Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.
Summary/warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!
Author's Note: Alright, listen up good, people. The writer and producer of this show have decided that Treanz-Alyce should not be left with the guests without supervision (if last episode is anything to go by) ... I got several responses with people volunteering to be in this fic, and I'm taking you up on your offers ... or in some cases, you're regular reviewers of my fics or whatever, so I adore you and decided that you deserved at least one appearance in this insane 'talk-show'! Check the list I've got below to see if you're on it. Most of you should already have gotten an email from me anyway :) so it's no surprise ... if you're new to this fic, just email me or in your review tell me you want a part in the fic in future episodes. I'm sorry, if I warp your character completely, to fit my fic..... I try to keep the guest co-hosts as sane as possible, but unfortunately, Treanz's sanity is on the decrease to counter-act it LOL! The following is a ROUGH GUIDELINE ONLY ... Anything can change :P This Episode: Co-host = Peachy Garlic; Guests = youdontneedtoknow, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel & Tenken no Miko; Featured-story: 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = Alanna-of-Olau; Guests = Dead Life, Death Goddess Assassin & Flaming Knight; Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = SeaDragon (& her frogs); Guests = youdontneedtoknow, ShadowKitten2, & (uncast) Episode 6: Co-Host = (uncast); Guests = (uncast), (uncast) & (uncast)
As you can see, I need more people. If you want to be in multiple chapters, let me know ... By the way, I chose the Co-Hosts in 4 and 5 for a special reason (the hint is in their reviews LOL ... its something to do with the couples appearing ... and the guests are also chosen for certain reasons ... when you read this chapter, you'll understand)
Thanks to: Storm Mage, youdontneedtoknow, Kyprioth, Numair's Angel, Keladry of Queenscove, Tears Washed Away, Rachel, Allied Inspiration, Wild Knight, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, SeaDragon, anonymous, Buffy, ditzychick, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, summers2004, Death Goddess Assassin, ShadowKitten2, Dead Life, Alanna-of-Olau and Tenken no Miko! Double thanks to: youdontneedtoknow, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, ditzy chick and Dead Life.
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions.
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Episode 3
Treanz-Alyce: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz, your counselor and host-"
Peachy-Garlic: "And I'm Dr Peachy! This episode we'll be-"
Treanz: "Hey! This is my show! I'm still in charge, no matter what Katrina and AJ say"
Peachy: *rolls eyes* "Whatever"
Treanz: "Right! As I was saying before Dr Peachy RUDELY interrupted, I'm Dr Treanz, the HOST. This episode, we had Duke Roger and Lady Delia scheduled to appear, but, due to the fortunate electrocution of Duke Roger-"
Peachy: "ahem" *smiling politely*
Treanz: "I mean terribly tragic, unfortunate electrocution of the ugly pug faced slug-"
Peachy: "AHEM" *smile becoming strained*
Treanz: *pouts* "Have it your way then. The loser got fried during the last episode, while he was leading the riot that destroyed my beautiful studio! HAPPY?"
Peachy: "Very"
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*
Peachy: *sighs* "This is going to be a LONG episode"
Treanz: *smile brightens* "That's alright. We've got Veralidaine Sarrasri the Wildmage, and Numair Salamin the black robe mage, coming in!"
*Numair's Angel jumps up from her front-row seat in audience, going ballistic with happiness*
Numair's Angel: "OH! MY! GOD! NUMAIR!"
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko appear out of thin air*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: "Did somebody say ... NUMAIR?"
Numair's Angel: *dancing for joy* "Numy's coming! Numy's coming! Numy's coming!"
Tenken no Miko: *rubs hands together* "I've got an idea"
*The three whisper quietly amongst themselves for several moments, oblivious to the confused audience, apprehensive Peachy and excited Treanz, (who has recently overdosed on white chocolate and vanilla coke in her dressing room, unbeknownst to Katrina and Amanda!)*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *looks at Tenken no Miko in awe* "That's brilliant!"
Tenken no Miko: *smug* "I know"
Numair's Angel: "What are we waiting for?"
*The three troop out the back of the audience's seating area, and through a 'top-secret' side door*
Treanz: *bobbing up and down in seat, hyper*
*Everyone stares at door in silence for several moments, waiting for a big explosion or something of the sort*
Treanz: "On with the show! First, Daine!"
*Screen pops up, showing Daine walking along the backstage corridor. She enters, and staggers down to where Treanz and Peachy are sitting*
Daine: *dazed and disorientated* "Where am I? Am I in the Divine Realms again? Ma? Da? Hello?"
