Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.
Summary (or warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!
Author's note: I'm sorry ... I have been pretty slack lately ... I sort of forgot about this fic in the light of all my others (OIW, WDanE, FtL, SH, YDS and OMfVHPC) ... I'm having heaps of fun trying to keep up with 7 stories LOL ... And my new years resolution was to cut back ... So much for that! I'm only updating because a certain reviewer (you know who you are LOL) reviewed 'You don't say ... ?' and reminded me about this fic..... So this chapter is dedicated to youdontneedtoknow LOL!
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions! Flames are a waste of time, for I will use them to burn you up! You have been warned (don't tempt me people)
************************************************************************
Chapter 2
Treanz: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz-Alyce, your counselor and host. Please give a warm welcome to our next guests, Baron George Cooper of Pirates Swoop and his charming wife, Sir Lady Knight Alanna, King's Champion of Tortall, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop and Heir of Olau!"
*Audience applauds politely.*
*screen pops up to show George swaggering down the backstage hall*
George: *enters stage*
Treanz: *motions for him to sit* "Just take a seat on the couch, George, while we wait for Alanna"
*screen now shows Alanna stumping down the backstage hall, until she reaches the stage door. Bowls through it furiously, landing onstage. Storms over to Treanz, who jumps up in alarm"
Treanz: "Whoa! Personal space please!"
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Did you just call me 'charming'?" *disgusted*
Treanz: *uneasy* "Uh, sort of ..."
Alanna: *fingers sword hilt suggestively*
Treanz: *gulps* "Hey, I was only joking ..." *winces as Alanna slowly begins to pull sword out of sheath*
George: *notices Alanna* "Alanna?"
Alanna: *turns away from trembling Treanz* "George?"
*George and Alanna run the six feet between them in slow motion, like long lost lovers from a soppy romance movie*
Audience: "Awww!"
Treanz: *gag*
*George and Alanna fling their arms around each other, and begin to drown themselves in their significant other's mouth*
Treanz: *shudders*
*Two minutes later*
Treanz: *clears throat uncomfortably* "Um, hello?"
*George and Alanna frantically begin to explore each other's bodies with their roaming hands."
Treanz: *snaps fingers in unsuccessful attempt to get their attention* "Hey! Hey, you two! Oi!"
*George picks Alanna up, and carried her the three feet to the couch they are supposed to be sitting on*
Treanz: *shocked*
*George gently lays Alanna down, before beginning to climb on top*
Treanz: *speechless*
*George and Alanna begin to undo each other's shirt buttons, oblivious to their shell-shocked host, and catcalling audience*
Treanz: *jumps up* "Oi! This is not the time or place, you horny little bunnies!" *Tries unsuccessfully to pull George off Alanna*
George: *stops and sits up to shrug at Treanz* "Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for threesomes right now." *Leans back down to Alanna*
Treanz: *steam is coming from her ears she is so mad and embarrassed* "THREESOMES? I'M FIFTEEN!"
George: *muffled* "I don't think I could manage fifteen"
Treanz: "WHAT? I meant I was fifteen years old, not ... ARGH!"
*Treanz reaches behind armchair into handy-dandy black-bag. Pulls out long silver electric buzzer, the kind they use to poke into cages to stop animals fighting*
Treanz: *muses* "Hey! This would have come in handy with Thayet and Cythera! Anyway" *turns to Alanna and George, who are literally ripping each other's clothes off to various states of undress*
*Treanz gingerly taps George's arm with buzzer. George jumps up from shock*
Alanna: "Hey! What was that for?" *jumps up angrily, which sends George toppling to the ground. Grabs George by the collar, and drags him offstage into a backroom, to finish what they started.*
Treanz: "Great! Just fantastic! What am I supposed to do now?"
