"I can't, Hoss - I'm sorry. I honestly thought I could when I said it - I meant to - but I can't. I know it doesn't make sense, but I feel as though if I leave him, I'll come back to find the room the way it was yesterday - empty. I - I can't take the chance."

Hoss shifted in the doorway, trying to hide his disappointment. "You look tired out, Pa."

"I am." Ben stretched his back and shifted to find a more comfortable position. "But leaving won't make it better - it will only make it worse. You can stay if you want, of course."

Hoss's face lightened perceptibly. He edged his bulk noiselessly into the room. "How's he doin'?"

Ben shrugged. "I can't tell. The smallest thing seems to…sometimes I think he's better. Then I think I just imagined it."

Hoss found a chair he liked and sat himself in it. "Somethin' I kin do?"

"You could read for a while, if you like. My voice is getting tired."

Hoss made a face when he saw the selected book, but took it anyway, eyeing the page it was open to. "He ain't shiverin' no more," he observed.

"Comes and goes." Ben poured himself a glass of water, thought of something. "If he needs water, use the rag. He won't drink from a glass. Just turns his head away."

"I could hold 'em while you git it down 'em."

"No." Ben realized how quickly he'd spoken and reddened. "I - think - it's important - that he doesn't feel - restrained in any way. That he knows he's not…" he trailed off uncomfortably.

Hoss dropped his eyes to the bed, let them stop on the bandaged hand on the pillow. He stared at it for a moment, then tucked the blankets discreetly over it. "Yeah," he said flatly. "Yeah, I see what you mean." He fidgeted with the book, stole another peek at his brother. "Pa - "

Ben waited, then raised his brows questioningly.

Hoss flushed uncomfortably. "I jest - I guess I kin sorta unnerstand the feller who wanted the money. And even Miz 'Melia - I figger I kin sorta unnerstand her. Cain't quite forgive 'er, but - I reckon I kin unnerstand what she was after, anyway. But - " he shrugged unhappily. "What in tarnation makes a feller do somethin' like this? What's he get outta it? Fer the life of me I jest cain't figger."

Ben rubbed at a tight spot between his eyebrows. "I don't know, Hoss. Power, maybe. I guess there are some people who just need to - feel in control. Even if it's false control. I can't really pretend to understand it myself."

Hoss puckered his forehead and nodded, staring at Adam's face. "Cain't believe he's alive," he burst out finally. "Cain't believe he's alive an he's been alive all this time. Always thought to myself that I'd know if he was gone, and I did, I reckon, didn't feel he was, I mean, but - " he broke off; his chest heaving suddenly in a stifled sob. "I'm sorry, Pa."

Ben rose to his feet and hurried around the bed, resting his hands on Hoss's shoulders. This was one son he could touch anyway. He felt Hoss's shoulders quiver under his palms and kneaded them comfortingly.

"Jest feel so sorta busted up inside - kinda like he looks on the outside. Every time I think about…" The shoulders jumped and quaked wildly now and Ben tightened his grip wordlessly. After a minute Hoss seemed to get himself under some kind of control and wiped a big hand over his eyes. "Jest figgers. Hardly cried at all at the funeral. Now I know he's alive and kin hardly stop."

Ben laughed softly, the sound unexpected to his own ears. When was the last time he had done that? When was the last time anybody had laughed around here?

"Feels like I'm about half crazy."

Ben patted one broad shoulder comfortingly. "Good description. I feel that way myself. More than half, maybe. Don't know whether I'm awake or dreaming, to tell the truth."

"Ain't my idee of a dream."

Ben looked over at Adam. "No," he agreed softly.

The door opened and they both looked up. Joe stood in the doorway, his hair rumpled and his dressing gown loosely belted. "Hi," he mumbled drowsily. "My turn?"

Hoss took a final swipe at his eyes. "Hey, Shortshanks. No, not fer a couple hours yet. I jest got here."

"Oh." Joe came in anyway, slumped into the chair next to Hoss with a yawn. "Well, as long as I'm up."

"Don't look like ya are up."

"I am." Joe rested his feet against the lower bed rail. Ben started to object, stopped himself. He'd been hanging onto the bed himself - might as well take what closeness they could get. Joe had his head tilted back and was studying Adam cautiously. "How's he doin'?"

Ben bit back a sigh. The question of the hour. "He's resting, more or less. Fever's about the same. Mostly he's quiet."

"Oh." Joe yawned again, still watching Adam, his eyebrows pushed together.

"You know, there's no reason you can't go back to bed, Joseph," Ben said mildly.

Joe shook his head. "I'll stay."

"Then maybe you kin help read to 'em. Pa's readin' this."

Joe took the book in question, turned it over in his hands, but made no move to start reading. "When do you think he'll - you know - wake up?"

"Paul couldn't say. Doesn't have any idea how much of the drug he may have ingested or for how long."

