Addendum 7/13 - I got some words of criticism about the flow of the conversation in this chapter. I re-read it and had to agree. It needed work. I was so caught up in making sure certain things were said, I lost sight of how it was said. I changed some of the conversation and added background. I know the stiffness is still there, but I need them to say certain things to each other. I hope this is better.
My fic is now officially AU. I am only changing one thing. In OoP, we learn Neville's mother's name is Alice. I called her Anna. At some point I will go through this story and change it, but for now please bear with me.
I thank everyone who sent words of encouragement and praise. I am really touched by your reviews.
Warning: The account in this chapter deals with a late term miscarriage. For those unfamiliar with it, it is quite an agonizing process. I dedicate this to my brother, whose personal experience I share with you through this fiction. Those who might have difficulty with this should be advised.
Special thanks to Diana for helping me work out the major story problems with this chapter.
Thanks,
Lydia
The Treacle Tart
Chapter 29 – The Greatest of These…
Poppy Pomfrey looked around her crowded infirmary and sighed. 'Don't they understand that thatthta t I need to keep this area sterile,' she thought irritably as she attempted to clear them out - again.
"There's nothing you could do here. They need time, and your sitting around watching them will not make the process any faster." They ignored her - again. Under normal circumstances she would have happily pulled them out by their ears, but her heart went out to the two men who kept vigil. Hour after hour, they stared down at the comatose woman before them, not daring to look at one another.
Madame Pomfrey walked around to her other patient. He was conscious but mute. He stared at the ceiling seeming completely unaware of the world around him. He refused to talk; he refused to do anything but blink at the ceiling. The mediwitch stroked his hand as she spoke tenderly. "Draco, dear, how would like to order something special from the kitchens? Those house elves are just itching to make you a treat for bringing the good doctor home. Anything you want child, just mention it." He didn't move. He did not acknowledge her presence - again. This had been her routine for the past six days. She shook her head and wondered when she lost control.
"Fine, then." She gave one last look around at the occupants of the room and walked back to her desk. She had medicines to prepare and she knew the slightest change in the condition of either of her patients and one of those two, if not both, would contact her.
Severus Snape could not take his eyes off the empty shell that was once Sophie. How could this be all that was left of one who was so full of life? If he did not feel guilty enough before, this was enough to push him beyond redemption. She was severely wounded. He remembered Poppy's face as she told him Sophie had injuries over most of her body, over all of her body. She wouldn't go into the severity or the nature of certain injuries and he couldn't bring himself to ask. Outwardly her bruises were healed, but they could only speculate as to what was going on inside. Mercifully, she seemed to be sleeping through the suffering that visibly showed on her otherwise peaceful face.
A voice that seemed miles away was talking to him, calling him, "Why?"
"Why what?" was his response to the man who had been his shadow since they entered the infirmary. It was the first words they had spoken to each other since Draco brought Sophie back from wherever they were.
"Why doesn't she wake up?"
It was odd hearing something in the room other than the soft sound of Sophie's breathing. Comforting somehow. And, for reasons even he couldn't understand, he felt compelled to answer. "Whatever happened to her was savage. Because she is a Muggle, Madame Pomfrey's help is limited."
Remus looked grateful for an answer, though not for the words that answer contained. "What does the fact that she is a Muggle have to do with anything?"
As if addressing to his class, he spoke slowly and plainly. "Wizarding cures work because the mediwitch stimulates the magic within us. Within each of our cells, magic is present. She activates that magic with incantations, charms or potions and the healing takes place from the inside. It is our own magic that re-grows our bones and replenishes our blood particular to our own specific structure. Personal magic, and personal cures. Sophie doesn't possess that. Poppy can heal the wounds per se, but she cannot remove the trauma that Sophie experienced. All we can do is wait for a sign that she knows we are here…..and that she may wake up."
Though containing that edge of superiority he always possessed when he spoke, there was also a solemnity in Snape's voice the Remus was not used to hearing. "So she may never wake up?" he asked.
