*******
This morning when I woke up it was still raining, if not harder than it had been the yesterday; Lulu was right. I lay in my bed for what seemed like an hour; really it was only ten minutes. My mom came into my room and told me to get ready. It was already ten o'clock and the funeral started in an hour. I guess I had slept in a little bit.
I slowly slinked out of my bed and slipped on my purple slippers. It was a little chilly, so I grabbed my blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders. I walked over to my closet and picked out a long black skirt that went down a little passed my knees. I also grabbed a black tank top and a pair of black flip-flops. Sure it was supposed to be formal, but what's more formal than comfort, right? I gathered my clothes and went to take a shower. After I was done it was around ten thirty. I headed downstairs. My house seemed eerily dark so I flipped on a light in the kitchen and sat down at the counter.
-Are you hungry? My mom asked as she turned around from preparing some kind of platter. I shook my head. I was in a gloomy mood and I didn't much prefer eating when in gloomy moods. –You really should have something to eat. I haven't seen you eat much of anything for the passed three days. I'm beginning to worry.
-I'm fine; I had a sandwich last night. I assured. Sure, I took three bites of it and gave the rest to Sora, but she didn't need to know that. She sighed loudly and swerved the stool top around and looked outside. It seemed like early nighttime. It was so dark, and the sky was so full of gray and black clouds that you couldn't even see it. The ocean was restless and didn't hold its usual bright blue colour. Instead, it was more like a colourless ocean of gray. It was so depressing.
I sat there for about fifteen minutes. Waiting to leave, or do something else. –How long is it going to last? I questioned as I turned my stool back around to face my mom. She seemed to be done, but was still frantically looking threw things.
-Well, if we leave right now we can get there on time. The church service should end around twelve, and then the actual funeral will end around two o'clock. Of course that just depends on how long you want to stay there afterwards. I'm just telling you Kairi, I'll wait for you in the car, but I don't want you catching a cold. It's pretty chilly out so I advise you wear a coat. Knowing you you'll want to sit at the grave forever. I nodded, to the coat thing at least. I stood up and walked over to the closet. I pulled out a long black jacket type thing. Whatever you'd call it, I don't know, a trench coat? Whatever. I put that on and sat down on the couch. I picked my camera up off of the coffee table and slipped that into my pocket as well. –Sora's mom is going to pick you up, okay? There are some things that I have to do first, so I might be a few minutes late. Said my mother as she kneeled down behind the counter and scurried through a cabinet. I sighed.
The door suddenly swung open and there was Sora, dripping wet already.
-You all ready? He questioned turning to me. I slowly nodded and stood up.
-Oh Kairi, I'd give you an umbrella or something, but I don't think we have any. Said my mom as she stood back up again.
-That's okay, I've got one, said Sora. Well that's wonderful Sora, why didn't you use it?
-Bye, I said monotonously as I walked out the door. I followed Sora as he ran to the car and opened up the door for me. I quickly threw myself inside and sat down as Sora hunched himself over and carefully sat down.
-Hi Kairi, how are you today? Sora's mom questioned cheerfully. She was always so cheerful.
-I'm, fine...? I said lightly as she began backing out of the driveway and slowly cruised down the street. I leaned my head up against the window and watched as the rain fogged everything. Skewing the world and blurring my vision. I couldn't see clearly, and that's exactly how I felt on the inside. It's like the world just took all of my feelings and turned them into life. It was bizarre.
It took about ten minutes to get to the church. Of course, I never go to church, but there are only so many churches on Destiny Island, so I pretty much knew where we were going.
Churches always make me sad. I mean, it's kind of where everything begins, and then, it's where everything ends. I'm not very religious and I don't really know what I believe in, but whenever I am at a church, it makes me think. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, in a good way though, I think. It's almost like, even though you don't believe in god, when you're in a church, it's like you start to believe in something. I'm not quite sure what it is though.
We got out of the car and ran to the entrance. Thankfully the doors were side open and Sora's mom had dropped us off at the curb. I remember being here once, When Sora's dad died I think. It looked familiar. The colossal ceiling, the massive pipe organ, the rows of pews that stretched out for at least twenty yards in length. Even with the floor-to-ceiling cathedral windows it was still very dark. There were at least fifty candles lit, one at each pew, and many in the front. There was a small set-up in the front center area. There were all the flowers from yesterday decoratively draping over and around a small table. Candles, again, everywhere. I stepped up to the front and saw that on the front table there was that same picture of Riku that I had taken a few years ago and that picture that Selphie had taken last Friday that I still couldn't bear to look at. Instead, I looked up at the ceiling and sat down in the front pew. I didn't want to speak, there was something about being quiet in a church that seemed right. Sora was staring at the floor.
