Disclaimer: I own nothing except myself. The reviews own themselves, and
Tamora Pierce owns her characters.
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I never realized just how in-demand Delia and Roger were though :D But I assure you that I have something special planned for next chapter (5 - Kel and Dom), and it involves the cold, sarcastic and cynical (had to throw that in Alex :P) SeaDragon, who of course will wreak unprecedented havoc on the show! So, enjoy this chapter, and if you haven't already, check out my other humor/parody fic 'You Don't Say'!
Bon Appetite!
**************************************************************************** ******************************
Episode 4
Treanz: "Hi again, and welcome to Couple Counseling! I'm Treanz, and this" *gestures to co-host* "Is Alanna-of-Olau, also known as AoO!"
AoO: "I am not!"
Treanz: "Well, you are now. Alanna-of-Olau is way too long to write. Now, this episode we have two very special and hard to find guests on the show. I warn you, they may not be exactly what you expected"
AoO: *mutters* "Understatement of the Century"
Treanz: *glares* "Anyway. Roger of Conte, back from the dead"
AoO: "again"
Treanz: "And Delia of Eldorne"
AoO: *sniggers*
Treanz: "who is on a special 'parole' from Traitor's Hill just so she could visit us today"
AoO: "And how lucky we all are"
Treanz: "Shush, or you'll give the surprise away"
AoO: "More like the horror"
Treanz: "It's not her fault she's ... like she is"
AoO: "Since when were you compassionate?"
Treanz: *grins evilly* "Since I decided to give Roger the shock of his life"
AoO: *smirks* "That, I'm sure you will. I almost feel sorry for him ... almost"
Treanz: *beams*
AoO: *groans* "Don't let it get to your already over-inflated head"
Treanz: *pouts* "I do not have a big head"
AoO: "Keep telling yourself that"
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*
AoO: "Anyway..."
Treanz: "Oh yeah. Please ... ahem, 'welcome' ... Roger, the *CENSORED* who just happened to have ruined my beautiful studio" *sniff* *mutters* "ass"
*a cloud of orange smoke suddenly appears on the couch. A man becomes visible as the smoke clears*
Treanz: *cough* *splutter* *cough* "I'm asthmatic, you know"
Roger: *rolls eyes and shrugs shoulders*
Treanz: *narrows eyes at Roger*
Roger: *smiles charmingly at audience of fangirls*
Fangirl audience: *swoon*
Treanz: *completely taken aback* "Ew! People, he's dead!"
AoO: "Obviously not anymore. Must I bring up the fact that YOU were the one who brought him back?"
Treanz: "hmp" *folds arms crossly* *whines* "But he's evil. It's not fair"
AoO: *reaches over and feels Treanz's forehead for her temperature* "Are you feeling okay?"
Treanz: *sighs dramatically* "Nope. Maybe he's corrupting me as well" *pauses* *melodramatic gasp*
AoO: *rolls eyes in annoyance* "What now?"
Treanz: "I'm too young to die!"
Roger: *smiles charmingly, though strained* "Not necessarily - it can be arranged"
Treanz: "No one asked the peanut gallery"
Roger: *mimics* "No one asked the peanut gallery?"
AoO: *sighs* "Not again"
Roger: "Do I look that stupid?"
Treanz: "Do you look that stupid? YES YOU DO!"
Roger: *winces* "last time we went through this, I ended up with concussion"
Treanz: *grins triumphantly* "You sure did"
Roger: *smile brightens* "Have you ever heard of role-reversal?"
AoO: "Her psychiatrist uses it all the time"
Roger: *slumps slightly, put out* "Oh. Bummer"
Treanz: *glares at him for a moment* "I hate you"
*silence*
AoO: "That was random"
Roger: *stares in horror* "But ... But everybody loves the Rog-inater"
Treanz: *blows raspberries at him*
Roger: "I mean we're, we're talking about THE Rog-inator"
AoO: *sniggers*
Roger: "The Rog-inator extraordinaire is not loved ... Oh my god!" *fans himself frantically*
Treanz: "The Rog-inator?" *snorts* "Just think of all the possibilities ..."
