There were fifteen armies assembled. They looked angrily across

the field at each other. In the middle of the field was a house with a

modest farmer. On a whim, he looked outside to check the weather and

noticed the armies.

The farmer's left eye twitched.

The armies slicked back their 50s style hair and began dancing

while snapping their fingers in time to a familiar tune.

"NO SINGING!" the farmer roared.

Suddenly, and in unison, and very abruptly, that is to say

without warning, they all whipped off their nehru jackets, revealing

pink dougis beneath. They rolled forward and yelled, "OOSHA! We, The

Shotokan Clone Army, do hereby grant A-kun permission to continue

writing his Excel Saga Variation story!"

The farmer's son, who'd been cleaning out the tall tower, was

startled by the mass declaration, fell from the tall tower, landed

safely and began to sing about it.

"NO SINGING!" the farmer shrieked hysterically.

Behind the army of Shotokan Clones, A-kun grinned, "It's one

thing to break their bodies, but breaking their wills? That takes

patience."

================

Excel Saga's Opening Theme

"Loyalty"

Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe

That is not love

Love is not that

I am in love, but I am not loved

Definitely isn't love

Derriere isn't love

I want to be loved, but I never seek it out

I offer myself and throw my life away

Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly

Cheat, weedle, interfere

And trample down and kick strangers!

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)

And we get the hell out!

Even if I slip on a banana peel,

It's all for his sake anyway

If anything, that is probably

A kind of loyalty you might call love

================

Excel groaned.

"I thought my butt would crack..." Excel commented as she looked

around the room she was in. Invincible, K de C and Matsuya were

nowhere to be seen.

However, there was something in the room she was in. It was a

golden sarcophagus, very remiscient of the sort seen in egyptian

exihibits at museums. The only difference was this particular

sarcophagus was in the giant claws of a nasty-looking jade statue.

Excel didn't recall ever seeing the creature that the statue

depicted. She severely doubted that such a creature could have existed

in nature. Fanfiction or anime, sure, but not in nature.

Then, Excel realized that a gold sarcophagus probably had

something cool inside of it!

She hurried up to the sacrophagus... or rather, she climbed up

the status's left knee, then jumped onto it's left arm to stand beside

the sarcophagus. As she touched the lid, the entire sarcophagus began

to glow with a brilliant yellow light and opened, revealing young dark-

haired woman within. A green energy forcefield covered the top, but

dispersed seconds after the lid vanished.

Excel blinked. The last time she'd touched a sarcophagus, all

that'd happened was that it fell on her. The girl inside the fancified

coffin had wavy black hair and wore faint strips of cloth over most of

her body. In her right hand was a golden scythe and in her left was

large spiked mace. Excel took a moment to pout over the fact that the

girl had larger breasts, but quickly got over it as the girl woke up.

"Good morning, chief priestess. Is breakfast ready?" the girl

inquired as she sat up.

Excel stared, "I'm not a priestess, nor am I a chief, therefore,

I can't be a chief priestess."

The girl blinked, "Oh dear. Then I suppose you forgot to disarm

the guardian of the statue."

"The what of the what now?" Excel asked.

Just as she finished asking, the statue's eyes began to glow blue

as cracks ran up and down it's entire body.

"Her. Oh dear, I suppose you and I will be violently killed now.

Oh well, it was a good run." the girl stated apathetically as her

stomach growled, "But I don't suppose you have something I can eat

before I die, do you?"

Excel didn't answer. She grabbed the girl's wrist, causing the

girl to drop her scythe and mace as they ran. The statue's body began

to crack more violently as they exited the room...

Invincible groaned. Whatever had hit him across the eyes felt

somewhat soft, but had something hard in the middle. He reached up to

feel for what it was from the opposite side-

"DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!" Matsuya roared as she hopped off of him

and slammed her fist into his head, cratering the stone beneath his

head.

"MORRWY!" Invincible apologized through fist. Who knew she was

touchy about her feet?

"Where's K de C?" Matsuya inquired as she pulled her fist off of

his face.

"Don't know." Invincible responded, "I was underneath your feet

at the time."

Invicible leapt to his feet and shrugged off his injury as

Matsuya examined the room. They seemed to be a ten foot by ten foot

room with no exits, save for the ceiling, which had a gaping

Invincible-shaped hole.

"Well, we might as well see what's up there." Invincible

commented.

"Right, come over here." Matsuya said, motioning him to one side.

Questions entered into Invincible's mind. Did she have a plan?

Was she going to run over and jump up, ala those old Woman Woman/Bionic

Man shows? Did she want to make out? It seemed that for all the

questions that raced through Invincible's mind, not one was correct.

*BOOT*

Invincible coughed violently as his stomach slammed into the edge

of the hole he'd made during the fall. He dug his fingers into the

stone floor as Matsuya grabbed his ankles and levered herself up onto

the next level, then left him to climb up on his own.

"Bitch." Invincible muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Matsuya asked.

"I said 'Fish', 'cause I could sure go for some right about

now." Invincible answered, rubbing his stomach. He was actually trying

to ease the pain, but it came out looking the same.

They were now in a long stone hallway, lined with lit torches

that hung on the wall.

Matsuya commented on it as she plucked a torch from the wall, "It

would seem that someone has already been through here."

"Or some_thing_. Remember, we don't know anything about these

ruins." Invincible corrected.

"HOT SOUP! COMING THROUGH!" Excel yelled as she and a strange

girl ran down the hall. Excel tossed the girl onto Invincible's back,

"You carry her!"

"What am I? A pack mule?" Invincible demanded as Excel grabbed

his shoulder and Matsuya's wrist and began dragging them along with

her.