After a few minutes the first ten pews, at least, seemed to be filled. Everyone that had gone to the funeral home yesterday was here. Riku's whole family and then some that I had never seen before. There were a few teachers here and some students that I knew didn't even hang out with Riku. Selphie and Tidus showed up. The two of them sat in the row behind me. I sat next to Riku's mom and Sora. On Sora's other side was his mom and then my mom. To my right after Riku's mom were Riku's grandparents. I could hear the mindless chatter of everyone, discussing how 'pretty' it was. I almost became angry. I don't why, but I suddenly felt so mad at the world that I had to leave. I wanted to just stand up and walk out. I wanted to punch someone, I wanted to scream. I wanted to take those damn pictures of Riku and throw them on the floor. Because he wasn't gone, he hadn't died. I wanted to, but I didn't, I couldn't.
A silenced hush formed across the room as I felt it grow uncomfortably quiet. A minister walked up to a podium that stood right behind the display. He cleared his throat and then spoke. His voice filled the entire room, sending a noticeable chill down my spine. The minister introduced and began to discuss why we are all here and the kind of feelings that we probably felt. I wanted to puke. All this crap about god and heaven made me want to scream. Riku had once told me that he didn't believe in any of it, and it made want to cry because they were talking about him like he was some kind of religious saint. He didn't believe in god and he didn't believe in heaven. He had once told me that religion was just a stupid pun to make people feel important. The minister went on for about thirty minutes about how we shouldn't feel guilty, and that it was no ones fault he died. Let's see how much of a lie that was, I could blame a few people: his dad for beating him, his mom for not warning him, me for not making sure he was okay, and everything else. It was everyone's fault. I hated to world for letting him go, for taking him so quickly. I hated God for doing this to him. I hated fate for not being fair, because this was so far from fair it wasn't even just unfair anymore.
The minister stopped talking and everyone clapped. I didn't. Instead, I became so overwhelmed with anger I began to cry. Sora patted my left hand lightly. I quickly pulled it away. He wasn't allowed tot ouch my left hand, only Riku was. I couldn't help but think that I was acting a little selfish and a little stubborn, but I didn't care. Sora looked at me funny and I just turned away. Riku's mom nudged me gently in the arm. Right now? But I am obviously in deep distress, I would probably go off on a spew that I would definitely regret tomorrow.
-Go on Kairi, Riku's mom whispered lightly in my ear. I sighed heavily and slowly arose to my feet. I walked out to the other side of the podium and smiled at the minister. That's it Kairi, just pretend to be nice. You are sweet, like a butterfly or something. I cleared my throat silently and thought about what to say.
-Um... We all know Riku, we know who he was, what he did. We know that he played soccer and that he took French. We all know that he was very strong and high willed. But I think I knew a side of Riku that no one else would even guess was there. He had a side to him that was so weak and so gentle that you couldn't even imagine. I paused, yeah I was crying, but it was silent tears thank goodness. –Riku was part of me and when he died, part of me died with him. I think we can all add to that. Riku was always there for everyone, he seemed to be perfect. His perfect hair, his perfect body. But I know for a fact that he wasn't perfect, not even close. I paused again, I still couldn't describe it, but I knew he wasn't perfect. –He taught me how to live; and he showed me what love was. I'm just thankful that I got a chance to know him, and I was lucky enough to be able to break him down, to get through to him. Not many people can say they've done that. I think we are all going to miss him a lot. And if I can ever be even a quarter of what he was I'll consider myself lucky. Hell, I'll consider myself lucky if I ever get a chance to live again. I think that all of us can honestly say that life is just not going to be the same with out him. I'll say if I learn to live with his absence before I die then my life might have a chance of meaning something. I wish that all of you had gotten a chance to know him as well as I did, because there was so much more to him than just his surface. There was so much more. My voice trailed off as I looked down a little. –And, um, he'll always be in our hearts. I finished as I stepped down and walked back to my seat. I saw that Riku's mom was crying and so were a bunch of other people.
-Good job Kairi, Riku's mom whispered to me as I sat back down. I nodded slowly and wiped the tears from my face. The minister walked back up to the podium.
-Um, lets all say a prayer for Riku's family and friends. I sighed and followed as everyone bent forward, crossed their hands together, and closed their eyes. I didn't need to pray I just sat there. After a few moments the minister began to speak again. –Now we can take a quick gathering in the room to your right for some food. He smiled gaily. I watched as people began to stand up and walk over to the door on the right side of the room.
-Kairi? Sora questioned when I didn't move. I closed my eyes for a quick second, then stood up and followed the crowd into a big room with a long table set up in the back. The table was filled with food and stuff that looked like food, but probably wasn't edible at all. I sat down in a random chair, strategically chosen with the only fact that it was simply closest to the door. Anyway... I sat down and looked at my feet. Then I looked up at the people in the room, traipsing merrily about eating and talking and having a good time. Why couldn't I be happy? Even Riku's mom was smiling. I looked over to my right. Sora was sitting in a chair next to me.
