X on Prozac

An X parody by Ap-chan

Warnings: Shounen ai, shoujo ai, foul language, sarcasm. You know, the usual.

A/N: *grins* I'm glad you like my silly little attempt at an adaptation. Ooooo! I have support for a pairing! Tee hee. *hugs Kaoru and Yayoi together- Kaoru looks slightly exasperated and Yayoi blushes* And I'm glad someone else noticed the rampant CLAMP crossovers... Besides, Seiichirou Aoki reminds me of Fujitaka Kinomoto! Who better to be Daisuke, then, than Touya? ^_~

I'll continue the fic if people review! Pretty please? I love you forever and give you a cookie and answer your review! As I'm sure those of you who have reviewed have noticed. *hugs Bakamegami-sama*

"This fanfic has been brought to you by the suffix 'ing'! As in 'violating,' 'copywriting,' but also 'forgiving,' and 'not suing'..."

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Kaoru stood up and walked out of the room into the cool night air, however, when she looked up into the tree she saw...

"Who are you and why are you in my yard?" she said in a rather tired voice. She looked him over, then said, "Are you the one who caused Yayoi's injuries?"

This made Kyouichirou stop. "Yayoi?" he said. "I thought her name was Kamui."

Kaoru smacked her hand to her forehead. "We've been trying to explain this to people for years," the older girl said calmly. "Legally, she is Kamui. Everyone is to call her Yayoi. It can be a pain. Either way, you didn't answer my question. You hurt her, didn't you?"

Kyouichirou sighed, "Of course not. If it was me, she would have been electrocuted."

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Meanwhile in Kamui- er, Yayoi's head...

Yayoi stood in the middle of a black landscape, but suddenly, she saw something out of the corner of her eye. When she turned around, she found herself facing a globe with a short-haired girl inside. The girl was scowling at her and had her arms crossed.

Tenshi's scowl lifted, slightly, and she said, "You're Kamui, right?"

"Yayoi."

Tenshi shrugged, "Whatever. I don't care what your name is, you are THE 'Kamui'."

Yayoi frowned suddenly, and said, "Dude, are you using telepathy? Your lips aren't moving."

Tenshi rolled her eyes, "Of course I'm using telepathy, you numbskull! What do you think I am, a ventriloquist? Either way, since you're the 'Kamui' you've got to save the world."

"I wasn't aware the world needed saving."

"Hey, the world always needs saving from something," Tenshi sighed, "This is Tokyo, after all."

Yayoi nodded, finally on steadier ground, "Oh, of course. So, what will I be saving the world from?"

Tenshi shrugged, "The 'End of the World'. But first I've got to make you relive some horribly painful memories from your past."

"Why?" Yayoi said, annoyed.

"Union rules. Here we go!"

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Suddenly...

A shot rang out! A maid screamed! A pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

Oh wait, wrong flashback. Here we go.

Sayuri's scream rang throughout the house.

"KYAAAAAAA!!!"

The young Yayoi, always up for seeing the Adversary screaming for one reason or another, ran into the room along with her best friend of younger days, Kaoru.

"What's wrong, Sayuri?" the girls said in unison.

"Mo... ther..."

It was then that the two newcomers noticed the horrible bloody mess that now decorated the room. Not to mention Saya's head lying on the ground not too far in front of them. Yayoi, who couldn't stand blood herself, ran as quickly as possible from the room.

"Kaoru, what's that?" Sayuri said, pointing to the grotesquely disembodied head, "Is it mother?"

Kaoru took several deep breaths and said, "No, Sayuri, it isn't mother."

Sayuri looked at the head and said, "Oh. Okay."

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Tohru took her daughter aside and said, "We have to leave Tokyo, Yayoi."

Yayoi nodded as sagely as a little girl could and said, "Ah. This has to do with Aunt Saya exploding, doesn't it?"

Tohru blinked, "How did you know?"

The nine year old looked ill, "I saw for myself."

Her mother looked slightly green herself. "I see. I'm sorry you had to see that."

Yayoi nodded, "So am I."

Tohru shook her head to get rid of the rather vivid memory of Saya's head and said, "So you know why we have to leave. We can't let anyone else die because of us."

Yayoi, who secretly thought this was kind of weird, just shrugged and said, "Whatever."

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Finally, not so long ago...

"Kamui... Please be strong," Tohru said to her daughter.

"Yayoi," Yayoi corrected automatically.

As though she hadn't heard her, her mother went on, "You must live, no matter what, until the 'Promised Day' in 1999."

Yayoi sighed, "Unless I contract a horrible disease before then, I don't think that's going to be much of a problem, Mom."

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Yayoi was left staring in shock. After several moments, she turned on Tenshi and said, "What the hell was that?!"

Tenshi frowned deeply at her and said, "I already told you that, moron. Now, if you don't save the world, everyone you know is going to die. Got it?"

Yayoi nodded obediently.

"To change the future you've got to save the world," Tenshi said matter-of-factly, "To save your little girlfriend, what's-her-name. Sayuri."