"Some Muggles remain in comas for years." At this, Remus Lupin's shoulders fell, but he made no move to leave from his spot. He continued to stare down at the ashen face that was his past.
The two continued their silent guard on the woman they both loved. This is the notion that permeated Snape's thoughts for the next few hours. 'The woman they both loved.' As much as he wanted to think of something else, anything else, he could not. He finally spoke: "Are you still in love with her?"
Lupin's head jerked up. Severus was not one for subtlety was he. Remus was left unsure of what to answer the question, he wasn't sure was even asked. But this conversation was going to happen one way or the other and it was time to clear the air. "I never stopped loving her," he said frankly.
"An odd statement coming from the one who ended the relationship."
There was a bit of hope in his voice, and Remus was left wondering what he was really trying to say. "Did she tell you why I left?" he asked.
Snape hesitated. It went against his nature to speak at length about anything personal. It went against all he held real to be speaking to Remus Lupin, at all. But then again his reality was altered the minute he met this odd creature sleeping a dreamless sleep in front of him. Did it matter now? What else was left for him to hide from? "She told me of the miscarriage and her actions afterward."
Lupin raised an eyebrow and said with a bit of incredibility," She…she told you about the miscarriage?"
"Yes."
Lupin sat in quiet contemplation for a few minutes before speaking again. He looked around the room earnestly, as if some piece of furniture or a portrait on the wall could explain to him what he had just heard. His mind suddenly was fluctuating rapidly between his past and his present…and it made no sense.
"She told you about the miscarriage." He repeated. "What…Did she tell you a lot… about us?"
He hesitated again. Unnatural, was all he could bring himself to think. Sophie's sleep, this conversation, his life – all of it unnatural. "Only after your appearance," He finally answered. Until you came to Hogwarts she never mentioned a thing." The bitterness was evident.
"Really? What..What else did she tell you?"
His head snapped up, and for the first time in days, he was looking Remus Lupin in the face. "What concern is it of yours?"
Remus sighed, now this was the Severus Snape he knew. "Severus," he began. "I have been watching you here as much as I have been watching Sophie. There is no doubt that you love her and knowing you as I do, I know the depths of a love that would have you tolerate my presence here for so long. I am not here to hurt either of you, but I think you and I need to talk about this." His words were almost pleading. "I promise I did not come here to win her back," he added as an afterthought.
Severus merely closed his eyes. He felt foolish and hated that Remus Lupin was the one speaking sensibly. "I apologize," he said stiffly. "It has been a long time since I've…cared for someone in this capacity. These emotions have been inactive for so long they appear foreign to me now."
Now that Remus understood. "You're only human, " he said. After a long pause. he finally added, "Though I would have a hard time making the student body believe so."
Severus looked at Remus suspiciously. "Are you…teasing me?"
He smiled. "You and I could be friends, you know. It is not out of the realm of possibility."
"Friends? Perhaps you are suffering from some long-term damage from your Lycanthropy. I believe you are delusional."
"Am I? It would seem to me that we have a lot in common," Remus began. "We are two misunderstood people with a very select group of friends, a very select group that we allow in to our personal space. We have a capacity for acute emotions but keep them in check. We both have a past that influences our present and our future. We both deal with demons on a daily basis, though mine are physical while yours are more psychological. We both want to see the destruction of Voldemort, though our reasons are different. And most of all, we both love Sophie and are loved by her. That last one ought to be enough."
Severus sat in silence for a moment before responding. Too much introspection was never a good thing, he thought. Once you start thinking, you start looking for an outlet to share those thoughts. And, subsequently, you might one day find yourself sitting in a room with a man you've hated most your life, speaking your mind "It took all I had to allow Sophie into my life. To be completely honest, I am not sure I have much left in me. Seeing Draco drag her unconscious body…hearing the extent of her injuries…wondering what happened to her these last weeks, has eaten away at the fiber of my being. It has all left me empty and…beyond anything I thought I still had the capacity to feel."