AoO: "Look at me; I'm the AoO-inator"
Treanz: "Oh, oh!" *Strikes a pose* "And I'm the Treanz-inator"
*Treanz and AoO burst into gales of laughter*
Treanz: "And while Roger comes to turns with his rejection, we should probably bring in our next guest"
AoO: *sits up straighter, smirk in place, and eyes on Roger*
Roger: *looks up, feeling AoO eyes on her, sorry, him. Shuffles away from her slightly, scared*
Treanz: "Please welcome Delia of Eldorne"
Roger: *freezes*
*in slow motion*
*the backstage doors open ... slowly*
*a foot becomes visible*
*the resulting leg becomes visible*
*the body finally goes through the door*
*silence*
*Delia of Eldorne stares around stupidly, before her eyes rest on Roger"
Roger: *whispers* "Delia?" *shrinks away in horror*
AoO: *stuffs fist in mouth to muffle laughter*
Treanz: *barely controlling herself*
Delia: *narrows eyes* *sweetly* "What's wrong Roger, aren't I what you expected?"
Roger: "Well, no ... What happened?"
Delia: "My girlfriend Yolande likes me better like this. Don't you?"
Roger: "No. Hold on - your girlfriend?" *disgusted*
Delia: *shrugs* "We're both in for life, and it gets kinda lonely on Traitor's Hill"
Roger: *surveys her in ill-disguised distaste* "Delia, what have you done to yourself?"
Delia: *shrugs again* "Shaved my head, got eight tattoos, fifteen piercing, put on some pounds, built muscles and stopped being a pansy"
Treanz: *shrieks in laugher* "She's BUTCH!"
Delia: *turns to Treanz, dangerously slow* "Say that again"
Treanz: "You're- omph"
AoO: *clamps hand over Treanz's big mouth* "Do you want to get bashed up?"
Treanz: *bites AoO's hand"
AoO: "OW!"
Treanz: *imperiously* "I'm the host"
AoO: "And Numair was a mage, but that didn't save him"
Treanz: "Weiryn was a god"
AoO: "And Delia's in prison ... Think about it"
Treanz: *thinks about it*
Delia: *smiles sweetly at Roger* "What do you say Roger, one for old times sake?"
Roger: *horrified* "Delia, I-"
Delia: *smile fades* "Yes Rogie?"
Roger: *fumbles* "Um, I, uh"
Treanz: *interrupts* "What he's trying to say, is that one, for 'some' reason he doesn't find you attractive, and two, he's gay"
*shocked silence*
AoO: *whisper's furiously* "That wasn't in the script ... Now that I think about it, none of this was, but - but that's beside the point"
Delia: *taken aback" "G-Gay?"
Treanz: *nods vigorously* "I heard from my friend's cousin's cleaner's vet that Roger, being in the Realm of the Dead, saves the Black God loads on Gigolo call-out fees!"
Roger: *blushes*
Treanz: *pretending to be compassionate* "That's alright Roger. She" *jerks thumb at Delia* "is enough to turn anyone queer"
AoO: *puts head in hands* "You possess absolutely no tact what-so-ever"
Treanz: *beams* "Wonderful, isn't it"
Delia: *Eyes bulging as she gapes at Treanz in seething anger* "You're going to pay for that"
Roger: *stands up excitedly* "I second that"
*Numair limps onstage, covered in bandages*
Numair: "Did someone say payback for Treanz?"
*Alanna enters with sharp sword ready*
Alanna: "I'm game"
*Thayet staggers onstage*
Thayet: "My beauty products, they're all ruined from the island. You're in for it now!"
*Sobbing and clutching his crown, Jon enters*
Jon: "The salt water tarnished my precious. That was the last straw"
*George sneaks into the studio*
George: "I almost had a heart attack at the place she sent Alanna and I, the 'exercises' were so vigorous. And there was a web-cam hidden in our room, but we didn't realize until it had been broadcasted all over the Eastern Lands"
*A wolf with Daine's head and VERY sharp teeth bounds towards the angry mob*
Daine: "That twisted CENSORED is not even a counselor! She forged her degree!"