*cell phone in handy-dandy black-bag rings; Treanz picks it up. It's the producer, Amanda. They begin to argue furiously*
*screen is still popped up, following Alanna and George's exploits backstage*
Audience: *cheering*
Treanz: *notices cheering* "Hang on a sec .." *notices screen* *goes pale* "I'm going to have to call you back" *hangs up*
*Treanz runs over to the screen*
Treanz: "NOT. ON. MY. PG. RATED. SHOW" *vainly attempts to cover the screen*
*George and Alanna's microphones are still attached to their shirts, which are lying near where they are engaging in unmentionable acts. Audience can hear the resulting... Sounds*
Treanz: *trying to cover screen* *unwillingly listening to the results of Alanna and George's backstage exploits* *raises eyebrows* *mouth drops open* *jumps away from screen in surprise at last sound and turns around, before realizing what is happening* *sees the screen* "NO! I'm scarred for life" *runs offstage*
Audience: *enthusiastically watching screen. From the screen they hear a door open, someone scream, and then the door slam*
Treanz: *screams from backstage* *runs back onstage, panting* "OH MY GOD - WRONG ROOM!" *Flops down in armchair. Reaches into handy-dandy black-bag; pulls out remote control. Switches TV off* *clears throat* "Right, well, we'll just wait a few minutes, and let them ..... finish. Until then, does anyone have an idea of a game or something that we could play?"
Random Audience Person: *waving hand about*"Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! "
Treanz: *ignores him*
RAP: *Straining in seat, sitting up higher* "I've got an idea! Oh! Oh!"
Treanz: "Anyone?"
RAP: *standing on seat* "I do, damn it!"
Treanz: "I'm not turning that TV back on you sickos!"
Audience: *booing*
RAP: *Jumping up and down on seat, waving hands about, being a spastic* "ME! ME! ME! ME! PLEASE! I DO!"
Treanz: *clenches fists*
RAP: *jumping up and down on seat. Suddenly, misses seat on way down, falls between the rafters and disappears*
Audience: *cheering*
Roger: *runs onstage* *acting like an overenthusiastic cheerleader at a pep rally* "I've got an idea! My cousin is stuck off on a desert island, so let's take over the world. Who's with me?"
*Silence*
Treanz: *raises eyebrow* "Roger?"
Roger: *raises eyebrow* *mimicking* "Roger?"
Treanz: *reaches over, and pulls out clipboard. Flips through some papers* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"
Roger: *with an annoying, nasally accent* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"
Treanz: "Hey!"
Roger: "Hey!"
Treanz: "Stop it!"
Roger: "Stop it!"
Treanz: "I meant that!"
Roger: "I meant that!"
Treanz: *screams with frustration*
Roger: *screams with frustration*
Treanz: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even be here"
Roger: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even- Ooof!" *drops down, out cold*
Treanz: *walks over next to Roger's body, and picks up baton* *beams at it* "I always knew you'd come in hand someday!"
Stage Aide: *nervously scurries on* "Um, Miss Treanz, ma'am ..."
Treanz: "What?" *Glances at Roger* "Oh yeah. Stash the body! Quick, quick!" *smiles sadistically at audience* "Right, where were we?"
Neal: *runs onstage* "I'm free! I'm free!"
Treanz: *stares at Neal, drooling*
Neal: *does little victory dance* "I rule! I rule! I'm free! Yahoo!"
Dog catcher: *runs onstage* "Dr Treanz, some of the guests escaped from the special cages!"
Treanz: *wakes from trance* "Huh?"
Neal: *Notices Dog catcher* "Eeep!" *runs to hide behind couch*
Treanz: *furious* "How could you? If they get out, the government will find out about our secret Tortallan smuggling ring, and how we've been stealing fictional characters and exploiting them for rating purposes! They'll put me in prison, and" *sniff* "they don't have cable in jail!"
Dog catcher: *sees Neal's leg sticking out from behind armchair* "Hey! You! Stop!" *begins to chase him around chairs, before they race offstage*
Treanz: "Hey .. Wasn't there a point to this episode ... oh yeah! George and Alanna! Oops" *whistles*
*three burly guards that somehow resemble the three musketeers run on and stop in front of Treanz*
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "go and find them, please. Make them put their clothes back on, and come back out here, so we can start the show." *smiles sweetly* "Understand"
Guard 1: *gulps* "Alanna the Lioness and George Cooper? But we're out numbered!"