Remus watched Snape. In their school days, Snape was famous for his aloof demeanor and controlled disposition, for his immunity the pains most young people struggled with. Remus marveled again at the intensity of the devotion he must have for Sophie to make him so open now. She always did have ability though, didn't she? To make people …more than they ever were. "We both want the same thing, Severus. We want her better and telling us how wrong we are about everything and over analyzing everyone…but herself." He gave a small smile. "There must be more to it; her being taken away from us, and being brought back. The fact that I have been sitting here for days without any scathing or scorning remarks from you, tells me that we can get beyond our past and help each other…and help her."
And now, the thought that settled itself in his mind the second he realized Sophie and the werewolf were more than passing acquaintances, resurfaced. "Why did you come back?" He had to know for sure.
It would always come down to his wouldn't it, Severus? "I was needed," he answered simply. "It's been a long time since I felt I could actually help someone…And I won't lie to you, I also wanted to see her again. Though not because of the reasons you might think. I really just wanted to make sure she was all right. I knew her work with the Longbottoms wasn't working out. I knew how that affected her and I knew how she would react to it. Badly, of course. I guess I needed to see that she was able to move on. In case you were wondering, Dumbledore told me of your relationship before I came. How he knows so much is a mystery, but I am grateful because it allowed me time to think over what my priorities were and where she would fit in my life now. I knew then, as I know now, that only Sophie can decide where her heart belongs and it never really belonged to me."
Severus believed him if for no other reason than he needed to believe something. So if Remus Lupin was not the enemy, what was he, because he certainly wasn't a friend. 'What he was, was compassionate,' Severus acknowledged silently. Remus asked a question not long ago, and though not a friend, he deserved an answer. And Severus would answer it, because as much as he hated to admit it, he was compassionate as well. "Sophie told me of how you met, on the bridge. She told me that you lived together and were lovers, that you helped her with her studies and her work with the Longbottoms. She told me she became pregnant and lost the child and that shortly thereafter, you left. She took responsibly for the parting saying that she…was unable to deal with the circumstances of her life."
"So you already knew about Alice and Neville?"
"We talked extensively about our pasts." He confessed.
Remus Lupin was astonished. "Forgive my asking, Severus, but you have to understand in the matter of a few short months, Sophie has shared more with you than she did with me in years. It was the thing that drove the wedge between us. She seemed to have an inability to trust. The fact that she disclosed so much to you is a testament to her feelings for you. I hope you see that."
As if he did not hear the last part of his statement, Severus asked, "Why did you leave, really?"
Remus thought for a moment and damned himself for asking so many questions. It only made sense that Severus would have his own. He moved to the window and sat on the sill; without looking at Severus, he began, "Do you know how a Muggle miscarries?" He did not wait for a response. "Wizards don't need to open up the human body to examine it. We don't need to expose the heart in order to repair it. When a witch loses a child it is a matter of charms and incantations to remover the fetus and begin reviving the body. For a Muggle it is a much more painful…more visceral experience."
He paused as a shudder ran through his body. Though in his heart everyday, he had not thought about the specifics in years. "She was in her seventh month of pregnancy. She woke me, telling me something was wrong. She was… sitting in a pool of blood. I don't think I was ever so frightened in my life. We took her to the nearest Muggle hospital. All they could do was tell us that Sophie's body was rejecting baby and that he was going to lose it. The problem was that it was late in the pregnancy. Her body had already started a sort of pre- labor and the only way to expel the baby was to deliver it."
'Honesty was not all it was cracked up to be,' he thought sorrowfully. He closed his eyes completely shutting out the world as he spoke. "Hours of blood, Severus. Hours of tears and agony to deliver a child who would never breathe… whose eyes you would never see…whose voice you would never hear call your name. Hours of asking the gods why did they punish you this way. Hours of thinking of all the memories you would never have…of the life you would never have." He opened his eyes, but still would not turn to Severus.
