's armpit, to be precise.
Sure is fun to hear about that when you're eating that bologna
sandwich, ain't it?
Thought so.
There is another philosophy, one about how one's destiny was
predetemined into one of eight paths: Soldier, Farmer, Merchant,
Blacksmith, Slave, King, Doctor, Chef.
This was later changed into one of twelve paths: Dog, Lawyer,
Whiny Managers, Slaves, CEOs, Doctor, Prostitute, Ninja, Turtle Hermit,
Hero, Villian, Pointless Fanservice.
As so, the circle of life continues to grow and adapt.
~/o THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- o/~
*KERBLAMMO*
*THUD*
Ahem, now that I've regained control of my keyboard, let's begin
this travesty, shall we?
//I, A-kun, posing as Rikudo Koshi, do hereby grant myself
permission to make an Excel Saga story.
- To A-kun//
"Postage Due!" The postman declared.
"Man, am I a cheapskate or what?" A-kun growled.
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
Invincible and Excel laid on their backs facing the ceiling,
their heads a few feet away as they silently digested their meager meal
of the day. Menchi, Excel's pet female dog/emergency food supply, also
looked content for once. Ever since Invincible had shown up, both she
and Excel had gotten regular meals, meaning that the likelyhood of her
being eaten were minimized. Plus Invincible seemed to like dogs, in a
non-edible way.
Invincible looked up at Excel, "So, what do you wanna do?"
"I don't know. What do you wanna do?" Excel inquired.
The two sighed. It had been so incredibly dull during the week
long 'holiday' that Ilpalazzo had declared. They both gazed up at the
ceiling and watched as the obligatory flashback began.
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.
"How could we have failed? We got the pictures that your
mysterious individuals wanted and didn't even stab the models the fifth
time around." Invincible inquired.
"Whether or not you completed the mission isn't the point. You
both partook of a cheap plot made by the author from a pathetic video
game that barely has even minimal fanservice requirements to be
considered 'fanservice'. Thus, you failed." Ilpalazzo answered.
"But you're the one who-" Invincible began.
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord.
"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-*" went Invincible's
mouth as he plummetted.
*SPLASH* went the water that Invincible fell into.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" went the coked-up bear that was currently
bathing in said water.
The door to the pit closed.
"In any case, we shall adjourn until I can devise a new plan for
conquering the city. Take the next week or so off. I'll contact you
when your vacation is over." Ilpalazzo declared.
"Adjourn?" Excel asked.
*TUG* went Ilpalazzo's hand on the rope cord...
"He seemed a bit irritable." Invincible commented, having seen
the complete scene for the first time.
"He hates being manipulated by hack writers." Excel explained.
"Ah." Invincible noted.
The two sighed. The vacation had coincided with the Burger
Maniac burning down. Apparently, management had found out that one of
the chefs was a pyromaniac, a second was a fireworks enthusiast, and a
third was an arsonist a wee bit too late to stop the trio from a
cooperative adventure in the back room. When the Fryalator's oil
caught fire, the rest of the resturaunt was pretty much toast.
Excel's hand found the daily newspaper that Invincible had
brought home. She opened it up to a random page and paused.
"Hey, how about this?" Excel inquired, rolling over and laying
the paper against the floor. Invincible rolled over, then rolled over
the other way so that he was lined up with Excel and the paper.
"Free syringe with every gram of coke?" Invincible inquired.
"No, the one below that." Excel responded.
"Youngest daughter of three arrested for abusive habits in Nerima
Distict, Fiancee marries seven other women?" Invincible asked.
Excel sighed, "Wrong way. I was talking about the ad that reads
'Expendable Extras and/or Main Characters Wanted to Explore F City
Ruins'."
"Oh, that one." Invincible said, blushing with embarrassment.
Ilpalazzo looked down his copy of the Evil Overlord List,
"Visually appealing... dammit! Why doesn't this ever mention anything
for musically-inclined overlords?"
Invincible and Excel looked at the two backpacks full of standard
archaelogical equipment, such as fedora hats, bullwhips, German Lugers
+ appropriate ammo, rope, military iron rations, flashlights with six
sets of spare batteries, and a copy "The Ruin Crawling Guide For
Complete Morons".
"Did you buy this?" Invincible asked.
Excel shook her head, then spoke up as she noticed a tag on each
one, "Well, this one has my name on it and that one has yours."
"So, it's a stupid plot device." Invincible declared.
"More than likely." Excel agreed.
"And why didn't we ever notice the moss-covered ruins right
across from our apartment building?" Invincible asked.
Excel shrugged.
K de C sighed as she stood outside the ruins of F City. Kabapu
had paid her to go in with the paid explorers to make certain that
"none of them posed a threat to the city". Which was rather
ambigiously stated, as just about anything could be a 'threat' to the
city.
At least she had a co-worker. Matsuya Misaki, the newest member
of the City Security, had red hair and eyes, was one-quarter british
and used the suffix '-kun' when referring to scoundrels.
"It wasn't funny when the original series did it." Matsuya told
the author.
"Sorry!" A-kun apologized.
