Chapter 36 – The Battles Within
Like everyone else in the room, Albus Dumbledore found himself contemplating the significance of her words. 'Words,' he thought sullenly, 'a simple connection of letters with meanings that empower, embitter and terrify.' He watched as she paled slowly throughout her account. Despite the stirring words she just spoke, she was still very weak from her ordeal and needed to rest. A lot was going to be asked of her in the coming weeks and she would need all her strength.
"All right everyone," he began, "Dr. Young has given us a lot to think about. We will regroup in one week's time to go over this plan again and to discuss preparations for its execution. Everyone will leave to give her time to recover -- that includes you two as well." He motioned to Remus Lupin and Severus Snape.
Sophie found herself flustered amid a chorus of "Get some rest," and "We'll see you soon," before the group left her bedside. Ron Weasley lingered for a moment while Neville was getting a warm hug and a few words of assurance from Sophie -- not to mention a promise for a long overdue breakfast. As he left, Ron went over to Sophie and stood silently at the bedside, his hands fidgeting at his sides. He wanted to give her a hug or something, but it felt incredibly intimate and he didn't want to overstep his bounds. Sensing his reluctance, Sophie reached up and embraced him.
"I thought I said you were allowed to show all your emotions, not just your temper," she teased. He laughed at her reprimand. Leaning in so no one would hear, he whispered something into her ear. She shot a quick look over to Draco, who was warily staring at the floor. She smiled at Ron and nodded. He returned the smile and left to put a plan of his own into action.
As the room emptied Remus walked over. "Are we ever going to have that talk?" he said with a crooked smile. Sophie loved that smile, one that always had such a calming effect on her. Even now in the middle of all this, Remus could still make her feel like everything was going to be fine by just being there.
"Yes," she finally replied. "We will. Just not yet." He gave her a quick kiss on her forehead and went to leave but was stopped by Sophie's hand on his.
"Remus." His skin was so warm. She had forgotten how warm he was. "Remus…Thank you…for everything. For giving me time and space and for coming back. I don't think you can know what that means to me." She lowered her voice and continued, "And thanks for whatever you did to Severus." He gave a small laugh and headed out the door.
Sophie and Severus looked at each other, their recent conversation replaying in their heads. Ignoring their silent exchange, Dumbledore walked over to Sophie and took her hand in his. "Do not hesitate to call, my dear, should you need anything, and please use this respite well. There is much to be done when you are ready."
She stared at his eyes, no hint of a shine in them, and suddenly found herself very tired. As Dumbledore made to leave he walked over to Severus. "I will be waiting for you in the corridor to take you back to your quarters. You will get some rest and you will begin the preparations for your assignment." His tone was that of a command, not a request. Snape's only recourse was to comply.
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In the silence that followed the Headmaster's departure, Severus studied Sophie. He was trying to pinpoint the moment he fell in love with her. Was it at first sight? In retrospect that was probably lust. His life was being torn into pieces around him and he needed to cling to something…or someone. Was it during their encounter in the Forbidden Forrest or the now infamous snowball fight?
He had always thought it was during their "sessions" where they shared their histories. Whenever he had thought it was, he was now convinced he was wrong. It was now, at this very moment, that he knew for certain he was in love with her. In love in a way he had never been before in his life, ever. In her arrogant, foolishly impetuous way, she let him know exactly what it was that she was made of. Lupin's words came back to him, 'Knowing her is a privilege; loving her, an honor.'
"Are you angry with me?"
Her words woke him from his reverie. "I should be," he responded sounding almost hurt. "Why didn't you tell me before? A little warning would have been nice."
"Because I knew you would try to talk me out of it," she answered truthfully. "Truth be told, I didn't have all the factors in place and I was afraid you' be successful. I never meant to exclude you, but I needed to tell everyone in order to gain support…I'm sorry. It wouldn't be the first time I have been called manipulative."
He remained silent while she continued. "It has to be done, Severus. We would be saving untold numbers of lives." Still, he said nothing.
"Severus…Please….I don't think I can….." A finger on her lips prohibited her speech.
"I love you, you unreasonable, insane fool. Finding a way to save the world with as few lives lost as possible, is a preposterous idealism that can come from none other than you."
Her shoulders dropped and her eyes closed in relief.
He smiled softly as he traced a finger across her chin. "Are you ever going to tell me what happened to you?"
"Where have you been for the last two hours?" she asked with a bit of a laugh.
"I don't mean the antiseptic version you tried to pawn off as the truth."
She narrowed her eyes slightly. "I think you know what happened to me. I think it is safe to say you have probably witnessed worse. I am still alive, and relatively unharmed. There is so much to-"
"Who-"
She stopped him. "I don't think we should do this."
"I need to know," he replied softly.
"Why? So you could fly off into a jealous rage? Severus, I need you focused. I need you clear headed. I need you vigilant, not vengeful."
His eyes, already black as night, suddenly grew darker. "You are asking me to alter a potion for you to use in your suicide. I will be accompanying you on this mission so my life is also in the balance. We will bring a hundred others into this battle, all on the word of a servant girl who could have been nothing more than a plant. I am clear headed about my role in all of this. I do plan to focus my wrath at the people who harmed you. My vigilance will be vengeful, you cannot control that. All I want to know is who. I want to concentrate my hatred and anger on those who harmed you. I can't make you understand why I do, but I do."
