Special thanks to Diana, for her help on this chapter.  Any mistakes you find are my own.

In the Shadows of the Mind

CHAPTER 18 – A Different Need

For the second time that evening they found themselves staring at the ceiling out of breath. This time, she turned to him.  She curled up to his side not saying a word.  His arms found their way around her.  They laid there for some time in the silence.  Neither really knew what was to come next.  Both were content to lay in the stillness of the night in each other's arms.

Time passed, and Sophie realized she was starving.  With a start and a smile she turned to Severus, "Hey, weren't we supposed to have lunch? I've been deceived."

He smiled out of the corner of his mouth. "I was going to take you to Hogsmeade actually, but it seems you had a detour in mind."

She blushed, "Yes…well…that's beside the point, really……I do believe I have provisions in the kitchen."  She got out of bed and walked across the room to her closet.  She returned clad in a large T-shirt, holding a robe for Severus. 

"This should fit," she offered.

He sat up and turned to face her.  Deceivingly steady hands grasped the robe while a pair of solemn black eyes looked up at her. Her hair lay scattered across slender shoulders as she stood in front of him in that oversized shirt. For the first time since he'd met her she looked frail and delicate. Looking at her sweet, fair face something akin to anguish settled in his stomach. Laying the robe on his lap, he placed his hands on her waist, letting his head drop forward to lean against her belly.  She stroked her fingers through his hair wondering what he was thinking.  She desperately wanted to ask but resisted, leaving him to his thoughts.  He finally let go and rose, quietly wrapping the robe his subdued body.

Sophie went into the kitchen and pulled out some bread, cheese and fruit.  She started to pour herself some wine when he entered.

"Would you like some?" she asked.  He nodded.

He was being rather quiet as they ate, and this concerned Sophie.  She was starting to feel a little uncomfortable and for the first time since they entered her home, she felt that she might have rushed things.  'Damn it.  It shouldn't be this hard.'

As if reading her thoughts, he took the wine from her and smiled softly.  "You keep food in your quarters.  It explains why you miss so many meals."

"I try to make myself available to others as much as possible.  That sometimes interferes with normal meal times.  Sometimes I just work through meals completely…I'm surprised you notice that I am not always there."

"There is very little about you I do not notice," he said, his voice soft and rasping.

"I notice things, too." She tried to match his timbre.

"And what do you notice?"

She gave a small swallow.  "That you should be a lot happier than you are……. I, for example, feel content and blissful while you, having shared the same experiences, seem as if the sky is falling." She looked at him intently.  "Is the sky falling, Severus?"

A whisper. "Yes, it is."  A deafening quiet followed. "I have to leave."

Confusion. "I was rather hoping you would spend the night."

Sorrow. "I can't."

Pain. "Why?"

Pain. "Because this can go no further.  It has gone too far already."

Silence.

Anger.  "Forgive my stupidity, but I got the impression that we both enjoyed the events of this evening and I, for one, wouldn't mind revisiting them."

"Tonight was," --incredible, marvelous, miraculous-- "lovely."  Even he cringed at the choice.  "But a relationship of this sort is not possible for me now."

"What does that mean?" Sophie was indignant.  "Why is different now than a few moments ago?"

He did not answer; he simply got up to leave.  She blocked his exit.

"If you think I am going to let you walk out on me like this, you are mistaken….."  She gathered her strength and continued.  "Giving myself to you is not something I do lightly.  I do not make it a habit of sleeping with men to have them leave right afterwards…….I care for you, Severus, and I thought that you cared for me……."  She was shaking, whether from anger or fear, she was not sure.  "If you can look me in the eye and tell me tonight meant nothing to you, then I will let you pass.  I initiated this evening, and you owe me nothing save the truth.  But if you cannot admit that, then you have to admit that there is something very special between us and that it deserves to be explored."

