Chapter Eleven

*

Cid sat alone in his room, staring at nothing, utterly crushed.

Now it was his turn to have tears running from his eyes.

'I really thought he loved me back.. all that shit for all those @#$%ing weeks, and he runs away when I tell him how I feel. It's so @#$%ed up. All I think about is him! I'd die for him! Why...? Were all those kisses, those long talks, the embraces... were they nothing to him? I can't stand it. He just tore my soul right out of my @#$%ing chest and stamped on it. He broke my heart.

I love him so much, how could he do this to me?

I had to tell him how I felt, it was eating me up inside.

But, why did I ever think that he could feel the same way? I'm such a @#$%ing idiot! I was hoping for the impossible. I know that he can't feel things like regular people can. And yet still it shattered me inside when he ran away.

It wasn't love at first sight, but it was love ever since Gongaga. I know that now.

He's so beautiful, I've never seen anything or anyone like him; his eyes... so deep and crimson like blood, so sad and meaningful... whenever he looks at me I feel my heart swell in my chest, I just wanna hold him, feel his body close to mine, sink my face into his hair.

Over and over I imagine that his feelings are as strong as mine, that he hadn't run away...'

Cid scowled at himself and angrily wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I'm such a @#$%ing wuss..." He leaned forward, hanging his head. He was not the sort of man to admit defeat easily, but now he felt utterly hopeless and beaten.

He cringed with shame as he remembered his idiotic happy outbursts at the beach as he started back towards the house. He hadn't thought at the time that there might be any other outcome other than Vincent smiling and saying happily "Oh, Cid, I love you too!".

And they all lived happily ever after.

Yeah right.

Vincent had major issues, and though Cid tried his best it seemed they could not be overcome.

"So @#$%ing stupid..." He muttered, his voice hoarse from crying. He hated crying. It made him feel so weak and pathetic.

But why didn't Vincent seem pathetic when he cried?

Because... he was so brave. Through all of it.

'I'd be crying a lot more than him if I'd gone through all the things he has... I just wish he'd let me in... I'd comfort him forever.'

Cid frowned and sat up. Well, if it was going to end like this, Cid wasn't going to just crawl off with his tail between his legs. He's promised himself ever since he left home that he wouldn't ever be a coward, and that he would face up to things honestly and without cowardice. He stood up, sniffing and wiping his eyes. With grim determination he strode out of the room and down the stairs, looking for Vincent.

*

He didn't have to look far. Vincent was sitting on the couch in the living room, the TV was on quietly and Vincent was almost timidly hunched up, his arms folded around his knees as he stared desperately at the flickering screen.

The scene almost put Cid off, as this was an unusual thing for Vincent to do. Why was he watching the TV? Cid squinted at the screen... Cars. A program about car mechanics. As far as Cid knew, Vincent didn't give a flying @#$% about car mechanics.

But strangest of all was Vincent's mannerisms; his expression and the way he was sitting.

He was hunched up, leaning forward in a childlike posture, and his expression was of a desperate mix between sad and afraid.

Cid stood for a moment, his own presence in the room feeling to him like lead over the timorous figure of Vincent sitting low on the couch.

"Vincent." He said, his voice still cracked slightly from crying. He couldn't remember ever using Vincent's full first name before that. He vaguely hoped that his eyes weren't red and puffy; he didn't want Vincent to know he'd been crying over him... not now, anyway.

Vincent looked up slowly at Cid. Cid saw that he'd been crying too. Vincent's face looked so... hurt.

Cid felt overwhelmingly guilty for a moment before remembering it was him that had been hurt.

"I..." Cid started. "I wanna know why." He said simply.

Vincent looked away. "Why what?" He asked quietly, more out of avoidance of speaking than an actual question.

"Why all this. All these @#$%ing weeks of us... of us talking and bonding, and being close... and kissing... and being scared of our feelings, when you simply didn't have any." 

Vincent's face snapped round to stare at Cid, hurt. That's not true, his eyes accused silently.

Cid wasn't put off yet.

"You can't tell me, Vin, you can't tell me that it doesn't mean anything to you!" Cid cursed inwardly as his eyes started to fill up with tears again. His voice started to crack. "Not now, not when I've fallen in love with you! Do you know how hard it was for me at first to admit that? How scared it made me feel just thinking about telling you?" A tear fell from one of his azure eyes.