-Do you... what something? I could go get you something... said Sora almost nervously. He fidgeted with his hands and then stood up before I got a chance to answer his question. He walked over to the table and grabbed a bunch of things and put them on the biggest plate he could find. If he isn't careful he's going to get fat. I watched as he walked back over here and sat down again. He handed me a Styrofoam cup and put the plate in his lap. Maybe he was just one of those people who ate to forget their problems. Or maybe he was just hungry Kairi, did you ever consider that? I sighed loudly as I ran my fingers around the cup, watching little ripples form in the liquid substance inside as my hands shook slightly. Was I cold? Nervous? What was my problem...?
I watched as Sora shoveled food into his mouth. –Want some? He questioned as I shook my head. –Come on, you have to eat something Kairi... He insisted. No I didn't, I was perfectly fine without food. Sora sighed when I didn't answer. I looked down at the floor, the stupid, white tiled floor. I hated the floor, I wanted to smash it. What has gotten into me?
A pair of tan sandals came into my view and I slowly faced my head upward to find a chipper happy wagon of Selphie and Tidus floating over me. I wanted to inch backwards but the chair was already parallel with the wall.
-Howdy there cowgirl, you okay? Selphie questioned as she gave me one quick, full mouth smile then sat down next to me. What has gotten her all worked up? It's a skukking funeral; you're supposed to be sad!
-Do you think I'm okay? I questioned honestly, but kind of coldly. Selphie's smile vanished in a blink and she looked almost shocked. I sighed roughly and looked down. –I'm sorry Selph; I'm just kind of irritated today. Her smile resurfaced.
-No worries Kai. Look, if you need to talk about anything you know where to find me. Just find Tidus, and you'll find me, okies? I nodded slowly; she really did have the strangest vocabulary. –Really, Kairi, don't think I'm not sad, I loved Riku... It's just; I really don't think he liked me that much... sighed Selphie. This is true, he hated her. I nodded slowly.
-It's fine Selphie... I said almost honestly. I looked into my drink again, trying to figure out what it was.
-Okay, well... eat something... said Selphie as she stood up. What was it with everyone telling me to eat something? I wasn't anorexic, I just wasn't hungry. It's not like my ribs were protruding out of my stomach and I knew that my skin wasn't a ghostly shade gray. I was fine physically wasn't I? I looked at my arm, no I couldn't see my bones or veins through my skin, I think I am fine. I sighed loudly.
After about ten minutes the minister came into the room and walked over to Riku's mom and whispered something in her ear. She nodded slowly and set her food down on the table.
-Okay everyone, um, if you can all just grab your coats and umbrellas and follow me. The outside ceremony is ready. She said almost sadly. Everyone went outside to their cars. The cemetery was only a few blocks away, but on a day like this one, I don't think we'd be walking. I went alone with my mom. She gave me a handful of flowers in the car on the way. I sat in the back seat and played with them. They were lilies, I had told her to get lilies. When we got there, a three-minute car ride, I got out and walked over to Sora. He had told me that he would let me share his umbrella with him. I followed everyone as they walked in a torrent through the large metal gates and down a small-pebbled path. We stopped at a secluded area deep in the back underneath a large willow tree that had to have been hundreds of years old. Underneath it the grass was practically dry. I didn't listen as people talked about his life and all the great things that he accomplished. I didn't care because I had heard these stories a million times before. Instead I watched as the small raindrops dipped off of the umbrella. I also noticed that the party had been almost cut in half. That now only direct family members were here, well, plus Sora, Tidus, Selphie, and I; And my mom and Sora's mom.
I looked over to the street, cars racing passed without a care. The rest of the world was completely oblivious to this life. It was so funny how such a major event only affects a very limited amount of people. It's simply overwhelming how a life can end so quickly and every other life just goes on like nothing had happened. I felt a tear stream down my face and I wanted to run away.
A car stopped at the curb and I watched as a man in a suit stepped out. I watched also as he walked up closer to us. He stopped next to Sora and I looked up at Sora's face. He had noticed this as well, but he looked kind of threatened. I knew who it was; I knew that this man was Riku's dad. I found a sudden anger surge through me. I wanted so much to just punch him for being here. I wanted to kill him for killing Riku. Ugh, I just wanted to go home.
After a few people said their public goodbyes a bunch of people threw flowers into the grave and watched as they buried the coffin. Well, I didn't watch, I looked up at the sky, as it grew ever darker. I closed my eyes tightly, thinking that maybe I'll wake up. I've been thinking that too often lately. I should know by know that it's not a dream. I know, but I can still believe in a lie if it makes me feel better.
I was snapped back to reality as people began to walk away. I watched as sadness washed over everyone's faces. My mom walked away.
-We're all going back to the church for a little while. I'll wait for you there. She told me as I nodded slowly. I watched as Sora's mom slipped him a ring of keys.
-I trust you, okay? She said lightly to Sora. He nodded and she gave him a quick smile and followed my mom to her car. Sora put the keys in his pocket and watched them drive away as I did.
