Sorry for the delay in posting. Real life has been very uncooperative lately.
I must relay a thank you to Diana for helping me work through this chapter. As always it wouldn't be as good without her help.
I also want to send out special thank yous (is that a word?) to those who reviewed here but also those who emailed me personally. Your encouragement has been unbelievable.
Chapter 19 – Broken
Three days later, Sophie still had difficulty getting out of bed. Images replayed before her eyes like a silent movie; no words, just disjointed movement, surreal and colorless. She could still smell him in the sheets – herb and fire and musk. All she had the strength to do was stare out the window at the snow that had begun to fall earlier that morning. 'The new year is coming,' she thought solemnly. 'Perhaps, I should resolve to control my emotions once in a while. Or better yet, not have any at all.'
She usually exercised better judgment. She usually understood people better than they understood themselves. But then again, she had never met anyone quite like Severus Snape. 'How could I have been so wrong?' she mourned, chastising herself for her arrogance. 'You assumed that he felt as you did, that he would jump at the chance of being with you. Instead he ran out the door.' She had to admit he gave her good reasons for his fears, but it did not help the situation. Now, she only loved him more for his sacrifice.
Was it a sacrifice? 'Maybe he just did not want this as much as you did.' The more she thought about it, the more she tried to convince herself that that was the case. Her own condescension and presumption and impudence were her downfall. She assumed too much and was paying the price for it. Now it was time to get out of bed.
For a brief second, she considered braving the weather and returning to her hot spring in the Forbidden Forest. The heat of the spring mixed with the chill in the air would be invigorating. But then she remembered her last trip and her encounter with Severus…………Severus. How was she going to continue to work here? How was she going to face him after all the things they said and did? She stopped to think of what they did, and she started to get warm all over.
"Damn it, no," she said aloud. "It is not going to end like this." She sat up still tangled in the linen. "All your stupid talk about fighting for a life worth living," she mocked herself. "Then, go fight for it. Or are you just all talk Sophie? Are you a damn coward?" Now she was angry, and with her new anger came determination.
Life was too short to waste on regret. Life was too short to waste. Life was too short.
She decided it was time to start feeling like a woman again. She got up to take a shower. As she scrubbed her hair with fierce and resolute fingers, her mind was preparing a speech. Phrases like, "wasting time"…."need each other"…."so much loss"…."love, Severus love, " were spoken out loud while she dressed. After several minutes, she appraised herself in her mirror. She let her hair hang down over a pink sweater. Pink always made her feel feminine, and she needed all the help she could get. When she was satisfied, she grabbed her jacket and, pausing to take one last deep breath, she opened the door and stepped out.
She nearly stumbled on the mass that blocked her path. On the ground, barely breathing, was Draco Malfoy.
It took a minute for Sophie to realize who it was. If it hadn't been for the blond hair, she would never have recognized him. She bent over him, placing a hand on his shoulder, and softly called his name,
"Draco. Draco, can you hear me?" He strained to look up at her, swollen eyes trying to focus through the glare of the sun and dried blood. He was badly bruised; a cut under his right eye trailed blood down his face, his lip was split, and his cheek was black and blue. Sophie couldn't help but notice the bruises on his neck that looked suspiciously like finger marks. A wave of nausea almost overtook her as she wondered what other marks lay beneath his clothes.
"Oh God in Heaven," she whispered through rapid breathing and tears. She tried with all her might to lift him, but his body lay like dead weight on the ground. With much trouble, she finally managed to get him inside and on the couch. She kept trying to talk to him, to get some answers, but he remained silent, breathing heavily as if winded. When he was able to sit up, she gave him a glass of water. Slowly, he sipped the fluid, flinching as it hit his battered lip. She grabbed a nearby blanket and wrapped it around his weary form.
"Let me take you to the infirmary," she offered. He only shook his head in response, as vigorously as he could manage despite the obvious pain of the movement.
"Okay." Sophie had dealt enough with Draco to know that he needed some space. She retrieved a first aid kit from the bathroom and clumsily began an iodine prep. She tried to calm herself as she spoke, "This is going to sting a little, but I want to dress some of your wounds." He gave a short nod. As gently as she could, she dabbed the solution in his face. She thought he would wince from the pain, but instead, he seemed to be responding to her hand's touch on his face, almost leaning into it.