"I'm... sorry..." Vincent murmured quietly.

Cid punched the wall with a yell. "Don't you @#$%ing DARE apologise!!" He shouted. "It's so @#$%ing WEAK, just like her, just like Shera, and it just ain't you! That's one of the reasons I fell for you so @#$%ing hard, because you aren't weak..." His shouts faded into sobs. "Weak... like me..." He whispered, and slid down the wall, weeping bitterly. Vincent saw that his knuckles were bleeding where he punched the wall.

He quickly got up off the couch and sat next to Cid, gathering the broken pilot in his arms. Cid didn't want to out of pride, but found himself clinging hopelessly to Vincent.

Vincent stroked Cid's hair, softly amused to find their roles reversed for once.

"Cid..." Vincent began quietly.

"No, don't..." Cid begged, through his tears. "Don't say anything..."

"But Cid..."

"I can't take it, I can't take the explanation, the reasons..." Half of him wanted to tear himself away from Vincent and the other half wanted to hold him forever.

"Cid... I love you too."

Cid stopped dead as he was railing on underneath Vincent's simple few words. "What?"

Vincent lowered his head. "You heard me."

Cid jerked back from him and stared at him. "You're lying. Don't @#$%ING lie to me!"

"It's what you want to hear, isn't it?" Vincent murmured, his face partly obscured by a curtain of dark hair.

In his mind, Cid cried out. 'Yes! With all my heart, yes! But you can't be telling the truth, not after this...'

"No. Because you're @#$%ing lying. You're only saying it to stop me freaking out on you! Well I can't be fooled like that!"

"I never said that I didn't love you, did I?" Vincent defended himself.

"No, but you didn't need to! You went all rigid on me and ran off! If that doesn't scream "I don't" then what the @#$% does, Valentine?"

"I was scared!!" Vincent suddenly shouted, uncharacteristically. Cid immediately shut up.

"I'm still scared..." Vincent whispered, his intense crimson eyes boring into Cid's azure ones.     

"What can love mean to a creature like me?" He asked Cid. "How can I make you happy, when I can't show emotion like a normal human being? I couldn't even feel sad when Aeris died. I'm not even worthy of your love."

"I don't @#$%ing care!" Cid cried. "All I know is that I love you! What's so @#$%ing complicated about that?!"

Vincent stared back at Cid's intense eyes silently. He didn't know. Why was he fighting? Why was he pushing Cid away, when Cid was the only thing he cared about in the whole world?

"You've helped me such a lot, Cid... you've taught me to feel things more than I could have before I met you. Now you've even taught me what love feels like. Real love. But... I don't know if I can give you what you need."

Cid was clinging to a thread of hope. Vincent really did love him? "I can teach you a lot more, Vin, if you'd only @#$%ing let me..."

Vincent's eyes shimmered and a tear fell from one of them.

But... this was not a tear of grief, guilt, or anguish.

It was a tear of happiness.

"Why do you always have to... swear so much, Highwind..?" Vincent asked quietly, smiling at Cid, who wiped the tear from Vincent's cheek.

Cid smiled faintly, and clutched Vincent to his chest, who held Cid back just as tightly.

"I love you so @#$%ing much..." Cid whispered passionately.