"Oh." Joe craned his neck to get a better look. "I think he looks a little better. I mean than - " he slumped lower in his chair and crossed his arms over the book. "You know." He shuddered involuntarily and shimmied his chair a little closer to Hoss's. "When he - when he wakes up…what do we say to him?"

Ben lifted his brows. "Nothing special."

"We can't - we can't just pretend nothin's happened, Pa."

But that's what I want. To turn back time - erase the last few days. Go on as though nothing happened - nothing worse than an accident, anyway. He sighed through his nose. "No."

"I just - don't know what to say after all this. 'Sorry' or 'How are you' or 'I missed you'…'Thank God you're alive' seems kind of…I mean, considerin' everything…God, he really is alive, huh?" Joe's voice broke and Hoss reached over automatically to pat him on the back.

"I jest finished doin' that. If'n yer gonna start now, reckon we should get outta here and let Adam rest."

Joe sniffed. "I'm not," he said fiercely. Hoss chuckled. "I'm not!" he insisted. "I just -breathed in some smoke from that lantern." Hoss pressed his lips together and his shoulders shook again, but not with sobs this time. Joe glared at him and sank deeper in his chair, tucking his chin over the book. He sniffed again and rubbed irritably at his nose with the back of his hand, glaring defiantly at Hoss once more for good measure. The corners of Hoss's mouth turned up slightly and he slung an arm loosely around Joe's shoulders. Joe closed his eyes and slid down a little further in his chair. "Well, I'll tell you this - if he wakes up and catches us all hangin' over his bed like this, you can bet he's gonna have somethin' to say about it."

Hoss's smile broadened some, but it was gentle. "Yeah." He sighed deeply. "Yeah."

Ben held his tongue. He held no such conviction that things were guaranteed to be so normal, but it eased the tightness in his chest to see his two younger boys look more optimistic. He looked from them to his eldest, suddenly feeling a bit more optimistic himself. Gingerly, he rested his hand lightly on the quilt, just over Adam's heart, watching closely for any reaction. When there was none, he leaned against the headboard and got comfortable. When he wakes up. Well, it was a start.

That's how Hop Sing found them some hours later as thin morning light was just starting to spill into the room. He entered with a basin of warm water and a stack of linen, his eyes darting quickly from Joe, sound asleep leaning on Hoss, to Hoss, snoring softly in the chair next to him, to Ben, reading, his free hand still quiet on the covering over Adam's chest. Ben looked up as he entered and followed his eyes from one boy to the other. Their eyes locked, a smile deepening the creases around Ben's, Hop Sing's eyebrows climbing his forehead. "So?" he murmured softly, so as not to wake anyone. "So?"

Ben shifted in his chair, trying to work some of the kinks out of his back. "I didn't have the heart to wake them," he whispered.

Hop Sing nodded briskly. "Bre'fast ready now. I change Missa Adam's bandages. Must change often, docta say."

Ben nodded. "Right. I'll send them down to breakfast and give you a hand."

Hop Sing shook his head emphatically. "You go eat too. I do bandages."

Ben frowned. Even in his weakened state, his first born was a big and formidable man. "If he's going to fight you, I think you'll need my help."

Hop Sing shook his head again. "One betta. You see. You leave me with him - I do."

Ben looked dubiously from Adam to Hop Sing. "I don't think - "

Hop Sing's face tightened mulishly. "Boss see. Much betta."

Ben pressed his lips together. There was a part of him that felt as though he couldn't survive another scene of Adam's distress and suffering…he looked at Adam again, looked back at Hop Sing, sighed heavily. "All right…I'll round up these two. But if you need me, call right away. He could hurt you or hurt himself."

"Hop Sing not let him hurt self. Not let him hurt anybody."

Ben stood up carefully, pressing one hand to the small of his back. "If you say so…" He looked down at Adam once more, the lamp and the faint light of the new day creating strange shadows on his battered face. He took the cloth from the bowl, wrung it out and patted Adam's forehead and cheeks lightly with it once more. Adam shifted away from him, but not violently so. "All right," he sighed, replacing the cloth. "I'll be just downstairs…"

"Eat," suggested Hop Sing sternly.

Ben nodded listlessly, moved to where Hoss and Joe sat and squeezed Joe's arm lightly. "Joseph. It's time for breakfast." Joe muttered in his sleep and withdrew further into his chair. Ben patted Hoss's knee. "Hoss. It's morning. Hop Sing has breakfast ready."

Hoss snorted in his sleep and started awake, cracking one eye open. "Whazzat, Pa?"

"It's morning. Breakfast. Help me wake up your brother."

Hoss dug his fists in his eyes, looking around the room and yawning. "Dang. I fell asleep. Hey - Joe - " He shook vigorously at Joe's shoulder. "Wake on up. It's mornin'."

Joe mumbled and curled in the opposite direction. "I'm gettin' up in jus' a minute, Hoss…"

"Better git up now. Breakfast is ready 'an yer gonna have one mean stiff neck."