-Try not to catch a cold... said Riku's mom to me lightly as she walked away. I watched as his dad tried to catch her attention but she just passed him by, not even trying to acknowledge his presence. For a second I felt our gaze match and glared at him. I glared at him so hard I almost got a headache. That's when he turned away and walked down the path.
I turned my gaze to the tombstone. It sat perfectly dry underneath the tree. I stepped closer and kneeled down. Sora stood over me, umbrella in hand. I set the flowers down carefully, taking off the plastic that kept them together. It was bad for the environment. I closed my eyes for a few moments.
-Kairi? Sora questioned as he kneeled down next to me. I grabbed his hand tightly and I could feel him squeeze back. I didn't want to talk right now, knowing that I would somehow say the wrong thing and turn it into an argument. I just wanted to let go, I wanted to forget. –You can't stay here forever, said Sora weakly.
-Yes I can... I replied in a whisper. I felt him stand up, but I let go of his hand before he pulled me to my feet as well.
-I can't wait for you forever, said Sora. My eyes were still closed tightly and my hands were trembling over the flowers that I hadn't fully let go of yet.
-Then leave, I said in a completely hushed tone.
-Kairi... You're being stubborn, said Sora.
-Can I help it? Is it my fault that I want him to come back so badly that I would sit here until I die?
-Yes...
I sighed and closed my eyes even tighter. Maybe it was my fault, but I still couldn't help it... much.
-You're living a lie Kairi, just open up your eyes! He's gone and he's not coming back. And I'm not just going to stand here and watch you die too! Sora exclaimed. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I could tell that he was trying to hold back tears. –I've already lost one of my best friends, and I can't help but feel that I am slowly loosing you too, he said so weakly that I heard his voice break. –I can't think clearly anymore Kairi, and I'm sorry. I know I told you that I would be strong for you... but to tell you the truth, I'm not strong at all. I can't handle it anymore... I just can't... I stood up slowly and took his hand. I watched as a tear streamed down him face. I stared into his eyes, trying to figure him out.
-You don't have to be strong for Sora...
-Yes I do! I know what Riku meant to you... I know that you're in so much pain that I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. But that's all in your head Kairi. Seriously. I think I know what it feels like to loose someone that was part of you, he said as his voice became firm with a noticeable edge of uncontrolled sadness in it. I think he meant his dad... but I wasn't sure.
-How do you understand? I questioned in an aggressive whisper.
-You Kairi, I've lost you.
My heart stopped. No, that wasn't true. I wasn't... lost? Oh my god. The reality of his words hit me so hard I felt like I was about to fall over. I forgot how to breath. He had lost me, he was right. I was so consumed in Riku, so lost that I forgot who I was. I loved Sora, I thought I knew that, but I had forgotten. After everything we had talked about, I had lied to him. I was living a lie, a stupid lie that was eating at me from the inside out.
-Sora... I'm sorry... I whispered as I looked away from him. We were both silent for a few moments. He jumped up onto a low rising branch and I watched as he began to cry uncontrollably now. What had I done... I had killed it, everything that we had. It was my entire fault, and I knew it, everyone knew it. I climbed up and sat next to him, wrapping my arms around him and rocking him back and fourth. Maybe it was me that had to be strong for Sora. I had lost Riku, but Sora still loved me, he still believed in me, I still had him completely. Sora had lost Riku, his best friend, and with him, he lost me as well. I had bounded my soul to Riku; I had given myself to him. I had forgotten Sora, I had broken his heart and I knew that it would take a miracle to heal it again.
-Don't blame yourself. If I were the one that died instead of him, then everything would be perfect. There is no damn place for me in this world and you know it.
-Sora... I love you... There will always be a place for you in my heart, always.
-Just not right now, right?
-No Sora... Right now, you're there. I love you forever and not even fate can change that. It's just, I needed to you to open up my eyes and make me realize that.
-You don't need me... he said weakly.
-I damn well need you Sora, damn well, and you know that. Riku would have wanted it this way... remember? All he ever wanted was for you and me to be happy. He would give up his life just to see me smile. I'll tell you Sora, I can't not smile when I'm with you. I insisted. I looked up at the sky and watched as the clouds moved to the east. I could have sworn I saw a spot of light blue. The rain melted in the air and turned into a gentle mist. Sora closed the umbrella and jumped off the tree. I watched as he stood over Riku's grave.
-Damn him, for thinking of everyone else before himself. I jumped off of the tree and grabbed his right hand with my left one. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I laced my fingers through his. I looked up at Sora and he looked down at me. I smiled sadly as I looked into his overflowing eyes. I felt his pain tear at my heart. I turned around and began leading Sora down the path. I only looked back once as the small granite tombstone grew further out of sight. I smiled and looked ahead. It was almost like at that very moment I was letting go. I was finally giving into him and saying goodbye.