Treanz: *gulps* "People, calm down! It's not that big a deal" *chuckles nervously* *glances towards AoO for help*
AoO: *snorts* "You're on your own here"
Treanz: *sarcastically* "Thanks so much!"
Alanna: "ROGER?"
Roger: "Alanna?" *whimpers*
Jon: "Delia?"
Delia: "Jonathon?"
Daine: *raises an eyebrow (if wolves have eyebrows)*
Numair: *whispers to Daine* "They used to court"
Daine: "Oh" *sniggers* "What was he on at that stage?"
Thayet: *whispers to George* "I though she was in prison"
George: "She was ... emphasis on was"
Thayet: *speaks to entire mob* "Shouldn't we just get on with causing Treanz grievous bodily harm?
Alanna: "I have to go kill Roger again"
Roger: "I have to go get killed again"
Delia: "I need to go bash up Jon:
Jon: "I need to go get bashed up by butch Delia"
Numair: "I'll help"
Daine: "Me too"
George: "I'm still in"
Thayet: *feeling important* "Alright then" *glances around studio* "Where is she?"
*Treanz has, by this stage, escaped, and is far, far away*
George: "She's gone!"
Numair: "Good one George!"
George: "It wasn't me! It was Daine!"
*An argument ensures between Daine, Numair, George and Thayet*
*Alanna is in on the left side of the stage, killing Roger again*
*Delia is on the right side of the stage, bashing up Jon*
AoO: "This fic always ends so violently!" *shrugs* "I'm Alanna-of-Olau, your guest co-host for this episode of Couple Counseling, the show where problems are not really solved, just magnified, exaggerated, and created! Now, I'm not going to end with the lame quote that is Treanz tradition, so tune in next time, which will be soon if you click the button that says submit review! Tune in next episode to check out Kel and Dom, plus special co-host SeaDragon"
Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I never realized just how in-demand Delia and Roger were though :D But I assure you that I have something special planned for next chapter (5 - Kel and Dom), and it involves the cold, sarcastic and cynical (had to throw that in Alex :P) SeaDragon, who of course will wreak unprecedented havoc on the show! So, enjoy this chapter, and if you haven't already, check out my other humor/parody fic 'You Don't Say'!
Bon Appetite!
**************************************************************************** ******************************
Episode 4
Treanz: "Hi again, and welcome to Couple Counseling! I'm Treanz, and this" *gestures to co-host* "Is Alanna-of-Olau, also known as AoO!"
AoO: "I am not!"
Treanz: "Well, you are now. Alanna-of-Olau is way too long to write. Now, this episode we have two very special and hard to find guests on the show. I warn you, they may not be exactly what you expected"
AoO: *mutters* "Understatement of the Century"
Treanz: *glares* "Anyway. Roger of Conte, back from the dead"
AoO: "again"
Treanz: "And Delia of Eldorne"
AoO: *sniggers*
Treanz: "who is on a special 'parole' from Traitor's Hill just so she could visit us today"
AoO: "And how lucky we all are"
Treanz: "Shush, or you'll give the surprise away"
AoO: "More like the horror"
Treanz: "It's not her fault she's ... like she is"
AoO: "Since when were you compassionate?"
Treanz: *grins evilly* "Since I decided to give Roger the shock of his life"
AoO: *smirks* "That, I'm sure you will. I almost feel sorry for him ... almost"
Treanz: *beams*
AoO: *groans* "Don't let it get to your already over-inflated head"
Treanz: *pouts* "I do not have a big head"
AoO: "Keep telling yourself that"
Treanz: *pokes tongue out at her*
AoO: "Anyway..."