Eyes as black as night now on fire.
She caught a glimpse of what must have made him a valuable Death Eater, a glimpse at why he was respected…feared. Despite the anger and hatred that came with his words she knew his need for revenge was born of his love for her and the helplessness that it brought out in him. Helpless to control his feelings, helpless to save her, helpless to stop what was coming. Being vulnerable wasn't something he was good at, and in the end, keeping secrets from him was something she wasn't good.
"Malfoy," she stated. "It was just him, though the others were not completely innocent...he was...it was him."
He slowly nodded and seemed calmer and Sophie was not sure it was an improvement. When he saw her tense up, he quietly brought his hand to her face.
"Thank you for trusting me." He leaned down and placed a delicate kiss on her lips. "Rest now. I'll be back in the morning." She simply nodded back, too tired to say another word. He stayed until she was asleep and left to find Dumbledore, who, true to his word, was waiting for him in the corridor.
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Sophie awoke several hours later to a pair of bright green eyes staring down at her. She could see they held anger, but perhaps even more, dismay. For a second she was tempted go back to sleep, but those eyes beckoned. He was ready for battle. She had been trying to get him to talk for months, this might be her only chance.
"Hello Harry. I wondered when you were going to come and see me."
"Who do you think you are and what do you think you're doing?" he demanded with resentment and spite.
"I think I am a tired woman who is trying to sleep, but somehow I gather that is not the response you are looking for."
"This is not your fight."
"And it's yours, I suppose.'
"Of course it's mine."
"How do you figure?"
"Where have you been for the last five years?" He was incensed, his words fierce, his eyes glowing.
'He could give Severus a run for his money,' Sophie thought.
"Where were you all those years he was chasing me around trying to kill me, using others to get to me?" Harry continued. "I have been the one who held him off for so long. I am the one who banished him years ago and I am the one who is responsible for bringing him back. Peoples have been dying in my name since before I can remember and I've had enough."
Sophie tried to interject, but he was unyielding.
"Even now, as he makes plans to capture me yet again, you come along and tell me you are going to use my likeness to confront him while I sit back and watch my clone fight my fight for me."
As he spoke his voice rose in incredulity, in outrage. "I get to sit here and wait for news of whether you are dead or alive? I get to watch as hundreds of Aurors get called into a battle started to prevent me from getting harmed-"
"Oh, will you shut up already!" Sophie was fed up. Who does he think he is? "Who do you think you are?"
Harry sat blinking, his mouth agape.
Sophie spoke in a voice filled with as much outrage as his: "Where were you for the ten years Voldemort was slaughtering innocent children, massacring whole villages, brutalizing Muggles simply because they were easy targets? Where were you when his followers tortured for pleasure? Where were you when they burned homes with the residents still inside? Where were you when they made widows and orphans and reveled in the sheer number of the lives they could destroy? Oh, that's right, you weren't born yet. How dare you sit there and tell me this is your battle. I have spent the last two decades watching friends suffer, watching them die and not being able to help. I have spent the last decade trying to get Death Eaters convicted for the most heinous of crimes. Trying to save the beleaguered minds of their victims, trying to help their loved ones find peace and perhaps help them get on with their lives. You lived most of your life oblivious to the truth. You got to live in the luxury of ignorance.
"I'm sorry you lost your parents to this maniac. But guess what? You are one amongst thousands to have suffered. I am sorry that you have been singled out for things over which you have no control, but the entire world is without control as we await his next move. So excuse the hell out of me for wanting to end this while I can. Excuse the hell out of me for seizing on an opportunity that could save lives. Perhaps you should try to think of a way you could be helpful in all of this instead of complaining about not being in the spotlight."
He flew in to a rage. "Is that what you think? That I want to be in the spotlight? I did not ask to lose my parents and live with people who delighted in my misery. I did not ask for this scar on my forehead that mocks me daily. I did not ask for my godfather to be convicted of a crime he did not commit and then made to suffer for twelve years. I did not ask to fight Voldemort my first year here. I did not ask for him to petrify my friends and kidnap Ginny in my second. I did not ask for him to kill Cedric last year. I did not give him my blood for his resurrection, he took it from me as he took everything else. He seeks me out. I don't want any of it but we are connected in some sick and twisted way and I can't help that. I have to fight him. It is the only way it will end. It is destiny. It is my destiny and you know that."
She paused once again reminded how little there was left of a little boy in Harry Potter. "Harry," she began in a gentle tone, "I do know is that we have a chance to stop it. We have a plan and it's a good one. It does involve you. Perhaps not in the way that you thought, but it does. It centers on you, actually. You need to pull back and allow others in, Harry. You need to let others help you. You need to let your friends and family in. You need to realize that your battle is our battle. It is what I tried to tell you so many months ago in my office, what I tried to make you understand. The fight is yours, Harry. It is just not the fight you thought it would be."
Harry stared at her, an unrelenting fury in his eyes. Outside the infirmary window they could hear the sounds of students talking and laughing. Harry slowly turned to look out into the courtyard where a small group had gathered and watched their faces, faces that had no idea what was happening on the other side of the window. He seemed to come to some sort of decision, and without another word, left the room.
Sophie wished she had the strength to cry.