Treanz: *stares blankly*
Guard 2: "I'm scared"
Guard 3: "Me two"
Guard 1: "Me six"
Treanz: *shakes head sadly* "You're all muscles. They should be scared of you!"
Guard 2: "Are we talking about the same people?"
Guard 3: "I'm not sure. Who are we talking about again?"
Guard 1: *whispers* "I don't remember"
Treanz: *advances menacingly* "Go and do it, NOW!"
*Guards scurry offstage.*
*A minute later*
Guards: *sprint down one side of stage, and off the other, screaming at top of their lungs*
Treanz: *sighs*
Alanna: *half dressed, comes running out onto stage with naked Lightning blade ready* "ALRIGHT, WHERE IS HE?"
Treanz: *clucks impatiently* "Well, it's about time!"
Alanna: *stares, before recovering* "I know he's here somewhere!"
Treanz: "Who?"
George: *comes lumbering onto the stage, clad in only a pair of too-short breeches, daggers ready* "Sorry I took so long, lass. I couldn't find my breeches. I had to use yours"
Treanz: *sniggers*
George: *glares* "What's so funny?"
Treanz: "Think about it. She spent years of her life cross-dressing, only to marry a man who wears her clothes."
George: *blushes* "They're men's breeches"
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Take that back George."
George: *surprised* "What?"
Alanna: "They are MY breeches, and I am a WOMAN, so therefore they are WOMEN'S BREECHES."
Treanz: *turns laugh into hacking cough* "Now that you two are fighting, I suppose we can start the show."
Another Random Audience Person: "Is that what this zoo we've been forced to sit through for the past hour is called?"
Treanz: *picks baton of coffee table and hurls it at ARAP. He falls down through rafters to join RAP*
Alanna: "Good aim"
Treanz: *beams* "Thanks! Let's begin, now that you two have settled down!"
George: *snorts*
Alanna: *glares at him*
Treanz: *grin broadens, claps hands together excitedly* "Oh, this is interesting! You haven't seen each other in over a year, and yet once you've finished being mammals off the discovery channel, you're fighting again!"
George: *scowls* "It's not my fault she's never home. Talk about being a part-time parent! She's not even around her children enough to be considered part time."
Alanna: *scoffs* "At least I've got a decent job. I earn way more than you, and you get two incomes! And if you want to talk responsibility, lets talk about you not telling me our daughter went missing!"
George: "Oh, please forgive me, King's Champion! I'm sorry I cared"
Alanna: "At least I'm not SECOND BEST!"
Audience: *gasps*
Treanz: *bobbing up and down excitedly* "Burnt!"
George: "That was below the belt!"
Alanna: "You've got nothing below the belt."
George: "Oh, and Liam and Jon did, I suppose?"
Alanna: "Actually, as a matter of fact they did!"
George: *snorts* "One of them was a prig, and the other was scared of you. What does that say?"
Alanna: "That they're more man than you'll ever be."
Treanz: *rolling around laughing*
George: "Fine, well if you feel that way ..." *stands up as if to storm offstage*
Treanz: *springs up to block his way* "Whoa, stop right there! You're here to, uh, work out problems! We need to talk about these problems!"
George: *flicks out two daggers in response*
Alanna: *angry* *runs up and tackles George*
*George and Alanna wrestle around on the floor for awhile*
Audience: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"
Treanz: *carefully steps around the two* "I didn't mean to cause a domestic!"
*George rolls on top of Alanna. They freeze for a second, staring into each other's eyes*
George: "Alanna, I'm so sorry!"
Alanna: "Me too, George."
Treanz: "Hey! That's not right! You're supposed to be fighting!"
George: *closes distance between him and Alanna. They begin kissing AGAIN*
Treanz: *sulking* "Here we go again" *whistles*
*Burly guards 1, 2 and 3 come running out again"
Guard 1: *notices Alanna and George, then Treanz* *shakes head* "No way."
