The Metraton was pissed. He'd told God and told God, over and over again,
that going to a school full of children with Jay and Silent Bob was a Very
Bad Idea. And all God had done was throw Her empty popcorn bowl at him,
telling him to shut up so She could watch Passions.
"Bloody soaps. Bloody stoners and children and my job." He grumbled, sulkily crossing his arms over his chest. Behind him someone exclaimed, "Man! What the fuck is this shit?! Where the fuck are we? Why the fuck did I have to fucking come? Me and Lunchbox over here were just about to get a shitload of green offa this little old lady and then you had to show up. What the fuck is up with that?"
The Metatron rolled his eyes and turned around to look at one very confused Jay. Not that Jay was ever not confused. Jay's best friend, Silent Bob, merely pulled a cigarette out of his coat pocket, lit it, and placed it in his mouth, inhaling smoke. He shrugged his shoulders philosophically at the Metatron's obviously exasperated look. "Will you shut up? It's not good to go walking about a school with a potty mouth such as yours spewing filth every five minutes."
Jay's eyebrows knitted and he scratched his scraggly blond hair. "What the fuck is that shit supposed to mean?"
The Metatron groaned.
** Harry Potter couldn't sleep. He'd already tried everything he could think of; even imagining Dudley in a Speedo, thinking maybe that thought would put him in a coma. All it did was result in a terrifying mental image which had emotionally scared him more than Voldemort had in the past fifteen years. He groaned and slipped out of bed.
If sleep wasn't going to come to him, he'd go to it. He tiptoed over to his trunk and opened it, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak. He pulled it around him, grabbing his wand and glasses, threw on some shoes, and tiptoed out of the room.
A few minutes later the portrait guarding the Gryffindor Common Room mysteriously opened, wind whispering as something crept through it. The something walked down the hall, accidentally tripping over a stone protruding from the floor.
"Bloody hell." Harry exclaimed into the ground, cloak lying in a shimmery pile of fabric a few feet away.
Down the hall footsteps echoed.
Harry's eyes widened and he hurriedly dragged himself toward his cloak. Hissing with pain, he stood up, wincing at the shooting pain in his head.
"Finally. Someone to talk to. Honestly, you'd think this bloody place was Hell on Christmas Eve. Not a soul in sight."
"What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Why the fuck do you have to fucking talk funny all the fucking time?" Another voice said.
Harry nearly fainted in shock and quickly looked up to see three men (or at least one man and what appeared to be two actual human douche bags) standing in front of him. One was tall and thin, black-haired, and looking at Harry with a sulky expression on his face. The other two were scraggly looking, one short and tubby and the other taller and leaner.
"Professor Snape?!" Harry asked, staring at the sulky one.
"Snape. Ha." Jay nudged Silent Bob. "Dude, what kind of a fucking name is Snape?"
The Metatron replied. "Look at you. Your name's Jay. What kind of a pathetic name is that?"
Jay's jaw dropped. "Man, you didn't just say what I fucking thought you said. You're the one's who fucking named the fucking Metatron."
"Oh, here we go again. Kick a fellow when's he down just because his name happens to start with 'the' and include an unpronounceable word. It goes with the bloody job- and why am I arguing with you?" The Metatron suddenly asked.
Harry perked up and stared at the Metatron. "You're the Metatron? Man, you're cool. Can you really grow wings and burst into flame, and speak to God?"
"You don't know who the-" The Metatron started, but quickly stopped, realizing what Harry had said. "Oh. Yes. You do know who I am.. Uh, yes, I can do that."
"Ohh." Harry said excitedly, eyes gleaming. "Can you show me?"
The Metatron grinned wickedly for a few seconds before bursting into flame. Harry squealed and jumped up and down excitedly.
"Dude, do the fucking voice!" Jay yelled. Silent Bob nodded in agreement. "Yeah, voice, do the voice." Harry agreed.
The Metatron sighed and shook his head. "Fine. Behold the Metatron, voice of the Almighty and One True God." He intoned. Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob clapped.
The Metatron grinned cheekily and bowed, liking his job for once.
"And what is all this?" A new voice hissed.
The Metatron was promptly soaked by water and reappeared a few minutes later, completely soaked, smoking slightly. Harry stared at the latest addition to this strange little group.
"Uh, hey there, Professor Snape!" He said false-cheerily.
"Who the fuck're you, Mr. Ain't- Got- Bush-In-Fifty-Years?" Jay asked. Snape opened his mouth to curse the pants off Jay but was interrupted by the Metatron.
"My suit! Bloody ruined! You humans just have to completely ruin all my suits, don't you?! This was just dry cleaned!" He howled, wringing water out of his shirt.
Everyone turned to stare at him. The Metatron looked up at them and snarled, "What?"
Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob looked at him, and then at Snape. Snape looked at the Metatron and promptly fainted.
"Uh, maybe you scared him." Harry said fearfully, looking at his unconscious Potions Master.
The Metatron merely gaped at his apparently evil and, badly in need of a shampoo, twin. "God, I need a tequila." He moaned, wishing for a nearby franchise Mexican eatery.
"I've got some Butterbeer." Harry said helpfully.
The Metatron groaned again, fiercely wishing Bartleby and Loki had actually brought about the end of the world.
A.N. Apparently a lot of people like this. THANK YOU! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. So yeah.. That's pretty much it. If the line breaks appear messed up it's because of my screwy computer, not me.