Vincent said nothing, but held Cid really tight, which was all the answer he needed.

~~~

*

Vincent and Cid lay curled in each other's arms, just gazing at each other quietly. Cid's fingers stroked gently through Vincent's hair.

"I guess... this means we go back on board the ship after all, tomorrow?" Vincent asked gently.

Cid caressed Vincent's face with his own. "Yeah. We've got a reason to fight now." He smiled. "Are we okay to tell everybody about us?"

Vincent nodded and closed his eyes, the fingers of his right hand toying with the short blond hair at the back of Cid's neck. "You can tell whoever you like. I don't care as long as I have you with me."

Cid kissed Vincent's pale shoulder. "And I ain't lettin' go now I've got you." He murmured.

Vincent said nothing but pressed his face against Cid's neck.

Cid let his fingers bury themselves in Vincent's slightly tangled hair and looked out of the partly open window. He noticed the sky was a deep orange glow - the sun was setting. He smiled to himself slightly as he recalled his earlier promise that the issues he and Vincent had were going to be resolved by the time of that very sunset.

It was just so perfect, lying there in Vincent's arms, holding him close... he wished he could lie there like that forever. His arms and legs felt like they'd melted away into nothing and he was just floating in bliss.

"So how'd you like my room?" Cid murmured close into Vincent's ear.

One of Vincent's eyes half opened. "It's nice. It's yours." He said, the latter being the compliment on Vincent's part.

"Never had anyone stay here before," Cid noted, his eyes roving over his own belongings and the odd carelessly strewn garment with a newly critical gaze. He wondered vaguely if the room would class as in order or just plain messy; he couldn't tell because he was so used to it. "Course, you can change it however you want when you move in. You're probably way @#$%in' tidier than me."

Vincent froze for a moment. "Move... in..?"

Cid winced as Vincent's face was still nestled in the crook of his neck. Had he put his foot in it again?

"Um... if you want to, that is... I ain't forcin' ya... but I'd be really happy if ya did. 'Cause I love ya so much see, I wanna be around ya all the time." He said, trying to sound casual while all the time his heart was thumping in his ears.

"Of course I will. I'd love to." Vincent said unexpectedly, and raised his head from Cid's chest to look at him. "I love you." He kissed Cid lightly on the lips, and Cid put his arms tight around Vincent and kissed him back properly.

"Christ, Vin... you don't know how good it feels to hear you say that."

Vincent had never felt like this in his life. It was more than happiness, because it washed away all other emotions in its wake. It was...  ecstasy..? bliss..? heaven..? No words could describe the feelings that swelled in  his chest and burst forth like doves into the light when Cid held him, kissed him...

He closed his eyes and caressed Cid's face with his lips. This was love. It was perfect, and for the moment nothing else mattered.

Suddenly, Cid's phone rang on the bedside table, making Cid groan.

"Who the @#$%?" He mumbled as he stretched over to pick it up. "Y'ello?"

Vincent laid his head upon Cid's chest and listened to the deep rumbling of Cid's vocal cords as he spoke.

Hello, Captain? It's Shera...

"Shera?? How the @#$% did you know I was home?"

Vincent's eyes fixed on Cid's face.

Well, my parents live in Kalm. When I arrived here I bumped into a friend of yours... Mr. Wallace?

Cid frowned. "Mr Wallace..?"

Vincent couldn't think of who it might be and just continued to watch Cid's face.

A voice came from the background on the other end of the phone. You damn jackass! it's ME! Ah came t'see Marlene!

"Barret's second name is Wallace?!" Cid guffawed, his shaking chest making Vincent lift his head.

Captain? I thought you would know him. Yes, he said that you might be home, so I thought I'd call. Do you want me to come home while you're there?

Cid shook his head. "No, no, Shera. We're fine, honestly."

"We"? Is there someone else there, captain?

Cid's eyes widened. "Oh, uh, yeah. Vin's with me. Say hi, Vin." He lowered the phone to Vincent's face, which had resumed its place upon Cid's chest.

"Hi Shera."

Oh, hello! Nice to speak to you again! How are you?

"Oh, I'm great, thank you for asking. You are well, I presume?"

Cid saw this start of a conversation as a chance to hand Vincent the phone and light a cig.

Vincent narrowed his eyes as Cid grinned at him through the smoke. Vincent raised himself up on his elbows, his right hand curling the cord around his fingers instinctively. As he moved, the bed creaked quite noisily and Vincent wondered if Shera heard it.

If she had heard, she didn't mention it as she talked on and on about where the tea things were kept as Cid never made the tea and therefore wouldn't know where they were, and how she was telling Vincent this as Cid would either get cranky with her or wouldn't listen.