Guard 2: "Nah-uh"
Guard 3: "Get real"
*Guards 1, 2 and 3 walk away. Sit down on front of stage, and begin to play pat-a-cake*
*Neal and the Dog-catcher run back onstage. Neal and Dog catcher run around the couches, screen, Guards, Alanna and George, and Treanz, Neal insulting the DC the entire time*
Neal: "Fatty, fatty, Dog Catty!"
Dog catcher: "I'll get you!"
*Roger, Random Audience Person, and Another Random Audience Person run onto stage. Begin to start Audience Riot*
Audience: *brawling, throwing things, swarming onto stage, falling through rafters, trashing back stage and beating up crew*
Treanz: *standing on couch, attempting to impose order* "LOSERS! STOP RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL SET! STOP IT! NOW!"
ARAP: "I want my money back! This episode was crap!"
Treanz: *snaps* "It's not my fault the guests were sex-addicts!" *idea dawns on her* "I've got it! I'll get them locked in an institute, where all they do id make love! 24 hours, 7 dyas a week! Eventually, they'll get sick of it ... Either that, or George will have a heart attack ... Whichever works, I'm not fussy"
RAP and Roger: *swinging from ceiling, trying to disconnect power to cameras!*
Treanz: "Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Couple-Counseling, Tortall Version! I'm Treanz-Alyce, I rock, and this is my chaotic show. Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget the 10 second rule; food is not safe unless it's been on the floor for more than ten seconds ... or maybe it's not safe ... I don't remember . who cares! See you next time!"
*Power blacks out*
**************************************************************************** *******************************************************
Author's note: Wow... I wrote that while powered on caffeine, so I'm sorry ... Hope you found it funny, and that it was worth the wait! I'll update sooner next time ... And it'll be a calmer chapter . only if you want though :o) ... By the way, I'll need some special guest star reviewers, because you can only have so many Random Audience People ... Let me know in your review if you want to be in it ;D
Treanz-Alyce
Summary (or warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!
Author's note: I'm sorry ... I have been pretty slack lately ... I sort of forgot about this fic in the light of all my others (OIW, WDanE, FtL, SH, YDS and OMfVHPC) ... I'm having heaps of fun trying to keep up with 7 stories LOL ... And my new years resolution was to cut back ... So much for that! I'm only updating because a certain reviewer (you know who you are LOL) reviewed 'You don't say ... ?' and reminded me about this fic..... So this chapter is dedicated to youdontneedtoknow LOL!
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions! Flames are a waste of time, for I will use them to burn you up! You have been warned (don't tempt me people)
************************************************************************
Chapter 2
Treanz: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz-Alyce, your counselor and host. Please give a warm welcome to our next guests, Baron George Cooper of Pirates Swoop and his charming wife, Sir Lady Knight Alanna, King's Champion of Tortall, Baroness of Pirate's Swoop and Heir of Olau!"
*Audience applauds politely.*
*screen pops up to show George swaggering down the backstage hall*
George: *enters stage*
Treanz: *motions for him to sit* "Just take a seat on the couch, George, while we wait for Alanna"
*screen now shows Alanna stumping down the backstage hall, until she reaches the stage door. Bowls through it furiously, landing onstage. Storms over to Treanz, who jumps up in alarm"
Treanz: "Whoa! Personal space please!"
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Did you just call me 'charming'?" *disgusted*
Treanz: *uneasy* "Uh, sort of ..."
Alanna: *fingers sword hilt suggestively*
Treanz: *gulps* "Hey, I was only joking ..." *winces as Alanna slowly begins to pull sword out of sheath*
George: *notices Alanna* "Alanna?"
Alanna: *turns away from trembling Treanz* "George?"
*George and Alanna run the six feet between them in slow motion, like long lost lovers from a soppy romance movie*
Audience: "Awww!"
Treanz: *gag*
*George and Alanna fling their arms around each other, and begin to drown themselves in their significant other's mouth*
Treanz: *shudders*
*Two minutes later*
Treanz: *clears throat uncomfortably* "Um, hello?"