This morning when I woke up it was still raining, if not harder than it had been the yesterday; Lulu was right. I lay in my bed for what seemed like an hour; really it was only ten minutes. My mom came into my room and told me to get ready. It was already ten o'clock and the funeral started in an hour. I guess I had slept in a little bit.
I slowly slinked out of my bed and slipped on my purple slippers. It was a little chilly, so I grabbed my blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders. I walked over to my closet and picked out a long black skirt that went down a little passed my knees. I also grabbed a black tank top and a pair of black flip-flops. Sure it was supposed to be formal, but what's more formal than comfort, right? I gathered my clothes and went to take a shower. After I was done it was around ten thirty. I headed downstairs. My house seemed eerily dark so I flipped on a light in the kitchen and sat down at the counter.
-Are you hungry? My mom asked as she turned around from preparing some kind of platter. I shook my head. I was in a gloomy mood and I didn't much prefer eating when in gloomy moods. –You really should have something to eat. I haven't seen you eat much of anything for the passed three days. I'm beginning to worry.
-I'm fine; I had a sandwich last night. I assured. Sure, I took three bites of it and gave the rest to Sora, but she didn't need to know that. She sighed loudly and swerved the stool top around and looked outside. It seemed like early nighttime. It was so dark, and the sky was so full of gray and black clouds that you couldn't even see it. The ocean was restless and didn't hold its usual bright blue colour. Instead, it was more like a colourless ocean of gray. It was so depressing.
I sat there for about fifteen minutes. Waiting to leave, or do something else. –How long is it going to last? I questioned as I turned my stool back around to face my mom. She seemed to be done, but was still frantically looking threw things.
-Well, if we leave right now we can get there on time. The church service should end around twelve, and then the actual funeral will end around two o'clock. Of course that just depends on how long you want to stay there afterwards. I'm just telling you Kairi, I'll wait for you in the car, but I don't want you catching a cold. It's pretty chilly out so I advise you wear a coat. Knowing you you'll want to sit at the grave forever. I nodded, to the coat thing at least. I stood up and walked over to the closet. I pulled out a long black jacket type thing. Whatever you'd call it, I don't know, a trench coat? Whatever. I put that on and sat down on the couch. I picked my camera up off of the coffee table and slipped that into my pocket as well. –Sora's mom is going to pick you up, okay? There are some things that I have to do first, so I might be a few minutes late. Said my mother as she kneeled down behind the counter and scurried through a cabinet. I sighed.
The door suddenly swung open and there was Sora, dripping wet already.
-You all ready? He questioned turning to me. I slowly nodded and stood up.
-Oh Kairi, I'd give you an umbrella or something, but I don't think we have any. Said my mom as she stood back up again.
-That's okay, I've got one, said Sora. Well that's wonderful Sora, why didn't you use it?
-Bye, I said monotonously as I walked out the door. I followed Sora as he ran to the car and opened up the door for me. I quickly threw myself inside and sat down as Sora hunched himself over and carefully sat down.
-Hi Kairi, how are you today? Sora's mom questioned cheerfully. She was always so cheerful.
-I'm, fine...? I said lightly as she began backing out of the driveway and slowly cruised down the street. I leaned my head up against the window and watched as the rain fogged everything. Skewing the world and blurring my vision. I couldn't see clearly, and that's exactly how I felt on the inside. It's like the world just took all of my feelings and turned them into life. It was bizarre.
It took about ten minutes to get to the church. Of course, I never go to church, but there are only so many churches on Destiny Island, so I pretty much knew where we were going.
Churches always make me sad. I mean, it's kind of where everything begins, and then, it's where everything ends. I'm not very religious and I don't really know what I believe in, but whenever I am at a church, it makes me think. It makes me feel like I'm not alone, in a good way though, I think. It's almost like, even though you don't believe in god, when you're in a church, it's like you start to believe in something. I'm not quite sure what it is though.
We got out of the car and ran to the entrance. Thankfully the doors were side open and Sora's mom had dropped us off at the curb. I remember being here once, When Sora's dad died I think. It looked familiar. The colossal ceiling, the massive pipe organ, the rows of pews that stretched out for at least twenty yards in length. Even with the floor-to-ceiling cathedral windows it was still very dark. There were at least fifty candles lit, one at each pew, and many in the front. There was a small set-up in the front center area. There were all the flowers from yesterday decoratively draping over and around a small table. Candles, again, everywhere. I stepped up to the front and saw that on the front table there was that same picture of Riku that I had taken a few years ago and that picture that Selphie had taken last Friday that I still couldn't bear to look at. Instead, I looked up at the ceiling and sat down in the front pew. I didn't want to speak, there was something about being quiet in a church that seemed right. Sora was staring at the floor.
