Jack didn't go to bed after Carter turned in. He wasn't sleepy; and he
didn't want to lie in bed and brood, something that was sure to happen. He
poured himself a cup of coffee and carried it into the living room and sat
down. Then started brooding.
He thought back over the last couple weeks, the days leading up to Daniel's death, and the days that had followed. God, it hurt to think of it like that. Had he ever realized just how important Daniel had been to him? To his team? Had he ever told him? He wasn't good at sharing his emotions with others. Not the ones that counted, anyways. He was very good at letting people know what he thought of them when they'd done something to anger him. It was just the people he loved that he couldn't speak to. He never had been able to, and he knew it.
"You can always learn to." The familiar voice startled Jack and he jumped, spilling his coffee all over and burning his hand. The colonel yelp, trying to stick his whole hand in his mouth and looked over and glared at Daniel.
"Would you stop doing that?!" Since his mouth was filled with hand, the reprimand wasn't quite as stern as Jack had intended, and Daniel only smiled, and came over to stand closer to his friend.
"I'm going to stop, Jack. At least for a little while. I've got a few things I have to go... do."
"Like what?"
"Don't ask, Jack. You really don't want to know." Daniel smiled sadly, and Jack felt a lump welling up inside his throat. So many things left unsaid. Things he should have told Daniel. Things he'd never have a chance to tell him, now. He tried to say something, but even though he opened his mouth, nothing came out past the lump.
"It's hard, I know," Daniel said to him, as though he understood what Jack was trying to do. "Harder for some than others, and it must seem impossible for you. But you've done the impossible before, Jack. And you can do it again." He looked pointedly down the hall towards the guest room, and Jack followed his gaze. When he turned back, Daniel was gone and a slight, cold breeze lifted his hair for just a moment before it was gone.
Jack didn't wonder how his imagination had made a breeze. He didn't worry about cleaning up the spilled cup of coffee, either. He stood up and walked down the hall, drying his hand on his sweats as he made his way to the door to Sam's room. He hesitated, despite his resolve, and almost turned around to go. He could tell her in the morning. No reason to wake her up. But despite the thoughts, his hand was already pushing open the door. Quietly, he walked across the room, and sat on the edge of her bed, watching her, and debating once more whether to go or not.
She took the choice away from him. Stirring in her sleep, she rolled over towards him, and her hand brushed against his leg. The unfamiliar contact woke her a little, and the sight of him sitting there in the near dark next to her woke her completely. She sat up, noticing the troubled look on his face, and the uncertainty in his eyes.
"You okay?" She asked, reaching out and touching his shoulder.
Jack shook his head, feeling the prickle of tears threatening.
Sam felt a flare of hope that maybe... just maybe...
"Want to talk about it, Jack?" She whispered.
"I miss him, too, Sam," He said, his head and shoulders bowing under the weight of sudden grief finally being allowed to materialize. He closed his eyes and didn't see when Carter moved, but he felt her put her arms around him and pull him closer.
"I just want him back," Jack told her, burying his face against her. "I want to tell him everything I should have... I want him back, Sam..."
"I know," Sam murmured, rocking him as he began to cry, his body shaking with the release of weeks of guilt and agony. "I want him back, too, Jack. I wish I could bring him back for you."
She continued to talk to him, knowing from personal experience that he wasn't going to be able to speak to her anytime soon as hard as he was crying. She held him tightly, and he clung to her, seeking solace where he'd never have thought there could be any. After minutes, or hours, sobs turned to sniffles, but still he held her, and she still continued to comfort him. When she thought he might be able to speak again, Sam went a little further, using the fact that he was as vulnerable as he ever was going to be, and thus most willing to listen to her.
"You know his death wasn't your fault, don't you?"
"I failed him, Sam," he croaked out. "I'm supposed to bring you guys home safe, and I didn't..."
"It wasn't you," She said firmly, stroking his head and trying to make him believe her. "You know there was nothing you could have done. There wasn't anything anyone could have done."
"I let him go... I told Jacob to stop..." That was what hurt the most. Jack had, in the end, made the decision to do what Daniel had asked him to, and he was dead because of it. Jacob might have been able to heal him if Jack hadn't listened to Daniel and let him go.
"You did what he asked, Sir," she told him. "He wanted to go." Sam was crying, too, now and her tears were mingling with Jack's as she held him tightly. "He was hurting, and you made a decision I never could have made. I know it hurts, but you did the right thing."
He didn't say anything, but Sam knew he was listening to her. She didn't know if he believed what she was saying, but he was thinking it through, and that was as much as she could ask for. When he started sobbing again, Sam was ready for it, and she tightened her grip even more, more than willing to give him the support and love he needed as long as he needed it.