Yayoi sighed, "Look, Mrs. Lady, I hate Sayuri. ...I don't suppose I could use a lifeline?"

Tenshi rolled her eyes, "We're in a dream, moron. What are you going to do, phone a friend?"

Yayoi sighed, "I'll get back to you on this." With that, she suddenly left the dream.

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Under the Diet Building (have I said that enough yet?)...

"Ow, damn it!" Tenshi muttered. "Bitch. Get rid of me, will she? You have seen the last of Tenshi."

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In that other building! In Tokyo!...

"Dang," Mai-Yu noted idly, "That must be the 'Kamui'. She drove Tenshi right out of there. Serves Little Miss I-Dun-Need-No-Stinking-Anger- Management-Sessions right, though. Good for her."

The phone rang for a moment, then the Evil-Overlord-turned-yumemi- stand-in picked up. Ayase was on the other line.

"Hello, sir. I'm going to be late. Thought I'd tell you."

Mai-Yu paused for a moment, then said, "Ah. Why?"

She could almost see the sheepish look on his face when he said, "Well, you see, I was trying to talk to Kamui, but apparently there's a line going."

This caused Mai-Yu to nearly fall out of her chair. "You could have just eliminated the competition, you know."

Ayase paused contemplatively, and then said, "Nah."

Mai-Yu sighed, "You're really lazy, you know that?"

Ayase said, "I guess. See ya."

Mai-Yu sighed, "Good-bye." With that she hung up.

"There are days," she said to the ceiling, "When I have to wonder if I wasn't better off as an Evil Overlord. But, hey, it's destiny. What can you do? Oh, well. At least I got to see the End of the World in Ten's dream."

Mai-Yu sighed. Just then, Naru walked and looked at her, saying, "Talking to yourself again? The computer says that it is, indeed, the 'Kamui', you know."

Mai-Yu shut her eyes against the smart-ass girl, "Shut up, Naru."

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Oh, God, Yayoi thought to herself as she awoke, She's still here.

"Oh, hi, Kamui-chan, I'm so glad you're awake!" Sayuri gushed at the still prone and in pain girl.

"Yayoi. Hi, Sayuri," Yayoi said.

Suddenly, Kyouichirou came up behind Sayuri and said, "Excuse me..."

"Kyaaaa!" Sayuri yelled in surprise, then turned around. In front of her was a tall young man with an expressionless face. He had black hair and grey eyes, and, from Sayuri's perspective, he was very cute. Thus, she bounced over to greet him.

"Hi, I'm Sayuri, Kamui's friend!" she said cheerfully. "Would you like something to eat?"

Kyouichirou watched as Yayoi twitched slightly when Sayuri had announced that she was her friend, and deduced quickly that the friendship was more than likely one-sided. There was also the minor detail that Yayoi was giving him a look that clearly said, "Please don't leave me alone with her!"

"Fine," said Kyouichirou. With that, Sayuri dragged the two people down the stairs and into the living room.

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When he and Yayoi were alone in the living room, Kyouichirou turned to her and said, "Yayoi..."

Just then, Sayuri walked back into the room. Seeing what she thought was Kyouichirou looking soulfully into her friend's eyes, Sayuri giggled inanely and said, "I see what's going on here! I'll just leave you two alone, then." When Kaoru walked in, Sayuri dragged her by the arm right back out and said, "C'mon, Kao, we've got to go turn off the lights in the shrine!"

"But I just-" Yayoi never had the chance to find out what Kaoru had just done, because she was gone the next moment.

Kyouichirou rolled his eyes and said, "Let them think whatever they want. As I was about to say..."

Yayoi frowned and said, "I won't answer any questions unless you agree to call me Yayoi."

The boy shrugged, "Okay. Now, Yayoi, I was going to try to talk to you earlier today, but Touya ran you off before I could get anywhere near you."

Yayoi looked at him curiously, "You knew that guy? I thought he was trying to do something unspeakable to me or something."

Kyouichirou shook his head and said, "Doubtful. Touya wouldn't do anything too bad to you, I don't think. He's just not that kind of guy, even if he is too brash for my liking."

Yayoi smiled slightly. She kind of liked this guy already. Not that this was unusual or particularly meaningful. She was just an optimist, and had always had a tendency to view everyone she met in the best possible light.

"Who are you, then?" she asked, slightly curious.

"I'm Kyouichirou Arisugawa," said the young man. "I'm a priest at Kouyasan. There's also a priest there, the Hoshimi. He tells the future by gazing at the stars. Well, a week ago, a Gohou came from him."

Kyouichirou turned around slightly as though listening to something, then shook his head and continued, "Anyway, I went to the Hoshimi room, and he said to me, 'Kamui is coming back to Tokyo.' The Hoshimi also said, 'Kamui will return. Separated from her one and only parent by her death, guided by the star of her own destiny, she will return to Tokyo.'"

Yayoi started laughing, "You got one thing wrong. I didn't come back because Mom died. I came back because I need to get my old computer fixed. Tokyo is the only place where I could find a place." She smiled at him in an apologetic smile. Yayoi thought back to her mother's last words- and her reactions to them...