Sophie sat adhering bandages to his open wounds. She cleaned him up as best she could and tried to make him as comfortable as possible while he sat mutely. After almost an hour, he sighed and finally spoke. "Will you hold me?" The words were hardly more than a whisper, and he could not bring himself to look in her eyes.
Sophie felt her heart break at his simple request. When had she forgotten that he was a child? When had she forgotten that he was not the enemy? She put the medicines down and sat back on the couch holding her arms out to him. He did not look at her as he leaned into to her arms and curled up against her. Time passed. He did not speak or cry; he seemed numb. Sophie rocked him gently and stroked his hair.
While she held him, Sophie thought of her mother and the way in which she held her after Alice's death. Mum was always so good at giving comfort. She always knew just what to say and do. Sophie never felt as inadequate as she did right now. Years of training and dealing with people still left even the most adept professionals ill-prepared to deal with someone they had grown to care about. And she had grown to care about Draco. If the horror she had felt at finding him on her doorstep, beaten and nearly unconscious, was any indication, she cared quite a bit. When did she develop such a soft spot for the Slytherins?
One thing she did know was that Draco did not need a therapist right now; he needed a friend, he needed a mother. Where the hell was his mother? Sophie shook away the anger. Not now. Instead she went back to the thoughts of her own mother and her ability to comfort. She drew from that bond and that love and her sorrow found words in a song from another life. With tears falling down her cheek, she sang softly and continued to hold him close -
"Broken windows and empty hallways,
a pale lit moon and the sky streaked with gray,
human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's going to rain today.
Scarecrows dressed in the latest style,
frozen smiles that chase love away,
human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's going to rain today.
Lonely……Lonely,
tin can at my feet,
I think I'll kick it down the street,
that's the way to treat a friend,
Bright before me,
the signs of glory,
help the needy,
and show them the way,
human kindness is overflowing,
and I think it's going to rain today."
Within minutes, he was asleep.
Severus Snape was sitting in Albus Dumbledore's quarters sipping tea and trying to forget.
"Severus? Severus, are you listening?" There was no reproach in his voice, only concern.
"I apologize, Headmaster," Severus answered in an empty voice. "I have been out of sorts the last few days."
"I see," he replied, barely hiding his amusement. "Care to talk about it?"
'Why are his damn eyes twinkling?' Severus thought with exasperation as Albus spoke. "There is not much to discuss, sir."
"This wouldn't have anything to do with Dr. Young, would it?" He was now boasting a full-blown grin.
Snape sat quietly, one eyebrow raised, wondering exactly how much the ancient wizard knew. "Why do you say that?" he finally asked.
Dumbledore poured more tea. "It seems two jovial people where spotted flying a broom together a few days ago…….I wouldn't have mentioned it, but the witness swears you and the lovely doctor were out for a trip." he said with a hint of delighted amusement.
Severus considered denying the incident completely, perhaps throwing a full blown hissy fit at the accusation, but he did not have the energy, nor did he trust, even for a moment, that he would be believed. Damn omnipotent fool. "It was part of a gift," Severus said in as neutral a tone as possible. "Dr. Young gave me a rather distinctive Christmas present. I was simply returning the favor. She had flown with a friend when she was younger and missed the experience. I thought it would be…………nice."
Dumbledore nodded in understanding. "Ah yes, that would be Alice Longbottom then."
Severus looked up, "You know about all that?"
"When Doctor Young approached me about becoming a counselor here, she was very forthcoming. She insisted I understood in no uncertain terms, the depth of her dedication." He candidly added, "She can be very persistent when she wants something."
'You have no idea,' the professor thought sorrowfully. He had spent the last few nights picturing her in his mind. The wicked smile she gave him when she invited him in; her expression of ecstasy when she peaked; the passion in her eyes as she stood there in an over-sized T-shirt proclaiming her love, and the tears that followed at his rejection. How close he came to giving in, to gathering her in his arms and taking her back to the bedroom. How warm her body felt next to his. He had hoped the memories would be enough to sustain him, to satiate the desire that had overtaken his sanity. Instead it made him miss her, fiercely. It made him feel more empty and alone then he ever had before. It had been only a few days.