"Bloody soaps. Bloody stoners and children and my job." He grumbled, sulkily crossing his arms over his chest. Behind him someone exclaimed, "Man! What the fuck is this shit?! Where the fuck are we? Why the fuck did I have to fucking come? Me and Lunchbox over here were just about to get a shitload of green offa this little old lady and then you had to show up. What the fuck is up with that?"
The Metatron rolled his eyes and turned around to look at one very confused Jay. Not that Jay was ever not confused. Jay's best friend, Silent Bob, merely pulled a cigarette out of his coat pocket, lit it, and placed it in his mouth, inhaling smoke. He shrugged his shoulders philosophically at the Metatron's obviously exasperated look. "Will you shut up? It's not good to go walking about a school with a potty mouth such as yours spewing filth every five minutes."
Jay's eyebrows knitted and he scratched his scraggly blond hair. "What the fuck is that shit supposed to mean?"
The Metatron groaned.
** Harry Potter couldn't sleep. He'd already tried everything he could think of; even imagining Dudley in a Speedo, thinking maybe that thought would put him in a coma. All it did was result in a terrifying mental image which had emotionally scared him more than Voldemort had in the past fifteen years. He groaned and slipped out of bed.
If sleep wasn't going to come to him, he'd go to it. He tiptoed over to his trunk and opened it, pulling out his Invisibility Cloak. He pulled it around him, grabbing his wand and glasses, threw on some shoes, and tiptoed out of the room.
A few minutes later the portrait guarding the Gryffindor Common Room mysteriously opened, wind whispering as something crept through it. The something walked down the hall, accidentally tripping over a stone protruding from the floor.
"Bloody hell." Harry exclaimed into the ground, cloak lying in a shimmery pile of fabric a few feet away.
Down the hall footsteps echoed.
Harry's eyes widened and he hurriedly dragged himself toward his cloak. Hissing with pain, he stood up, wincing at the shooting pain in his head.
"Finally. Someone to talk to. Honestly, you'd think this bloody place was Hell on Christmas Eve. Not a soul in sight."
"What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Why the fuck do you have to fucking talk funny all the fucking time?" Another voice said.
Harry nearly fainted in shock and quickly looked up to see three men (or at least one man and what appeared to be two actual human douche bags) standing in front of him. One was tall and thin, black-haired, and looking at Harry with a sulky expression on his face. The other two were scraggly looking, one short and tubby and the other taller and leaner.
"Professor Snape?!" Harry asked, staring at the sulky one.
"Snape. Ha." Jay nudged Silent Bob. "Dude, what kind of a fucking name is Snape?"
The Metatron replied. "Look at you. Your name's Jay. What kind of a pathetic name is that?"
Jay's jaw dropped. "Man, you didn't just say what I fucking thought you said. You're the one's who fucking named the fucking Metatron."
"Oh, here we go again. Kick a fellow when's he down just because his name happens to start with 'the' and include an unpronounceable word. It goes with the bloody job- and why am I arguing with you?" The Metatron suddenly asked.
Harry perked up and stared at the Metatron. "You're the Metatron? Man, you're cool. Can you really grow wings and burst into flame, and speak to God?"
"You don't know who the-" The Metatron started, but quickly stopped, realizing what Harry had said. "Oh. Yes. You do know who I am.. Uh, yes, I can do that."
"Ohh." Harry said excitedly, eyes gleaming. "Can you show me?"
The Metatron grinned wickedly for a few seconds before bursting into flame. Harry squealed and jumped up and down excitedly.
"Dude, do the fucking voice!" Jay yelled. Silent Bob nodded in agreement. "Yeah, voice, do the voice." Harry agreed.
The Metatron sighed and shook his head. "Fine. Behold the Metatron, voice of the Almighty and One True God." He intoned. Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob clapped.
The Metatron grinned cheekily and bowed, liking his job for once.
"And what is all this?" A new voice hissed.
The Metatron was promptly soaked by water and reappeared a few minutes later, completely soaked, smoking slightly. Harry stared at the latest addition to this strange little group.
"Uh, hey there, Professor Snape!" He said false-cheerily.
"Who the fuck're you, Mr. Ain't- Got- Bush-In-Fifty-Years?" Jay asked. Snape opened his mouth to curse the pants off Jay but was interrupted by the Metatron.
"My suit! Bloody ruined! You humans just have to completely ruin all my suits, don't you?! This was just dry cleaned!" He howled, wringing water out of his shirt.
Everyone turned to stare at him. The Metatron looked up at them and snarled, "What?"
Harry, Jay, and Silent Bob looked at him, and then at Snape. Snape looked at the Metatron and promptly fainted.
"Uh, maybe you scared him." Harry said fearfully, looking at his unconscious Potions Master.
The Metatron merely gaped at his apparently evil and, badly in need of a shampoo, twin. "God, I need a tequila." He moaned, wishing for a nearby franchise Mexican eatery.
"I've got some Butterbeer." Harry said helpfully.
The Metatron groaned again, fiercely wishing Bartleby and Loki had actually brought about the end of the world.
A.N. Apparently a lot of people like this. THANK YOU! Thanks to everyone who reviewed. So yeah.. That's pretty much it. If the line breaks appear messed up it's because of my screwy computer, not me.