Peachy: *kindly* "No, Daine, you're not ... Can I have your autograph?"
Treanz: "Of course you're not in the Divine Realms! I mean, could you do this in the Divine Realms?"
*Treanz stands up. Slowly she drifts upwards, before proceeding to fly around*
Audience: "Oooh! Aaah!"
*Treanz zooms around stage for a moment. Multi-coloured shooting stars surround her. Suddenly 'crack', 'fizzle' and 'snap' sounds are heard, and Treanz falls from the sky, landing on the couch with a thud*
Treanz: *mutters* "Damn pyrotechnics"
Peachy: *raises eyebrow*
Treanz: "You were impressed! Admit it!"
Peachy: "Was not!"
Treanz: "Were too! You're just jealous!"
Peachy: "Of what exactly?"
Treanz: *silent as she thinks*
Daine: *sniffs* "Where am I?"
Peachy: *tartly* "The dingy little warehouse that is serving as our new temporary studio, until the other one is repaired"
Daine: "Oh"
Peachy: "Treanz, where's Numair?"
Treanz: *still thinking* "Out the back, in his cage. Well, he was last time I checked."
Peachy: "Which was when?"
Treanz: "Three days ago"
Peachy: *blinks*
Treanz: *realization dawns* "Oh yeah" *jumps up and runs backstage* *returns several moments later*
Peachy: "Well?"
Treanz: "He's not there!"
Peachy: "WHAT?"
Treanz: *whispers* "Don't worry, he'll turn up eventually. Let's have some fun with Daine first"
Peachy: *grins evilly*
Treanz: *grins evilly*
Daine: *whimpers*
Peachy: "Take a seat Daine, take a seat! It's alright, we'll find your precious Numair soon enough. Until then, let's just have a little ... Chat!"
Daine: *sits down gingerly, discreetly searching for an escape route*
Treanz: "Now, Daine ... Tell us about yourself"
Daine: "Why?"
Peachy: "Because we say so"
Daine: "I don't want to"
Treanz: *kindly* "Would you like us to make you?"
Daine: *shrinks back into chair* "
Peachy: "It's alright Daine, we don't bite"
Treanz: *mutters* "Speak for yourself"
Peachy: *glares* "Alrighty, then. Where are you from?"
Daine: "Snowsdale in Galla, but I now live in Tortall-"
Treanz: *interrupts* "With your elderly lover!"
Daine: "Numair isn't elderly!"
Peachy: *turns laugh into hacking cough*
Treanz: "Sure he isn't"
Daine: *stands up* "That's it, I'm leaving"
Treanz: "I'd like to see you try"
Daine: *sits reluctantly*
Peachy: "So how many years are there between you and old man Numy?"
Daine: *becoming distressed* "Fourteen. And he's not old!"
Treanz: "So how old were you when you two first hooked up? Twelve, thirteen?"
Daine: "Sixteen"
Treanz: *mutters* "Pedophile"
Peachy: *whispers* "Technically, he was doing nothing wrong -sixteen is legal - and they're in 'love'."
Treanz: *whispers back* "It's still gross"
Peachy: *clears throat* "So he was thirty? What the hell were you doing hooking up with a thirty year old man when you were sixteen?"
Daine: *shrugs* "He's a good kisser"
Treanz: "He's had a lot of experience"
Daine: *narrows eyes* "What's that supposed to mean?"
Treanz: "I don't know ... Why don't you ask his WIFE Amanda?"
Daine: *gasp* "No!"
Peachy: "Yes!"
Treanz: "Haven't you read 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught? He's married ..."
Daine: *lower lip begins to tremble*
Peachy: "But I'm sure you don't mind ... By the way, where did NUMAIR'S ANGEL get to?"
Daine: "Numair's Angel?"
Peachy: *nods head gravely*
Daine: "Oh no"
Treanz: "He's got a lot of explaining to do"
Daine: "He sure does"
*Suddenly a commotion is heard backstage*
*Treanz and Peachy jump up in alarm*
*Daine bursts into tears*
*Numair comes running onstage, in a state of undress, with three teenage girls following him. All are holding various articles of his clothing*
Numair: *tries to hide himself by wedging in between Treanz and Peachy's armchairs*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *hold up belt and pair of pants* "I got his belt and breeches!"
Numair's Angel: *holds up shirt and head band* "I got his shirt and headband"
Tenken no Miko: *holds up tunic and shoes* "I got his tunic and shoes"
*Treanz grins evilly (again). Reaches between armchairs, grabs a handful of Numair's hair and yanks his head up so only neck and higher is showing over the side of the red armrest*
Treanz: *singsong voice* "I got his he-ad!"