She could see the conflict in his eyes as he tried to gather his thoughts. Finally he spoke, looking as if he was fighting the words that came out of his mouth: "Tonight meant a lot to me….More than I am able to admit. But it can't go on.  I have watched you religiously since you came here.  I can tell you that you are a vegetarian, that you bite your nails when you are nervous, and that you work till all hours of the night only sleeping when you are at the height of exhaustion.  I can tell you that you run your fingers through you hair far too much and that you mumble to yourself when you think no one is looking.  You have a deep attachment to chocolate covered strawberries, and you hum at different intervals throughout the day. What I cannot tell you is what you want to hear; whether I feel it or not is irrelevant.  You and I can never be in an intimate relationship.  It has to end now." He shifted his eyes to look past her as he brushed by. 

She flew into a rage and followed him, "I have news for you, Severus; we are in an intimate relationship and have been before tonight ever happened.  As much as you like to think you are in control of your emotions, you are not. You simply choose to ignore all that happens around you for fear of intimacy, for fear that maybe, just maybe there is something more in this world for you."

"This world holds nothing for me," he said in a tone that matched hers. "Don't you understand? My death warrant was signed the minute Voldemort returned.  I am living on borrowed time and probably sooner rather than later, he will come to collect……You are looking at a dead man……. I must be prepared to die, and I can't have you complicating my life."

"I pity any man who views love as a complication." Her voice was as hard as stone.

He froze not wanting to believe what he just heard.

"Shocked, are you? Well yes, I said it.  Severus Snape, I love you.  And if you think those words roll easily of my tongue, you are misguided. If you think you are the only one in Voldemort's line of fire, you are also egotistical.  I took my life in my own hands the minute I had the audacity to forsake my world and be a part of yours.  I am just as much a target as you, if not more, because I do not have the power to fight back.  I allow myself to be vulnerable and defenseless in this world because I choose to fight.  I also choose not to let fear control my life, and if it is true, then I am also living on borrowed time.  I refuse to waste that time.  I refuse to turn away from love under the delusion that it is noble.  I will die knowing that I had fought for a life worth living." 

Her words poured out in rapid succession. For several moments, all that could be heard was her breathing.

Severus's shoulders dropped slightly. "I do not fear dying," he whispered in a haunted tone. "My fear is for the living.  For those I leave behind, for those who will suffer because they were associated with me……  I cannot have any more blood on my hands."

His words hit Sophie like a brick wall.  Suddenly, she realized why he was pushing her away….Cecilia.  "You're afraid he will make me suffer like……"

"I died that day," he said a gruffly.  "I finally got a bit of my life back.  I finally remembered what joy felt like……..I looked at you and..." He stopped and swallowed before he continued, "…I ached for you from the moment I first saw you.  I dreamt of what it would be like to touch you.  I tried to fight it, but I couldn't.  I tried to hate you, but you made that impossible.  I tried to just be your friend, but I wanted more.  Tonight I gave in to the hunger that has been consuming me these last few months, to the growing need I had for closeness since hearing of Voldemort's return.  I was weak, but there is time to correct that. If I walk out that door now, I can face death with a clear conscience knowing that I did not cause any more suffering in this life."

"And you consider denying love not suffering?" she pleaded.

He did not answer.

"There will be suffering in this life anyway, Severus.  All you are saving yourself from is your own ego.  You act as if turning your back on those who care about you will make them suffer less.  Why?  Because you may not be around to see it happening?  I would rather put my heart out for all to see and fight for it rather than just accept a destiny foretold by a mad man.  He will come for us anyway, Severus……I know you are prepared to die.   What I am asking is-- are you prepared to live?"

 "You make it sound like I have a choice," he managed to say. 

"We all have choices, Severus," she said softly. She walked over to him, raised her hand, and stroked his cheek, mimicking her earlier action. And as before, he took her hand and kissed it. He held it to his face and closed his eyes. After a moment, he finally looked at her.

He spoke tenderly: "I am making a choice.  I choose to try to make those around me safe.  I choose not to endanger anyone's life any more than it already is.  I choose to leave now because the thought of anyone harming you in my name shakes me to my foundation, and I cannot bear it.  It may be the coward's way out, but it is what I must do."  He leaned over to her and gently kissed her forehead.

He entered the bedroom and came out a few minutes later, dressed in the clothes he wore during their flight.  Sophie had not moved from the spot where he kissed her.  He turned to her one last time, memorizing her as he had done previously that evening - the curve of her face, the lines of her body.  Her.  Without another word, he left.

Sophie dropped to the floor and wept.