Treanz: "Oh yeah. Please ... ahem, 'welcome' ... Roger, the *CENSORED* who just happened to have ruined my beautiful studio" *sniff* *mutters* "ass"
*a cloud of orange smoke suddenly appears on the couch. A man becomes visible as the smoke clears*
Treanz: *cough* *splutter* *cough* "I'm asthmatic, you know"
Roger: *rolls eyes and shrugs shoulders*
Treanz: *narrows eyes at Roger*
Roger: *smiles charmingly at audience of fangirls*
Fangirl audience: *swoon*
Treanz: *completely taken aback* "Ew! People, he's dead!"
AoO: "Obviously not anymore. Must I bring up the fact that YOU were the one who brought him back?"
Treanz: "hmp" *folds arms crossly* *whines* "But he's evil. It's not fair"
AoO: *reaches over and feels Treanz's forehead for her temperature* "Are you feeling okay?"
Treanz: *sighs dramatically* "Nope. Maybe he's corrupting me as well" *pauses* *melodramatic gasp*
AoO: *rolls eyes in annoyance* "What now?"
Treanz: "I'm too young to die!"
Roger: *smiles charmingly, though strained* "Not necessarily - it can be arranged"
Treanz: "No one asked the peanut gallery"
Roger: *mimics* "No one asked the peanut gallery?"
AoO: *sighs* "Not again"
Roger: "Do I look that stupid?"
Treanz: "Do you look that stupid? YES YOU DO!"
Roger: *winces* "last time we went through this, I ended up with concussion"
Treanz: *grins triumphantly* "You sure did"
Roger: *smile brightens* "Have you ever heard of role-reversal?"
AoO: "Her psychiatrist uses it all the time"
Roger: *slumps slightly, put out* "Oh. Bummer"
Treanz: *glares at him for a moment* "I hate you"
*silence*
AoO: "That was random"
Roger: *stares in horror* "But ... But everybody loves the Rog-inater"
Treanz: *blows raspberries at him*
Roger: "I mean we're, we're talking about THE Rog-inator"
AoO: *sniggers*
Roger: "The Rog-inator extraordinaire is not loved ... Oh my god!" *fans himself frantically*
Treanz: "The Rog-inator?" *snorts* "Just think of all the possibilities ..."
AoO: "Look at me; I'm the AoO-inator"
Treanz: "Oh, oh!" *Strikes a pose* "And I'm the Treanz-inator"
*Treanz and AoO burst into gales of laughter*
Treanz: "And while Roger comes to turns with his rejection, we should probably bring in our next guest"
AoO: *sits up straighter, smirk in place, and eyes on Roger*
Roger: *looks up, feeling AoO eyes on her, sorry, him. Shuffles away from her slightly, scared*
Treanz: "Please welcome Delia of Eldorne"
Roger: *freezes*
*in slow motion*
*the backstage doors open ... slowly*
*a foot becomes visible*
*the resulting leg becomes visible*
*the body finally goes through the door*
*silence*
*Delia of Eldorne stares around stupidly, before her eyes rest on Roger"
Roger: *whispers* "Delia?" *shrinks away in horror*
AoO: *stuffs fist in mouth to muffle laughter*
Treanz: *barely controlling herself*
Delia: *narrows eyes* *sweetly* "What's wrong Roger, aren't I what you expected?"
Roger: "Well, no ... What happened?"
Delia: "My girlfriend Yolande likes me better like this. Don't you?"
Roger: "No. Hold on - your girlfriend?" *disgusted*
Delia: *shrugs* "We're both in for life, and it gets kinda lonely on Traitor's Hill"
Roger: *surveys her in ill-disguised distaste* "Delia, what have you done to yourself?"
Delia: *shrugs again* "Shaved my head, got eight tattoos, fifteen piercing, put on some pounds, built muscles and stopped being a pansy"
Treanz: *shrieks in laugher* "She's BUTCH!"
Delia: *turns to Treanz, dangerously slow* "Say that again"
Treanz: "You're- omph"
AoO: *clamps hand over Treanz's big mouth* "Do you want to get bashed up?"
Treanz: *bites AoO's hand"
AoO: "OW!"
