Joe sank back into the shadows. So many people. How had they heard so fast? Roy did a good job of spreading the word - he'd have to remember to thank him. He felt someone touch his arm and flinched. In his secret heart, he wished they'd all just go away. He knew they cared - that they only wanted to pay tribute - but what did they know? Tomorrow after the funeral, their lives would go on as before. His would never be the same again.
The hand squeezed his arm more forcefully. "There, there Joseph. Don't be afraid to be sad. It's a terrible sad thing. So young, he was."
Joe set his teeth, glancing up to see his comforter. Mrs. Clemens, the milliner. "Yes'm," he offered briefly, hoping she'd leave.
"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away - he had some special need of Adam right now, I'm thinkin'."
Shut up, thought Joe ferociously. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
"He was a good son. A good brother."
I KNOW that. Don't you think I -?
"Well, he's at peace now. With God's angels."
The mental image of what Adam might have to say about finding himself suddenly surrounded by a crowd of white robed cherubim flashed across Joe's mind and he laughed before he could stop himself. Mrs. Clemens blinked at him in shocked surprise. He flushed. "S-sorry, ma'am, I - " he took a deep breath. "If you'll excuse me, I think I need some air." He tore himself from her grip, ignoring the final pat she tapped on his forearm.
"That's a good idea," she soothed. "Take a little time alone. Remember your brother loved you."
Joe sidled his way through the crowd to the kitchen and out the back way, trying his best not to break into a dead run. His brother loved him. Of COURSE he did - did she think he didn't know that? Why did everyone have to come around and try to tell him what he already knew? As though they couldn't wait to remind him of what he had lost.
He let the door drop shut behind him and drew in a deep breath of evening air. That was a little better. The night was very still and he stood for a moment, looking about him. Adam used to love the night - was always going out riding in it - and you stop that right now! Leave it alone! There was no point in thinking about those things - Adam was gone. Better just start getting used to the idea. But it was like a sore spot a missing tooth left that he had to keep exploring with his tongue. He dropped down on the stump they used as a chopping block and closed his eyes.
God's angels. This time he pictured Adam in the white robe and it made him smile. Adam'd probably ask if he could trade it for a black one. Probably be a little dubious about the halo, too. Now, the wings on the other hand…his smile stretched, even as he felt the moisture prickling at his eyes…he'd like the wings. Probably bore poor old St. Peter to death, asking him to explain all the aerodynamic…aero…whatever it was that made them work. Would never believe it was just a plain old miracle. Would want an explanation. A reason. Would probably try to improve on them.
Well, there just ain't reasons for everything, Adam - I know, cause for the life of me, I can't think of a single reason why you shouldn't be here any more. Hoss is right - who's gonna look out for him now? Who's gonna look out for me? For that matter, who's gonna look out for you, if you're way off someplace, tryin' to redesign angels' wings? We look out for each other, wasn't that the deal? Well, then, you messed up bad, Adam, cause you ain't gonna be able to keep your end of the bargain. He ran his sleeve over the wetness on his face. Of course, Pa always said Ma could look out for me, even from the other side, so maybe you can, too. Maybe you can still watch out for me and Hoss. But what about you? Who's gonna look out for you when that big crowd in the white robes gets busy singin' and forgets to? Huh? Who'll be watchin' yer back? That's what brothers are for.
He blotted his eyes again and squinted up at the stars. Maybe angels were given someone to look out for them - especially someone new. Maybe Adam would be assigned a new brother - an angel brother. That thought hurt so much that for a minute he had to press his fists into his eyes and take deep breaths.
It wasn't fair. Nothing about it was fair. He was Adam's brother - him and Hoss. But he still had Hoss, and if Adam was all alone up there without any brother at all…well…he swallowed. Maybe he should have one, then. Maybe that would be all right. Or maybe, his mother…or Adam's or Hoss's…he swallowed again, drying his damp hands on his trousers. "Listen, um…" he glanced around to be sure there was no one to overhear. "If you're gonna be lookin' out fer Adam, there's some things you gotta know. He'll make like he doesn't need you to - I don't know, maybe he even believes that - but anyway, he'll make like he doesn't want anybody lookin' out fer him, but he needs it anyway. You can't let him fool you. You have to watch and look out for him anyhow, sneaky like. He'll never ask. He's kinda stubborn and a little proud, but if you push he'll give in eventually. He'll make like he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he'll be glad. You just can't let on that you know that about him. Play it kinda cool."
He sniffled and took another shaky breath, relaxing some. "Mrs. Clemens was right - he was a good brother. Good - friend. And he loved me a lot. I know that. I loved him too. Did he know? I think he did. Of course he did. Just don't know if I ever said. I meant to, of course, but…well, with Adam and me it was…I don't know. It was always easy with Hoss and Pa, for some reason. And, shoot, I must have said it to at least a hundred pretty girls. Don't know why it came so hard when it came to saying it to my own brother. But he knew. I'm sure he did. Just kinda wish I'd said. Don't know why I never did. I'm kinda stubborn and a little proud myself, I guess."
He glanced shyly back at the stars. "You remember how when I was five and Ma died, I threw myself on the ground and had that big tantrum? Think I thought maybe if I made enough fuss she'd come back, even if it was just to scold me…Adam sorta picked me up and shook me and held me and told me that - that he was sorry, but it wasn't gonna bring her back. He was right, of course. Wonder if he ever got tired of always bein' right. Of course, I guess he would've known better than anybody. Wonder if he tried throwing a tantrum when Inger died - knew first hand how it didn't work. I never thought to ask. Wish I had, now. Wish I'd asked about a lot of things…just always seemed like there was gonna be plenty of time."
He rubbed a hand through his hair and sighed. "Wonder what he'd tell me to do now? Never mind, I know. He'd tell me to stop sittin' out here feelin' sorry for myself, and to get in there and look after Pa and Hoss. Well, okay, I'm going."
He stood up slowly, giving one wistful glance back at the stars. "Night brother. Now, don't go driving all those other angels crazy, tryin' to make their wings better, okay? I love you, Adam. I know you knew. Just wish I said." His eyes swept the sky and his voice dropped to a whisper. "And whoever you are up there looking out for things? Be good to Adam tonight."
