Harry stretched slowly, enjoying the feel of stiff muscles relaxing. He stopped when his hand hit something warm and slightly soft. Something which felt distinctly human. He moved his fingers gently, accidentally brushing what felt like shorts. He bolted upright and stared in horror at Hermione, who had her legs sprawled across his lap and her head resting on Ron's thigh.
Somebody cleared their throat.
He looked up ever-so-slowly, idly wondering why he, Hermione, and Ron were sprawled across the couch in the Gryffindor common room in a most compromising position. That train of thought was abruptly forgotten when he saw the person who had cleared their throat.
The Metatron. And behind him stood Jay and Silent Bob, who had a hand clamped over Jay's mouth to prevent him from speaking.
"Oh, shit." He mumbled.
The Metatron smirked widely as Harry jumped up from the couch and smoothed down his hair, saying, "Honestly, we weren't doing anything, we just fell asleep after I told them about you and it wasn't anything bad, I promise."
From the couch someone mumbled incoherently. A few minutes later Hermione popped into view sporting wild hair, a silky camisole top, and a large pajama top that was sliding off her shoulder. She blinked a few times to clear her vision and then froze.
Jay mumbled something which sounded suspiciously like, 'fuck yeah, man' and leered at Hermione. She squeaked and scrambled off the couch, trying to fix her appearance. Quickly she tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled the top up; making sure it completely covered her from the neck down.
"At it like rabbits, you humans." The Metatron said condescendingly. He looked Harry over and then turned to Hermione, who was apparently in awe of him. "And I do believe this isn't the proper place to mimic rabbits."
Hermione squeaked once again and said, "Really, sir, we weren't doing anything. Harry was just telling Ron and me about you and Jay and Silent Bob and we happened to fall asleep. And actually, roaches can produce up to ninety million young in a year whereas rabbits only have up to one-hundred-and-forty, which pretty much destroys that saying."
Everyone except Harry stared at Hermione with confused expressions. Harry smiled and said, "Hermione's a bookworm. She tends to say random facts most the time." Hermione blushed in embarrassment.
The Metatron looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Really. That's better than most humans. Usually they don't even know who I am."
"You're the Metatron, the voice of God. You speak for God because God's voice would cause humans' heads to explode. You were once a human named Enoch until God turned you into an angel for your merit. You are one of the closest angels to God and are the chief scribe of heaven… And you love tequila."
Harry's jaw dropped. He and Silent Bob turned to look at the Metatron, who looked speechless. "How do you know all that?"
Hermione smiled enigmatically. "Oh, I read most of it in some books in the library. The tequila part I learned from a Muggle movie I saw over the summer. You were quite good in it. Especially the whole Mexican eatery scene."
"I knew I shouldn't have agreed to that." The Metatron grumbled. "You better not tell anyone I was in that movie. If you do you will be sorely punished."
Feeling strangely excited by his words, Hermione nodded quickly. Suddenly she turned and ran from the room, clattering up the stairs to her dormitory.
Everyone watched her go. Jay kicked Silent Bob in the leg, causing his friend to curse and hop away. "Aw, fuck. Little smartie was fucking hot. I'd like to-" Harry leapt across the couch and tackled Jay before he could finish his sentence.
"Don't you dare say that about Hermione. She's my best friend and, besides, Ron likes her. You mess with her and I'll turn you into a neutered poodle."
Jay nodded fearfully. Harry leaned back and stood up, panting slightly. Without saying anything he walked over to the couch and looked at Ron, who was still snoring. He leaned down and smacked Ron across the head.
"Bugger, Harry!" Ron yelled, leaping up from the couch. Harry jerked a finger toward the three men behind him. Ron instantly clamped his mouth shut and stood up, smoothing his pants down.
Jay snickered. "Man, your fucking shirt's on fucking backwards."
Ron's ears turned pink. Quickly he shrugged it off and turned it around and tugged it back on. Then he crammed his hands in his pockets and looked around. "Hey, where'd 'Mione go?"
Harry glared at Jay, who abruptly sobered up and said, "She went to get dressed."
"Oh. I'm guessin' these are the blokes you were talking about."
"Yup. The tall Snape- alike is the Metatron, the blonde is Jay, and the quiet one is Silent Bob."
"Huh. What're they doing in here? It's the Gryffindor common room and I know they're not Gryffindors."
Harry turned to look at the Metatron. "Yeah, why are you here?"
The Metatron merely smirked. "Your Headmaster told me to come retrieve you for breakfast. As if I was some common working angel!"
"I fucking wanna retrieve the fucking hot one!" Jay interrupted, waving his arms around. Silent Bob rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette. Quickly he lit up and took a deep puff. Then he turned to Jay and yanked him around, dragging him from the room.
Harry, Ron, and the Metatron watched as Slent Bob wrestled Jay through the common room entrance and followed, slamming the portrait shut with a foot. The Metatron's mouth quirked, a small smile turning up the corner of his lips.