Treanz: *imperiously* "I'm the host"
AoO: "And Numair was a mage, but that didn't save him"
Treanz: "Weiryn was a god"
AoO: "And Delia's in prison ... Think about it"
Treanz: *thinks about it*
Delia: *smiles sweetly at Roger* "What do you say Roger, one for old times sake?"
Roger: *horrified* "Delia, I-"
Delia: *smile fades* "Yes Rogie?"
Roger: *fumbles* "Um, I, uh"
Treanz: *interrupts* "What he's trying to say, is that one, for 'some' reason he doesn't find you attractive, and two, he's gay"
*shocked silence*
AoO: *whisper's furiously* "That wasn't in the script ... Now that I think about it, none of this was, but - but that's beside the point"
Delia: *taken aback" "G-Gay?"
Treanz: *nods vigorously* "I heard from my friend's cousin's cleaner's vet that Roger, being in the Realm of the Dead, saves the Black God loads on Gigolo call-out fees!"
Roger: *blushes*
Treanz: *pretending to be compassionate* "That's alright Roger. She" *jerks thumb at Delia* "is enough to turn anyone queer"
AoO: *puts head in hands* "You possess absolutely no tact what-so-ever"
Treanz: *beams* "Wonderful, isn't it"
Delia: *Eyes bulging as she gapes at Treanz in seething anger* "You're going to pay for that"
Roger: *stands up excitedly* "I second that"
*Numair limps onstage, covered in bandages*
Numair: "Did someone say payback for Treanz?"
*Alanna enters with sharp sword ready*
Alanna: "I'm game"
*Thayet staggers onstage*
Thayet: "My beauty products, they're all ruined from the island. You're in for it now!"
*Sobbing and clutching his crown, Jon enters*
Jon: "The salt water tarnished my precious. That was the last straw"
*George sneaks into the studio*
George: "I almost had a heart attack at the place she sent Alanna and I, the 'exercises' were so vigorous. And there was a web-cam hidden in our room, but we didn't realize until it had been broadcasted all over the Eastern Lands"
*A wolf with Daine's head and VERY sharp teeth bounds towards the angry mob*
Daine: "That twisted CENSORED is not even a counselor! She forged her degree!"
Treanz: *gulps* "People, calm down! It's not that big a deal" *chuckles nervously* *glances towards AoO for help*
AoO: *snorts* "You're on your own here"
Treanz: *sarcastically* "Thanks so much!"
Alanna: "ROGER?"
Roger: "Alanna?" *whimpers*
Jon: "Delia?"
Delia: "Jonathon?"
Daine: *raises an eyebrow (if wolves have eyebrows)*
Numair: *whispers to Daine* "They used to court"
Daine: "Oh" *sniggers* "What was he on at that stage?"
Thayet: *whispers to George* "I though she was in prison"
George: "She was ... emphasis on was"
Thayet: *speaks to entire mob* "Shouldn't we just get on with causing Treanz grievous bodily harm?
Alanna: "I have to go kill Roger again"
Roger: "I have to go get killed again"
Delia: "I need to go bash up Jon:
Jon: "I need to go get bashed up by butch Delia"
Numair: "I'll help"
Daine: "Me too"
George: "I'm still in"
Thayet: *feeling important* "Alright then" *glances around studio* "Where is she?"
*Treanz has, by this stage, escaped, and is far, far away*
George: "She's gone!"
Numair: "Good one George!"
George: "It wasn't me! It was Daine!"
*An argument ensures between Daine, Numair, George and Thayet*
*Alanna is in on the left side of the stage, killing Roger again*
*Delia is on the right side of the stage, bashing up Jon*
AoO: "This fic always ends so violently!" *shrugs* "I'm Alanna-of-Olau, your guest co-host for this episode of Couple Counseling, the show where problems are not really solved, just magnified, exaggerated, and created! Now, I'm not going to end with the lame quote that is Treanz tradition, so tune in next time, which will be soon if you click the button that says submit review! Tune in next episode to check out Kel and Dom, plus special co-host SeaDragon"