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"Ka...mu...i, please go to Tokyo," Mom said.

"*Why*?" Yayoi asked. She wasn't overly thrilled about going back to the town that she had been so happy away from. She had *friends* here. Over there she had...oh...two.

"Your destiny is waiting," Tohru implored.

Yayoi blinked at this, "Destiny?"

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Kyouichirou reached over and put his hand on her shoulder, "Sorry I made you remember such painful things, but you have to hear my story."

Yayoi gave him a dark looks, saying, "You know, you could tell me something without messing with my head, for once."

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Outside, in the shrine where the Shinkakeya awaits...

A green-haired young woman in a lab coat and glasses marched in a superior manner up to the shrine. She looked at her Rolex and continued up the stairs, standing behind Kyougo.

"Give me the mallet, old man."

"The Shinkakeya is for Kamui," the older man said, "You know that but you still came here? If you know the role of the Holy Mallet, that is all the more reason I can't surrender it. No matter who you are... If you leave now, that's fine with me. But if you plan to challenge me for the mallet, you'll die here."

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"You, know," Sayuri began. Kaoru winced. The only time her sister annoyed her was when she opened her mouth, which, admittedly, was all the time.

"Dad hasn't talked about Kamui-chan's family since Mom died. I wonder if I should bring more tea upstairs? Speaking of which, we have ice cream. I wonder if Kamui-chan still likes vanilla ice? I have bought ice cream so if our guests upstairs want some... We also have strawberry and mocha. I thought I would eat them with you!" She giggled in her typical nutty way. Kaoru rolled her eyes and sighed.

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"It seems you have no intention of leaving," Kyougo said. Keisa rolled her eyes, and decided that the best course of action would be to treat him like one of her experiments.

"Of course not, ninny-hammer! I'm here for the mallet!" The mad scientist was getting aggravated.

Kyougo closed his eyes, and Keisa braced herself for monologue.

"In order to protect this Holy Mallet, I have sacrificed something most precious to me. It is my duty as priest of this shrine to protect this mallet," Kyougo opened his eyes and glared at the mad scientist in a heroic fashion. Keisa, for her part looked up from filing her nails and shifted her weight away from the wall she was leaning against.

"Just give me the goddamn mallet, would you, old man?" Keisa sighed tiredly.

"If you have no intention of leaving, I have no choice but to kill you," Kyougo said determinedly. The older man picked up the mallet and pointed it at Keisa. The green-haired woman sighed and pressed a button on the underside of her watch. Kyougo directed the power of the mallet at her, but it simply bounced off the field she had raised.

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Sayuri gasped when she heard it. "What was that?! Kaoru, you go see if anything's happened to Father. I'll stay here."

Kaoru sighed, but headed toward the shrine.

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Kyouichirou looked up. "What was that sound?"

Yayoi suddenly reached up and touched her head in a pain-filled manner.

The boy looked over, concerned. "Your head hurts?"

"No," Yayoi said, looking pensive, "Something called to me."

"Called you?"

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Kyougo glared at the bored supervillain, saying, "Although the mallet is not in the hands of Kamui, it's hard to believe that someone actually withstood the lightning from the Holy Mallet... Can it be that...? The Seven Seals, no... One of The Seven Angels? You are... You must be... You're..."

Keisa sighed, "I'm the world-renowned and feared mad scientist Keisa Foster. Good night, old man." With that, Keisa pulled out a small revolver and shot him. She picked up the sword and left quickly.

"Father!" Kaoru yelled, running up to him. "Father!"

"The Holy Mallet is..." Kyougo started, the stopped and began again, "It... has... started...The first arrow... signaling... The End of this World... Has been... fired..."

Kaoru panicked and said, "Father, don't try to talk!"

"Kaoru..." Kyougo tried once more, "You... are... Ka... mui's..."

"Father... Father!" Kaoru cried.

Just then, Yayoi walked in on the scene with Kyouichirou.

"Un...cle..." Yayoi said, her eyes widening.

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To be continued...

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X on Prozac Character File #2

Kaoru Monou

Hair: Shoulder blade-length and black, bleached down at the bottom

Eyes: Kind and rather amused-looking, gold

Build: Fairly tall, almost-but-not-quite hourglass figure

Birthdate:

Birthplace: Tokyo

Star Sign: Sagittarius

Blood Type: AB

Hobbies: Keeping her sister in line, putting together model kits

Favourite Food: Miso soup

Favourite Colour: Green

Motto: Before change- "A little goes a long, long, *long* way, Sayu." After change- "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Personality: Before she changed into Dark Kamui, she was a nice enough girl. She worked hard for her family, and was rendered unsurprisable by living with her younger sister, Sayuri for so long. Thus, she gets annoyed with some things, but takes most of it in stride. She has a mild crush on her best friend, Kam- er, Yayoi. After the change, she attempted to be beautiful and murderous like her counterpart in a different reality, but the people surrounding her are making it difficult. Her fears are cherry blossoms and slimy, green things. Oddly, these have carried over to Dark Kamui.