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel and Tenken no Miko all turn pale, before running offstage screaming at the top of their lungs*
*Treanz rolls around laughing*
Numair: *muffled* "Hello? I'm stuck"
Daine: "Good"
Peachy: *to Treanz* "Help me here"
*Treanz and Peachy progressively pull Numair out of the niche. The three end up in a pile; Peachy on bottom, Numair in the middle and Treanz on top*
Numair: "Now this brings back some memories..."
Peachy: *slaps him, with some effort, seeing she is being crushed under his almost naked body (lucky her)*
Treanz: *sitting on top of the other two* "I'm queen of the world!"
Peachy: "Get off!"
Treanz: *looks down at Numair* "Why Numy, what nice abs you have!"
Numair: "Huh?"
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "You're supposed to say 'All the better to seduce you with!'"
Numair: "Oh"
Peachy: "Get off! I can't breathe"
Treanz: *reaches over and runs fingers through his hair* "Why Numy, what long hair you have"
Numair: "Just watch out for the lice"
Treanz: *springs up and runs far from Numair, to the sink on the edge of the stage, where she proceeds to vigorously wash her hands* "Ahhh!"
Peachy: *shoves Numair off her, sending him sprawling* "THANK-YOU! HOW HARD WAS THAT PEOPLE?"
Numair: *rubs head where he hit his head on the corner of the couch* "Ow" *stands up*
Daine: *arms crossed, tapping foot*
Numair: *turns on charming smile* "Magelet!"
Daine: *glares*
Numair: *looks down and remembers that he is only clad in a loincloth* *gulps* *smiles hesitantly* "Daine, this isn't what it looks like"
Daine: "You tell me what it is then"
Numair: "Alright, well, you see what happened was-"
Treanz: *returns from sink* "He was out the back with Numair's Angel, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko" *shrugs* "They kept his clothes to sell on e-bay"
Daine: "e-what?"
Treanz: "e-bay online. It's where I bought those dodgy cages I'm keeping you freaks in. The main problem is that you're all breaking out of them. We've had to put most of you on tranquilizers. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate while playing Crash Bandicoot on my PS2 with all that noise?"
Peachy: *shakes head sadly in disbelief* "Right, back to Daine. Numair, why don't you tell Daine about Amanda?"
Numair: *blushes* "What can I say? It was an Alternate Universe, and you were dead ..."
Daine: *hyperventilating* "What?"
Treanz: "Nah, don't worry. It's not like he preferred her to you or anything. I mean, she was only closer to his age, had awesome magic, and was pretty, devoted and in love with him ... What was not to like? They made such a good couple ... I suppose you could say she was a better, smarter, less skanky alternative to Varice"
Daine: *having a breakdown*
Numair: "Shut-up!"
Treanz: "If I was her, I'd have been scared long ago, on the first morning I woke up and saw your hairy ass in bed with me"
Numair: "I do not have a hairy ass!"
Treanz: "Do too!"
Numair: "I can prove it!"
Treanz: "Do it then"
Numair: *turns his back to the audience and Treanz, bends over slightly and pulls down the back of his loincloth to reveal a smooth, shiny, toned butt* "See. Told you so!"
Peachy: *open mouthed in surprise (and delight . who knew Numair had such a great backside?)
Numair: *moans* "This is ruining my reputation"
Treanz: *brightly* "Your rep? I've heard that alright! About how you became a shape-shifter because you ran out of Carthaki Court Ladies, which is no mean feat in itself, and then proceeded to conquer animal kingdom! You have to admit Numy, once you get a rep like THAT it's hard to ruin it ... Unless of course, you've moved onto vegetables?"
Peachy: *shakes head* "You've got a sick, sick mind"
Treanz: *ignoring Peachy* "And if you two are shape-shifters ... Wow, you guys could write you own Karma-Sutra!"
Peachy: *disgusted*
Daine: *disbelieving*
Numair: *thoughtful*
Treanz: "Can you guys catch animal diseases, out of curiosity?"
Numair: "Daine has fleas"
Daine: "Numair had worms"
Peachy: "EW!"
Treanz: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! You obviously haven't had your shots!"
Daine: *bitterly* "Numair was too busy with his WIFE"
Numair: "It's not my fault she's closer to my age"
Daine: *sobbing* "Oh, so I'm too young now?"