"At least tell us what's going on!" Matsuya demanded as she and

Invincible began running with Excel instead of being dragged.

"And tell us who this girl with the nice rack is." Invincible

joined in.

Invincible found himself sporting a painful welt on top of his

head for his comment.

"My name is Princess Hyatt Rosealyn Ayasugi, heiress to the

Dynasty of Robotica." the girl explained.

"Fascinating! FASTER!" Excel cried, as she glanced behind them.

"What's chasing us?" Invincible inquired of Hyatt.

"It's a Mark XXXVIII.II Guardian Model D Eliminator." Hyatt

explained.

"Is that bad?" Matsuya asked.

"Well, I don't think any of the non-Defense models prior to it's

construction could survive against it and a Mark II could kill an

entire village in under five minutes." Hyatt pleasantly explained.

Matsuya and Invincible began running faster.

"Mark III destroy a nearby kingdom... Mark V rook out Earth's

third, fourth and fifth moons... I think it was either Mark VII or VIII

that destroyed a galaxy.... Mark XII melted.... Mark XVII started

breeding these half-human half-ape thingies he called 'Saiyans' on a

distant planet, but he could slaughter them all even when they went to

their 'Super Saiyan IX' stage... Mark XXIX settled down and began

writing stories under the name 'Nabeshin'...." Hyatt continued to

ramble.

"Hey, do you hear something?" Matsuya asked.

"Yeah, but getting her to shut up is the real trick." Invincible

grumbled, gaining a second skull thump for his remark because he was

too busy complaining and not busy ducking enough.

They continued down the hallway.

K de C was lost. However, knowing the jerk-hole that was the

author of the fanfic, rather than let him scare her with another shadow

puppet display, she fell back on a well-used cliche. She grumbled as

she wiped the cliche off her pants as best as she could with a napkin,

and began to sing to ward off any further pranks.

And to aid her singing career, the author changed the story

temporarily into script format.

K de C: Oh, I'm a Mercenary and I'm okay!

I work all night and I sleep all day!

Extras: She's a mercenary, and she's okay.

She sleeps all night and she works all day.

K de C: I cut down crowds. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.

Extras: She cuts down crowds. She eats her lunch.

She goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays she goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea.

She's a mercenary, and she's okay.

She sleeps all night and she works all day.

K de C: I cut down trees. I skip and jump.

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on ambigious clothing

And hang around in bars.

Extras: She cuts down trees. She skips and jumps.

She likes to press wild flowers.

She puts on ambigious clothing

And hangs around in bars?!

She's a mercenary, and she's okay.

She sleeps all night and she works all day.

[Just as the author and K de C were about to invent the third verse,

Excel, Invincible (still carrying Hyatt) and Matsuya burst through the

wall and fell on top of K de C. The author, sensing he could no longer

get away with ignoring the story to make a musical, decided to switch

the story to prose.]

"Verily, ye wenches and bastard, whilst thee watch thine petards

are momenting towards?" K de C demanded.

Invincible apologized, "Twas not our intent to do thee harm, good

lady. We t'were running from a beast, milady."

"Rubbish! T'were a mechanical contraption!" Excel scolded

Invincible.

"Nay, it couldst not be mechanical! It canst eat, dost digest

and may lay waste." Hyatt spoke up.

Matsuya decided to be the arbitrator, "Mayhaps a bio-mechanical

contraption?"

"Aye! Verily couldst be!" Excel and Hyatt agreed.

"Yay, then shouldst we getteth the fucketh out of Dodge-eth?" K

de C asked.

The author changed the story back to it's original setting

(whatever that had been) and continued the scene. Mostly because his

head hurt trying to understand their Olde Englishe Prose.

The quintet turned and ran away, trampling the once-singing

extras to death. Most of the group promptly skidded to a halt when a

character with a description longer than 'dead body' or 'female dead

body' appeared in front of them, as opposed to skidding to a abrupt

halt against a wall, as Invincible did.

"Oh my, this pack mule seems to be bleeding a great deal." Hyatt

noted.

The others, who were waiting patiently for the new character to

be described, responded in unison, "He'll get over it."

The new character was female, roughly six feet tall with short

purple hair, had dark purple eyes and wore a white skin-tight leotard

that turned nearly translucent as it was pulled tight by the girl's

enormous-

"-boobies, which is the pluralization of a rather stupidly name

bird." a teacher told her class.

"Why does this author have a fixation on enormous breasts?" Excel

demanded.

"And why did he bother to have an abrupt cut away without do some

sort of roundabout method of getting back to us, like in Austin Powers,

which he's obviously ripping off?" K de C joined in.

Invincible, having recovered from most of his injuries, save for

the bleeding, answered for the author, "The boobs were part of the

original design for the characters, but the rip off thing was cut short

in hopes that people might not care if it's not dragged out."

"Wait, there's only one other large-chested female in our

original story," Matsuya began, "And that would be Roppomatsu Adult /

Number One (or "One" for short)!"

"Correct, however, in this rewrite, I am the Guardian of the

Statue." Ropponmatsu One explained.

"Man, it sucks not having an imaginative author." Excel

commented.

Suddenly, the ruins exploded.

"OH REAL MATURE, A-KUN!" Excel yelled as she and the others flew

off into the distance.

=======================================================================

Excel Saga: Alternate Universe

Episode 3 - The Enormous Statue

Mission - Failed. Definitely Failed.

=======================================================================

Iwata Norikuni: Why can't WE be in the story?

Toru Watanabe: Because he's probably trying to figure out what to do

with us.

Sumiyoshi Daimaru: Hey! I can talk!