Vincent smiled patiently and nodded, going "hmm," every now and then as Cid chuckled at him. Vincent poked him in the ribs with his flesh fingers every now and then if he got too cheeky.

"Ow!"

Is... everything okay?

Cid yelped as Vincent poked him particularly hard and launched himself at the paler man, knocking the phone out of his hand and pinning him to the bed. As the phone collided with the floor it ended the call. Both Cid and Vincent looked at it.

"Whoops." Cid grinned.

"Poor Shera will think something's wrong." Vincent noted, only the slightest trace of a smile on his face as he struggled to get out from under Cid's grip.

"There is something wrong. I want your lips back." Cid grinned.

Vincent shook his head and kissed Cid, and as usual Cid turned it into something more fierce.

***

Cid yawned as he slumped down the stairs the next morning, scratching the back of his neck. He stumbled over to the kettle and filled it with water before clicking it on and getting two mugs from the mug rack. He looked at the clock on the wall as he unscrewed the lid of the coffee jar. "Nine twenty six... @#$%." He started to think a little about the past day's events as he made the coffee. After he and Vincent had started really kissing the previous evening, it had been taken up to Cid's bedroom and gone on from there. It had been very nervous at first, since it was a first for the both of them. Well, it was Cid's first time with a man, he didn't know about Vincent. But then, something in Vincent's shyness suggested it was Vincent's first time period.

Shy... that was a good word to describe how Vincent had been. Shy, but willing. Very willing, once things got in motion.

Cid grinned to himself, a burning cig in his mouth even then as he stirred the coffee in the mugs.

"Captain!"

Cid blinked at Shera's voice and turned round to see her standing in the doorway with her bags, and was about to ask her what she was doing home when he realised he was naked.

"Mother @#$%in' goddammit!" He exclaimed as he covered himself.

"ARGH!!" Shera went bright red and covered her eyes hastily. "C-captain, I'm so sorry!!" She stammered.

Cid grabbed a tea towel from near the cooker and wrapped it around his waist. "Shera!! What are you doing here?! I thought you were in Kalm!!" He was also bright red.  

"When there was that commotion last night when you were on the phone, it suddenly went dead and I was worried that there was something wrong! I tried and tried to get through again but the phone was dead, so I came straight back as quick as I could!"

Cid groaned. The phone had remained on the floor as Vincent and he had become otherwise occupied and forgot all about it...

"What's all the noise?" Cid heard Vincent's bare feet come down the stairs softly.

"N-N-no, Vin! It's fine, go back upstairs-" Cid yelled up urgently.

Shera turned to face the stairs just to see a glimpse of bare pale skin and a streak of black hair flash back up the stairs the way it came, followed by a hurried thumping as Vincent ran back up the stairs after having seen Shera.

Despite the embarrassment Cid felt, he was sure that the sight of Vincent's shocked face as he saw Shera before hurtling himself back up the stairs would be a memory he'd cherish forever.

Shera turned back to look at Cid. "I'm sorry, captain... I didn't mean to intrude but I was worried... I know you're okay now so I'll go now." She picked up her bags again.

Cid didn't particularly want to be with anyone else apart from Vincent, but his kind heart got the better of him. "No, Shera, no. Come on. You just got here after travelling all this way... I'll make you some coffee, there's some in the pot still. Come on, sit down... I'll just er, get dressed..." He hastily ran up the stairs, the tea towel still clutched firmly to his waist.

Shera smiled, shaking her head. She stood up and went to the sink, finishing preparing the coffee.

*

Cid walked in to his room to see Vincent pulling on his clothes, all in a flap.

"Did she see me?" He asked Cid somewhat concernedly as he came in, buttoning up his black shirt.

Cid dropped the towel and picked up his own clothes, starting to put them on. "Um... I think she did, yeah. Just yer tail end crashing up the stairs." He chuckled. "Don't worry, she saw all of me when she walked in. The full @#$%in' Monty!"

"From the front or back?" Vincent asked, his expression one of embarrassment but with a tweak of mirth in there somewhere.

"Oh, both! I heard her behind me so I @#$%in' turned round, didn't I!"

"Oh dear God." Vincent muttered.

"I know!" Cid buttoned up his pants.

"So I suppose Shera will be the first one to know about us?" Vincent finished dressing and combed his fingers through his hair, trying to untangle it.

Cid sighed as he pulled on his black t-shirt. "Yup." He smiled.

