Chapter 25 – Memories

Sophie and Severus left the meeting together. Sophie was trying to construct the forthcoming conversation in her head. This was not going to be easy, and knowing Severus as she had come to know him, he would want answers, and would accept nothing other than the entire story.

Hesitantly she spoke, "I suppose you want to talk."

"Really? What gave you that idea?" He was angry. Almost as angry as he was during their first meeting. 'And that went so well,' she thought.

"We should go to my quarters; they are closer than your home." He was about to erupt. His ability to control his emotions was always a marvel to her, but never as much as this moment.

They arrived at Snape's quarters within minutes. They stepped in. Sophie was astounded. She hadn't been to his residence since the night after her first meeting with Draco. Severus always insisted on meeting in her office, now she saw why. The formally barren rooms were full of family heirlooms and personal items. She walked around slowly examining the pieces. The room that used to consist of some sparse furniture and a library now had paintings and tapestries, clocks and antique furniture, items she could not even classify suffice to say that they looked ancient. On a baroque table in the corner of the room was a huge pile of books. Walking over to them she was further stunned to find they consisted of Muggle literature: Shakespeare, Faulkner, Joyce, Melville, Dickens.

"What happened here?" She couldn't believe her eyes.

"Are you trying to avoid the topic at hand?" he said, his voice full of irritation.

Sophie couldn't stop her gaping. "I am trying to convince myself that I still have some sort of hold on reality. This is the same residence you kept last fall, right."

"Are you trying to be funny?"

No, funny was last thing she felt like being. "Where did all this stuff come from? Did you go on a shopping spree?"

He sighed. "These are all relics from my family; some date back centuries, some are more current. They were all in storage until recently when I decided it was time to take them out."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with our discussions into your past, would it?"

"You give yourself far too much credit, dear doctor. I simply decided that leaving it in storage defeats the purpose of keeping it as long as I have."

"Why haven't you shown me before?"

"That is not the issue we are here to discuss."

She sighed and looked down. "No, I suppose you have some questions you would liked answered?"

"How observant of you," he deadpanned.

"Where would you like me to begin?"

He did not answer.

"I see. From the beginning it is. Shall we have a seat?"

They sat down on opposite ends of a sofa facing each other. Sophie was impressed at the comfort of the piece and commented, "Is this leather?"

"Dragon hide."

"Lovely." He did not respond. 'All right,' Sophie thought, 'here goes nothing.'

"It was about a year after Alice and Frank entered the asylum. I had taken a leave from touring to help with Neville. There were no improvements; in fact, things looked very bleak. There was nothing that could be done to help them. No charm, no potion, no spell could bring them back. I think even Dumbledore was called in……It was becoming apparent that the wizarding world could not help them. I was convinced that there had to be a way to bring them back and that I would find it. I went to my parents and told them I was quitting touring permanently to return to school to continue on the degree in psychology I abandoned.

"At this point my parents were aware of what Alice was and what had happened to her. My mother insisted that Alice would not want me to give up my calling to help in a matter I had no ability in. Needless to say, we had an enormous row and I stormed out. After a few hour my parents went looking for me……….It was raining very hard that night. A cold, bone drenching, relentless rain. They never saw the truck that hit them. They were instantly killed when the other driver lost control and rammed into their car. I returned home the next morning to find policemen looking for me………I had to identify the bodies."

She paused for a few minutes before she could continue. Severus conjured some water for her. He thanked him as she took a long sip.

"When I found out what had happened, I fell apart……..I knew I had killed them. It was my fault they went out at all. My mother hated driving in the rain." Her voice cracked "I never could control my emotions, and rather than have a civilized discussion, I had a tantrum and stormed out. They followed out of concern and were killed while I wandered the streets all night feeling sorry for myself." Tears freely coursed down her face as she made no effort to dry them. "The next few days were a blur. I vaguely remember a funeral and being alone in that big house. Ghosts of my past were everywhere, and the only person in the world I felt I could go to was sitting in a padded room with her arms restrained for her own safety."

