"Honestly, Black, you just have to play rough…" Snape mumbled incoherently, mentally flinching as something hit him rather forcefully. Smack! He groaned and curled into a ball, muttering, "Bloody hell. If you don't stop this instant, Black, I'll take you to the vet and have them neuter you with a spoon and a brick-"


Smack! Snape jerked awake and grabbed the person's hand before it slapped his already tender face. "Bloody hell, Potter. Couldn't just use Ennervate, could you?" He winced and shakily stood up, rubbing his face.

Harry gulped audibly and backed away from his pissed teacher, mentally devising ways to injure Jay. This was definitely the last time he was ever listening to Jay's stoned ass again. "Uh… I lost my wand… and, uh…" He stumbled backwards onto the edge of his Invisibility Cloak, throwing out his hands to break his fall. Silently cursing his life and all things in it, he hit the ground with a thump and watched with horror-stricken eyes as his wand bounced out of his pajama sleeve.

"Uh… How did that get there?" He asked innocently, quickly stuffing it back in his sleeve. Snape advanced on Harry, a murderous expression on his face. Slowly he drew himself up to his full height and was about to say something along the lines of 'Die, Potter, die', but stopped when Jay snickered.

"Man, little dude fucking bitch-slapped you!" He said gleefully, laughing so hard he had to lean on the wall for support. Silent Bob looked at his friend, back to Snape, and slowly backed away. With a flick of his wrist he tossed his cigarette to the ground and ground it out with one foot, keeping his eyes on the unfolding scene in front of him.

Things were, to say the least, getting interesting.

Harry appeared to be torn between running as far away from Snape as possible and beating Jay over the head. Snape looked ready to explode, and probably would have killed both Harry and Jay if the Metatron hadn't stepped in at that moment. He grabbed Snape's arms and dragged him away from everyone else, hissing, "Look, you. You already ruined my suit, which is, to say the least, a grave offense. You then tried to kill this Harry boy, who I am supposed to be saving. One more threat toward him and you will be joining Ken and me at Anatomically Impaired Anonymous. And I know you wouldn't want that."

Snape gulped. The Metatron smirked evilly and merely said, "I thought you'd agree." Still holding Snape's arms, he turned to Harry and asked, "Where is your, ah, protector?"

Harry hurried forward to stand next to the Metatron, pointing down the corridor. "He's down the hall, up the stairs, to the right, and behind the gargoyle statue."

Metatron blinked, made a sulky face, and said, "I meant take me there." Harry nodded sagely and swaggered off down the corridor, looking like a small version of Percy Weasley.


"Well, come on. Haven't got all night." He called a few yards away.

The Metatron rolled his eyes and followed, dragging Snape along. Silent Bob quickly followed him, kicking Jay in the leg as he passed. Jay cursed and hobbled after Bob, yelling something about mother-fucking Lunchboxes.



They arrived at the Headmaster's office a few minutes later without further incident, though Jay was now ranting about cops, pepper spray, and law enforcement in general. Everyone ignored him, used to his pointless and obscene ramblings. Sad, really, considering Harry had only met him an hour ago.


"Uh… I don't know the password to the office." Harry said, quickly losing his pompous air. He looked fearfully at the Metatron, who sighed wearily and rolled his eyes. Snape gloated in silence for a few minutes, savoring the feel of being better (or at least smarter) than everyone else. The Metatron noticed this, however, and said," What's the soddin' password, Ken?"

Snape nearly whimpered in fear, but quickly caught himself and merely grumbled, "Blood lollipops." Everyone grimaced, stared in Snape's direction, and then clamored to get on the stairs which led to the Headmaster's office.

"It wasn't my bloody idea, you group of dunderheads." Snape muttered as he was dragged up the stairs. He quickly stopped when he saw the look on the Metatron's face. With a gentle thump, the revolving staircase hit the entrance to Dumbledore's office. All five quickly jumped off it and strode forward. Harry politely knocked on the door, was ignored, and was then pushed out of the way by Jay. He banged on the door with both fists and yelled, "Open the fuck up!"

As if on cue the door burst open, sending Jay flying. He landed in the middle of the office with a few choice words. Everyone else merely walked in, all trying hard not to laugh at Jay.

"Well, that was quite interesting." Someone said merrily. Harry hurried forward and blinked in surprise at the sight of Dumbledore sitting on top of his desk, grinning happily. "Sir… It's midnight. What in the world are you doing up?"

Dumbledore merely beamed at Harry, blue eyes twinkling. "Well, Mr. Potter, today Professor Trelawney said we would not be getting any new guests tonight around midnight. So I naturally reversed her prediction and waited. I would assume these are our guests?" The last part was said to the Metatron, Jay (who by now had stood up), and Silent Bob, who nodded in agreement.

"That's good. Now, what are you doing with my Potions Master?" Dumbledore said, idly munching on a lemon drop.

The Metatron quickly let go of Snape, who glared evilly around the room before saying, "This man threatened me and-"

"After you tried to kill Mr. Potter and one of the prophets!"

"Yes, well, Potter shouldn't have slapped me!!"

"He wouldn't have slapped you if you hadn't fainted, you weakling!"

"I DID NOT faint! I merely lost consciousness for a few minutes. There is a difference between the two, not that you would know."

"Oh, so now I'm an idiot? You really shouldn't insult others until you fix that grease rag on top of your head. It's a bit hypocritical."

"At least I don't sob like a little girl when my clothes get a bit wet."

"I did not sob, I yelled. Besides, that suit happens to be my newest one, which I bought in Greece in 312 B.C. It's not my fault you ruined my clothing in a fit of jealousy."

"Me jealous of your clothes?!! Sorry, no. I'd run around naked wearing nothing but a tea cozy before I'd wear that."

The Metatron's jaw dropped and he shuddered at that mental image. Snape smirked triumphantly. Harry accidentally sucked a lemon drop down his windpipe and had to be rescued by Silent Bob. Jay merely stood still, looking very confused.

"Yes…. Ah, that was a disturbing thought, Severus. I never knew you'd do that." Dumbledore said, a mischievous glint in his eyes. Snape noticed this and quickly backed away, trying to hide behind Silent Bob. Silent Bob merely moved away, leaving Snape standing right in the middle of the room with nowhere to hide.

"Albus…. Don't even think about it. I'll-" He never finished his threat, since at that moment Dumbledore muttered something and pointed his wand at Snape, who yelled as his black robes were changed into one strategically placed tea cozy.

"AHHHHH!!!" He yelled in terror. He dived behind a nearby chair and drew his knees up to his chest, mentally cataloguing all the poisons he had on hand which could be used to kill Dumbledore.

Everyone else blinked dazedly, trying to get rid of the image of a naked Snape that was burned onto their eyes. Dumbledore grinned cheekily and picked up a small dish on his desk.

"Lemon drop, anyone?"




A/N- The whole naked Snape thing was odd, I know, but I just had to do it! Hope you like. Chapter 4 will be up sometime on Christmas Eve.