After a few minutes the first ten pews, at least, seemed to be filled. Everyone that had gone to the funeral home yesterday was here. Riku's whole family and then some that I had never seen before. There were a few teachers here and some students that I knew didn't even hang out with Riku. Selphie and Tidus showed up. The two of them sat in the row behind me. I sat next to Riku's mom and Sora. On Sora's other side was his mom and then my mom. To my right after Riku's mom were Riku's grandparents. I could hear the mindless chatter of everyone, discussing how 'pretty' it was. I almost became angry. I don't why, but I suddenly felt so mad at the world that I had to leave. I wanted to just stand up and walk out. I wanted to punch someone, I wanted to scream. I wanted to take those damn pictures of Riku and throw them on the floor. Because he wasn't gone, he hadn't died. I wanted to, but I didn't, I couldn't.
A silenced hush formed across the room as I felt it grow uncomfortably quiet. A minister walked up to a podium that stood right behind the display. He cleared his throat and then spoke. His voice filled the entire room, sending a noticeable chill down my spine. The minister introduced and began to discuss why we are all here and the kind of feelings that we probably felt. I wanted to puke. All this crap about god and heaven made me want to scream. Riku had once told me that he didn't believe in any of it, and it made want to cry because they were talking about him like he was some kind of religious saint. He didn't believe in god and he didn't believe in heaven. He had once told me that religion was just a stupid pun to make people feel important. The minister went on for about thirty minutes about how we shouldn't feel guilty, and that it was no ones fault he died. Let's see how much of a lie that was, I could blame a few people: his dad for beating him, his mom for not warning him, me for not making sure he was okay, and everything else. It was everyone's fault. I hated to world for letting him go, for taking him so quickly. I hated God for doing this to him. I hated fate for not being fair, because this was so far from fair it wasn't even just unfair anymore.
The minister stopped talking and everyone clapped. I didn't. Instead, I became so overwhelmed with anger I began to cry. Sora patted my left hand lightly. I quickly pulled it away. He wasn't allowed tot ouch my left hand, only Riku was. I couldn't help but think that I was acting a little selfish and a little stubborn, but I didn't care. Sora looked at me funny and I just turned away. Riku's mom nudged me gently in the arm. Right now? But I am obviously in deep distress, I would probably go off on a spew that I would definitely regret tomorrow.
-Go on Kairi, Riku's mom whispered lightly in my ear. I sighed heavily and slowly arose to my feet. I walked out to the other side of the podium and smiled at the minister. That's it Kairi, just pretend to be nice. You are sweet, like a butterfly or something. I cleared my throat silently and thought about what to say.
-Um... We all know Riku, we know who he was, what he did. We know that he played soccer and that he took French. We all know that he was very strong and high willed. But I think I knew a side of Riku that no one else would even guess was there. He had a side to him that was so weak and so gentle that you couldn't even imagine. I paused, yeah I was crying, but it was silent tears thank goodness. –Riku was part of me and when he died, part of me died with him. I think we can all add to that. Riku was always there for everyone, he seemed to be perfect. His perfect hair, his perfect body. But I know for a fact that he wasn't perfect, not even close. I paused again, I still couldn't describe it, but I knew he wasn't perfect. –He taught me how to live; and he showed me what love was. I'm just thankful that I got a chance to know him, and I was lucky enough to be able to break him down, to get through to him. Not many people can say they've done that. I think we are all going to miss him a lot. And if I can ever be even a quarter of what he was I'll consider myself lucky. Hell, I'll consider myself lucky if I ever get a chance to live again. I think that all of us can honestly say that life is just not going to be the same with out him. I'll say if I learn to live with his absence before I die then my life might have a chance of meaning something. I wish that all of you had gotten a chance to know him as well as I did, because there was so much more to him than just his surface. There was so much more. My voice trailed off as I looked down a little. –And, um, he'll always be in our hearts. I finished as I stepped down and walked back to my seat. I saw that Riku's mom was crying and so were a bunch of other people.
-Good job Kairi, Riku's mom whispered to me as I sat back down. I nodded slowly and wiped the tears from my face. The minister walked back up to the podium.
-Um, lets all say a prayer for Riku's family and friends. I sighed and followed as everyone bent forward, crossed their hands together, and closed their eyes. I didn't need to pray I just sat there. After a few moments the minister began to speak again. –Now we can take a quick gathering in the room to your right for some food. He smiled gaily. I watched as people began to stand up and walk over to the door on the right side of the room.
-Kairi? Sora questioned when I didn't move. I closed my eyes for a quick second, then stood up and followed the crowd into a big room with a long table set up in the back. The table was filled with food and stuff that looked like food, but probably wasn't edible at all. I sat down in a random chair, strategically chosen with the only fact that it was simply closest to the door. Anyway... I sat down and looked at my feet. Then I looked up at the people in the room, traipsing merrily about eating and talking and having a good time. Why couldn't I be happy? Even Riku's mom was smiling. I looked over to my right. Sora was sitting in a chair next to me.