** ~~~ **
Sorry it took so long to get this one out, my schedule was a little hairy yesterday and today. I should finish this tonight! Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming please!
He thought back over the last couple weeks, the days leading up to Daniel's death, and the days that had followed. God, it hurt to think of it like that. Had he ever realized just how important Daniel had been to him? To his team? Had he ever told him? He wasn't good at sharing his emotions with others. Not the ones that counted, anyways. He was very good at letting people know what he thought of them when they'd done something to anger him. It was just the people he loved that he couldn't speak to. He never had been able to, and he knew it.
"You can always learn to." The familiar voice startled Jack and he jumped, spilling his coffee all over and burning his hand. The colonel yelp, trying to stick his whole hand in his mouth and looked over and glared at Daniel.
"Would you stop doing that?!" Since his mouth was filled with hand, the reprimand wasn't quite as stern as Jack had intended, and Daniel only smiled, and came over to stand closer to his friend.
"I'm going to stop, Jack. At least for a little while. I've got a few things I have to go... do."
"Like what?"
"Don't ask, Jack. You really don't want to know." Daniel smiled sadly, and Jack felt a lump welling up inside his throat. So many things left unsaid. Things he should have told Daniel. Things he'd never have a chance to tell him, now. He tried to say something, but even though he opened his mouth, nothing came out past the lump.
"It's hard, I know," Daniel said to him, as though he understood what Jack was trying to do. "Harder for some than others, and it must seem impossible for you. But you've done the impossible before, Jack. And you can do it again." He looked pointedly down the hall towards the guest room, and Jack followed his gaze. When he turned back, Daniel was gone and a slight, cold breeze lifted his hair for just a moment before it was gone.
Jack didn't wonder how his imagination had made a breeze. He didn't worry about cleaning up the spilled cup of coffee, either. He stood up and walked down the hall, drying his hand on his sweats as he made his way to the door to Sam's room. He hesitated, despite his resolve, and almost turned around to go. He could tell her in the morning. No reason to wake her up. But despite the thoughts, his hand was already pushing open the door. Quietly, he walked across the room, and sat on the edge of her bed, watching her, and debating once more whether to go or not.
She took the choice away from him. Stirring in her sleep, she rolled over towards him, and her hand brushed against his leg. The unfamiliar contact woke her a little, and the sight of him sitting there in the near dark next to her woke her completely. She sat up, noticing the troubled look on his face, and the uncertainty in his eyes.
"You okay?" She asked, reaching out and touching his shoulder.
Jack shook his head, feeling the prickle of tears threatening.
Sam felt a flare of hope that maybe... just maybe...
"Want to talk about it, Jack?" She whispered.
"I miss him, too, Sam," He said, his head and shoulders bowing under the weight of sudden grief finally being allowed to materialize. He closed his eyes and didn't see when Carter moved, but he felt her put her arms around him and pull him closer.
"I just want him back," Jack told her, burying his face against her. "I want to tell him everything I should have... I want him back, Sam..."
"I know," Sam murmured, rocking him as he began to cry, his body shaking with the release of weeks of guilt and agony. "I want him back, too, Jack. I wish I could bring him back for you."
She continued to talk to him, knowing from personal experience that he wasn't going to be able to speak to her anytime soon as hard as he was crying. She held him tightly, and he clung to her, seeking solace where he'd never have thought there could be any. After minutes, or hours, sobs turned to sniffles, but still he held her, and she still continued to comfort him. When she thought he might be able to speak again, Sam went a little further, using the fact that he was as vulnerable as he ever was going to be, and thus most willing to listen to her.
"You know his death wasn't your fault, don't you?"
"I failed him, Sam," he croaked out. "I'm supposed to bring you guys home safe, and I didn't..."
"It wasn't you," She said firmly, stroking his head and trying to make him believe her. "You know there was nothing you could have done. There wasn't anything anyone could have done."
"I let him go... I told Jacob to stop..." That was what hurt the most. Jack had, in the end, made the decision to do what Daniel had asked him to, and he was dead because of it. Jacob might have been able to heal him if Jack hadn't listened to Daniel and let him go.
"You did what he asked, Sir," she told him. "He wanted to go." Sam was crying, too, now and her tears were mingling with Jack's as she held him tightly. "He was hurting, and you made a decision I never could have made. I know it hurts, but you did the right thing."
He didn't say anything, but Sam knew he was listening to her. She didn't know if he believed what she was saying, but he was thinking it through, and that was as much as she could ask for. When he started sobbing again, Sam was ready for it, and she tightened her grip even more, more than willing to give him the support and love he needed as long as he needed it.
** ~~~ **
Sorry it took so long to get this one out, my schedule was a little hairy yesterday and today. I should finish this tonight! Thanks for the reviews, keep them coming please!