"The baby was a girl. I held her in my hands for an eternity and wept; for myself more than for her, I suppose. I desperately wanted to tell her of the plans we had made for her. I wanted to tell her that the mere anticipation of her existence gave me some of the happiest times of my life, and even if I would never have them to experience, I had the hope of her and that would always be a part of me." With a heavy sigh, he turned to face Severus. "I died that day, I think.
"I did all I could to comfort Sophie. I knew her anguish was equal to mine, if not more. But I felt guilty. You see, werewolves can't breed. Miscarriages usually happen right away. Since we were so far along, we thought everything was going to be fine. Obviously, we were wrong. I felt responsible for the loss and I think she did as well. I tried to work through it, to save our relationship; but Sophie dealt with it by retreating into herself, snapping the thread that was holding us together. In the end, I knew I was just a reminder of the pain…of the loss. So I left. I needed her to help me heal, she needed time and space. She could not help me, so in the end I knew that only way to help both of us was to leave."
His mouth was dry and he looked for something to drink. Without a word, Severus conjured some water for them both. Without a word, they drank. After some time Severus whispered, "I'm sorry."
Remus smiled. "Thank you," he said sadly.
"I can see how an experience like that could bond two people together," he admitted. "I asked her to not see you, and she refused. I assumed she wanted to rekindle your relationship…that she was choosing you over me. She told me that wasn't the case, and I didn't believe her."
"Don't be too hard on yourself, old man." Lupin said softly. You had no way of knowing."
"I could have handled things better. I was blinded by my feelings for her and my hate for you. I didn't understand the depths of your relationship, nor did I try to."
"She is a special part of my life Severus. I always felt knowing her is a privilege; but loving her was my honor."
Severus simply nodded in agreement. "I admire your resolve…I don't know if I would have had the fortitude to leave and move on. I can't get myself to leave her bedside now."
Remus took a deep breath and nodded. They were so much more alike than either would admit. "You call it fortitude. Some called it cowardice. Some might call even it selfishness. Part of was looking for something I didn't have. I had this sense of I wanted….what I needed, and it wasn't what I had." He paused to sit back next to Severus.
"Do you ever read Muggle literature, Severus. I used to read everything I could get my hands on when I was living among them. I was immersed in Muggle writings, especially religion. I found it fascinating, the way they explained the world through faith and idealisms, without ever attributing anything to magic. After the loss of Emily..." He paused and took a deep breath, and looking at Severus, he said, "Sorry…I named her Emily. I thought…I thought she deserved to have a name."
Severus only nodded.
He took a deep breath before he continued. "After the loss of Emily, I needed comfort so I picked up a copy of the Christian Bible and came across this." He handed Severus a tattered scrap of paper with some handwritten lines. He read, "…If I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to move mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give away all I have and if deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing….Love bears all things, endures all things, believes all things….Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
"You see, Severus, I came to realize that though I felt this way she would never feel the same about me. Maybe she was just not ready to return these feeling then. Maybe she needed something I could not give her. The point is I felt that we needed to be able to find this, if not within each other, then with someone else. As foolishly idealistic as that might sound, I felt we both deserved as much. Trying to make something out of what wasn't there was not helping either of us. She would not break it, so I had to. I guess you could say I loved her enough to let her go. In doing so she found you so I reckon she found what it was that she needed and maybe I did do the right the thing."
Severus suddenly realized he was feeling something for this man that he felt for few others…respect. "Friendship is a highly over rated concept I think," he began, "Perhaps simple civility might serve us better."
"Perhaps," he said with a smile.
Someone looking at them might have seen a faint reminder of two young boys in those smiles, the traces of another place, of a long history, of innocence. Perhaps it was the hope of innocence regained that that caused him to speak; perhaps the glimmer of a life of love and friendship, of faith and hope, of the promise of peace, that finally reached him in a place where nothing else could.
Whatever it was, he spoke in a coarse voice full of sorrow, "I think it's my turn to tell a story."
Severus Snape and Remus Lupin turned to the tear-stained face of Draco Malfoy.