-Do you... what something? I could go get you something... said Sora almost nervously. He fidgeted with his hands and then stood up before I got a chance to answer his question. He walked over to the table and grabbed a bunch of things and put them on the biggest plate he could find. If he isn't careful he's going to get fat. I watched as he walked back over here and sat down again. He handed me a Styrofoam cup and put the plate in his lap. Maybe he was just one of those people who ate to forget their problems. Or maybe he was just hungry Kairi, did you ever consider that? I sighed loudly as I ran my fingers around the cup, watching little ripples form in the liquid substance inside as my hands shook slightly. Was I cold? Nervous? What was my problem...?
I watched as Sora shoveled food into his mouth. –Want some? He questioned as I shook my head. –Come on, you have to eat something Kairi... He insisted. No I didn't, I was perfectly fine without food. Sora sighed when I didn't answer. I looked down at the floor, the stupid, white tiled floor. I hated the floor, I wanted to smash it. What has gotten into me?
A pair of tan sandals came into my view and I slowly faced my head upward to find a chipper happy wagon of Selphie and Tidus floating over me. I wanted to inch backwards but the chair was already parallel with the wall.
-Howdy there cowgirl, you okay? Selphie questioned as she gave me one quick, full mouth smile then sat down next to me. What has gotten her all worked up? It's a skukking funeral; you're supposed to be sad!
-Do you think I'm okay? I questioned honestly, but kind of coldly. Selphie's smile vanished in a blink and she looked almost shocked. I sighed roughly and looked down. –I'm sorry Selph; I'm just kind of irritated today. Her smile resurfaced.
-No worries Kai. Look, if you need to talk about anything you know where to find me. Just find Tidus, and you'll find me, okies? I nodded slowly; she really did have the strangest vocabulary. –Really, Kairi, don't think I'm not sad, I loved Riku... It's just; I really don't think he liked me that much... sighed Selphie. This is true, he hated her. I nodded slowly.
-It's fine Selphie... I said almost honestly. I looked into my drink again, trying to figure out what it was.
-Okay, well... eat something... said Selphie as she stood up. What was it with everyone telling me to eat something? I wasn't anorexic, I just wasn't hungry. It's not like my ribs were protruding out of my stomach and I knew that my skin wasn't a ghostly shade gray. I was fine physically wasn't I? I looked at my arm, no I couldn't see my bones or veins through my skin, I think I am fine. I sighed loudly.
After about ten minutes the minister came into the room and walked over to Riku's mom and whispered something in her ear. She nodded slowly and set her food down on the table.
-Okay everyone, um, if you can all just grab your coats and umbrellas and follow me. The outside ceremony is ready. She said almost sadly. Everyone went outside to their cars. The cemetery was only a few blocks away, but on a day like this one, I don't think we'd be walking. I went alone with my mom. She gave me a handful of flowers in the car on the way. I sat in the back seat and played with them. They were lilies, I had told her to get lilies. When we got there, a three-minute car ride, I got out and walked over to Sora. He had told me that he would let me share his umbrella with him. I followed everyone as they walked in a torrent through the large metal gates and down a small-pebbled path. We stopped at a secluded area deep in the back underneath a large willow tree that had to have been hundreds of years old. Underneath it the grass was practically dry. I didn't listen as people talked about his life and all the great things that he accomplished. I didn't care because I had heard these stories a million times before. Instead I watched as the small raindrops dipped off of the umbrella. I also noticed that the party had been almost cut in half. That now only direct family members were here, well, plus Sora, Tidus, Selphie, and I; And my mom and Sora's mom.
I looked over to the street, cars racing passed without a care. The rest of the world was completely oblivious to this life. It was so funny how such a major event only affects a very limited amount of people. It's simply overwhelming how a life can end so quickly and every other life just goes on like nothing had happened. I felt a tear stream down my face and I wanted to run away.
A car stopped at the curb and I watched as a man in a suit stepped out. I watched also as he walked up closer to us. He stopped next to Sora and I looked up at Sora's face. He had noticed this as well, but he looked kind of threatened. I knew who it was; I knew that this man was Riku's dad. I found a sudden anger surge through me. I wanted so much to just punch him for being here. I wanted to kill him for killing Riku. Ugh, I just wanted to go home.
After a few people said their public goodbyes a bunch of people threw flowers into the grave and watched as they buried the coffin. Well, I didn't watch, I looked up at the sky, as it grew ever darker. I closed my eyes tightly, thinking that maybe I'll wake up. I've been thinking that too often lately. I should know by know that it's not a dream. I know, but I can still believe in a lie if it makes me feel better.
I was snapped back to reality as people began to walk away. I watched as sadness washed over everyone's faces. My mom walked away.
-We're all going back to the church for a little while. I'll wait for you there. She told me as I nodded slowly. I watched as Sora's mom slipped him a ring of keys.
-I trust you, okay? She said lightly to Sora. He nodded and she gave him a quick smile and followed my mom to her car. Sora put the keys in his pocket and watched them drive away as I did.
