Chapter Seventeen

Sunnydale: April, 1998

          Willow took her time walking to the library. The hallways were empty, not surprising since it was Friday afternoon and students and teachers alike had lives and plans. Willow had research. Again. Xander and Cordelia had managed to whine their way out and were – Willow checked her watched – on their way to the Bronze. Oz and the band had a gig at the Bronze so he would be a no show. Buffy had claimed that she wanted to spend the night on patrol but Willow knew the Slayer would do a quick sweep then head over to the Bronze and meet up with the others. Giles, poor Giles was still recovering from the shock of Jenny Calendar's death     , the three week anniversary was in a couple of days.

          Willow, however, was used to solitary research and it didn't bother her that her friends had all abandoned her. Again.

          Sighing the redhead pushed open the library doors but stopped. They were all there, sitting along the staircase, looking at her. Emotions were thick and Willow felt them all: hurt, confusion, anger, betrayal. At first Willow was a bit perplexed as to their presence but she soon understood.

          They knew.

          Dropping her bag onto the nearest table she took a deep breath, crossing her arms over her chest. "Alright," she said. "Let's have it."

          Buffy spoke first, "I don't even know where to begin."

          "I do," Xander raged, glaring disbelievingly at his friend. "What the hell were you thinking?"

          Cordelia was frowning. "How could you?"

          Giles wouldn't meet Willow's eyes but his disappointment was like a physical blow to Willow. "I can't, for the life of me, understand."

          Turning her eyes to Oz Willow expected some kind of betrayal in his eyes but all she saw was a blank look. He remained silent and Willow was surprised.

          The redhead wanted to laugh. Her friends all sat accusing her of some huge betrayal but none of them even asked why she would such a thing. They never wondered what had happened to drive her to such extremes. They worried only that Perfect Willow had stepped outside her box. "You still don't get it, do you? None of you have the slightest clue as to why I did this; why I let him in. You're all blind and selfish and couldn't care less about me." Willow paused, giving them a chance to defend themselves. They didn't. "Even now you can't deny it. Do have any idea what I've been going through? Do you even care? You've all bee so wrapped up in yourselves you've turned blind towards me. Do you know how long Angelus has been coming to me? Since he was first released what, almost four months ago? Did any of you even have a clue? No. Not that I expected you to."

          Buffy was shaking her head. "I saw you two," she accused. "Together in your room."

          "You saw us once, Buffy and that was only a couple of days ago," Willow responded. "That wasn't the first time Angelus had been in my room."

          "But it'll sure as hell be his last," Xander said through clenched teeth.

          Anger flared behind Willow's eyes. "Who the hell are you to even try and control my life?"

          "We're your friends," Buffy retorted.

          "No, Buffy. You were my friends." Picking up her things Willow turned back to her friends. "I'm not a fool, Buffy. I know what Angelus is and I know what I have to do. I'll bring your precious Angel back to you, don't worry, but I won't for you. I'll do it for him because Angel deserves it."

          "Willow – "

          "I'm tired of being ignored," Willow continued. "I'm tired of being pushed aside and used by people who are supposed to give a damn about me. I won't be you're flunky any more. I'm done with this." Stepping just outside the library Willow paused, holding the door open, and added, "You guys only care about others when they try to take your spotlight but don't worry because I'm perfectly happy standing in the shadows.

"Do you love him?"

Startled, Willow turned around and found Buffy looking expectantly at her. It had been three days since the library confrontation and none of her friends had spoken a word to the redhead. Turning away from Buffy Willow responded, "No, Buffy. I don't love Angelus."

"But you've slept with him." It was a statement of fact, not a question, and Willow saw the disgust in Buffy's eyes.

"Yes," Willow answered honestly, "I've slept with him."

"Why?" Buffy pleaded. "Why would you give yourself to, to something like that?"

Willow almost laughed. "Why? Because Angelus was there when you weren't; Angelus heard me when you stopped listening; Angelus saw me when you turned a blind eye. Because Angelus wanted me and perused me and seduced me. For once I was the object of desire, Buffy, not you."

"You're blaming me for this?" Buffy cried.

Willow shook her head. "No Buffy, I'm not. You had nothing to do with this and you can't take credit this time for rescuing me. I won't let you walk away with the praise. Angelus was my choice. Mine. I chose to let him in and I chose to let him stay."

"But he's a monster."

"I know what he is, Buffy. I've never tried to fool myself into thinking he was anything like Angel and I never wanted him to be. It was Angelus I desired.

"Oh, god, Willow don't you know that he's just trying to get to me and using you to do it."

Willow laughed and turned scornful eyes to her friend. "Do you hear yourself, Buffy? You are not the center of the universe. This wasn't about you. This was never  about you." Willow stepped closer to the Slayer who was on the brink of tears. "You'd better come to realize that Buffy," she threatened, "because if you don't you'll regret it and your perfect, protected world will crumble at your feet."