Numair: "Daine, listen. I just have... Certain needs"
*suddenly, a cloud of smoke appears in the centre of the stage*
*A tall man with brown hair, green skin, a VERY dirty loincloth and huge antlers steps out*
*He glances around the studio with obvious distaste for a moment, before his eyes rest on Numair, then crying Daine, then back to Numair*
*Weiryn narrows his eyes menacingly and takes a step towards Numair*
Numair: "Mr Weiryn, sir. Uh, nice weather we're having, isn't it?"
Weiryn: *growls* "I wouldn't know, it's always sunny in the Divine Realms"
Daine: "Da!" *runs over to him* "Da, I'm so glad you're here! Take me out of this horrible place!"
Weiryn: "I will soon sweet. Just as soon as I deal with the mage - you might want to cover your eyes"
Daine: "You're not going to hurt Numair, are you? You can hurt those two-" *points to Treanz and Peachy* "but it wasn't his fault. They made him warped"
Peachy: *whispers to Treanz* "Don't make any sudden moves . and if its possible, don't do anything stupid"
Treanz: *shrugs* "I don't deny it ... I spiked his drink, and let QueenofConnaught whisk him off to an alternate universe ... You just wait until it's your turn Weiryn!"
Weiryn: *blinks* *considers this*
Peachy: *whispers* "Ohh! Blackmail! Good trick"
Treanz: *whispers back* "I know. How else do you think I got this show? I told the producer AJ that if she didn't let me have the show, I'd tell everyone about the time she was three and got a baked-bean stuck up her nose ..."
Peachy: *shakes head*
Weiryn: *looks from Numair to Treanz and Peachy, and back again* "So whose fault is this?"
Numair: *points at Treanz*
Treanz: *points at Numair*
Peachy: *points at Numair*
Numair: *gulps*
Treanz: *smirks*
Peachy: *covers eyes*
Weiryn: *slowly walks away. Suddenly, he turns, and charges at Numair with his antlers down, ready to cause bodily injury*
Numair: "Ahhhh!" *runs away*
Peachy: *sits down with some pop-corn* "We could be here for a while"
Treanz: *pulls out the white chocolate M&Ms and Vanilla Coke* "Bliss"
Daine: *crouching under coffee table*
Peachy: "So where are you going to send them when all this is over?"
Treanz: "I've got a tight budget right now, so I'm going to just let Daine go off to the Divine Realms with Weiryn, and Numair can go to the hospital with the paramedics"
Peachy: "Oh. Cool"
*A crash and bang sound from the back ground. A teen girl with a really cool super hero costume flies in, and lands near Treanz and Peachy*
Peachy: *eyes her cautiously* "Are you here to stop Numair from getting beaten up?"
youdontneedtoknow: *lifts an eyebrow mysteriously*
Treanz: *snorts Vanilla coke everywhere* "Lindsay, you made it!"
youdontneedtoknow: "My super reviewer hotline went off, and said that there was an episode I wasn't allowed to miss. Come on - as if I'd have missed Weiryn bashing Numair for anything!"
Peachy: "I know what you mean. By the way, what's with the costume?"
Daine: *tries to create a diversion unsuccessfully by turning into a rabbit, and hopping offstage*
youdontneedtoknow: *glares at Treanz* "That's what I'd like to know"
Treanz: *shrugs* "Ask Katrina at the end of the show. Anyway, sit down, pig out on the M&Ms and watch the show while it lasts!
Numair: *In the background* "Yeow! Ow! Stop! Please! That hurts! A lot! Mommy ..."
Treanz: *glances over her shoulder* "Thanks for tuning in; we've run out of time for this show, unfortunately. We all know how much you love to see Numair being bashed! Complaints and compliments can be sent using the little box market 'submit review' below, along with your picks for next chapter! I'm Dr Treanz-Alyce, the one stuffed with popcorn is Peachy- Garlic, and the one in the leotard suit is Super Reviewer, a.k.a. youdontneedtoknow! I'll see you next episode, which either SeaDragon or Alanna-of-Olau will be hosting with me, depending on the chosen couple! And don't forget - the only thing worse than a reluctant bridgegroom, is a reluctant hairdresser! If you don't get that, don't worry, I don't either!"
Numair: "HELP!" *fades out*
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youdontneedtoknow: I'm sorry it was corny - its just that you deserved a much better part than Random Audience Person LOL :oP
Stats: 17718 characters, 2959 words, 538 lines, 227 paragraphs and 10 pages
R&R - Roger and Delia, or Kel and Dom, up next, depending on votes! ;D
- Peace out, rock on
Treanz-Alyce
Summary/warning): Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!