K de C glanced around. There were plenty of extra characters,
but none were worthy of noting. Suffice it to say, most would probably
die or be ignored unless the author decided to give them a higher role
in the story.
"K de C! Look time no see!" Invincible rhymed, seeing his old
friend as he and Excel approached the ruins.
"Invincible! I thought you died back in Madsteram!" K de C
replied.(1)
"Well, you know, what with the name and all..." Invincible
responded, a bit sheepish, before asking a question of his own, "So,
what are you doing here?"
"I'm on the job too. Who's your pouting friend?" K de C asked.
Invincible turned to see that Excel was, indeed, pouting at the
lack of attention, "Oh, this is Excel. Excel, this is K de C, an old
friend of mine. We used to work together for the same organization."
"And this is my partner, Matsuya Misaki, but she prefers
Matsuya." K de C responded.
Introductions concluded as a grey-haired man with a green beard
appeared in front of the crowd.
The green-bearded man snorted as he glared at the crowd, "My name
is Irrelevant. I'm the land-owner for these ruins. However, since
this is an archaelogical find of the century, F City rules say that I
can't claim anything until an archaelogical exploration has taken all
that they could from the site. So, to speed things up, you evil
vultures are going to do that for me. I hope you all die so I can keep
everything!"
Confused by the long-winded speech, Invincible was about to clap
when K de C stopped him. She shook her head. Invincible nodded in
comprehension. At least, he thought he comprehended what she was
implying.
Irrelevant gave one last mean glare towards each of the crowd
members before throwing a smoke bomb at his feet and walking away,
despite the fact that the smoke bomb failed to go off. It rolled down
the stairs towards the crowd.
Excel, following standard logic for parser games, picked up the
smoke bomb. It would no doubt be of use later if the author chose to
focus on it.
A short-haired woman took Irrelevant's place in front of the
crowd. She patted her black hair briefly, before speaking up, "My name
is Momoji and I'll be the ruins exploratory manager. There are five
entrances to the ruins, so please pair up and report to me when you're
in a group that suits you."
K de C, Matsuya, Excel and Invincible found themselves teaming up
as the extras all made small groups of their own.
"I suppose splitting it four ways wouldn't be too bad."
Invincible commented.
"It'll be just like Maricea." K de C replied.
"Heh. That was pretty cool how Ian managed to-" Invincible
began.
K de C grinned, "-and how Tina used that tricked out-"
"-or how about when you had those-" Invincible interupted.
K de C chuckled, "-and then you said to the Prime Minister,"
"'IT'S YOURS NOW!'" they said in unison, before breaking down in
laughter.
"I feel left out." Excel noted.
"Indeed." Matsuya agreed.
Then, without warning, the scene changed.
Shioji Gojo was a genius. A perverted lolicon without the common
sense that evolution granted to 95% of the human race, but a genius
nonetheless. His genius was focused around robotics, programming and
advanced circuitry, all of which lacked any need for common sense.
Of course, there were more than a few times when Kabapu wished
that his most brilliant student was a bit more understanding of the
basic requirements needed for robots to operate within a human society
without being noticed.
"Yes, Shioji, you did fix the problem of Nimatsu walking into
walls repeatedly. But _NOW_, we have the problem of her walking
THROUGH the walls." Kabapu explained.
"It solved your first problem." Shioji responded, offended that
such a minor problem was being picked at. His genius mind didn't like
being nagged at for petty reasons.
Kabapu sighed. It was going to be a long day. He could feel it.
Nimatsu entered the room. She stood roughly five feet tall, with
light pink hair and dark purple eyes. Of course, she was carrying ten
plates of food, which was very unusual. At least, until she spoke,
"Master Shioji, Mister Kabapu, it is time for you to eat your five
dietary meals..."
"I'll see what I can do." Shioji told Kabapu quickly.
Kabapu stood up with Shioji. It would be a long day as they
headed to tackle Nimatsu and turn her off.(2)
Invincible twitched. Excel groaned. K de C sighed. Matsuya
looked for something to shoot to vent her frustration. In front of
them were a myriad of over twenty passageways.
"This is the TENTH time we've come back to this intersection!"
Excel declared after counting the number of marks they'd made on the
floor.
"This is INSANE! We've tried ten turns, and each time, come back
to this exact same place!" K de C snarled.
"DAMMIT! I WANNA FIND SOMETHING!" Invincible yelled, jumping up
and down angrily.
Just then, the floor beneath them made a very loud cracking noise
and slipped down an inch. The quartet exchanged worried glanced just
before the floor gave way.
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 2 - Spontaneous Spelunking, Part 2
Mission - Failed.... probably
(1) No, not Amsterdam.
(2) Ni = Two, Nimatsu is the second robot that Shioji has made for
Kabapu. Don't ask what happened to the first.
=======================================================================
Hyatt: Still not in the story.
Ropponmatsu: I'll keep you company. ^_^
Hyatt: How did you make that symbol appear?
Ropponmatsu: It's a simple matter of hacking the author's computer.
Hyatt: Oh, really? ^o^
Ropponmatsu: Indeed. ^_-