"Well. Perhaps it's for the best." Vincent ran his fingers over Cid's cheek. "Are we ready?"

"Yeah. C'mon."

The pair quietly walked downstairs, to find Shera putting the radio on in the kitchen; three mugs of coffee were arranged on the table.

Cid and Vincent looked at each other.

"Shera? You didn't have to do that. You just got back." Cid said, sitting down at the table in front of a mug. Vincent waited a moment before following suit.

Shera came over and took the third chair, smiling. "Oh, don't worry about it. I'm just glad everything's okay. Barret told me in Kalm that you all had some time to go home and find something you needed to fight for, and then go back... or not to go back if you couldn't find anything." She looked at Vincent and Cid. "So, did you find something?" She smiled.

Cid and Vincent looked at each other again, briefly.

"Yes."

"Yeah."

Shera sighed, smiling. "Well that's great. But I guess it means you'll be leaving again. I went to my parents' because I didn't want to be alone while that horrid Meteor is hanging up in the sky... I just can't find the effort to go all the way back now."       

Cid nodded. "I'm sorry, Shera. We were just messing around and the phone fell onto the @#$%in' floor, that's why it went dead." He scratched the back of his head. "Oh, and uh... about before, when you came in..."

Shera smiled. "Please, don't worry about that. I worked it out myself, no need to say anything."

Cid blushed a little bit, he and Vincent exchanged almost sheepish glances.

"So, um... you figured that me and Vin, we're...?" He made various gestures to Vincent and himself with his two index fingers.

"Yes, I even had my suspicions last night whilst we were on the phone."

Cid blinked.

"But how, while we were on the phone?" Vincent asked.

"Well," Shera smiled. "The only landline phone in the house that's working is in Cid's bedroom. The one down here's broke. You must have already been in there because you picked up after only one ring. And, um... I heard the bed creak a few times. Cid's bed is really noisy - before he left Rocket Town to go with you and Cloud, it used to wake me up in my room when he'd get up in the night for a drink."

"It ain't that @#$%in' noisy!" Cid blushed. He tried to think back to when he and Vincent had actually been giving the bed something to creak about, but having been otherwise occupied at the time he couldn't recall the amount of noise it made.

Cid seemed to be in a sort of daydream. Vincent nudged him.

"Huh? What were you sayin'?"

"I wasn't..." Shera said. "Anyway," She said. "I'm happy for you, Captain. And you, Vincent!" She smiled at both of them, then sipped her coffee. "So, are you going back to your team later?"

The pair looked at each other, then Cid grinned. "Sure are. We got stuff to fight for, and we ain't gonna let them numbskulls fight that evil @#$%er all on their lonesome. They'd get their @#$%in' asses kicked without good ol' Cid there to save the day." He paused. "Oh, and Vince. He'll be helpful too."

Vincent gave him a deadpan look.

"So... when d'ya think we should leave?" Cid asked, sparking up a cig.

Vincent looked at the wood grain on the table. "Perhaps we should leave straight away. We don't know how long Cloud will wait for everyone to come back. If they come back, or course."

Cid grunted. "The spiky-ass punk better not take off with my ship, or I'll kill the lil' bastard."

*

And so, after about an hour of getting ready to leave and saying goodbye to Shera, Vincent and Cid set off to find the Highwind, to embark on their final journey as AVALANCHE to defeat the Great Sephiroth and save the planet from the Meteor.

The journey to the ship was quiet and comfortable, sometimes Cid would whistle an old tune to himself or make a comment every now and then, Vincent would reply shortly but other than that the pale man was silent. Cid had learned well enough now that Vincent's silences were quite natural, and as long as there didn't seem to be an atmosphere accompanying it the silence was usually indicative of good humour in the quieter one.

They strolled along the various fields until they reached the landing site that Cloud had organised in case anyone wanted to come back. Cid jogged up to the rope ladder and was just starting to climb it when he spotted something on the rocky plain below.

"Hey, is that... Cloud..?" Cid said, squinting at the rocks.

"..And Tifa." Vincent finished for him, spotting the pair easily with his keen sight. "We'd best leave them to it. Come on." He averted Cid's gaze from the pair to the rope ladder by ministering a firm slap to Cid's rear with his good hand.

Cid grinned, laughing. "Valentine! I never knew you had a naughty streak! Well, up until last night I didn't..." He chuckled as he started to climb.

"Enough. Climb." Vincent shoved Cid to make him climb more quickly.

Cid didn't see the broad smile on Vincent's face.

*

End of Chapter Eleven

*

That's a LONG chapter for me, ain't it? Heh. ^_^