*George and Alanna frantically begin to explore each other's bodies with their roaming hands."
Treanz: *snaps fingers in unsuccessful attempt to get their attention* "Hey! Hey, you two! Oi!"
*George picks Alanna up, and carried her the three feet to the couch they are supposed to be sitting on*
Treanz: *shocked*
*George gently lays Alanna down, before beginning to climb on top*
Treanz: *speechless*
*George and Alanna begin to undo each other's shirt buttons, oblivious to their shell-shocked host, and catcalling audience*
Treanz: *jumps up* "Oi! This is not the time or place, you horny little bunnies!" *Tries unsuccessfully to pull George off Alanna*
George: *stops and sits up to shrug at Treanz* "Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for threesomes right now." *Leans back down to Alanna*
Treanz: *steam is coming from her ears she is so mad and embarrassed* "THREESOMES? I'M FIFTEEN!"
George: *muffled* "I don't think I could manage fifteen"
Treanz: "WHAT? I meant I was fifteen years old, not ... ARGH!"
*Treanz reaches behind armchair into handy-dandy black-bag. Pulls out long silver electric buzzer, the kind they use to poke into cages to stop animals fighting*
Treanz: *muses* "Hey! This would have come in handy with Thayet and Cythera! Anyway" *turns to Alanna and George, who are literally ripping each other's clothes off to various states of undress*
*Treanz gingerly taps George's arm with buzzer. George jumps up from shock*
Alanna: "Hey! What was that for?" *jumps up angrily, which sends George toppling to the ground. Grabs George by the collar, and drags him offstage into a backroom, to finish what they started.*
Treanz: "Great! Just fantastic! What am I supposed to do now?"
*cell phone in handy-dandy black-bag rings; Treanz picks it up. It's the producer, Amanda. They begin to argue furiously*
*screen is still popped up, following Alanna and George's exploits backstage*
Audience: *cheering*
Treanz: *notices cheering* "Hang on a sec .." *notices screen* *goes pale* "I'm going to have to call you back" *hangs up*
*Treanz runs over to the screen*
Treanz: "NOT. ON. MY. PG. RATED. SHOW" *vainly attempts to cover the screen*
*George and Alanna's microphones are still attached to their shirts, which are lying near where they are engaging in unmentionable acts. Audience can hear the resulting... Sounds*
Treanz: *trying to cover screen* *unwillingly listening to the results of Alanna and George's backstage exploits* *raises eyebrows* *mouth drops open* *jumps away from screen in surprise at last sound and turns around, before realizing what is happening* *sees the screen* "NO! I'm scarred for life" *runs offstage*
Audience: *enthusiastically watching screen. From the screen they hear a door open, someone scream, and then the door slam*
Treanz: *screams from backstage* *runs back onstage, panting* "OH MY GOD - WRONG ROOM!" *Flops down in armchair. Reaches into handy-dandy black-bag; pulls out remote control. Switches TV off* *clears throat* "Right, well, we'll just wait a few minutes, and let them ..... finish. Until then, does anyone have an idea of a game or something that we could play?"
Random Audience Person: *waving hand about*"Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me! "
Treanz: *ignores him*
RAP: *Straining in seat, sitting up higher* "I've got an idea! Oh! Oh!"
Treanz: "Anyone?"
RAP: *standing on seat* "I do, damn it!"
Treanz: "I'm not turning that TV back on you sickos!"
Audience: *booing*
RAP: *Jumping up and down on seat, waving hands about, being a spastic* "ME! ME! ME! ME! PLEASE! I DO!"
Treanz: *clenches fists*
RAP: *jumping up and down on seat. Suddenly, misses seat on way down, falls between the rafters and disappears*
Audience: *cheering*
Roger: *runs onstage* *acting like an overenthusiastic cheerleader at a pep rally* "I've got an idea! My cousin is stuck off on a desert island, so let's take over the world. Who's with me?"
*Silence*
Treanz: *raises eyebrow* "Roger?"
Roger: *raises eyebrow* *mimicking* "Roger?"