Joe yawned hugely. "Hm…?" He squinted around through swollen lids. "Oh. Is it my turn to watch?"

"It's yer turn ta eat. Come on…" Hoss grabbed him by the dressing gown collar and hauled him to his feet by standing up himself.

Joe yawned again. "Huh?"

"C'mon, Shortshanks - yer gonna feel a whole lot better once ya start eatin'." He steered Joe toward the door, still holding onto his collar.

"Oh." Joe rubbed at his eyes. "Is my turn over?"

"Somethin' like that…" Hoss moved them to the door in tandem, guiding Joe neatly through with the hands of long experience.

Ben watched them go.

"Say, Hoss? My room is that way…" he heard Joe's voice filter back and almost smiled. He looked again at Adam and the beginnings of his smile faded away.

"You go eat too," Hop Sing insisted. "I fix here."

Ben nodded reluctantly, slipping through the door with a backward glance. He heard it close firmly behind him. He stood for a moment, listening to the voices of Hoss and Joe floating up to him as they made their sleepy way to the dining room, listening to Hop Sing's hypnotic, sing-song murmurings in Cantonese on the other side of the door. Sounded almost like a chant, he thought vaguely. Or a song. After a moment, he too made his way down the stairs, but he stopped short of the dining room and went outside to the porch instead. The sky was light pink now; the air scattered with the sounds of birds and small creatures starting their day. He stood leaning against the railing as he had the night before, looking at nothing.

"Mr. Cartwright?" The voice startled him out of his musings and he glanced around in surprise, scratching at the shadow of his beard, suddenly realizing how unkempt he must look. "Mr. Cartwright, I'm right sorry ta disturb you."

Ben blinked to clear his eyes. "Charlie. No, that's all right. What can I do for you?"

Charlie looked acutely uncomfortable. "Well, sir, we all heard as how…" he cleared his throat. "I mean, word is that Adam…" he trailed off, glancing at Ben for help.

"Ah. Yes." He had forgotten that this concerned people besides themselves. "Yes, we found Adam. He's not dead." How strange that sounded. "We…brought him home yesterday."

Charlie bobbed his head. "What - I mean, how's he doin'?"

Ben winced. He couldn't even imagine talking to people about what had happened to Adam - he could barely stand to think about it. "He's - well, Paul is optimistic. Thank you for asking."

Charlie nodded again, but he lingered - clearly there was more on his mind. "Mr. Cartwright - " he cleared his throat again and pawed at the ground with his boot toe like a restless steer. "I reckon you ain't had no chance to think on it but…" He peered at Ben from under his hat brim. "That feller that we done buried, down by Mrs. Cartwright…" Ben stared. Oh, God. He had forgotten all about that. Somehow, in his mind, that had all disappeared when it had ceased to be Adam. Charlie cleared his throat again, more forcefully. "…any idee who he was?"

Ben rubbed at the bridge of his nose. Just one of many problems they still needed to address. Good Lord, would this thing never be over? But he had his son back, surely that was all that really mattered? Surely everything else was manageable? He tried to smile cordially. "No, Charlie, I'm afraid I don't. I'll have to do some asking around, I suppose - see what I can find out."

Charlie nodded solemnly. "I reckon you'll be wantin' him moved."

Ben creased his forehead. He hadn't really considered. But…now that Charlie mentioned it…"I don't mean to be callous, Charlie, but I suppose you're right. I'd be happy to pay for a nice plot for him in town, and to arrange for some sort of marker…hopefully with his name if I can discover what that is."

Charlie shrugged diffidently. "Could see to it."

Ben felt his shoulders sag in relief. "If you wouldn't mind, I would appreciate it. I know you'd do it as respectfully as possible. If you could arrange with Sylvester, I'll pay for everything and organize a small service once we find out who he is. Or even if we don't."

Charlie nodded, looking more relaxed now that his delicate mission was out in the open. "I'll take a couple of the men, if you've a mind."

"Take whoever you think best. I can't thank you enough for your thoughtfulness, Charlie - it will be a real burden off my mind."

Charlie smiled for the first time in the whole interview. "My pleasure, sir. I know…well, I know it's been kinda rugged hereabouts. Happy to do what I can to help. You give my best to Adam, too."

Ben nodded briefly, surprised by a sudden blurring of his vision.

Charlie touched his hat to him and turned to go.

"Charlie - " Charlie paused, waiting patiently for him to continue. "If I could impose on you for one more favor?" Charlie pushed out his lip and nodded. "There's a wooden cross - a temporary marker on the grave - with Adam's name on it?"

Charlie jerked his chin in assent.

"After you dig it up and have everything else settled and taken care of…"

Charlie waited.

Ben stared past him at a long row of pines, his eyes seeing something else.

"Sir?" Charlie prodded gently.

Ben breathed in deeply. "Burn it."