Author's Note: Alright, listen up good, people. The writer and producer of this show have decided that Treanz-Alyce should not be left with the guests without supervision (if last episode is anything to go by) ... I got several responses with people volunteering to be in this fic, and I'm taking you up on your offers ... or in some cases, you're regular reviewers of my fics or whatever, so I adore you and decided that you deserved at least one appearance in this insane 'talk-show'! Check the list I've got below to see if you're on it. Most of you should already have gotten an email from me anyway :) so it's no surprise ... if you're new to this fic, just email me or in your review tell me you want a part in the fic in future episodes. I'm sorry, if I warp your character completely, to fit my fic..... I try to keep the guest co-hosts as sane as possible, but unfortunately, Treanz's sanity is on the decrease to counter-act it LOL! The following is a ROUGH GUIDELINE ONLY ... Anything can change :P This Episode: Co-host = Peachy Garlic; Guests = youdontneedtoknow, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel & Tenken no Miko; Featured-story: 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = Alanna-of-Olau; Guests = Dead Life, Death Goddess Assassin & Flaming Knight; Episode 4 or 5: Co-Host = SeaDragon (& her frogs); Guests = youdontneedtoknow, ShadowKitten2, & (uncast) Episode 6: Co-Host = (uncast); Guests = (uncast), (uncast) & (uncast)
As you can see, I need more people. If you want to be in multiple chapters, let me know ... By the way, I chose the Co-Hosts in 4 and 5 for a special reason (the hint is in their reviews LOL ... its something to do with the couples appearing ... and the guests are also chosen for certain reasons ... when you read this chapter, you'll understand)
Thanks to: Storm Mage, youdontneedtoknow, Kyprioth, Numair's Angel, Keladry of Queenscove, Tears Washed Away, Rachel, Allied Inspiration, Wild Knight, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, SeaDragon, anonymous, Buffy, ditzychick, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, summers2004, Death Goddess Assassin, ShadowKitten2, Dead Life, Alanna-of-Olau and Tenken no Miko! Double thanks to: youdontneedtoknow, Peachy Garlic, Flaming Knight, ditzy chick and Dead Life.
Hope you enjoy this chapter, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions.
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Episode 3
Treanz-Alyce: "Hello, and welcome to another episode of Dr Treanz-Alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz, your counselor and host-"
Peachy-Garlic: "And I'm Dr Peachy! This episode we'll be-"
Treanz: "Hey! This is my show! I'm still in charge, no matter what Katrina and AJ say"
Peachy: *rolls eyes* "Whatever"
Treanz: "Right! As I was saying before Dr Peachy RUDELY interrupted, I'm Dr Treanz, the HOST. This episode, we had Duke Roger and Lady Delia scheduled to appear, but, due to the fortunate electrocution of Duke Roger-"
Peachy: "ahem" *smiling politely*
Treanz: "I mean terribly tragic, unfortunate electrocution of the ugly pug faced slug-"
Peachy: "AHEM" *smile becoming strained*
Treanz: *pouts* "Have it your way then. The loser got fried during the last episode, while he was leading the riot that destroyed my beautiful studio! HAPPY?"
Peachy: "Very"
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*
Peachy: *sighs* "This is going to be a LONG episode"
Treanz: *smile brightens* "That's alright. We've got Veralidaine Sarrasri the Wildmage, and Numair Salamin the black robe mage, coming in!"
*Numair's Angel jumps up from her front-row seat in audience, going ballistic with happiness*
Numair's Angel: "OH! MY! GOD! NUMAIR!"
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko appear out of thin air*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: "Did somebody say ... NUMAIR?"
Numair's Angel: *dancing for joy* "Numy's coming! Numy's coming! Numy's coming!"
Tenken no Miko: *rubs hands together* "I've got an idea"
*The three whisper quietly amongst themselves for several moments, oblivious to the confused audience, apprehensive Peachy and excited Treanz, (who has recently overdosed on white chocolate and vanilla coke in her dressing room, unbeknownst to Katrina and Amanda!)*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *looks at Tenken no Miko in awe* "That's brilliant!"
Tenken no Miko: *smug* "I know"
Numair's Angel: "What are we waiting for?"
*The three troop out the back of the audience's seating area, and through a 'top-secret' side door*
Treanz: *bobbing up and down in seat, hyper*
*Everyone stares at door in silence for several moments, waiting for a big explosion or something of the sort*
Treanz: "On with the show! First, Daine!"
*Screen pops up, showing Daine walking along the backstage corridor. She enters, and staggers down to where Treanz and Peachy are sitting*
Daine: *dazed and disorientated* "Where am I? Am I in the Divine Realms again? Ma? Da? Hello?"
Peachy: *kindly* "No, Daine, you're not ... Can I have your autograph?"