-Try not to catch a cold... said Riku's mom to me lightly as she walked away. I watched as his dad tried to catch her attention but she just passed him by, not even trying to acknowledge his presence. For a second I felt our gaze match and glared at him. I glared at him so hard I almost got a headache. That's when he turned away and walked down the path.
I turned my gaze to the tombstone. It sat perfectly dry underneath the tree. I stepped closer and kneeled down. Sora stood over me, umbrella in hand. I set the flowers down carefully, taking off the plastic that kept them together. It was bad for the environment. I closed my eyes for a few moments.
-Kairi? Sora questioned as he kneeled down next to me. I grabbed his hand tightly and I could feel him squeeze back. I didn't want to talk right now, knowing that I would somehow say the wrong thing and turn it into an argument. I just wanted to let go, I wanted to forget. –You can't stay here forever, said Sora weakly.
-Yes I can... I replied in a whisper. I felt him stand up, but I let go of his hand before he pulled me to my feet as well.
-I can't wait for you forever, said Sora. My eyes were still closed tightly and my hands were trembling over the flowers that I hadn't fully let go of yet.
-Then leave, I said in a completely hushed tone.
-Kairi... You're being stubborn, said Sora.
-Can I help it? Is it my fault that I want him to come back so badly that I would sit here until I die?
-Yes...
I sighed and closed my eyes even tighter. Maybe it was my fault, but I still couldn't help it... much.
-You're living a lie Kairi, just open up your eyes! He's gone and he's not coming back. And I'm not just going to stand here and watch you die too! Sora exclaimed. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. I could tell that he was trying to hold back tears. –I've already lost one of my best friends, and I can't help but feel that I am slowly loosing you too, he said so weakly that I heard his voice break. –I can't think clearly anymore Kairi, and I'm sorry. I know I told you that I would be strong for you... but to tell you the truth, I'm not strong at all. I can't handle it anymore... I just can't... I stood up slowly and took his hand. I watched as a tear streamed down him face. I stared into his eyes, trying to figure him out.
-You don't have to be strong for Sora...
-Yes I do! I know what Riku meant to you... I know that you're in so much pain that I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. But that's all in your head Kairi. Seriously. I think I know what it feels like to loose someone that was part of you, he said as his voice became firm with a noticeable edge of uncontrolled sadness in it. I think he meant his dad... but I wasn't sure.
-How do you understand? I questioned in an aggressive whisper.
-You Kairi, I've lost you.
My heart stopped. No, that wasn't true. I wasn't... lost? Oh my god. The reality of his words hit me so hard I felt like I was about to fall over. I forgot how to breath. He had lost me, he was right. I was so consumed in Riku, so lost that I forgot who I was. I loved Sora, I thought I knew that, but I had forgotten. After everything we had talked about, I had lied to him. I was living a lie, a stupid lie that was eating at me from the inside out.
-Sora... I'm sorry... I whispered as I looked away from him. We were both silent for a few moments. He jumped up onto a low rising branch and I watched as he began to cry uncontrollably now. What had I done... I had killed it, everything that we had. It was my entire fault, and I knew it, everyone knew it. I climbed up and sat next to him, wrapping my arms around him and rocking him back and fourth. Maybe it was me that had to be strong for Sora. I had lost Riku, but Sora still loved me, he still believed in me, I still had him completely. Sora had lost Riku, his best friend, and with him, he lost me as well. I had bounded my soul to Riku; I had given myself to him. I had forgotten Sora, I had broken his heart and I knew that it would take a miracle to heal it again.
-Don't blame yourself. If I were the one that died instead of him, then everything would be perfect. There is no damn place for me in this world and you know it.
-Sora... I love you... There will always be a place for you in my heart, always.
-Just not right now, right?
-No Sora... Right now, you're there. I love you forever and not even fate can change that. It's just, I needed to you to open up my eyes and make me realize that.
-You don't need me... he said weakly.
-I damn well need you Sora, damn well, and you know that. Riku would have wanted it this way... remember? All he ever wanted was for you and me to be happy. He would give up his life just to see me smile. I'll tell you Sora, I can't not smile when I'm with you. I insisted. I looked up at the sky and watched as the clouds moved to the east. I could have sworn I saw a spot of light blue. The rain melted in the air and turned into a gentle mist. Sora closed the umbrella and jumped off the tree. I watched as he stood over Riku's grave.
-Damn him, for thinking of everyone else before himself. I jumped off of the tree and grabbed his right hand with my left one. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I laced my fingers through his. I looked up at Sora and he looked down at me. I smiled sadly as I looked into his overflowing eyes. I felt his pain tear at my heart. I turned around and began leading Sora down the path. I only looked back once as the small granite tombstone grew further out of sight. I smiled and looked ahead. It was almost like at that very moment I was letting go. I was finally giving into him and saying goodbye.