She ran a hand through her hair as she contemplated what she was going to say. Severus sat unmoving, his face betraying nothing as he listened. "I don't think I ever felt more alone in my life. I got the idea that I could vanish from the world and no one would care…….Then, it hit me……I was alone, I could vanish. Who would look for me? It was not just a feeling of being isolated, it was a fact. I had no family and my best friends were gone. Suddenly life was a burden that I wanted desperately to be alleviated from." She stopped again to take another drink. She was now facing the wall, unable to look at Severus in the eyes.

"I found myself walking around aimlessly. It was easier than rambling around an empty house. Before I knew it I found myself on a bridge overlooking a wide stream. I stood looking over the side, thinking how wonderful it would be to let the water claim me and save me from this dismal life. I don't remember how long I was there; it seemed like hours……..And then I heard a voice say something like, ' It seems a bit cold out for a swim, don't you think?' I looked up and there was a man. I took one look in his eyes and I knew he was there for the same reason I was. We stood staring at each other for some time. I don't think I spoke at all that first night, I just nodded and walked away. The next night I went back and he was there again. I did not go over to him I just watched him from a bench several yards away. This went on for some weeks. I always found him there just looking over the side at he water, waiting for it to speak. Finally, I got the courage up to walk over to him. He actually spoke first."

"I was wondering when you would finally talk to me."

"You knew I was here."

"I wait for you every night."

"You never say anything to me. Why?"

"I reckoned you had something to say and would say it when you were ready."

"I came to make sure you would not jump."

"I never planned on jumping. I just like to stand here and examining the small bit of control I have over my life."

"You have control because you can jump off a bridge?"

"I have control because I keep myself from jumping off a bridge."

"As silly as it sounded I understood what he meant. I understood him completely. I invited him over for tea and we ended up talking until dawn." She turned to Severus. "You see w,, we were in the same place back then. My family was dead, and I blamed myself. My friends were incapacitated. He thought that three of his best friends were dead and that his other friend was responsible. He had no family either and couldn't see Harry. We were both alone in the world and we clung to each other." Severus still did not respond so she continued.

"He was a drifter, he had no home to speak of. I had an enormous house and numerous resources. It seemed as if we were fated to meet, destined to help each other. When I found out he was a wizard, it seemed to confirm that notion. I had wizard pictures of Alice and Neville and he found them. He was overjoyed until I explained I was a Muggle. I on the other hand was thrilled to find that he was a wizard and quite an accomplished one. He would become invaluable to me in my studies. I had taken on a double workload in order to finish my doctorate as quickly as possible. While I learned all I could from the University he helped me relate it to wizard's terms. He helped me see that what I was learning applied to all persons be they Muggle or wizard or otherwise. I helped him during his transformations. My family had an underground storage facility that was concrete and very secure. Before each full moon I would help him into the restraints, and the next day I would release him and help him recover. We lived that way for three years while I finished my education. He helped me when I started treating Alice and Frank. He became my assistant. We would spend mornings with them and afternoons doing research. Many of the early papers I published had his name in the credits."

Sophie waiting for Severus to respond. He had not said a word in a long time. She would not offer the rest of the tale unless he asked. She held out the tiniest bit of hope they he would not ask for more information. No such luck.

"So you had a close friendship and a working relationship?"

"Yes."

"Were you lovers?"

Sophie had always preached honesty. She always felt that the truth was the only way to live your life because lies only begot lies. For the first time in a long time she wished she wasn't so damn moral.

"Yes, we were."

He did not react. Sophie waiting for something, anything that would tell her what he was thinking at that time. She knew that at this juncture she might as well tell him everything.

"Not right away, of course. It was actually over a year before we became intimate." Still no reaction. "I told you I had lovers before you, Severus. I did not withhold that part of my past."

Sophie's heart dropped as she saw the expression on his face. So much for controlling his emotions.