Treanz: "Of course you're not in the Divine Realms! I mean, could you do this in the Divine Realms?"
*Treanz stands up. Slowly she drifts upwards, before proceeding to fly around*
Audience: "Oooh! Aaah!"
*Treanz zooms around stage for a moment. Multi-coloured shooting stars surround her. Suddenly 'crack', 'fizzle' and 'snap' sounds are heard, and Treanz falls from the sky, landing on the couch with a thud*
Treanz: *mutters* "Damn pyrotechnics"
Peachy: *raises eyebrow*
Treanz: "You were impressed! Admit it!"
Peachy: "Was not!"
Treanz: "Were too! You're just jealous!"
Peachy: "Of what exactly?"
Treanz: *silent as she thinks*
Daine: *sniffs* "Where am I?"
Peachy: *tartly* "The dingy little warehouse that is serving as our new temporary studio, until the other one is repaired"
Daine: "Oh"
Peachy: "Treanz, where's Numair?"
Treanz: *still thinking* "Out the back, in his cage. Well, he was last time I checked."
Peachy: "Which was when?"
Treanz: "Three days ago"
Peachy: *blinks*
Treanz: *realization dawns* "Oh yeah" *jumps up and runs backstage* *returns several moments later*
Peachy: "Well?"
Treanz: "He's not there!"
Peachy: "WHAT?"
Treanz: *whispers* "Don't worry, he'll turn up eventually. Let's have some fun with Daine first"
Peachy: *grins evilly*
Treanz: *grins evilly*
Daine: *whimpers*
Peachy: "Take a seat Daine, take a seat! It's alright, we'll find your precious Numair soon enough. Until then, let's just have a little ... Chat!"
Daine: *sits down gingerly, discreetly searching for an escape route*
Treanz: "Now, Daine ... Tell us about yourself"
Daine: "Why?"
Peachy: "Because we say so"
Daine: "I don't want to"
Treanz: *kindly* "Would you like us to make you?"
Daine: *shrinks back into chair* "
Peachy: "It's alright Daine, we don't bite"
Treanz: *mutters* "Speak for yourself"
Peachy: *glares* "Alrighty, then. Where are you from?"
Daine: "Snowsdale in Galla, but I now live in Tortall-"
Treanz: *interrupts* "With your elderly lover!"
Daine: "Numair isn't elderly!"
Peachy: *turns laugh into hacking cough*
Treanz: "Sure he isn't"
Daine: *stands up* "That's it, I'm leaving"
Treanz: "I'd like to see you try"
Daine: *sits reluctantly*
Peachy: "So how many years are there between you and old man Numy?"
Daine: *becoming distressed* "Fourteen. And he's not old!"
Treanz: "So how old were you when you two first hooked up? Twelve, thirteen?"
Daine: "Sixteen"
Treanz: *mutters* "Pedophile"
Peachy: *whispers* "Technically, he was doing nothing wrong -sixteen is legal - and they're in 'love'."
Treanz: *whispers back* "It's still gross"
Peachy: *clears throat* "So he was thirty? What the hell were you doing hooking up with a thirty year old man when you were sixteen?"
Daine: *shrugs* "He's a good kisser"
Treanz: "He's had a lot of experience"
Daine: *narrows eyes* "What's that supposed to mean?"
Treanz: "I don't know ... Why don't you ask his WIFE Amanda?"
Daine: *gasp* "No!"
Peachy: "Yes!"
Treanz: "Haven't you read 'Far and Away' by QueenofConnaught? He's married ..."
Daine: *lower lip begins to tremble*
Peachy: "But I'm sure you don't mind ... By the way, where did NUMAIR'S ANGEL get to?"
Daine: "Numair's Angel?"
Peachy: *nods head gravely*
Daine: "Oh no"
Treanz: "He's got a lot of explaining to do"
Daine: "He sure does"
*Suddenly a commotion is heard backstage*
*Treanz and Peachy jump up in alarm*
*Daine bursts into tears*
*Numair comes running onstage, in a state of undress, with three teenage girls following him. All are holding various articles of his clothing*
Numair: *tries to hide himself by wedging in between Treanz and Peachy's armchairs*
CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88: *hold up belt and pair of pants* "I got his belt and breeches!"
Numair's Angel: *holds up shirt and head band* "I got his shirt and headband"
Tenken no Miko: *holds up tunic and shoes* "I got his tunic and shoes"
*Treanz grins evilly (again). Reaches between armchairs, grabs a handful of Numair's hair and yanks his head up so only neck and higher is showing over the side of the red armrest*
Treanz: *singsong voice* "I got his he-ad!"
*CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88, Numair's Angel and Tenken no Miko all turn pale, before running offstage screaming at the top of their lungs*
*Treanz rolls around laughing*
Numair: *muffled* "Hello? I'm stuck"
Daine: "Good"
Peachy: *to Treanz* "Help me here"
*Treanz and Peachy progressively pull Numair out of the niche. The three end up in a pile; Peachy on bottom, Numair in the middle and Treanz on top*
Numair: "Now this brings back some memories..."
Peachy: *slaps him, with some effort, seeing she is being crushed under his almost naked body (lucky her)*
Treanz: *sitting on top of the other two* "I'm queen of the world!"
Peachy: "Get off!"
Treanz: *looks down at Numair* "Why Numy, what nice abs you have!"
Numair: "Huh?"
Treanz: *rolls eyes* "You're supposed to say 'All the better to seduce you with!'"
Numair: "Oh"
Peachy: "Get off! I can't breathe"
Treanz: *reaches over and runs fingers through his hair* "Why Numy, what long hair you have"
Numair: "Just watch out for the lice"
Treanz: *springs up and runs far from Numair, to the sink on the edge of the stage, where she proceeds to vigorously wash her hands* "Ahhh!"
Peachy: *shoves Numair off her, sending him sprawling* "THANK-YOU! HOW HARD WAS THAT PEOPLE?"
Numair: *rubs head where he hit his head on the corner of the couch* "Ow" *stands up*
Daine: *arms crossed, tapping foot*
Numair: *turns on charming smile* "Magelet!"
Daine: *glares*
Numair: *looks down and remembers that he is only clad in a loincloth* *gulps* *smiles hesitantly* "Daine, this isn't what it looks like"
Daine: "You tell me what it is then"
Numair: "Alright, well, you see what happened was-"
Treanz: *returns from sink* "He was out the back with Numair's Angel, CrAzYhOrSeGiRl88 and Tenken no Miko" *shrugs* "They kept his clothes to sell on e-bay"
Daine: "e-what?"
Treanz: "e-bay online. It's where I bought those dodgy cages I'm keeping you freaks in. The main problem is that you're all breaking out of them. We've had to put most of you on tranquilizers. I mean, how am I supposed to concentrate while playing Crash Bandicoot on my PS2 with all that noise?"
Peachy: *shakes head sadly in disbelief* "Right, back to Daine. Numair, why don't you tell Daine about Amanda?"
Numair: *blushes* "What can I say? It was an Alternate Universe, and you were dead ..."
Daine: *hyperventilating* "What?"
Treanz: "Nah, don't worry. It's not like he preferred her to you or anything. I mean, she was only closer to his age, had awesome magic, and was pretty, devoted and in love with him ... What was not to like? They made such a good couple ... I suppose you could say she was a better, smarter, less skanky alternative to Varice"
Daine: *having a breakdown*
Numair: "Shut-up!"
Treanz: "If I was her, I'd have been scared long ago, on the first morning I woke up and saw your hairy ass in bed with me"
Numair: "I do not have a hairy ass!"
Treanz: "Do too!"
Numair: "I can prove it!"
Treanz: "Do it then"
Numair: *turns his back to the audience and Treanz, bends over slightly and pulls down the back of his loincloth to reveal a smooth, shiny, toned butt* "See. Told you so!"
Peachy: *open mouthed in surprise (and delight . who knew Numair had such a great backside?)
Numair: *moans* "This is ruining my reputation"
Treanz: *brightly* "Your rep? I've heard that alright! About how you became a shape-shifter because you ran out of Carthaki Court Ladies, which is no mean feat in itself, and then proceeded to conquer animal kingdom! You have to admit Numy, once you get a rep like THAT it's hard to ruin it ... Unless of course, you've moved onto vegetables?"
Peachy: *shakes head* "You've got a sick, sick mind"
Treanz: *ignoring Peachy* "And if you two are shape-shifters ... Wow, you guys could write you own Karma-Sutra!"
Peachy: *disgusted*
Daine: *disbelieving*
Numair: *thoughtful*
Treanz: "Can you guys catch animal diseases, out of curiosity?"
Numair: "Daine has fleas"
Daine: "Numair had worms"
Peachy: "EW!"
Treanz: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! You obviously haven't had your shots!"
Daine: *bitterly* "Numair was too busy with his WIFE"
Numair: "It's not my fault she's closer to my age"
Daine: *sobbing* "Oh, so I'm too young now?"