Treanz: *reaches over, and pulls out clipboard. Flips through some papers* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"
Roger: *with an annoying, nasally accent* "I thought you weren't scheduled to be brought back from the dead until next episode!"
Treanz: "Hey!"
Roger: "Hey!"
Treanz: "Stop it!"
Roger: "Stop it!"
Treanz: "I meant that!"
Roger: "I meant that!"
Treanz: *screams with frustration*
Roger: *screams with frustration*
Treanz: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even be here"
Roger: "This is your last chance. You shouldn't even- Ooof!" *drops down, out cold*
Treanz: *walks over next to Roger's body, and picks up baton* *beams at it* "I always knew you'd come in hand someday!"
Stage Aide: *nervously scurries on* "Um, Miss Treanz, ma'am ..."
Treanz: "What?" *Glances at Roger* "Oh yeah. Stash the body! Quick, quick!" *smiles sadistically at audience* "Right, where were we?"
Neal: *runs onstage* "I'm free! I'm free!"
Treanz: *stares at Neal, drooling*
Neal: *does little victory dance* "I rule! I rule! I'm free! Yahoo!"
Dog catcher: *runs onstage* "Dr Treanz, some of the guests escaped from the special cages!"
Treanz: *wakes from trance* "Huh?"
Neal: *Notices Dog catcher* "Eeep!" *runs to hide behind couch*
Treanz: *furious* "How could you? If they get out, the government will find out about our secret Tortallan smuggling ring, and how we've been stealing fictional characters and exploiting them for rating purposes! They'll put me in prison, and" *sniff* "they don't have cable in jail!"
Dog catcher: *sees Neal's leg sticking out from behind armchair* "Hey! You! Stop!" *begins to chase him around chairs, before they race offstage*
Treanz: "Hey .. Wasn't there a point to this episode ... oh yeah! George and Alanna! Oops" *whistles*
*three burly guards that somehow resemble the three musketeers run on and stop in front of Treanz*
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "go and find them, please. Make them put their clothes back on, and come back out here, so we can start the show." *smiles sweetly* "Understand"
Guard 1: *gulps* "Alanna the Lioness and George Cooper? But we're out numbered!"
Treanz: *stares blankly*
Guard 2: "I'm scared"
Guard 3: "Me two"
Guard 1: "Me six"
Treanz: *shakes head sadly* "You're all muscles. They should be scared of you!"
Guard 2: "Are we talking about the same people?"
Guard 3: "I'm not sure. Who are we talking about again?"
Guard 1: *whispers* "I don't remember"
Treanz: *advances menacingly* "Go and do it, NOW!"
*Guards scurry offstage.*
*A minute later*
Guards: *sprint down one side of stage, and off the other, screaming at top of their lungs*
Treanz: *sighs*
Alanna: *half dressed, comes running out onto stage with naked Lightning blade ready* "ALRIGHT, WHERE IS HE?"
Treanz: *clucks impatiently* "Well, it's about time!"
Alanna: *stares, before recovering* "I know he's here somewhere!"
Treanz: "Who?"
George: *comes lumbering onto the stage, clad in only a pair of too-short breeches, daggers ready* "Sorry I took so long, lass. I couldn't find my breeches. I had to use yours"
Treanz: *sniggers*
George: *glares* "What's so funny?"
Treanz: "Think about it. She spent years of her life cross-dressing, only to marry a man who wears her clothes."
George: *blushes* "They're men's breeches"
Alanna: *voice dangerously low* "Take that back George."
George: *surprised* "What?"
Alanna: "They are MY breeches, and I am a WOMAN, so therefore they are WOMEN'S BREECHES."
Treanz: *turns laugh into hacking cough* "Now that you two are fighting, I suppose we can start the show."
Another Random Audience Person: "Is that what this zoo we've been forced to sit through for the past hour is called?"
Treanz: *picks baton of coffee table and hurls it at ARAP. He falls down through rafters to join RAP*
Alanna: "Good aim"
Treanz: *beams* "Thanks! Let's begin, now that you two have settled down!"
