Chapter 26 - Eruption

"You did not withhold information!?!"

Sophie wondered how he managed to speak so loudly while his jaw hardly moved. "You withheld the most important piece of information…….You knew of my…relationship to that bunch of criminals. You asked me about it quite early on, so you were more than aware there was a history, and a violent one at that. You knew there was a lifetime of hostility and hatred. You also know that I am not one to forget my past so easily and your trepidation here makes it devastatingly apparent you were aware of how this little bit of news was going to affect me. I find this so very rich coming from one who has the gall to preach honesty and openness, all of which makes you a hypocrite as well as a liar," he roared.

"May I speak?" she said softly.

"Please do. I am fascinated as to how you plan to explain this."

"First of all, yes, I did ask you about your relationship to Harry's father and his friends very early on. You said to me and I quote, 'Dunderheads and sycophants, mindless and cruel. We hardly knew each other but we hated each other nonetheless. I did not feel they earned their popularity and they did not feel I was worthy of the reputation that I had. There is really not much more to tell as on that story.' I admit I had ulterior motives for asking that question, but it had little to do with our relationship and more so with your relationship to Harry. I had only thought about it again after we had gotten together, and at that point the whole thing sounded to me like a normal adolescent rivalry. I did not assume that you would still be holding a grudge after twenty years over childhood nonsense. To be honest I never thought I would see Remus again, so I felt it was really a non-issue. And while we are on the subject of my hypocrisy, why is it that you constantly degrade my profession dredge up my past. Or does that only apply to circumstances that do not affect you," she said angrily.

"The enmity between that mob and myself is not history. I live it every day," he hissed. "And, as Dumbledore sees fit to constantly bring them back here, I am forced to deal with it on recurring basis whether I choose to or not…. And by the way the childhood nonsense you discussed is seven years of being tormented for being different. Seven years of being mocked for being ambitious, of being dubbed the school freak because I had abilities they could not comprehend. They made me the school outcast to everyone not in my house, and even they admired this gang for their Quidditch abilities. And if may continue, let us not forget that they also decided it would be funny to almost kill me by using me as werewolf fodder. You must excuse me for holding a grudge against a group that would find enjoyment at my being mauled and mangled."

"If you hate them so much, if they caused you so much pain, why did you stick up for Black just now?"

"That has nothing to do with this conversation…....unless of course you gave him a go as well."

She had had enough. Walking over to him, she slapped his face with all her might. "How dare you?" She hissed. He had never heard such venom her voice. "What gives you the right to stand there and talk to me like this? Who are you to judge personal history? I have answered your questions. If you refuse to answer mine, then this discussion is over." She made to leave but was stopped by his hand on her arm.

Barely breathing, he asked, "Do you love me?"

As if in pain she answered, "With every fiber of my being……..Would I allow you to badger me if your feelings did not matter to me?"

"Then I ask that you do not renew a relationship with Remus."

"I can't do that."

"So much for my feelings mattering to you." He dropped her arm and walked away.

"Severus, please, you must understand. Remus and I have a history. He is an important part of my life. Without him I would not be the person I am today. Without him I might not be at all. You are asking me to deny a part of myself. I cannot do that."

"You said you thought you'd never see him again," he said to the wall.

"I didn't." She swallowed before going on. "He did not leave on the best of terms. I thought he had walked away forever. Finding him again is like getting a piece of my life back, and I am not sure I can let it go again."

"He left you." Severus was stunned.

Her eyes softened. "It is a very complicated story, Severus."

"Enlighten me." He was rigid.

"I don't think you are prepared to hear the rest of it."

His rage was apparent. "We have already surmised that you are not necessarily the best judge of my reactions. Do not flatter yourself by thinking you can predict my feelings here. Put your professional vanity aside and allow me to be the one who makes that decision as to what I am ready to hear or not to hear."

"I will not talk to you while you are in the middle of a tantrum." She turned to walk out the door. He blocked her way.

"Tell me where you are going," he demanded.

"It is none of your business," her tone was formal.

"You are going to see him, aren't you?"

Sophie took a deep breath. "Let me pass, Severus. You are in no condition to continue this conversation."

He was livid. "Do not profess to know what condition I am in. What was there between you that you can not separate yourself from him?"

Looking into his eyes, all the life gone from hers, she said, "A child, Severus. There was a child."

____________________________________________________________________

They stood face to face for several minutes in silence as Sophie's words echoed about them.

"I did not know you had a child."

She was now pale, having difficulty in speaking, "I didn't….I miscarried." He did not respond. As the emotions filled her she could do nothing but allow them to spill. Whether she felt he could handle the news or not, he was going to hear it.

"When I found out I was pregnant, it was like I was getting another chance at life…… Suddenly all the ugliness in the world vanished and instead there was joy and hope. I felt this is why Remus came into my life, to give me this gift." She was staring through Severus. "We were so happy; preparing the baby's room, picking out cribs. We were sitting in the living room debating names, when I started having pains. We went to bed figuring I had just overexerted myself. I woke up and found I was bleeding. We called an ambulance and we were rushed to the hospital. But there was nothing that could be done. I lost the baby."

Sophie turned to sit as she was finding herself exceedingly nauseous. Severus did not move from where he was standing. Sophie found comfort in the fact that he was unnerved. Serves him right, she thought.

She went on. "He thought I was somewhat withdrawn before that. He was always telling me to open up and that I was always in another place. Afterward, I was completely detached. I threw myself into my work and distanced myself from anything personal. I was rarely home, and when I was, I buried myself in research. I denied the fact that Remus was hurting, too. I completely disregarded his feelings while he did all he could to see to my needs. Eventually the emotional wasteland that we were living in got to be too much for him. He told me he felt his presence did nothing more than remind me of the life I almost had, of what I lost. When I could not contradict him, he took it as his cue to leave."

"He abandoned you."

"I abandoned him long before he left." She finally turned to him. She could not read the expression on his face.

"And after all that, you still want him in your life."

"You just don't understand. I never wanted him out of my life. But even I came to realize he deserved better than what I was giving him. I came to realize we were meant to be friends and trying to make it more put too much of a strain on our relationship. It was a destination we would have reached in due course, but unfortunately we were not in control of the route taken to get there."

There was another long silence.

"Severus, say something."

And suddenly he looked broken as he spoke, "What do you want me to say? I understand your feelings on this but I need you to understand mine. I lived a lifetime putting my feelings aside, living in darkness, and I was content. Allowing you into my heart was not a decision I came to easily. Finding your life so deeply entwined with someone who I have spent two decades thinking of as my enemy puts me at conflict with myself. Asking me to accept it is asking me to deny who I am, and I cannot do that any more than you can."

"Severus, even if I promise to never speak to Remus again, it is not going to change history. I cannot go back in time and erase him from my life. If you can not accept it now, you will never be able to."

"Then I guess there is nothing more to say."

"I guess not."

"Goodbye, then."

"Goodbye."

Without turning back, she walked out the door.