Numair: "Daine, listen. I just have... Certain needs"
*suddenly, a cloud of smoke appears in the centre of the stage*
*A tall man with brown hair, green skin, a VERY dirty loincloth and huge antlers steps out*
*He glances around the studio with obvious distaste for a moment, before his eyes rest on Numair, then crying Daine, then back to Numair*
*Weiryn narrows his eyes menacingly and takes a step towards Numair*
Numair: "Mr Weiryn, sir. Uh, nice weather we're having, isn't it?"
Weiryn: *growls* "I wouldn't know, it's always sunny in the Divine Realms"
Daine: "Da!" *runs over to him* "Da, I'm so glad you're here! Take me out of this horrible place!"
Weiryn: "I will soon sweet. Just as soon as I deal with the mage - you might want to cover your eyes"
Daine: "You're not going to hurt Numair, are you? You can hurt those two-" *points to Treanz and Peachy* "but it wasn't his fault. They made him warped"
Peachy: *whispers to Treanz* "Don't make any sudden moves . and if its possible, don't do anything stupid"
Treanz: *shrugs* "I don't deny it ... I spiked his drink, and let QueenofConnaught whisk him off to an alternate universe ... You just wait until it's your turn Weiryn!"
Weiryn: *blinks* *considers this*
Peachy: *whispers* "Ohh! Blackmail! Good trick"
Treanz: *whispers back* "I know. How else do you think I got this show? I told the producer AJ that if she didn't let me have the show, I'd tell everyone about the time she was three and got a baked-bean stuck up her nose ..."
Peachy: *shakes head*
Weiryn: *looks from Numair to Treanz and Peachy, and back again* "So whose fault is this?"
Numair: *points at Treanz*
Treanz: *points at Numair*
Peachy: *points at Numair*
Numair: *gulps*
Treanz: *smirks*
Peachy: *covers eyes*
Weiryn: *slowly walks away. Suddenly, he turns, and charges at Numair with his antlers down, ready to cause bodily injury*
Numair: "Ahhhh!" *runs away*
Peachy: *sits down with some pop-corn* "We could be here for a while"
Treanz: *pulls out the white chocolate M&Ms and Vanilla Coke* "Bliss"
Daine: *crouching under coffee table*
Peachy: "So where are you going to send them when all this is over?"
Treanz: "I've got a tight budget right now, so I'm going to just let Daine go off to the Divine Realms with Weiryn, and Numair can go to the hospital with the paramedics"
Peachy: "Oh. Cool"
*A crash and bang sound from the back ground. A teen girl with a really cool super hero costume flies in, and lands near Treanz and Peachy*
Peachy: *eyes her cautiously* "Are you here to stop Numair from getting beaten up?"
youdontneedtoknow: *lifts an eyebrow mysteriously*
Treanz: *snorts Vanilla coke everywhere* "Lindsay, you made it!"
youdontneedtoknow: "My super reviewer hotline went off, and said that there was an episode I wasn't allowed to miss. Come on - as if I'd have missed Weiryn bashing Numair for anything!"
Peachy: "I know what you mean. By the way, what's with the costume?"
Daine: *tries to create a diversion unsuccessfully by turning into a rabbit, and hopping offstage*
youdontneedtoknow: *glares at Treanz* "That's what I'd like to know"
Treanz: *shrugs* "Ask Katrina at the end of the show. Anyway, sit down, pig out on the M&Ms and watch the show while it lasts!
Numair: *In the background* "Yeow! Ow! Stop! Please! That hurts! A lot! Mommy ..."
Treanz: *glances over her shoulder* "Thanks for tuning in; we've run out of time for this show, unfortunately. We all know how much you love to see Numair being bashed! Complaints and compliments can be sent using the little box market 'submit review' below, along with your picks for next chapter! I'm Dr Treanz-Alyce, the one stuffed with popcorn is Peachy- Garlic, and the one in the leotard suit is Super Reviewer, a.k.a. youdontneedtoknow! I'll see you next episode, which either SeaDragon or Alanna-of-Olau will be hosting with me, depending on the chosen couple! And don't forget - the only thing worse than a reluctant bridgegroom, is a reluctant hairdresser! If you don't get that, don't worry, I don't either!"
Numair: "HELP!" *fades out*
************************************************************************
youdontneedtoknow: I'm sorry it was corny - its just that you deserved a much better part than Random Audience Person LOL :oP
Stats: 17718 characters, 2959 words, 538 lines, 227 paragraphs and 10 pages
R&R - Roger and Delia, or Kel and Dom, up next, depending on votes! ;D
- Peace out, rock on
Treanz-Alyce