George: *snorts*
Alanna: *glares at him*
Treanz: *grin broadens, claps hands together excitedly* "Oh, this is interesting! You haven't seen each other in over a year, and yet once you've finished being mammals off the discovery channel, you're fighting again!"
George: *scowls* "It's not my fault she's never home. Talk about being a part-time parent! She's not even around her children enough to be considered part time."
Alanna: *scoffs* "At least I've got a decent job. I earn way more than you, and you get two incomes! And if you want to talk responsibility, lets talk about you not telling me our daughter went missing!"
George: "Oh, please forgive me, King's Champion! I'm sorry I cared"
Alanna: "At least I'm not SECOND BEST!"
Audience: *gasps*
Treanz: *bobbing up and down excitedly* "Burnt!"
George: "That was below the belt!"
Alanna: "You've got nothing below the belt."
George: "Oh, and Liam and Jon did, I suppose?"
Alanna: "Actually, as a matter of fact they did!"
George: *snorts* "One of them was a prig, and the other was scared of you. What does that say?"
Alanna: "That they're more man than you'll ever be."
Treanz: *rolling around laughing*
George: "Fine, well if you feel that way ..." *stands up as if to storm offstage*
Treanz: *springs up to block his way* "Whoa, stop right there! You're here to, uh, work out problems! We need to talk about these problems!"
George: *flicks out two daggers in response*
Alanna: *angry* *runs up and tackles George*
*George and Alanna wrestle around on the floor for awhile*
Audience: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"
Treanz: *carefully steps around the two* "I didn't mean to cause a domestic!"
*George rolls on top of Alanna. They freeze for a second, staring into each other's eyes*
George: "Alanna, I'm so sorry!"
Alanna: "Me too, George."
Treanz: "Hey! That's not right! You're supposed to be fighting!"
George: *closes distance between him and Alanna. They begin kissing AGAIN*
Treanz: *sulking* "Here we go again" *whistles*
*Burly guards 1, 2 and 3 come running out again"
Guard 1: *notices Alanna and George, then Treanz* *shakes head* "No way."
Guard 2: "Nah-uh"
Guard 3: "Get real"
*Guards 1, 2 and 3 walk away. Sit down on front of stage, and begin to play pat-a-cake*
*Neal and the Dog-catcher run back onstage. Neal and Dog catcher run around the couches, screen, Guards, Alanna and George, and Treanz, Neal insulting the DC the entire time*
Neal: "Fatty, fatty, Dog Catty!"
Dog catcher: "I'll get you!"
*Roger, Random Audience Person, and Another Random Audience Person run onto stage. Begin to start Audience Riot*
Audience: *brawling, throwing things, swarming onto stage, falling through rafters, trashing back stage and beating up crew*
Treanz: *standing on couch, attempting to impose order* "LOSERS! STOP RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL SET! STOP IT! NOW!"
ARAP: "I want my money back! This episode was crap!"
Treanz: *snaps* "It's not my fault the guests were sex-addicts!" *idea dawns on her* "I've got it! I'll get them locked in an institute, where all they do id make love! 24 hours, 7 dyas a week! Eventually, they'll get sick of it ... Either that, or George will have a heart attack ... Whichever works, I'm not fussy"
RAP and Roger: *swinging from ceiling, trying to disconnect power to cameras!*
Treanz: "Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Couple-Counseling, Tortall Version! I'm Treanz-Alyce, I rock, and this is my chaotic show. Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget the 10 second rule; food is not safe unless it's been on the floor for more than ten seconds ... or maybe it's not safe ... I don't remember . who cares! See you next time!"
*Power blacks out*
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Author's note: Wow... I wrote that while powered on caffeine, so I'm sorry ... Hope you found it funny, and that it was worth the wait! I'll update sooner next time ... And it'll be a calmer chapter . only if you want though :o) ... By the way, I'll need some special guest star reviewers, because you can only have so many Random Audience People ... Let me know in your review if you want to be in it ;D
Treanz-Alyce