Dumbledore must have noted the turmoil on his friend's face. "You must care for her deeply to bestow such a personal gift."
Again Severus pictured himself throwing a tantrum; the indignation on his face as he denied the claims, throwing in some stomping feet and perhaps a hex or two for good measure, but again, he knew better. "I have come to think of her as…possibly…not as ineffectual as in my original hypothesis. "
"A glowing recommendation coming from you." He had the audacity to smirk.
"You seem to be getting a bit too much amusement out of all this." It was difficult not to sneer at the man.
"Forgive my impertinence. I meant no disrespect, of course. I do have to admit, however, that I enjoy seeing someone stand up to you…almost as much as you do."
"She gets under my skin in a way no one else has dared," he admitted. He stared down at his tea, now cold from being forgotten. He let his finger run along the edge of the saucer, to the bottom of the glass and up to the rim of the cup.
Dumbledore watched his movements with a mixture of fascination and sorrowfulness and an understanding not many would have. "She affects you, Severus. Is that a bad thing?"
His ire rose as he felt his patience snap. "Albus, why must everyone question my judgment? Since when did everyone become such an authority on my motivations and needs? I have as little patience for this line of questioning as I do for her attempts to…."
"To?" Albus asked.
"Nothing…" Snape froze and fell back in to his chair. "It is no longer an issue."
"I see," and he did. "Seems a shame, really."
"What does?" he asked, knowing full well he was walking right into Dumbledore's game.
Dumbledore paused, looking at the young man sitting in front of him. He was young after all, though it was safe to say he had lived though several lifetimes worth of agony. He offered a small smile.
"I ran into Mr. Potter one afternoon, sitting by the lake, all alone," he began seeming to change the subject. "When I asked him what was the matter, he looked at me much in the same way that you are right now. I finally looked across the lake and I noticed Miss Granger and Miss Weasley sitting on the other side, talking." He paused, waiting for this bit of information to sink in. "After a little innocent prodding, he finally admitted that he was developing feelings for the sibling of his best friend. When I displayed joy at the news, he looked up at me in bewilderment, again, much in the same way that you are, right now." He paused again to smile at Snape's pursed lips.
"Apparently," he continued, "Harry did not seem to enjoy these new feelings that were overtaking his reason. I tried to explain that love does that to people. It confuses the senses. It turns your world upside down, the Muggles say. I also explained to him that though nothing in this world can cause as much pain as love, nothing else is more worth living for. He had somehow come to believe that he was not deserving of love. He came to believe that her affections towards him were unwise given the perils he knew he would have to face. He had convinced himself that he and she would be better off never exploring the wonders that love could bring." He took another sip of tea before he continued. "Can you think of anything more tragic than the denial of love, Severus? Can you imagine something worse than spending what you may consider the last days of your life, alone? Can you think of anything more foolish?" He looked at his friend again and watched as his expression changed. He held he was seeing hope enter his sad eyes.
Snape looked into Albus's eyes, facing the twinkle. 'Omnipotent old fool, indeed. Who is the fool after all?' "Yes headmaster, he replied, "I think I can. I think can think of something worse than a child feeling that way……"
Before he could finish that thought, there was a knock at the door of the study. Dumbledore walked to it and slowly opened the door to find Sophie Young standing there.
"Is Professor Snape here?" she asked breathlessly. Upon hearing her voice Severus stiffened. He was never one to flee, but for once, he considered it not the worst option he could face.
Dumbledore led Sophie to where Severus was sitting.
"I need you to come to my home," she said rapidly. The surprise in his eyes made her want to laugh. "No," she tried to explain, "you see, it's Draco. He came to me this morning. He has been badly beaten and is in shock. Something has happened and I will need you there, if I am ever to find out what it was."
Author's note: Song lyrics taken from "I think it's Going to Rain Today" by Bette Midler.
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