"I must say, the quiet one is most useful at times."
Harry and Ron nodded in agreement. Then all three sat down to wait for Hermione.
Somebody cleared their throat.
He looked up ever-so-slowly, idly wondering why he, Hermione, and Ron were sprawled across the couch in the Gryffindor common room in a most compromising position. That train of thought was abruptly forgotten when he saw the person who had cleared their throat.
The Metatron. And behind him stood Jay and Silent Bob, who had a hand clamped over Jay's mouth to prevent him from speaking.
"Oh, shit." He mumbled.
The Metatron smirked widely as Harry jumped up from the couch and smoothed down his hair, saying, "Honestly, we weren't doing anything, we just fell asleep after I told them about you and it wasn't anything bad, I promise."
From the couch someone mumbled incoherently. A few minutes later Hermione popped into view sporting wild hair, a silky camisole top, and a large pajama top that was sliding off her shoulder. She blinked a few times to clear her vision and then froze.
Jay mumbled something which sounded suspiciously like, 'fuck yeah, man' and leered at Hermione. She squeaked and scrambled off the couch, trying to fix her appearance. Quickly she tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled the top up; making sure it completely covered her from the neck down.
"At it like rabbits, you humans." The Metatron said condescendingly. He looked Harry over and then turned to Hermione, who was apparently in awe of him. "And I do believe this isn't the proper place to mimic rabbits."
Hermione squeaked once again and said, "Really, sir, we weren't doing anything. Harry was just telling Ron and me about you and Jay and Silent Bob and we happened to fall asleep. And actually, roaches can produce up to ninety million young in a year whereas rabbits only have up to one-hundred-and-forty, which pretty much destroys that saying."
Everyone except Harry stared at Hermione with confused expressions. Harry smiled and said, "Hermione's a bookworm. She tends to say random facts most the time." Hermione blushed in embarrassment.
The Metatron looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Really. That's better than most humans. Usually they don't even know who I am."
"You're the Metatron, the voice of God. You speak for God because God's voice would cause humans' heads to explode. You were once a human named Enoch until God turned you into an angel for your merit. You are one of the closest angels to God and are the chief scribe of heaven… And you love tequila."
Harry's jaw dropped. He and Silent Bob turned to look at the Metatron, who looked speechless. "How do you know all that?"
Hermione smiled enigmatically. "Oh, I read most of it in some books in the library. The tequila part I learned from a Muggle movie I saw over the summer. You were quite good in it. Especially the whole Mexican eatery scene."
"I knew I shouldn't have agreed to that." The Metatron grumbled. "You better not tell anyone I was in that movie. If you do you will be sorely punished."
Feeling strangely excited by his words, Hermione nodded quickly. Suddenly she turned and ran from the room, clattering up the stairs to her dormitory.
Everyone watched her go. Jay kicked Silent Bob in the leg, causing his friend to curse and hop away. "Aw, fuck. Little smartie was fucking hot. I'd like to-" Harry leapt across the couch and tackled Jay before he could finish his sentence.
"Don't you dare say that about Hermione. She's my best friend and, besides, Ron likes her. You mess with her and I'll turn you into a neutered poodle."
Jay nodded fearfully. Harry leaned back and stood up, panting slightly. Without saying anything he walked over to the couch and looked at Ron, who was still snoring. He leaned down and smacked Ron across the head.
"Bugger, Harry!" Ron yelled, leaping up from the couch. Harry jerked a finger toward the three men behind him. Ron instantly clamped his mouth shut and stood up, smoothing his pants down.
Jay snickered. "Man, your fucking shirt's on fucking backwards."
Ron's ears turned pink. Quickly he shrugged it off and turned it around and tugged it back on. Then he crammed his hands in his pockets and looked around. "Hey, where'd 'Mione go?"
Harry glared at Jay, who abruptly sobered up and said, "She went to get dressed."
"Oh. I'm guessin' these are the blokes you were talking about."
"Yup. The tall Snape- alike is the Metatron, the blonde is Jay, and the quiet one is Silent Bob."
"Huh. What're they doing in here? It's the Gryffindor common room and I know they're not Gryffindors."
Harry turned to look at the Metatron. "Yeah, why are you here?"
The Metatron merely smirked. "Your Headmaster told me to come retrieve you for breakfast. As if I was some common working angel!"
"I fucking wanna retrieve the fucking hot one!" Jay interrupted, waving his arms around. Silent Bob rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette. Quickly he lit up and took a deep puff. Then he turned to Jay and yanked him around, dragging him from the room.
Harry, Ron, and the Metatron watched as Slent Bob wrestled Jay through the common room entrance and followed, slamming the portrait shut with a foot. The Metatron's mouth quirked, a small smile turning up the corner of his lips.
"I must say, the quiet one is most useful at times."
Harry and Ron nodded in agreement. Then all three sat down to wait for Hermione.
